This is my life story, and further down, my online diary.
First time you've been here? Read the whole thing, go on it's not THAT long!!
This text is © Shaun 1999-2001. All rights reserved.
[Click here for the online diary]
I was born March 29th 1985, and I was born dead. Great start,
don't you think? Well the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck at birth and
strangled me. I was dead for about 5 mins and sometimes I wish I had not come
back. I was put into an incubator and stayed in the hospital for a couple of
days until I was fit to go home. I was an innocent little baby not knowing the
hell I was about to go through…
I had (well, have, but we're talking past tense here…) a sister called
Leanne and she was 2 years older than I was. Well, about two and a half. I don't
know. Anyway, she really loved me and would do lots of things for me, even bathe
with me, LOL. She would say "This is my brother, baby Shaun Lee" (Lee
is my middle name). That was when things were good. Those were the days…
We moved house a couple of miles away where we used to live, and I was about…
three? I still have recordings of me and Leanne when we moved in and were unpacking…
I would say, "What's in the box?"
I went to a play school and had the time of my life. I loved it there, playing
in the sand and the water. I started to make friends and had an altogether cool
time. I thought that when I grew up I would be completely normal and have lots
of friends.
Going to Primary School was another great thing I did, I had tonnes of friends
and I was doing really well at school. All the teachers liked me, I was a top
student (I still am…:) and I absolutely loved it there. Except for the
odd one or two bullies who would pick on me, for the usual reasons (teacher's
pet etc.) I was doing fine. Then came the time when I had to go to high school,
I was 10-11 and I was dreading going to a new school, everyone was. I have a
project we all did at school, still sitting under my bed. We had to write about
all the stuff we did at our Primary school and what we liked etc. It also doubled
up as a leaver's book, and all my friends signed it. You should see it, it is
full of messages "Good Luck Shaun.", "Hope you like it at your
new school." I had a lot of friends.
The problem was, in our area there are three high schools. One of them has a
bad reputation for smoking, drugs and bullying. The other one looks like a prison
and all the teachers are strict. So I went to the third, and coolest school.
It wasn't the one I was allocated to, but I could get in because my sister went
there. Of course, all of my other friends went to either of the other two schools,
with only eight of us going to my school. That is how I lost contact with my
friends at my Primary school.
I was terrified, a whole new, big school with no one I knew there. I soon made
some friends, Jack and Lloyd. Jack was rather nerdy, a teachers pet (both his
parents are teachers). Lloyd was very funny, if not sick minded. That's where
I got it from! We were best friends; you could not separate us, although we
didn't like Jack as much as me and Lloyd liked each other. It was year seven
(first year of high school) and it was great.
Then it all began to go terribly wrong. I met some new friends via Lloyd, called
David and John. They were twins and they had a little brother, a year younger
called Michael. They all looked so alike we would call them the three "clones".
It was really funny, we would say that their dad was a mad scientist, and he
cloned one boy to make all three of them, but Michael accidentally fell in the
shrink ray and so was a little bit shorter than them. We all got along really
well, and they introduced me to Richard and Richard. They were the two Richards,
one of them, Richard C was really cool, if not a bit immature but then again
we all were. The other Richard, Richard W was a different story. He was a small
little "goblin" I would call him, he was evil and hated me ever since
I first met him. Many times I have tried to make amends but he won't have it.
Well, apart from Richard W we were all friends. Then in one German lesson, in
year eight, my life changed completely. I was sitting there, David to the left
of me and John to the right, and a lot of things had been going on, and I don't
know why but I felt slightly… attracted to David. I thought it was nothing,
a phase, and I started to pretend I was gay. To this day I have no idea why
I did but it seemed like fun to me. So I told David and John I was gay, they
thought it was cool, they had never met a gay person before. They would ask
me questions and stuff, and I gradually realised; maybe I am gay. The thought
was scary, I knew my sister had a gay friend and he moved away because he got
teased by his friends about it. No, I thought, I can't be gay. Can I?
I was very confused, and so I decided, once again I don't know why, to tell
David how I felt about him. I told him I fancied him and he was okay about it,
if not a bit weary towards me. Then, I started to "come on to him".
It sounds sick but it was very innocent, he didn't seem to mind. I would "touch
him up" and things like that, he would make a bit of resistance but not
much. This went on for a long time, and we were coming to the end of the year
when I decided to tell Richard C who I also really fancied. David warned me
he might not be so cool about it but I told him anyway. He was okay about it,
he did not believe me at first but I soon sorted that out ;) after one touch
he knew I was telling the truth, and he hit me. "What the hell was that
for?" I asked, "You touched me!" he replied. "Well I touch
David but he doesn't mi-" all of a sudden I felt David's elbow jabbing
me in the side. He obviously did not want me to tell Richard. "I did it
to David" I repeated "And he didn't hit me that hard, ow" Phew,
I thought, I got outta that one easy.
By this time, Lloyd and Jack were becoming more and more friends and left me
out. I sat in the seat Jack used to, behind them as they sat together. "No
worries" I told myself "I've got David and the others"
I had been out with a girl before, Anna. At this point I was going out with
Katie. I had a thing about her, I really liked her. You could say I was obsessed,
even to this day I like her. I was getting very confused now, and I didn't spend
much time with Katie any more, our relationship (however much a 12-year-old
can have) was on the rocks. I was getting a bit depressed.
Then one day, just as I stopped doing anything to David, thinking nothing would
ever come of it, he surprised me again. We were walking into our German lesson
and David whispered in my ear: "Have you noticed anything recently?"
This confused me. "A lot of things have been going on lately" I replied
"No, I mean when you touch me… I haven't been resisting you as much
have I?" All of a sudden I realised he was right. He was actually letting
me; it was me who was resisting. I guess I was scared, but he was letting me
all along.
"So are you gay then?" I asked. "No, yes I dunno." He replied.
He was obviously as confused as I was.
I remember how I used to say stuff to him like "Go on, be gay for a while,
see if you like it. Please?" I guess my wish came true.
