What To Do    When A Baby Dies

Ideas for remembering your baby

a lock of hair a set of footprints and handprints a birth certificate plastic arm bracelet prepared by hospital for your baby a tracing of your babies body paper from the fetal heart monitor of your babies heartbeat a record of your babies weight, length, and head and chest measurements the blanket and clothes your baby was first dressed in video of your time with your baby take pictures of your baby

in warm bath in baby warmer (babies coloring will be good) a family picture with mom holding with dad holding of babies feet and hands in parents hand baby in friends of families arms with doctor/midwife

Things to do with your baby

keep your baby for as long as you want

name your baby the name you had chosen

bathe your baby

dress your baby in a special outfit

hold your baby

rock baby in rocking chair

talk to your baby

kiss your baby

watch TV (sports, cartoons, ect.)

invite friend and family to see and hold baby

they need to say hello and good bye too

sit together holding baby and crying

write thoughts of baby down

say good-bye to your baby

sing to your baby

Things to do later

get herb called "mothers milk dry" and bind breasts up to help stop engorgement (a dropper full three times a day for about a week)

call and tell close friends and family details of baby and birth

contact funeral home (some will do for minimal cost or free)

decide whether to cremate or bury baby

pick a place to bury baby (some cemeteries have baby plot or areas)

write letter to baby and put in casket

wrap baby in special blanket

release balloons with birth announcements tied to at funeral

personalize the grave marker (heart, music notes, ect)

start a journal to record thoughts and events as they happen

plant a tree or rosebush in memory of your baby

make a memory box to put babies stuff in

make birth/death announcements to send to people

visit grave and leave:

silk flowers

pinwheels

toys (football, plastic toys, ect.)

balloons

plants

buy candle to burn on their birthday

read about stillbirth, miscarraige or cause of death

talk to people who have experienced the loss of a child

Things you can do to help somebody who lost a child

make food and bring over volunteer to do chores or run errands come and visit so mom is not left alone all the time,  she had expected to be changing diaper and feeding baby lend them a baby: to hold and cry over to take to store and get that new mom attention ask about birth and baby bring babies name up in conversation get a card, plant, lotion, or soap to give to mom ask dad how he is doing and listen call and talk to parents about baby for months - they are still grieving

Are you ready for another baby?

The thought of having another baby can be scary at first.  The fear of it all happening again is real.  Physically doctors say to wait for three normal cycles.  Emotionally that depends on how you deal with the grief.  One friend told me that having another baby is a part of the healing process, it fill your empty arms. Some feel anxious and cannot wait to hold another baby in their arms. While others feel they would become bitter toward a new child, subconsciously desiring the child that died. It is a personal and private decision, but one deserving of much thought and consideration.

There are no text book rules on when it is all right to get pregnant again. For some, several months will be acceptable. While for others, they may not feel ready for years. So how do you know when the time is right for you and your family?

Here are some thought provoking tips on subsequent pregnancies:

Is the grief of the death of your child still unbearable? Does it still consume every moment of every day? If it does, it may be too soon for another child. Grief is hard and exhausting work. It will be difficult to do your grief work when so much energy is expended on a subsequent pregnancy and all the worries which accompany it.

Are you able to laugh and smile throughout your day, without feeling as if you have betrayed the memory or love of your child?

Are you able to attend baby showers? Can you walk through the baby aisle in department stores? If not, you may not be ready to prepare yourself for another baby in your life. It will be a constant reminder of what should have been.  Observe yourself and your reaction to other babies the same age/sex as your child.

Tips to survive a subsequent pregnancy:

Attend a subsequent pregnancy support group. No one will understand your fears, your ambivalence and your anxiety more than other parents experiencing the same issues.

Choose a compassionate and understanding obstetrician and pediatrician. Make sure they know about the death of your child so they will understand the root of all your concerns. Be sure that they are willing to address your questions, offer support and that they will be readily available should you need their assistance. This can make all the difference in the world for surviving a subsequent pregnancy.

Create a birthing plan. Write down ways for your family and the hospital stay to accomodate you and make you more comfortable. Consider bringing a framed photograph of your deceased child to the hospital with you.  Some parents say it helped make them feel as if they included their deceased child in the birth of his or her sibling.

After the birth of your child, do whatever you need to in order to ensure your peace of mind.  Apnea monitors are available to parents who feel the need for that extra assurance.

Include a section in your new baby's birth book about your deceased baby. Include photographs and information so that when he or she grows up, they too will know their older sibling.

Surviving a subsequent pregnancy is no easy task. It can be filled with apathy, ambivalence, excitement and bittersweet emotion. One thing is certain; it will be worth it! You will have another baby to love and cherish. And while your new child will never replace your deceased child, it is a precious gift to adorn with affection.

Beginnings

A new baby is on the way. Not just any baby It is your brother or sister.

I am so afraid and angry and excited and sad.

Afraid that I will be hurt again. Excited that I will have another child to give my love to. Angry that you are gone. And sad, every moment wishing you were here.

All of these emotions sometimes make me feel crazy. But I know that I am not. I am just a grieving mother, Missing what should have been.

Some of the writing on this page are from the heart of Joanne Cacciatore

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To get a doll, the size and gestation of your baby, to treasure made for you visit God's Little Ones

Over the Rainbow   Pregnance & Infant Loss Support

sheenah@seahat.com