Introduction:
Oh God...please, not again
(chanting...burning, burning red eyes...hands pulling, tearing)
Make them go away. Please, make.
(forcing him to drink...blood. Stomach cramping, he races for
the bathroom)
please.no more, please
(then running out of the bathroom, from someone, something. Pain,
then > falling.falls onto a table, the tablecloth covered in blood)
Oh, God!.can't move..can't feel my legs
(tires, screeching..stabbing pain, bullets...like so many knives, slashing
holes into him)
can't take anymore....can't take anymore....can't take it
(taking out the gun...he smiles serenely, then puts the barrel into
his mouth...)
please understand. Only stayed around THIS long 'cause of you.
Buddy, I'm so sor--
BRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!
Adrenaline racing...heart pounding (too loud, can't think). Damn! The sheets are soaked, again! from fear...from the dream...the alarm?
Gotta stop shaking. get it together. Can't catch my breath! Damn sleeping pills...what a joke! Wake up in the mornin', and just wanna sleep.
Okay. Okay. Get up already! Can't be late again.
He already thinks something's up.
(turns away when I catch him looking. God, buddy.)
So tired of seeing that worry...that helpless look in his eyes.
So tired of putting it there.
(Maybe he'd be better off....)
Enough already! Deep breaths...that's right. Okay..get ready, get set! NOW! DO IT NOW!
In a spurt of energy, he rolls out of the bed, his naked body crashing to the floor, hard. The pain jars him further awake. Catching his breath, he races for the bathroom. After worshipping the porcelain goddess (throwing up too much beer, not enough food), he closes the lid on the toilet and uses it to push himself up to a standing/swaying position.
And before he can change his mind by passing out, he reaches into the shower, and turns up the cold water as high as possible. He climbs in, and screams when the icy needles first hit him, pounding him awake.
Yeah, sure. Piece 'o cake. Like waking up the dead.
Part 1
All the good leads on their cases had been chased down for this week. And Starsky was counting on making it to the weekend, if his body AND his partner would cooperate. Today was Thursday, one day after "hump day", so just one more day to go. One more day of reviewing the cases they had court dates for next week, and typing up the reports on the cases they had closed.
Yep.Detective David Michael Starsky deserved a nice long soak in a bathtub. Then, he'd take some pills (from the half a dozen bottles he still had left in his medicine cabinet), and he'd wash them down with half a bottle of antacid. Spending the weekend in bed, with no phones, and no alarms. No doctors, and no worried or suspicious glances from his partner.
Hutch would be spending their first weekend off in months with a new girlfriend. Starsky had checked, and knew that Huggy had reserved a fully stocked cabin for "a Blintz and a friend" this weekend. Starsky knew that his friend had needed a break for a long time. A break from worrying about his partner, especially after all the months of looking after him. Since they'd been back together, they'd both been working a lot of overtime.
(God, had the shooting really happened more than a year ago?)
Starsky had been playing "catch up", for all the time he'd lost. And they both had wanted to pay back Captain Dobey for all the breaks he'd given them, (and all the flack it had caused him) while Starsky had been on medical leave. So, Starsky intended to make sure Hutch would have nothing to do, and no one to take care of but himself, for once.
'And time for me to nag the Cap'n again,' he mentally kicked himself, 'about getting Hutch to take the Lieutenant's exam, so he can get off the streets, and.'
"Starsky? Starsky! Earth to Starsky!"
Hutch barely managed not to flinch himself, as he watched his partner almost jump out of his chair. 'Where does he go to lately?' he wondered, as he saw the glazed look start to dissipate from his partner's dark eyes. 'Tired eyes, with dark circles under them' Hutch noted, worriedly. 'Been looking that way for some time, now'.
'Damn, caught me spacing out, again!' Starsky thought angrily, cursing himself. 'Yep, sure enough, those baby blues are drilling holes in me again! Whatcha gonna tell 'im THIS time, huh?' he wondered. 'Too bad, today was such a slow day. Maybe if we'd had some action, Hutch would be too busy to watching the streets to watch me'.
"Sorry, Hutch...uh. What was that?"
Instead of answering, his blonde partner sighed. But Starsky knew that it wasn't a complacent sigh his partner was venting. Nah, that sigh had a big "question mark" written all over it. He could just hear the gears turning over backwards under his all that blond hair.