So we went out for a while. (Well, not officially. We never asked each other
out, I just think it's easier to explain if I say we went out.)
While we were "going out", I was still going out with Katie. I felt
really bad to cheat on her like that, but I felt more for David than I did for
Katie. It was then I realised, I was definitely gay, or at least bisexual.
David and me were doing all the things a couple should. Well, saying that, we
didn't really do anything we should have normally. We never kissed. And we never
had sex. Although we were sure considering it, or rather I was. And besides,
I was too young to do that anyway, I hadn't even gone through puberty yet. All
we would do was touching each other in classes. Sounds sick but it wasn't. We
were in love. At least I loved him, I'm not too sure if he loved me. At lunchtimes,
we would sneak into the boys' toilets, which they usually locked, and we would
touch each other in there. We would always talk about what it's like to be gay
and we were best of friends. It was the best couple of weeks of my life so
far. Then
all the weird stuff happened…
My relationship with Katie was at its end. We never spoke and we were always
fighting. Then I met a girl who was in my English class but I never really spoke
to her. Her name was Catriona, or Cat for short. She knew about Katie and me
and thought she could get between us. She's not bad really, and we are good
friends now, (Insider Info: She had since moved school and I don't see her
anymore) but she was a real bi*ch then. She sent me some letters across
the room, asking if I loved Katie. I said I didn't know anymore. She asked if
I liked her (Cat) and I said yes. So she told me to dump Katie and go out with
her. I really didn't know what to do, and I thought she really loved me and
Katie did not, so I agreed. That day was a special event, we would all go to
a hall and buy books. "National book day" it was, to celebrate Shakespeare's
birthday, and, ironically, the day he died on the same day! Anyway, Katie was
not in my English class and in order to prevent cheating on her, which I really
did not want to do (even though I was already cheating on her with David…)
I wanted to find her. It was like some scene out of a love story, me and Cat
were running around looking for Katie but we never found her there. It was home
time and so I kissed Cat goodbye. Then walking home I saw Katie. I ran up to
her and said, rather coldly I must admit, "I'm sorry – it's not working
out. You're dumped." She wasn't too surprised and she left. I cried when
I got home. That was a stupid thing to do, I really loved Katie.
David and I had been going out for a week. It was Friday night and I walked
through the door, just got back from school. I was over the moon with excitement,
despite breaking up with Katie, I was happy about David. I walked into the utility
room and asked my mum "Can I go round David's on the weekend?" I had
been there before, before David was gay, and so I thought it would be okay.
"No" Mum said. She sounded upset. "Why not?!" I asked, furious
that I would not be able to see him over the weekend. "Because of this"
she said. I looked in terror as she held up a piece of paper, a letter I had
written to David but threw away. She had looked through my bin. It had everything
on it, that I was gay, I was going out with David, everything.
I was so afraid; 'this is it' I realised. 'I am going to be killed'.
She asked me what it was and I lied through my teeth. I said it was all a joke
we played on someone, and that it was over now. She believed me, I think, but
it took a lot of convincing. It wasn't the best story I could have thought up.
She grounded me from seeing David. Although she did say that if I am gay she
will learn to live with it, I never once considered that maybe I should tell
her. She said if my dad found out he would kill me. Then she didn't talk of
it for a long time…
It was Monday morning and I was at school, feeling sorry for myself after I
acted so dumb and let my mum read that letter. I should have ripped it up into
little pieces. I was still going out with Cat, and with David. I didn't tell
David my mum had almost found out, I was afraid he would be horrible to me or
something.
Cat soon dumped me, she said she fancied someone else. I regretted dumping Katie;
she was the one for me. I tried to talk to Katie, I even asked her out but she
turned me down. "Not after what you did to me," she said. I asked
her what she meant; she acted like she didn't care when I dumped her. She just
walked away so I asked my ex-girlfriend and Katie's best friend, Anna. She told
me that Katie did care about me. She just didn't want to make a scene, the night
I dumped her she cried all night. I realised what a twat I had been.
I lost Katie and Cat, and I was about to lose David too. After we messed around
in the toilets we would go through the library, which was being re-built, as
it was the only way out (the caretaker would lock up the exits so no one could
go in.) We then would go down to the bottom of the field and meet Richard, Richard
and John. That was what we did every lunchtime, except one. It was a Wednesday,
the only day David did not have a lesson with his best friend (bar me) Richard
W. So he decided to hang around with Richard instead of me. This should have
been perfectly okay except he didn't tell me beforehand. I couldn't find David
anywhere; he had not come to meet me where we usually did. I was getting worried,
and so I went looking for him. I couldn't find him anywhere but I found John.
It was tipping it down with rain and we were wet and cold and miserable. That
was when I saw David and Richard W. They were messing around in the rain, the
kind of thing they used to do before me and David got together. I asked him
what he was doing, and he said he didn't want to go out with me anymore. I asked
him why and he said that after talking to Richard W he realised he is not gay.
Of course, he did not tell Richard about us, he just meant he was talking to
him generally. It was like a romance film, we were standing there, wet and shivering
with water dripping off us and we were staring into each other's eyes. "Fine."
I said. I stormed off, and for the next couple of days he did not speak to me,
he hated me because I had made him gay, or at least that's what he thought.
David started a rumour that I was gay around the school, and soon everyone knew
me as the gay boy. No one was sure, but they all went along with it. I decided
to get my own back and so I told Richard, Richard, Michael and John that David
was gay. At first they did not believe me but when I told them it explains where
we were every lunchtime, and how we knew all about the new library, and even
what make of underwear David wears, they believed me. I also told them where
to find all my letters to David, and they read them all. I thought that they
would now like me more, as David had lied to them for so long, and he had been
so mean to me. But in fact it made things worse. They thought I was to blame
for him going gay, and hated me even more. For the whole year we went on and
off liking each other some days, then detesting each other other days until
we hated each other permanently.
