As the pregnancy continued our excitement grew. I remember his first movements and treasured them even then. Andrew was so gentle when he was inside me. He would prefer one position and good luck getting him to turn over. My midwife did turn him so he was head down at about 24 weeks. I remember thinking I was going to miss him inside me, but I thought I would be enjoying him in my arms.
My midwife was concerned about Andrews growth so she had me go in for and ultrasound. They said he was small but within normal ranges. At 38 1/2 weeks (Sunday) I started having contractions. They were not hard, but I could time them sometimes. We thought my water broke on Monday night but I did not continue to leak fluid. He might have kicked a hole in the sac since he was sitting high in my uterus. I was rear ended in my car on Wednesday, going only about 5 mph. The last time I remember Andrew moving was on Thursday, and he was very active that day. I was continuing to have contractions so I thought we are getting close. Andrew settled further into my pelvis so any movement he may have done I did not feel.
On Tuesday morning I woke up feeling sick and did not eat anything until afternoon, and then I could not even keep it down. I was walking a lot to get the labor going more seriously. At 2:00 pm I started getting a fever and called my midwife, my temperature was 100 degrees at 4:00 pm. My midwife, Carol, came to my house at 5:00 pm and could not get a heartbeat. She did not panic, but called the hospital and told them we were coming in for an emergency ultrasound. She said not to panic, he could be turned wrong. I knew it was too late, but all the way to the hospital I kept thinking, "God raised Lazarus from the dead, He could raise our baby too". The ultrasound showed no heartbeat, I was so upset.
I checked into the hospital and we induced labor. It took a long time to get things going, I was taken off the Pitocin for a short time to sleep and let my body get more prepared. That whole time we had friends and family visiting us. We would laugh, talk, cry and sleep. I did not sleep very much. I decided to get an epidermal to ease the pain and they upped the Pitocin level. I started to really dilate quickly. They told me to sleep when I was 7 cm dilated. I slept right through transition and woke up ready to push and hour later.
I pushed for about 30 minutes and pushed out my first born son, Andrew Rane. He was born at 10:48 pm on October 15, 1997. He was 19 inches long and 5 lb. 8 1/2 oz. My husband had not cried this whole time, but when Andrew emerged from my body Brent's heart erupted in tears. We held Andrew and took pictures of him. We had a video camera that we took pictures with, too. Our parents and sisters spent time holding Andrew and saying hello and good-bye. My parents had bought a special outfit for us to dress him in after we bathed him. We kept Andrew with us for 14 hours. I rocked Andrew and wrote my thoughts on paper so I would not forget this precious time we had with our firstborn son.
It was hard seeing his body change, but it helped usto acknowledge he was gone. His body was an empty shell and I could feel that the next morning as I was with him. Brent sang, read, and even watched a little sports and cartoons with Andrew. We had to do everything we could with Andrew right then, because it was all the time we had with him.
We knew of others who had experienced stillbirth and their input meant so much to us. We knew what we could do for our baby. Even though we were at a small hospital the staff was great and knew what to do, it seemed like all the nurses had lost a baby either to stillbirth, miscarriage or knew somebody who had. They all hugged me and cried with me. The nurse midwife advised us on a lot of things and we were so grateful for her help. We did not have an autopsy done on his body, only on his placenta. There were many parts of the placenta that had stopped functioning, probably the cause of his death. There was nothing conclusive we could get from the report.
Brent had to go make the funeral arrangement and pick a place to leave our son's body forever. It was so hard for him, but he ended up picking a site under a cherry blossom tree (which I love.) The funeral home, Weddles, was great. They gave us everything for free, even his little casket. I had Andrew wrapped in a blanket I had made for him and put a yellow rose from a bush outside our nursery in his casket. Andrew's grandparents wrote letters and tucked them in beside his body. We had a grave side service that our families and friends came to support us and help us say good-bye. Brent played "Jesus Loves Me" on his trumpet to Andrew (he had sung it to him in the hospital). We released blue balloons with birth announcements tied to their strings after the funeral. We stayed to bury our baby in the ground. It was important to me to know he would be there for when we visit him.
We moved to Washington a few weeks after Andrew was born, as we had been planning to do. We moved in with my parents, which has proved to be a good move as they are very supportive. We moved to be a part of a very special church, New Life Christian Fellowship. There are two couples who had had stillborn babies and have gone on to have healthy babies. They have been so wonderful and are helping both Brent and I.
We went back down to Oregon over Thanksgiving weekend. We still had to sell our house down there so we had all of our stuff there still. I packed up the nursery on Friday. That was so hard to do. Folding the bedding Andrew was to have slept in and putting away all the clothes, diapers, toys and blankets was almost enough to break my heart. I still have hopes and dreams for the next baby, but I will never have a baby to put in that room we worked so hard to remodel.
We visited Andrew's grave on Saturday morning (it was raining - suitable weather). The grave marker was just put in the ground a few days before. We had designed and approved it but were not sure it would be there. It has a picture of Jesus holding a baby and has a heart and music note, as Brent and my contributions. The text reads:
Losing a baby is not something people forget. We loved Andrew all the days of his life. I read somewhere:
We would like to help others who are going through similar pain. I would like to tell other all they can do with their stillborn baby after it is born, so they do not feel like they missed out on something. I have heard so many regrets from others who wished they could have done more, but that is only natural. There is only so much you can do in such a short life. We feel God's hand giving us peace and loving us through it all. If you know of somebody who has lost a child let them know about this site or have them contact me.