'Been getting a lot of those sighs lately,' he thought. 'Tired of 'em, too.' So he answered with an exaggerated sigh of his own. And got the smirk, then the snort of laughter he'd been after. Only this time, he knew the distraction hadn't worked when Hutch followed it with one of those "I'm not finished with you, yet" looks, before he went back to typing his report.
So, Starsky went back to his own typing. And it was slow going, since the words were still kinda blurry, even after 10 cups of coffee on an empty stomach. Just the idea of food these days made him sick, and he knew that if his partner began to notice THAT, he would know for sure that something was wrong!
Part 2
By lunch time, Starsky could feel a familiar burning in his stomach, and he knew he had to at least pretend to eat something. He started digging around in his desk drawer for some change, so he could go to the candy machine. These days though, most of the candy got fed to the nearest trash can, when his partner wasn't looking. Then, he would take a half-empty wrapper back to his desk. This trick, he hoped, would continue to keep Hutch from suspecting that his partner was "off his feed".
'Nothing got his partner on the scent more than David Michael Starsky saying he "wasn't hungry",' Starsky thought. Hutch has once quipped to their friend Huggy, that that even "was about as rare as a total eclipse!"
Detective Hutchinson had been observing his partner too closely for comfort, lately. And Starsky knew that he was fast getting too tired to fend him off in the usual manner. He'd already called the hospital and told them not to leave anymore messages at his work number. His friend's instinctive probing wouldn't allow him to be diverted in the usual manner, and he didn't want Hutch talking to any of his doctors.
Starsky's usual trick of playing dumb and saying "don't know what you're talkin' about Hutch. Nothing's the matter." hadn't last long. Telling his stupid jokes hadn't worked, either. And a couple of days ago, he'd even tried leaving his phone off the hook after Hutch had dropped him off from work, but Blondie had just sent a police car over to check on him. He'd barely managed to control his anger, while some nervous rookie stood at his door. The young cop explained that dispatch had asked a nearby car to "check on Detective Starsky, whose partner had been trying to reach him all evening, and was concerned for his safety".
The poor kid had looked more embarrassed than he was, and maybe a little
scared that his dream of someday making
Detective might not come true after all. Starsky knew that if
he hadn't been so angry, he probably would've found the situation funny,
and then he would've raced to the phone to call Hutch, so that they could
both laugh themselves silly.
But the Captain hadn't been laughing the next morning. Dobey had loved chewing them BOTH out for that one, and he didn't believe for a minute that Starsky had "accidentally" left his phone off the hook.
He'd called it a "lame excuse, worthy of a rookie cop, Starsky! You KNOW that you're required to keep that phone in working order at all times, in case of an emergency! And YOU!..." he'd started in on Hutch, "Don't you know better than to waste dispatch's time with this nonsense?! It's not like you don't know where Starsky lives!"
"But Captain..." Hutch pleaded.
"Yeah, yeah" Dobey interrupted. "You two were joking around again, and YOU thought you'd get even by embarrassing him! Just play these games on your OWN time! Now get outta here!"
And any hopes Starsky had had that his partner was giving up the scent were abruptly dashed. Hutch was by no means diverted, he was just changing his tactics. They had both danced this dance before, with a suspect being interrogated, and with each other. The blond had decided to opt for the subtle, rather than the direct approach, but he was no less dangerous.
So while Hutch appeared to casually continue typing his reports, the dance began.
"The staff psychologist stopped me in the hallway, yesterday" Hutch said.
"Yeah?" Good...sounded disinterested enough.
"Yeah," still typing...."Said she wanted me to try and find out from you why you hadn't been showing up..."
"I already told her I was busy!" Starsky interrupted. Then told
himself, 'Calm down! Calm. C'mon, breath...' He cursed
himself for letting his partner bait the hook. And he cursed his
stomach for chosing this moment to really start churning.
Part 3
Hutch looked up, at his partner's reaction. But Starsky avoided making eye contact by pretending to be busy with his reports. 'First, he's dodging the doctors, and now me?' he wondered, 'What's he trying to hide?'