The rumour had really spread, and now Lloyd and Jack hated me too. But I still
had a couple of friends, most of which were girls. There was one girl called
Charlotte who was the blabbermouth of the century and she heard about the rumour.
Then she told my mum.
My mum was working at the school, and she told her. It was meant to be a joke
but Charlotte did not know the severity it would be. She did not know that mum
already found out once, this time she was more sure of it. That night I got
a lift from my mum and she asked me about it. I lied again and she seemed to
believe me. I knew the lie could not last very long.
I had lost half my friends and I was very miserable. I went home Friday night,
feeling down and I sat in the living room. My mum and sister were both there.
"I've done some tiding in your room," said mum. She had wanted
me to tidy that room for ages. "There's some Lego for you to put away."
A cold shiver went up my spine. With tears in my eyes I ran upstairs, taking
the steps three at a time, I rushed into my bedroom, threw the Lego on the floor
and looked in the cupboards under my bed where the Lego had come from. My worst
nightmare had come true. Down there where I kept my Lego creations, was also
where I stored my diaries, letters and all other stuff. Everything I had been
hiding from my mum and now it was all gone. She had taken it, and read it all.
I burst out crying.
We didn't speak to each other for almost the whole weekend. I avoided mum as
much as possible. Then when I was watching TV in my room, mum came in.
"I've found something I don't think you wanted me to see."
She said. I had to do something. So… I lied. I really did not want to lie
to my mum, I loved her but I had to. If not she would carry out her threats
of sending me to a boarding school or orphanage. So I said it was still part
of the trick I was playing on my friend, that we were acting to be gay or something.
Once again she believed me. Or maybe she didn't… I don't yet know.
Nothing happened for about a year. I was still enemies with David, Richard,
Richard, John and Michael, and lots of people were still picking on me. I would
get beaten up at school. I was very depressed.
Then at some point, either the end of year nine or the beginning of year ten,
I made an Internet friend called Dynna. We would email each other and she helped
me get through the crisis of being gay for a while. That is until I had to stop
talking to her.
At that time I was using the email account on our computer, and I had to hide
the messages from her in fear that someone will find them. Then someone did.
My Dad noticed that whenever I got an email from her, as soon as he went to
click on it it disappeared, and he played around with the view and noticed that
I had hidden them. He read them all and told mum. They said everything about
how I was gay and I was getting beat up at school. My mum cried because she
realised that I didn't want to tell her about it. So she quizzed me about it
again and I lied. Actually, I don't know what I said, but she stopped asking
about it. I had done it again.
Then I came out to Katie, Anna and my friend Aimee who had moved away. They
provided a lot of support, except for Katie that is, who is homophobic. I guess
it's also because I went out with her when I knew I was gay.
Well, that's all I can say for now. Since then I set up a private, Yahoo email
account and made lots of Internet friends, but I also lost all of my school
friends. I only have one or two friends at school and I dread every minute I
am there. I always feel sad and depressed, and I cry about it every day. That
sounds pretty wimpy but I'll tell you, I have every reason to. I lost all my
friends, and I haven't got the best relationship with my parents and all because
I am gay.
I can't help but think that my parents are disappointed in me. In fact, Mum
told me herself that Dad is disappointed in me because I never do anything that
he likes to do. My sister has a boyfriend and is popular, and I know she is
the favourite. I hate my life.
That's all I have to write about right now, I'll keep you updated. I am going
to "come out" to my parents sometime soon, it might sound like a bad
idea but it will help a great deal to have them know, no more secrets and they
will understand why I am so depressed all the time and why I have no friends.
Right now I don't know what they think, they probably think I am a horrible
kid but I'm not. All I want is some friends.
Bye.
Status: Miserable.
~ Shaun 24/12/99
"There's a river of tears I need to cry,
"Been holding back for years,
"There's a mountain so high I need to climb,
"To wipe away the fears,
"Solitude and loneliness,
"Have been a friend of mine,
"As I'm turning my back on emptiness,
"I'm leaving them all behind.
"Who knows just where I'm going?
"Does tomorrow belong to me?
"Walk away this time,
"With my head up high.
"Walk away,
"Just me and myself.
"Walk away with pride,
"Nothing left to hide,
"But it just feels right to be one,
"And just walk away."
- Gerri Halliwell, Walk away.
Here is my online Diary. I update it every now and then with the latest news in my life.
04/01/00 - 23/01/00 - 02/02/00 - 16/02/00 - 19/02/00 - 10/03/00 - 14/03/00 - 18/06/00 - 21/07/00 - 01/08/00 - 01/09/00 - 04/09/00 - 26/10/00 - 30/11/00 - 21/12/00 - 28/12/00 - 12/01/01 - 25/01/01 - 26/01/01 - 28/02/01 - 20/03/01 - 22/04/01
Hi, it's me again.
Well, A couple of days ago we just saw the end of 1999 and the
start of a new Millennium. My New Year's resolution is to be
happier and to make new friends. Also, it is to tell my parents
sometime in the year 2000! I'm not certain of the last one but
I'll try to keep them. At New Years eve and New Years day, we
went round a friends house (friends of my parents) and had a big
party, stayed up 'til 4 in the morning and slept round their
house in sleeping bags on the floor 'coz they were all too drunk
to drive home. And the New Year started with a bang! I've just
been back to school for the first day and things are… odd to
say the least. Although it was only one day, quite a lot has
changed. I mean, the same old people hate me, and the same few
that liked me like me now, but it was okay. Well, I'll run you
through the school day:
Lesson 1: This was Biology. Now I sit with
Daniel (best friend not to be confused with Internet friend,
Daniel) on the left and Robert (Don't know him – he is not
very popular with other people) on the right. Because of this, I
had no problems and spent the whole lesson talking to Daniel
about what we got for Xmas and what we did in the New Year. Oh,
and we worked of course. Mustn't forget that *yawn*
Lesson 2: That was French. I hate French! Mostly
because I sit with David to the left of me, and John to the far
right, with Daniel in between John and me. I mean, I don't really
mind sitting next to David, we don't talk much because I know
he's going to slag me off, but he usually ends up telling Daniel
I am gay, and though he doesn't believe him, I don't like him
saying it. Well I spoke to David a bit today, mostly about a
dilemma I have (Mentioned below...) and he was quite helpful.
