One Wish, Continued... (part two)
The sun’s too bright in the spring; I think I’m getting sick. I got a C on my report card. “See, I told you that you weren’t worth anything. Your siblings got all A’s this year, what’s wrong with you?” The teacher that laughed about Christmas told me that I’m not working up to my full expectations. I don’t turn in my homework anymore. I’ll show them, they can’t make me turn in my homework.
One candle for two years. Don’t cry, only the weak cry, it’s our little secret, don’t tell anyone, what do you mean you want to go to your friend’s house? You don’t have any friends, they just hang out with you cuz they feel sorry for your brother, having to watch you all the time, make sure you don’t tell, don’t talk, don’t complain, don’t bother any of your elders…
They found out that Teacher told me about Christ, but I still don’t get it. Does Christ exist? I don’t think the Goddess would let him, because he’s only half a god. No impurities. They say that Christianity is an old religion, that only old people and drunks believe in Christ anymore. Only the Goddess exists, there is no room in heaven for half-breeds, especially ones like me. I wonder what happened to the old religions. Was there a fight? Did they die? Surely they had to have been real, else why would anyone believe in them?
The window finally got fixed in the sitting room, they said that I should have told them about it a long time ago, because it made the heating bill go up…
I like the summer. I get to go to the beach. They don’t like that because they don’t like me to leave the house, but they leave me alone in the summer, kind of…Mother likes it when I come to visit her, but They don’t like it because They say I’m antisocial, They say that all the time; I don’t like hanging out with their friends. They say I’m too uptight and need to relax. Brother says that I should party with him and his friends, he’s sure I’d have a good time. They say that I can go if I want, but he’s got to keep an eye on me. He says he’d like me to go with him. Summer is a long way off. Maybe I will go…
I’ll leave the house today, and it’s a weekend. They have been keeping me home from school lately because They say I’m a danger to myself when I act like I have been. I didn’t do anything different, I think they lied about the bruises, because I saw Sarah staring at me last week, and I asked her what she was staring out and she said, “The bruises on her face.” After that, I didn’t go to school. Brother told me I have to go out and party with his friends tonight. They said that I can, but he has to keep an eye on me. I don’t know what I’m going to do when it’s time to go. I never go anywhere on the weekends. That’s off-limits, outside on non-school days. I only go out for school and sometimes for my chores. I don’t have many chores to do on the weekdays because of my schoolwork, but I have some on the weekend, dishes, mopping, windows, garbage, dusting, washing, laundry, vacuuming, and changing sheets. I don’t have any sheets on my bed. I don’t have a bed. The dog took the couch, so now I sleep on the floor. I don’t mind, the rug is really comfortable. I never bother the dog, he’s got an important job to do, watching the house and all.
How will I get into the sitting room tonight when I get home? Maybe I can find a way through the window, no, the window broke last time I tried to do anything with it, I guess I should stop worrying about it. I can sleep on the porch tonight and wait for Spot to get up in the morning, not that I sleep, but it’s nice to pretend so that They don’t get upset. I don’t like it when They get upset at me.
Brother has a nice car, but I don’ t think that it’s his, maybe his friend’s? It’s sky blue, not the pink blue, like when the sun is setting, but the sky blue I see when I get home from school. It seems like we’re flying down the roads, going really fast. Brother says that it’s alright, and I believe him, Never doubt your elders. The school bus never goes this fast, but Brother says it was alright so I go along with it. Never disrespect an elder or tell them that their wrong, Mother didn’t tell me that, They said that when I tried telling them that the sky was actually curved and not straight. Teacher told me that, and I still didn’t believe that They could be wrong.
Brother said it is alright if I drink, so I do, but not very much, I want to cherish the bright blue can before they throw it out the window like they do with theirs. This drink makes my head swim anyway, so I only drink a little, “Drink a little faster, sis. I want it gone before we get to the beach, you like the beach, don’t you sis?” A jeering smile.
I drink faster, “Yes that’s right, do you want another?” Two? No one ever gives me anything, and here brother is, offering me another.
“Yes, I’d like another, please.” Another pretty blue can.
“Drink a little faster, will you? No cans allowed on the beach. Hurry up. No don’t worry about it, I can get you another can when we get back.” The car stops and we get out, “Hey, Jim, can you believe she drank that much? She’s still walkin’ too” Another laugh, this one more unnatural, “She handles her liquor better than you do.” Hahahahahaha…more laughter, they always laugh at me.
“Can we sit down please, Brother? I feel a little tired.”
“No you can’t, I don’t want you passin’ out on me cuz then I’d have to carry you back. Hey Jim! Wanna have a little fun?”
Jeering laughter, Jim says his first to me ever, but not the last, “Lay down and be quiet, no don’t scream, our little secret, you can’t tell…” My head swims.
One more year, one more candle. This year they’ll be enough cake, too. Everything looks the same. Always looks the same. Jim’s here now, he takes Brother and I out sometimes. No more blue cans, no more pretty blue cars, no more blue, now everything is brown, even the liquid in the little brown bottles. Even the car, even the candles are brown this year. I have to blow out all the candles this year…one wish one wish a year and only one…
“Cut the cake, sweetheart” Jim calls me sweetheart sometimes, when he’s drunk, “Remember to serve everyone else first and then you can have a piece.”
Everyone gets a piece but still no cake for me. The reason this year, “That last piece is for the neighbor boy, he had a track meet tonight and couldn’t make it. He sent a card, he deserves a piece of cake, too.” Always an excuse, always next year. There’s always a next year. Three years, two candles, still two more years until I have enough candles for my special cake. Two more years and Jim won’t care if I wear to pink dress to school, or whether the teacher yelled at him for hitting me last hour. No one can see the bruises anyway. I keep quiet, “It’s our little secret, remember, They’ll be mad if they find out what you’ve been doing. Don’t forget that no one else cares about you but me. You don’t want them mad at you, do you? Then what would you do?”
No, I don’t want them mad at me, no I don’t want Jim mad at me, no more time in the corner, no more bruises, I’m a good girl, I don’t talk, Children are to be seen, not heard.
Two years is a long time, but it goes by quickly” That’s what the lady at school told me when she was trying to figure out what classes I should take next year. She doesn’t like me; she says I should have more goals and that I shouldn’t act like I do. I don’t know what she means. Once, she did ask me what my goals were, I said that I wished it were my birthday so my wish would come true. She says that that isn’t a proper goal and so she called and talked to Them. They got mad, really mad, I wasn’t supposed to talk to anyone at school, that is why they keep me home now. They say I’m old enough to where it doesn’t matter if I go to school.
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