The blonde detective knew that his partner was hurting over something, and trying to keep it to himself. He also knew that Starsky didn't want to burden him, after having to rely on him so much this past year. But Hutch was resolved to finding out what was wrong, so that he could help his best friend. No matter what.
So he continued his probing, with "She just wanted to know why you've been missing your appointments. Wanted me to find out for her 'on the sly', us being such close friends and everything."
Trying to ignore the sarcasm he'd heard in his partner's voice, Starsky replied, defensively "What's she doing buggin' you for, huh?" Frustrated, he gave up the pretense of typing his reports, and tried to distract himself by digging in his desk for another antacid. "So much for confidentiality!" he muttered.
"Yeah...well, I told her, 'you'll have to ask him yourself'," Hutch continued, his tone hardening, " 'since me and my partner don't keep secrets from each other'."
'Good one, partner," Starsky thought, flinching inwardly at the direct hit to his conscience. 'But whatever you do, don't look...DON'T look,' he told himself.
Starsky knew if he looked into those eyes, he'd be lost. He'd see the hurt, the anger...and the caring. God, always it was the caring which undid him the most...and begged him to share his pain.
'Not this time, partner,' he vowed. 'Too much.too much pain, even for you this time. Can't take you down with me.'
But Starsky felt the pull, stronger than a Medusa, and he knew those ice-blue eyes were boring into him. So he made the mistake of looking...and it was all there, waiting. The love, the caring.and the hurt he'd caused by shutting out his best friend.
And as his forehead broke out in a cold sweat, and his stomach rolled, he wondered if he would have enough time to make it to the bathroom.
The shocked look in Hutch's eyes as Starsky made his mad dash to the bathroom almost made him want to laugh. 'Musta never saw me run so fast before', he thought as he crashed into the nearest stall, and slid to his knees. Moments later, he was thinking 'The only thing worse than pukin' up something has gotta be pukin' up nothing!'.
Part 4
Hutch felt guilty, after seeing the look on his friend's face. Starsky had rushed from his desk, overturning his chair in his haste. But his partner hadn't looked angry. 'He looks sick, like someone just punched him in the gut,' he thought, cringing inwardly. 'Damnit, Hutchinson' he had cursed himself, 'Why'd you have to push so hard?'
(Because you're worried about him. You came so close to losing him, didn't you? Too close.and you're afraid you still might.)
Hutch still remembered that first night, when his partner had first come home from the hospital. They'd both decided to turn in early (actually, Hutch had suggested they do so, and Starsky was too tired to argue). So after taking his medications 'like a good boy', Starsky had gone to bed and Hutch had gone to sleep on the couch. Then, (what seemed like only minutes later) Hutch remembered tumbling from the couch, after hearing noises coming from somewhere. Sounded like someone in pain.
When he'd realized where the sound was coming from, he'd run into the bedroom to find his partner thrashing in his bed, as though being pursued by demons. Starsky's dark hair was matted into sweaty ringlets, framed around a face that was a white as the sheets entrapping him. And the screaming.Starsky was screaming his throat so raw, that the next morning he could barely talk above a whisper. Hutch had ended up sleeping with Starsky every night in those first weeks.holding Starsky until they both dropped off from exhaustion.
(Too MANY nightmares, buddy.too many for both of us these last few years.)
Yeah.he knew Starsky had been hiding something from him.trying to protect him from something. Something the doctors told him, maybe? Something serious?
(Nah.they wouldn't have let him come back to work.)
But he looks SICK! Maybe he's not eating right?
(Who're you kidding Hutchinson.Starsky never DID eat right.)
Yeah, but this was different somehow. So Hutch followed Starsky into the bathroom, and had been scared to death, all over again.
************
Starsky's eyes were tightly closed, in a vain attempt to keep the floor from moving. His body was shaking, and his mouth tasted like the bottom of a birdcage. And if that wasn't bad enough...
"God, Starsk!" Hutch's shout was full of both fear, and accusation.
'Didn't even hear the stall door opening,' Starsky thought, groaning. 'Shoulda locked it, dummy' he chastised himself. Once more, his body had betrayed him. 'Damn! Couldn't wait one more day!'
And from a great distance, his head spinning, he saw what must have pissed his partner off.... the water in the toilet bowl was red. 'God, not again' he thought.