Sometimes we can be friends, although because he doesn't like the
fact he was gay, he blames me and so we don't usually get along.
Also, whenever he is with all the others, he doesn't talk to me (or
when he does its to take the p*ss) in fear that the others will
stop liking him (that's how they are). If they have the slightest
suspicion that one of them likes me they would call him gay boy
and be horrible to him. And you'd think me and him would be
friends but then he hates me for doing it to him. Jeez I don't
ever get a break.
Lesson 3: This was PSE. I was with Daniel so
again it was OK. Except we had to write our New Years resolution
and put it in an envelope to open it next year and see if we
followed it. I made one up about being more organised, so it was
OK. But loads of people in the class were saying stuff like
"Mine is to be more nasty to Shaun", "To hate
Shaun more", "To beat Shaun up more often" and
stuff like that. You know the saying, With friends like those who
needs enemies?
Lesson 4: was English. Ugh, I hate English. Not
only am I not very good at it (well, I am very good at it *2 Bs
and an A for essays this year*, I just don't like it) but also I
sit next to John. And that's it. Well, Anna W (no, not the one I
went out with and came out to) and Hannah too but we don't talk
much though. So John slagged me off all lesson, although I asked
his opinion on my "dilemma" and he sort of helped me
before saying "This conversation is over" and then
slagged me off some more. But still he was surprisingly nice.
Lesson 5: This was Maths. I sit next to Daniel
again. We had more arguments with the teacher (he is really
funny, I always criticise little things and we argue about it for
ages. One of the most long running arguments started when I said,
"Why do we need to learn simultaneous equations? They don't
help us in life at all…") So nothing much happened
there.
Then after school I was going to walk home with Anna (now this is
my ex, the one I told) and I was going to ask for help about my
"dilemma" but my mum turned up to drive me home…
talk about bad timing.
So after all, it was quite a good day. Of course at lunchtime,
when we go on the Internet, I got more stick off people. I can't
get my emails at school now in fear someone might see something
they shouldn't.
What's made me the happiest lately is I made a new friend on the
Internet, like my best friend ever and he is really kewl. He is
also gay and that's where the dilemma soon comes in.
Insider Info: It's been so long since
the "dilemma" started, I've decided it'd be okay for me
to mention it here. So here it is, a bit of extra info, exclusive
to ShaunsSite! (seeing as this is the only site where me
LifeStory is published!)
Basically, I had this internet friend called Daniel, and I really fell for him. We chatted for ages, and I told him I thought I was in love with him. He told me he loved me too. Sounds great, but unfortunately he was 19. Or at least that's what he lead me to believe, it turned out he was actually 22! But we still met and had a great time, he gave me my first mobile phone (that's what lead me into buying a new one), and we were best mates, thinking about going out. We emailed each other every day, with emails that were VERY long (averaging at about 8K, with the biggest at about 10K!). But then he got a boyfriend, and I cheered up a bit, and for some reason he thought he didn't need to talk to me anymore. He split up with his boyfriend, but by then I didn't like him *like that* anymore, he had hurt me too much. And even though we were supposed to be friends forever, and even though we have each other's email addresses and phone numbers, we're not really talking. I'd love to talk to him, he's a great mate, and on the odd occasion when he does ring me (if I really moan at him) we are good friends. But nothing more. Ok, I've gone into the next update, but basically that's what happened!
Insider Info: Daniel is now Matty's boyfriend
OK so I gotta go now. I'll keep you updated =)
Status: Getting a bit happier, long way to go yet
~ Shaun 04/01/00
"Don't wanna love you if you don't love me,
"Don't wanna need you when you won't need me too,
"Don't wanna tell you this now,
"But it wouldn't be right,
"If I,
"Didn't tell you this tonight!"
- Samantha Mumba, Gotta tell you.
Hey, long time no see!
Well I've been at school for like three weeks now and its back to
usual. Really crap. Also my "dilemma" I mentioned has
got worse, and I am really sad now. On the good side I have
bought myself a new mobile phone, so I can chat to people on the
Internet on the phone! (That is if they want to waste their money
talking to me, lol). If you are reading this and you want to call
me, then ask me for the number. You may be thinking that I sound
quite happy. Well, I am a bit happier, despite all the bad stuff
that's been going on. I'm starting to learn how to ignore all the
bast*rds who pick on me, and so I am feeling a bit better. I have
also started to play computer games more often, and they are
really helping me to calm down. And I'm listening to more music.
That helps. Hey, I should start a column in a newspaper, lol.
Well I gotta go do some homework I guess *groan*
Status: A bit better
~ Shaun 23/01/00
Hey!
Well, did you know today is special? It's the first time for over
a thousand years that the date is all even numbers! 02, 02, 2000
and the first time for over a thousand years that the date only
consists of 2s and 0s! The last time the date was all even
numbers was 08, 08, 888 that is saying the 10th is odd coz of the
one, not ten. Plus, the date today is 2-2-2000 that's three 2s
and three 0s in that order! Wow, another amazing piece of useless
information provided by me! Well, I have the day off school today
because it's a staff training day. I don't really have much to
say, things have been normal really. Oh, except for a girl asked
me out the other day, I turned her down but I feel so guilty. I
wish I could just say "Sorry, but I prefer men!" Hmm, I
don't think that's wise though. Richard has just found out that I
told Anna and so he's pissing me off again. Life sucks.
Status: Bad
~ Shaun 02/02/00
Hey,
I haven't written anything for a long time so I thought I should.
