Early Morning Musings

1/1

"Mackenzie"

Companion piece to "Little Touches"

Disclaimers: I don't own 'em, I just take 'em out to play.

Spoilers: "The Stackhouse Filibuster"

Genre: CJ/Toby; Toby's POV

***Tuesday, March 15, 2001, 5:27 AM***

It has been weeks since I have entered anything into my log, or as CJ likes

to put it, my "journal". I suppose in a twisted sort of way, this

collection of ramblings can, in a way, be called a journal, but it won't be

called that by me.

Right now, at this very minute, I can see off to the side CJ sleeping

soundly in my bed. God, she's beautiful. She doesn't know it yet, but I

turned off the alarm. She'll probably yell at me later because from "5-6 in

the morning is my time". She once told me that it was during that one hour

a day, she hoped to meet "an interesting man". Well, she's met him. She met

me. There, CJ, you've accomplished the task you put out at hand, you can

now get back the hour sleep you need.

I feel badly for her, I really do. She had plans to go to Napa for her

father's birthday. He's 70. She'd be surprised that I actually remembered

where it was and how old the buzzard was. I guess I'd better not call him a

buzzard. There is a vague possibility he might be my father-in-law someday.

Oh god. My father-in-law. I love CJ, I have no qualms about that, but the

whole idea of marriage scares me into oblivion. I walked down that road

once, only I wasn't as careful as I should have been. But nevertheless I

walked down that long, winding path of "bliss" with Andrea. And for a

while, I liked it. But things took a sudden, sharp turn when she lost the

baby. I know that it wasn't her fault, miscarriages happen, but still, even

now, a part deep down inside me, and I know that this is going to come back

and bite me in the ass one of these days, blames her. I didn't know how

badly I wanted a child until the doctors told me that she had lost the baby.

We had a fight that night. So, I guess I was partly to blame for that. But

still, she should have tried not to get so upset. Jesus. I'm sitting here

at 5:35 in the morning, five years after the fact, blaming my ex-wife for

losing our child while she was fighting with me. What the hell kind of a

monster am I? CJ would slap me till her hand hurt if she read this. Hell,

all the women would slap me till their hands hurt. Ginger. Bonnie. Donna.

Cathy. Mrs. Bartlet. Carol. Everyone of them. And then, they would slap me

because I made their hands hurt.

I think Sam confiscated my balls. All right, that sounds really bad, but I

know the context I meant and I can always defend myself later. I hope.

CJ just turned in her sleep. We made love earlier in the night and she

likes to sleep nude after that, a trait I can't help but find highly

erotic. I can see the small of her back and I have to tell you that that is

the most favorite part of her body. It is so beautiful, so womanly, so,

well, small. I love her, God knows that I do. And I think, deep down, I'm

ready to take that walk down "bliss" again, but I'm not sure if I deserve

her. In two years we are going to have to decide where we want to go with

this, because in two years, there could be a chance that Bartlet won't get

re-elected. But anyone who would elect him the first time around and then

not the second time, deserves an ass-kicking. He's one of the best

presidents this country has ever had. I even like his yahoo of a vice

president. Although, for the life of me, I can't understand why Hoynes

would spend so much time defending oil and then, at the drop of a hat,

denounce it. Without warning. A part of me thinks it has something to do

with Bartlet's re-election. Come to think of it, I don't think anyone has

ever heard him publicly say he wanted to go for another term. But he loves

this job. I've heard him say that. He said it in Manchester a few weeks

back when he invited me up there and kicked my ass at chess. The First Lady

was in the room, but now that I think about it, she had a panicked look on

her face. Not that like of a woman who would support her husband if he

decided to seek another term. I wonder what is going on there. If he isn't

going to run again, someone should say something. I'm already writing his

victory speech in my spare time. The few minutes I have to myself a week.

Back to CJ. She moans in her sleep. I wish I can jump into her mind and

watch her dreams with her. On the other hand, I probably don't. But even as

I watch her, I fall deeper in love with her. She doesn't show it often, but

she has a beautiful smile. And a lyrical laugh. Her laugh is like music.

When I hear that laugh, I know that everything is going to be OK.

OK, she just laughed softly in her sleep. Everything is going to be OK. I

know it. We are going to be OK. Bartlet is going to be OK. Stackhouse, even

though he's crazy, will be OK. Everything will be OK.

I hope. . .