So he tried.he really tried to explain, but he was too tired. Starsky closed his eyes again, to try and stop the spinning. Everything hurt, especially his stomach, which was cramping so much that his body was in a fetal position. He tried to focus on the cool tiles, which felt so good against his burning face. But the darkness kept pulling.pulling him down, until it finally took him.
Part 5
Captain Dobey had often worried about what would happen to Hutch if Starsky couldn't make it back on "the job", after those terrible injuries he had suffered. Injuries that Dobey had never seen anyone survive before. And he still wasn't sure that either of his detectives had ever completely recovered from the shooting, emotionally...despite his "suggestion" ("I'll make it an order if I have to!") that they both seek counseling from the police psychiatrist.
Dobey couldn't care less about losing his reputation as having the "best team of detectives in the city". And when it came down to that, the politicians (both inside and outside of the police force) gave him and his team MORE problems because of it anyway. No...he was just worried about his "boys". And concerned about how these two tough cops (who were like sons to him now), would be able to deal with it, if Starsky couldn't be a cop anymore. He had always known how much Starsky enjoyed being a cop; and having found a kindred soul that was like a brother to him, had just made it all that much better!
But, would Hutch really want to continue being a cop without Starsky?
Oh, Dobey knew that the blond detective had originally joined the force because of his OWN set of ideals...about helping others, and about justice. And he'd have bet that like most cops, after a few years at this job, Hutch wouldn't be able to keep doing his job, if he continued believing in those ideals.
Except, he hadn't counted on Starsky.
Dobey remembered feeling like he would have to start keeping a fire extinguisher in his office just to hose the "dynamic duo" down, when he'd first assigned them together as partners. He'd even considered calling the bomb squad, after they'd each gotten a look at the other's cars (and they had complained loudly, until he'd offered them both the use of a patrol car, with a transfer back to a uniform)!
But after awhile, the ice in the light blue eyes of "that moody, brooding blond silver-spoon, with a cause" (as Hutch had been called by a certain curly-headed detective), had finally melted. Even Hutch hadn't been able to withstand the eternal optimism of "that rat terrier sloth"; who had mischievous eyes that lit up like bright sapphires, especially when he succeeded in making his blond straight man laugh at some stupid joke.
Now it looked like things were headed downhill, again.
After Captain Dobey had heard Hutchinson screaming for an ambulance,
he'd rushed into the bathroom to clear away any "spectators" and ordered
a man down to the garage to wait for the paramedics. But it
wasn't until after the ambulance had left that he'd really had a chance
to see the amount of blood Starsky had left behind on the bathroom floor.
So before he had left for the hospital himself, Dobey had already ordered
"volunteers" who had the same blood type as Starsky to report to there
as
donors. Unfortunately, he was getting to know this drill only
too well. He'd spent more time at hospitals with his two favorite detectives
in the past 3 years then he'd ever spent with any of his own previous partners.
And so far, he hadn't had to make a police casualty call to either of their families, but there had been a few times when it had been awfully close, especially for David Michael Starsky.
And this looked to be one of those times.
'But Lord, I sure hope not!' he prayed. 'Because neither one of them are ready for it.'
'Then again...' a still, cold voice inside him replied, 'when is anybody?'
Part 6
GET THIS PATIENT TYPED AND CROSS-MATCHED, STAT! HE'S LOST TOO MUCH BLOOD, ALREADY. WHO'S THE SURGEON ON CALL?
(Voices.loud.hands pulling, tearing. Make them go away. Please, make.)
HOLD HIM DOWN, DAMNIT! GET THAT NG TUBE INSERTED, AND.
(Stop it.please! It hurts! Make it stop.)
FINISH GETTING THOSE CLOTHES CUT OFF HIM. THAT BLOOD WORK BACK YET?!
(.falls onto a table, the tablecloth covered in blood)
HURRY UP! WE DON'T WANT HIM CHOKING ON HIS OWN BLOOD.
(forcing him to drink...blood. Stomach cramping.)
THE BOTTLE'S FILLING NOW, DOCTOR.
Oh, God.can't take anymore...Can't breathe.stabbing pain)
GOD! HE'S CODING! GET THAT CART IN HERE, NOW!