Yesterday we had a parent-teacher-pupil conference where all the
pupils and parents met in the hall and talked to some teachers
about what could be done to improve grades. It was all boys
yesterday and all girls today, coz they were saying how boys
underachieve. Richard, Richard, David and John were there and
they were all giving me dirty looks the whole time! Yesterday I
felt very suicidal and just wanted to die. But now I guess I'm
better. There's only two school days left 'til the school
holidays! At last! And I'm going on holiday to Center Parcs too,
which will be good. We have exams when we get back so that means
the dreaded word – REVISION! Argh! Last night and today I
came so close to coming out to my parents! I really wanted to as
well, but it turns out they didn't care enough to ask. I can't
really say what happened here, but lets just say if they cared
the slightest they would have asked me what I was watching on TV
at eleven o'clock at night… Leanne grassed me up after she
saw I was awake, you should have heard her say, "Oh, you are
so dead!" And then she told mum and dad, and mum came up and
didn't say a word! If she would have asked me what I was watching
I would have said "Queer as Folk" and she would have
said "why?" Coz I'm gay, stupid! I don't really know
what to say. I'm gonna go now. Seeya
Status: Ok I guess
~ Shaun 16/02/00
Hi!
Wow! This file is almost 5,500 words long now! If only I could hand this in
as a piece of English coursework I would get an A*!
Insider info: I wrote "This file" because when my life story was first published, I put it in my Yahoo Briefcase as a Word document, and it required a password to open. So now I have put it online, I am getting a lot more feedback on it.
Well, I'm now fighting with Aimee (friend who moved away and I
told, see above) coz she reckons I am making "too much of an
issue" about my homosexuality. Like that's possible! We're
going to Center Parcs on Monday, I can't wait to leave this house!
I'm going insane being cooped up in here!
So… life is crap. All I can do now is remember that there is
less than 2 years to go 'til I never have to see David, John,
Richard, Richard and all the other dick-heads again! Unless I get
a job with them, that would be so unlucky!
I've noticed I haven't really been writing anything interesting
here anymore. That's partly coz I dunno what to say, and partly
coz I hardly ever have any time to write!
Gotta go!
Status: Bad
~ Shaun 19/02/00
Hi,
Well, I've wanted to tell my friend at school Daniel about my
problems for a long time… But now he's found out! He's just
got on the Internet and he saw my profile! If you haven't seen my
profile, basically it lists all the gay clubs I'm in, etc., and I
have written about myself saying I am gay! So now he knows. He is
OK about it, he doesn't mind (I think he kinda knew anyway), only
he doesn't really want to talk about it.
Insider info: Now Danny is totally okay about it, and we
talk about it every day, whether it's just a passing comment, a joke or a philosophical
discussion!
In other news, I've sort of got a boyfriend!! His name is Jamie
and he is really cute and smart and funny! The only problem is he
lives miles and miles away from me, but we are hopefully gonna
meet in the hols!! I can't wait!
Well, not much else to write, coz although tonnes of stuff
happens, I can't really write it all down here!
Seeya
Status: Surprisingly happy!
~ Shaun 10/03/00
Hello!
Sunday night was a big event in my life. After telling myself I
was going to do it, every day for the last two years, I have
finally "come out" to my mum! I can't believe it! I
spent the whole night on the Internet researching about coming
out, and I made a document much like this one with all the info
in it (nearing 8000 words!). I am going to make my mum read it,
so she fully understands what I've been going through! And also
I'll let her read this (If you're reading now, hi mum!). I
haven't yet told my dad or sister, as mum says I shouldn't. This
confused me, as my sister has a gay friend (mentioned briefly
above) and so she shouldn't be bad about it. But then I suppose
it's different when it's your own brother. I haven't yet told my
dad as he is (I think) very homophobic, and like mum said, he
wants me to get married and have kids (which, I may add, is quite
possible, as gay adoption is legal now (I think!?) and you can
have a gay wedding in certain countries (Ross's ex-wife married a
woman in "Friends"!)). The ironic thing is, I am one of
the two remaining boys in our family, who can keep our name
going, and I can't if I'm not going to get married!
Ok here's a question: In a gay/lesbian wedding, how do they
figure out who changes their surname? Probably the one who
volunteers…?
So basically I am happy now! I'm still getting bullied at school
though, but I'm hoping mum can sort that out (she's good at stuff
like that).
Seeya!
Status: Over the moon! A huge relief!
~ Shaun 14/03/00
"And if at first you don't succeed, (first you
don't succeed)
"Dust yourself off and try again.
"You can dust it off and try again, try again,
"'Coz if at first you don't succeed,
"You can dust it off and try again,
"Dust yourself off and try again, try again."
- Aaliyah, Try again.
Hi there,
Well, as I haven't written in a heck of a long time, I thought
I'd better give you the latest info.
Well, since I've written, I've been dumped by two "boyfriends".
I say "boyfriends" coz I never really went out with
either of them. Here's the story:
I met a boy called Jamie (mentioned above), and we were really
great friends, we talked every day and had loads in common. He
was 16. We really liked each other and were planning to meet. But
then we had a big fight. And he told me he was going out with
someone else, his friend from school who he'd just found out is
gay. So we have stopped talking.
Then, "boyfriend" number two is
classified.
Insider Info: I have classified this section because I don't think I should mention it anymore. When everything works out (like in a year or two) I will put it back there (in my autobiography). If you've read it before, you may be wondering why I am making such a big deal about it, its nothing bad. But it's coz I don't want anyone to know about it anymore. Ok, so I'm digging a lot, and it would be quicker with a spade (j/k), but basically the person I went out with then, I am going out with now (04/09/00), and so I can't say too much about it. Sorted.
So, as you can guess, I am pretty bummed out by the whole
thing. Anyway, I'll keep you updated ;)
Status: Ok
~ Shaun 18/06/00
"Hey, what's wrong with you?
"You're looking kinda down to me!
"'Coz thing's ain't getting over,
"Listen to what I say,
"Got to turn around,
"Got to turn around!"
- Phats and Small, Turn around.
Hiya,
Well, I don't really have much to say. Except I have LOADS to say!
But I just can't say it! Something amazing has happened, and
there's this huge conflict going on inside my head whether I
should tell anyone it or not. But if I want it to stay amazing, I
mustn't tell anyone. So I won't. All I can say is, things are
great and I'm finally happy again.
"I've got a secret, I cannot keep it,
"It's just a whisper, of a distant memory,
"Just a dream, or so it seems,
"Take me back to, the place I'd rather be.
"You left a fire in my eyes,
"That lightens up the darkest
skies,
"I'm giving up, I'm letting go,
"I'll find my way so...
"Take me back, to my sweet la Vida,
"Find my love, my dolches vita,
"Show me where, I need to go,
"Donne des ta, mi Chico Latino!"
- Gerri Halliwell, Mi Chico Latino
Wow! I did it! With some help from my sister's gay friend, I told
my sis that I am gay! Well, actually, I just gave her a big hint,
and mum told her while I wasn't in the room. She's fine about it.
Ok, she cried, but that's just 'coz she doesn't like gay people,
but she still likes me. Next stop, telling my Dad… (ARGH!)
In other news, I have made a couple of new friends now, and I
have told a couple more people. I have decided that if anyone
asks me about my sexuality anymore, I'm just gonna go and tell
them. I don't care what happens, no more lying!
I have started to make my own new website, and you may well be
reading this there, it is www.shaunsgaysite.com
- yes my own domain name! Although I am having trouble working it!
The only thing I am worrying about right now is that anyone in
the world can see it, and that is very scary! What if someone at
school finds it??
Insider info: Okay so in the end I deleted ShaunsGaySite.com - it was too risky. But I'm still here on geocities!
"Seven years of waiting, Seven years of holding
on.
"Yes it's been, Yes it's been,
"I always kept my faith and, I always knew this day would
come,
"Let everybody know,
"I've made up my mind,
"It's time for a new beginning!
"I'm living my life.
"It's time for a new beginning!
"There's a new day coming,
"I'm getting ready for a change,
"Yes I am, Yes I am,
"I gotta keep on running,
"Gotta be a better way,
"Yes there is, Yes there is,
"I gotta do what's in your heart,
"And say what's on your mind.
"Everybody
"Got a future to myself,
"I feel now that its my time.
"Let everybody know yeah!
"I've made up my mind,
"It's time for a new beginning!
"I'm living my life.
"It's time for a new beginning!"
- Stephen Gately, New beginning.
Status: Very Happy!!
~ Shaun 21/07/00
Hiya!
I am now on school 6 weeks holiday, well I have been for a week
now. Mum and Dad have just left to go to Tenerife, and I'm
staying at home. I decided not to go on holiday this year, after
last year's disaster! (If you don't know what I'm on about,
basically I had a great time and made loads of friends, but then
I never saw them again. It was very sad). So I'm gonna be at home
with just my sister and her boyfriend for a week! That means
Leanne is gonna boss me about the whole time, Nigel won't say a
word to me 'coz he thinks I'm weird, and I will be bored out of
my skull! But the good thing is I can have friends round whenever
I want and I have £10 worth of free Internet time this week!
I'm a LOT happier now, things are going great! As I speak, I'm
sitting at the computer pumping out music from the PC and I
just can't stop smiling! Things are soo great! I've never been
this happy in my life, everything's gonna be fine from here! And
when I go back to school in 5 weeks, I'm just gonna be myself and
I don't care what people think!
I now have MSN Messenger, and my username is shaun_rob, so if ya
wanna chat on that, just gimmie a shout =)
I'm sooo happy!
"When the world, leaves you feeling blue, you can
count on me, I will be there for you.
"When it seems, all your hopes and dreams, are a million
miles away, I will reassure you.
"We've got to all stick together, good friends are there for
each other, never ever forget that,
"I got you and you got me so..
"Reach for the stars!
"Climb every mountain higher
"Reach for the stars!
"Follow your hearts desire
"Reach for the stars!
"And when that rainbow's shining over you, that's when the
dreams will all come true!"
- S Club 7, Reach.
Status: =) Great!!!
~ Shaun 01/08/00
Well, since I last wrote, things have been up and down like a yo-yo and on and off like a light bulb. But right now, things are down and out =(. I mean, I'm still feeling great, everything's gonna be fine in the future, but right now things are bad, because I can't do what I want to do. Now that sounds completely weird, but although I want to tell you everything, some thing's I can't say! Basically, mum and Leanne have both gone nuts and they hate me. They have also banned me from seeing someone which made me feel like shit. And me and mum may have to go and see a psychiatrist. I can't say any more than that.
Also, I am going back to school in 4 days! Argh!!! I hate school! And I have loads of homework to do!
"Holding you closer, it's time that I told you,
"Everything's going to be fine.
"Know that you need it and try to believe it,
"Take me one step at a time.
"If this ain't love,
"(why does it feel, why does it feel, why does it feel)
"Why does it feel so good?"
- Spiller, Groovejet.
Gotta go,
Status: So-so
~ Shaun 01/09/00
I was updating my website and I thought I'd update this too. Things haven't really changed much since last time, I haven't seen a shrink yet, and a battle is going on in my head that I cannot win. Or lose. One part of me is happy, over the moon, ecstatic, feeling great because of how great it's gonna be in a couple of years time, and how great things are now (sort of). But another part of me is moody, blue, suicidal, uncontrollably depressed because although things are gonna be GREAT in the future, things are pretty SH!T now. So basically I don't know whether to laugh or cry!
I go back to school the day after tomorrow, so I am trying to make the best of the few hours of freedom I have left before homework and early nights take over my life once again. Also, I have left all my homework to the last minute again, which means I have loads to do today / tomorrow! Argh!
Well, best be off
Status: AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH - Understand?
~ Shaun 04/09/00
Okay, It's soon gonna be ShaunsGaySite.com's 100th day birthday, so I thought I'd update my life story!! Okay so I really can't say much, but here's the low-down of what's been happening, since the last update!