(So tired...please, just let me go)
SERGEANT! GET OUT OF HERE, RIGHT NOW! CAPTAIN DOBEY, YOU'D BETTER.!
(No more pain and worry for you, buddy.you'll be okay. Please, be okay)
OKAY! CLEAR!
(Floating.floating above everything. No more pain. He smiles serenely down at his friends)
AGAIN!
(Huggy and the Cap'n will look after you. I'm freeing you, babe...you can start takin' care of YOURSELF now)
AGAIN!
(Flyin'....flyin'...betcha can't catch me! I'm...Oh, God! It's soooo beautiful, I gotta touch...)
C'MON, DAVID! ONE MORE TIME!
(something was pulling.pulling him back. NO! LEMME GO! PLEASE!)
CLEAR!
(NOOOOOOOO! Damn you, why? Why couldn't you just let.?!)
THANK GOD! HE'S BACK WITH US. BUT STAY ALERT, PEOPLE. WE'VE GOT MORE WORK TO DO.
*****
'Oh God...please, not again' Huggy prayed. He glanced over at his friend, who stood guard at his too familiar post, in front of a hospital ICU window. And all he and Dobey could do now was stand helplessly by, and watch over Starsky's "Blond Blinz".
Dobey had come back about an hour ago (it was past midnight now), from thanking the "boys in blue" who had volunteered for "vampire duty", and had been sitting snugly in chair that was too small for him. But now, Dobey had had enough of his tiny chair. He caught Huggy's gaze, and nodded toward Hutch. That duty tranferred, he left the waiting area in search of another chair.
Hutch's head was bent forward, with his forehead pressed up against the glass window. His blond hair above his forehead had fallen forward, almost hiding his eyes, which were now clinched tightly shut. Huggy knew that his friend was concentrating heavily on nothing less than keeping "Death" at bay, just one more time.
'And if I was to bet on anyone getting one over on Mr. Bones" Huggy chuckled to himself, 'it would definitely be "Kenneth Hutchinson, for the defense". And why not? The White Knight had done it so many times before.too many times to count.' He'd seen to many miracles happen with these two dudes to just blame it on luck. These cats really DID have nine lives...but they seemed to be using 'em up real fast.
'Blondie must really have an angel on his shoulder...or two, or three.' Huggy thought. 'An' it looks like he's gonna need 'em ALL before this night is through'.
Huggy and Captain Dobey had learned a long time ago that their job in these situations was to keep Hutch going, 'cause only Hutch could keep Starsky going. And as far as Huggy was concerned, that was the same thing as keeping Hutch alive. So he continued praying for Hutch, because he knew that there was a first time for everything. And if that time was now, only God knew how to keep Hutch from falling apart if they lost the man lying in a hospital bed, behind that ICU window.
'And God, you'd better fix Starsky real good, this time.' Huggy begged,
' 'cause I don't know how much more of this that "blond guardian angel"
of his can take!'
Part 7
Questions.questions.questions.
'Been here too often, babe.playing these roles for you.' Hutch was thinking, tiredly.
(The role of the 'human rolodex', to call all the relatives. And tell them. absolutely nothing.)
(Or, how about the role of 'the only living medical expert on one David Michael Starsky'?)
'Getting tired of that one too, pal' the blond detective mused.
Answering question, after question. Only this time, he didn't have too many answers. Starsky had done too good a job at fooling even him, for once. Despite all of HIS questions.despite his own suspicions about what his partner could be hiding from him. And now that things had come to a head, "Detective" Hutchinson STILL didn't have any answers. Not for himself. And not to give anyone else.
But that didn't stop the questions from coming, though. Over, and over again.
WHEN DID THE BLEEDING START?
I don't know.
WAS THE VOMIT ENTIRELY BLOOD?
I think so.
WHAT DID THE BLOOD LOOK LIKE? BRIGHT.DARK.BLACK BLOOD?
I'm not sure.RED I guess!
DETECTIVE! WE'RE JUST TRYING TO.
Yeah.yeah.sorry. I.I don't really remember. I mean, it
really DID look red. Bright, I think.
WERE THERE CLOTS?
I don't.I didn't see any, no.
DID IT LOOK LIKE COFFEE GRANULES?