I am doing great with my boyfriend (yup, that's right -
boyfriend!) I've been going out with him for almost 5 months now
and everything's great. I couldn't ask for a sweeter, kinder,
nicer, funnier, (sexier) boyfriend!!!! I love him to bits and he
feels the same way =)
Okay, so bad things like getting beat up have happened, but they
always happen. I'm gonna take the good news with the bad and be
happy for once!! Everything's gonna be great in the end, and even
if it doesn't, its good to dream. At least I know my boyfriend
will always love me, and I will ALWAYS love him!!
At the mo, I'm doing coursework. That means I'm in my last year
at school, then I'm hopefully going to college, then maybe uni,
then I'm gonna move in with my boyfriend! Sounds a long way away,
and sometimes it feels like it, but when I'm in his arms it feels
like its all gonna happen tomorrow!
Okay, I'd better stop this before it all gets too soppy, but
basically I'm the happiest I've ever been ever!
"Look at the stars,
"Look how they shine for you.
"And everything you do,
"Yeah they were all Yellow.
"I came along,
"I wrote a song for you,
"And all the things you do,
"And it was called Yellow"
- Coldplay, Yellow.
Seeya
Status: Words can't explain! Happy happy happy!
~ Shaun 26/10/00
You may notice that ShaunsGaySite has been removed, and so
my site only works under the geocities domain. This is because of security
risks, Matthew had a link to my site, and people at school go to his site. But
the newly updated ShaunsSite is much better, you may agree!
Well, things are going great with my boyfriend. He is in America at the moment,
and I am missing talking to him on the phone! We haven't met up for a while
either, but hopefully we are meeting over xmas, I can't wait!
I have decided to make a club to go with my site. I did start "ShaunsGayClub" but instead decided to merge with an existing club, ran by my friend Matthew. It's called Gay and Bi Teens, and you'll find it in the contents section of my site, or here: http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/gayandbiteens
Insider Info: Gay and Bi Teens has been deleted for some unknown reason.. maybe someone put porn there and Yahoo deleted it? Anyway, look out for Gay And Bi Teens 2 AKA "Gay and Bi Teens Club" at www.gayandbiteens.com
I sound kinda dull today, I know, but I am mega happy really! I have exams in a week, mock GCSE exams! But I'm not worried, I know I'll do the best I can =)
Gonna go, but first.. A song... =)
"I
believe you can’t control or choose your sexuality.
"I believe that trust is more important than monogamy.
"I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul.
"I believe that family is worth more than money or gold.
"I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair.
"I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires.
"I
believe in karma what you give is what you get returned.
"I believe you can’t appreciate real love ‘til you’ve been burned.
"I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side.
"I believe you don’t know what you’ve got until you say goodbye."
- Savage Garden, Affirmation.
Status: =)
~ Shaun 30/11/00
I'm soo excited, it's almost Christmas! Not much has been going on, me and my boyfriend are fine (after a lot of problems), I'm seeing him again soon and I can't wait! I've started making another website, dedicated to my favourite online game, Team Fortress Classic. Check it out at http://move.to /sprinter ! Also, I have started to make a website for mine and Matty's club, it's at http://www.oocities.org/gayandbiteens (as you can probably guess, I love making websites!!)
Insider Info: The TFC site has been knocked down to make room for a HTML site @ http://www.oocities.org/shaun_l_r
Not much at all is happening, apart from Xmas. I am beginning to think I don't need to update this site anymore, as my life is fine now. But I still want to help with people who aren't so lucky. How about contacting me and telling me what extra stuff I need on my site? Visit http://www.oocities.org/shaun_rob/instantemail.htm !
Insider Info: Instant email has moved to http://shaunssite.scott-clark.co.uk/instantemail.htm wow this site is changing all the time!
Gotta go,
"My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering
why I,
"I got out of bed at all.
"Morning rain clouds up my window,
"And I can't see at all.
"Even if I could, it'd all be grey,
"But your picture on the wall,
"It reminds me that it's not so bad,
"It's not so bad."
- Dido, Thank you.
Status: Happy!
~ Shaun 21/12/00
Things have all been going wrong. I've lost my boyfriend, for the last time. And although we're gonna try to be friends, I can't help feeling sad. It wouldn't bother me, I mean I'd like to be friends with him, but he keeps changing his mind about it, and I wonder if he really cares about me. Of course he does, but I can't help wondering. Part of me wants to stop talking to him, because I feel like I can't be 'just friends' with him. Part of me wants to hang on, and try to get back together. But I know that won't work.
Insider Info: Things with my boyfriend work out. Read on, read on...
Anyway, I can't say any more than that.
Cya
Status: Sad :(
~ Shaun 28/12/00
"If I,
"Should stay,
"I would only be in,
"Your way.
"So I'll go,
"But I know,
"I'll think of you every step of,
"The way.
"Bitter sweet,
"Memories.
"That is all, I am taking,
"With me-e-e.
"So goodbye,
"Please, don't cry.
"We both know I'm not what,
"You need.
"And I-I-I e-e I-I-I
"Will always love you o-o, I
"Will always love you..."
- Whitney Huston, I will always love you.
In that last update, I was feeling really bad. Well, I'm now feeling great! I gave my ex a call, and it turn out he does still want to stay best friends (I must have read the signs wrong) and, I dunno, maybe we can give it another go sometime in the future. But for now, we're just great mates!
Hey, It's a new year! 2001, baby! So with the new year come new year's resolutions.. mine are to be happy, and to live life to the full! And to update my site more often, lol!
I have now completely updated ShaunsSite with a whole new look, and added some great new features. I am also going to make the Private Section (a new, private feature to only my best friends) bigger, bolder and better.. in the form of "ShaunsSite @ Home".. more info on that coming soon!
Oh, and check out http://www.gayandbiteens.com - it's my club's homepage, and it, too, is having a total makeover. It may not be up for a while (Matthew needs to hurry up and give me some content to put on it!) but you can at least have a look at the old version!
Those two additions, along with Gay Scottish Teens add up to the ShaunsSite site divisions - all the web pages made by me! And I am thinking of getting a domain name, such as www.shaunssite.com and using it for these! But one step at a time..!
Insider info: Unfortunatley, shaunssite.com is taken :(
Okay, I must be off. I have a story to write about the homeless. It's English coursework, but if it's good I may put it on my site.. It has a bit of relevance!
Seeya,
Status: Happy!
~ Shaun 12/01/01
Well, I'm still pretty happy, even though me and my ex are TOTALLY finished now.. There's no turning back :( The only way we'd ever get back would be if we still knew each other in about 3/4 years, still liked each other and were both single... doubtful!!
I met a friend called Simon the other day, and had a great time!! Members of Shaun's Site @ Home will be able to read all the juicy details (with Simon's permission, of course), others will have to settle with a few facts: Me and Matty took the bus to Norwich, we met Simon, talked a lot, I ended up snogging with him in the loos, a security guard came in and asked us what the hell we were doing in a cubicle together, and he threw us out! Argh! But it was such a laugh!
I'm hoping to meet Simon again next Sunday, and this will be a continuing thing, as I like him and he really likes me! I told him I can't go out with him 'coz I'm not over my ex yet, but who knows what will happen! By the way, he is 15.
Insider Info: The me and Simon thing never worked out, and turned out to be a big mistake.
Gotta go,
Status: Pretty damn good
~ Shaun 25/01/01
"We all had our reasons to be there,
"We all had a thing or two to learn.
"We all needed someone to cling to,
"So we did."
- Alanis Morissette, Forgiven
Wow, this is the quickest I've updated this - in only a day! Well I'm pretty bored as I am off school.. I have a bad cough, a horrible cold and conjunctivitis! (pink-eye!). It's horrible. And I can't go to the doctors until Monday, which means I am missing a lot of school! Argh!
No I'm not some kind of freak who loves school, but as it's year 11 for me, we are preparing for exams, and Monday is when I start my Maths coursework and also my English oral exam! I can't miss any more of the week or I'm doomed (lol)
As I have the day off, I am gonna spend it doing up my website... which means Shaun's Site @ Home will be online very soon!!
Check out the lyrics page, as I have just added a few more of my favourite songs. As you can see from there, no hard feelings from me and my ex.. not!! lol
Seeya,
Status: Alright
~ Shaun 26/01/01
Hiya,
I haven't updated this in a while so I thought I would. The 'fling' between Simon and I is over, as I am [sort of] back with my boyfriend. Although I said "TOTALLY finished", we can't break up, there's too much there!
I have just recently met a guy called Chris. He had been to my site and stolen some pics and ideas.. I was furious! So I stormed his guestbook with hate mail. But now we've made up and we're helping each other with our websites.. you'll notice a lot of changes to ShaunsSite over the next few weeks! Tell me what you think!
Hey, it's valentines day today! I didn't get anything :( but I did get a txt message from my boyfriend! That'll do me :)
I'm a bit sad really, 'coz mum has had an operation on her knee, and so cannot drive me to school and back. This means I have to walk - and that means I'll get beaten up :(. So I have to 'hide out' in the library until about 4pm, then walk home! It's horrible.
Gotta go now,
Status: Okay
~ Shaun 14/02/01
Well, things really have been mad! I am now getting to meet my 'boyfriend' every Sunday, with Matty and his boyfriend. The 's are because we are still kinda on and off, mainly coz of the problems surrounding my age.. but hopefully that won't be a problem for too much.
Insider info: I only got to meet my bf 2 Sundays, LOL
In other news, Matt is doing a project about homophobia for his Sociology lesson, and we started a 'class discussion' in PSE today! I came out to more people today and yesterday than I have in my life I think! Robert, Ashley, Lewis, Pip, Michelle, Jack, Charles.. more, wow! It is such a great feeling to be out of the closet, and by the reactions of some of the people in class to homophobia, I think I can tell most of them and be certain to get support.
We had a 'family meeting' today because basically our family is falling apart! Mainly because I am so stressed out and depressed, I just snap at people! But it was also the fault of Leanne and Dad. Hopefully that is sorted out now.
I have been so depressed lately, and I don't even know why. Its partly because I am still getting some bullying at school, and partly because of the whole 'me and my boyfriend' thing. The thing is, I know I have nothing to be upset about there, but for some reason I do get upset. I was considering going to the doctors to get some anti-depressants but then my boyfriend rang and made me feel so much better. I can't live without him!!
I had better go, remember to check out all the additions to ShaunsSite; there will be lots!!
Status: REALLY HAPPY + REALLY SAD = REALLY
CONFUSED!
~ Shaun 28/02/01
Today I'm feeling great.. I saw my boyfriend on Sunday and had the best time, and also last night [thanx to Matty a bit] I made friends with the boy I was terrified of, coz he beat me up a couple of times. So now I can walk home safely again!
For once I actually feel like everything is fine, and nothing's gonna go wrong coz I got my boyfriend and he makes me soooo happy!!
Status: Couldn't be better
~ Shaun 20/03/01
Well I'm pretty bummed out 'coz my boyfriend and I have split up AGAIN! LOL! But I'm not too bothered about it, as we're hopefully gonna stay friends, and that's what counts really. And if it doesn't work out, then it's not meant to be.
I have decided that this will be the last update I write, as there is no point me going on - the worst is over I think. However, if something major happens [telling my dad, etc.] then I'll put it here.
I'd like to take this opportunity to just say anyone out there who feels they have a story to tell, and something has happened in their life, I urge you to write it down. If you can't find a place on the web to put it, I will be happy to publish it on my site! Email me shaun@shaunssite.co.uk
So, goodbye!!
Status: Fine
~ Shaun 22/04/01
Email me shaun@shaunssite.co.uk