Huh?
THICK OR TARRY?
What?
OKAY, DETECTIVE. WE KNOW YOU'VE GOT TO BE TIRED. LET'S TRY
SOMETHING ELSE. WHEN DID HE LAST EAT.SLEEP.?
I.I don't think he's been eating or sleeping much in the last few weeks.
IS HE ON ANY DRUGS.?
He doesn't--!
MEDICATIONS?
Ummm. Check with the police psychiatrist. I've written down as
many as I could remember, but.
(His partner's medical record was getting to be the size of a phone book.and he's got a pharmacy in that medicine cabinet of his.)
ANY RECENT TRAUMA.SURGERIES?
(Too many, lady.too many)
Ummm. He was.he was shot.
(Understatement, if I ever heard one Hutchinson!)
Several times, with an automatic weapon. It happened about a year ago. He.almost didn't make it.
(Okay.breathe Hutchinson. Getting a little light headed here.)
He must have looked pretty bad, despite his best efforts though. Because next thing he knew, this same militant nurse who had been interrogating him for the past twenty minutes (like some expert at dealing with hostile witnesses), was gently guiding his head toward his knees, and asking him if he was okay.
He wasn't used to anyone taking care of him, when he was in full protect mode. Dobey and Huggy had long ago learned not to even try (at least, not when he was in any shape to catch them at it). Still the lady didn't deserve the usual "Ice prince" routine, with the "stare that could freeze a thousand suspects" (as his partner had referred to Hutch's most lethal weapon). Just the image of Starsky, teasing him again with that old joke made him relax just a bit.
And so, he tried to submit to the kindness he was being offered with as much good grace that his fatigued and frustrated demeanor would allow. He vaguely heard Dobey's voice in the background calling for Huggy to sit with him, while the captain went to pry something from the doctors.
*****
Dobey decided that maybe he would question a few of the detectives in the squad, too. Maybe some of them had noticed a few things wrong with the curly-headed half of his best team. If they could come up with some answers, they could help relieve some of the burden off of Hutch, too. The man couldn't be expected to do everything for his partner for a year, and not miss a few things. Wasn't that one of the reasons.?
A stray thought hit Dobey's brain, along with a deep suspicion that they'd all been had! Yeah.Starsky had come into his office not long ago, insisting on some leave for his blond partner. Pushing the police captain to get Hutchinson to take the Lieutenant's exam.offering to work double shifts, and to train a new partner. Just so Dobey would give Hutch the time to pursue a promotion.
A promotion.AWAY from Starsky?
'Damn! Some detective I am!' he thought, both cursing himself and half admiring the way Starsky had diverted them all, like fools.
But.why? Why would he DO all this? Was he afraid that he wouldn't pass his next review by medical? He HAD to know that Dobey was willing to fight for him, but.
Dobey fought a feeling of dread that came over him. What if Starsky didn't WANT to fight anymore?
'Well then, Dobey could always fight to get Starsky a disability pension.'
(No, that's not it either.)
'Then what, Dobey' he was thinking furiously. 'What?'
He didn't like where his thoughts were taking him, but felt he had no
choice. The police captain in him forced him to go there.
And from the looks of things now, Starsky hadn't just suspected that
he wouldn't pass the medical review. He had KNOWN IT.
'WAS Starsky.preparing Hutch to go on. without him?'
He'd always known that Starsky had courage.and love, so much love for his partner. But this?
Dobey marvelled at the generosity of the man's spirit. To let go of his own career, and give up any chance of pursuing the only thing that he loved doing? Being a cop was everything to Starsky.
(Well, no)
'Being a cop WITH Hutchinson, was everything,' Dobey amended.
Starsky had been trying to ensure that his best friend had a chance to move on, and move up. without him. And with rare insight that Dobey had come to appreciate in him long ago, Starsky had also known that Hutchinson couldn't stay on the streets forever.had only stayed THIS long because of him. And if Starsky couldn't be there WITH Hutch, then he was going to be there for him the only way he knew how.by letting him go.
But what terrified Dobey, was the thought that it seemed Starsky was willing to surrender MORE than just his career. Giving UP more than just being a cop. And if Starsky succeeded at this.he didn't think either ONE of his detectives would survive it.