Detective Kenneth Hutchinson sat by his partner's bedside, expressionless, praying with all that he had left to give, wishing it were him in that bed and not David Michael Starsky.  He held the limp hand, wondering if he should still be allowed the privilege of touching his partner and best friend, knowing that Starsky would not be fighting for his life right now if he'd
only been there.   (If only... God, if only)
---
Starsky sighed deeply as he watched the four boys racing around in excitement.  How the hell did he get mixed up with going on a wilderness hike on a Sunday morning?  Bloody Hutchinson, his partner, that's how.  His partner who was, to the best of his knowledge, still in bed with his latest girlfriend.   Hutchinson, I'm gonna kill ya for this one!  Starsky was working himself up into a rage, as he tried to stop the boys from touching his prized possession, the Torino.  Hutch was "big brother" to Ricky and had somehow allowed himself to be talked into taking Ricky and some of his friends on a wilderness hike, along with Angela Carter, one of the big brother program coordinators.  The only problem was Hutch had a big night and had phoned Starsky, pleading with him to get things started, promising that he'd join them as soon as he dropped Gina at the airport.  She was a
stewardess and due back at work late that morning.  He'd caught Starsky at a weak moment, and before he could wriggle out of it gracefully, he found himself at the park, with four very active ten year old boys, who were totally fascinated with his car.   Hutchinson, you'll pay for this with blood if they hurt my car!   Angela, although a nice person, seemed to have little
control over the boys, seemingly finding amusement in their antics.

"Angel. Don't you think we should calm 'em down?"

"How do you suggest we do that?  They're high spirited boys and want to go for a walk.  They don't mean any harm.  Why don't we get started."

"Nuh, we'll wait for Hutch.  He's the nature boy and I'm only here as a favor to him," his voice trailed off at the sight of Pete climbing on his car.  He walked over and swiftly picked him up to remove him from his car.

"Okay, Angela, let's go."

"Right boys, we're going to start our walk now.  Remember, single file, stick to the track and follow me.  Detective Starsky will be following at the rear."

"What about Ken?  Will he know where we are?" Ricky was very fond of his "big brother" and wasn't that keen on going without him.

"Yes honey, he knows" and she nodded at Starsky "Ken and I have been out here before.   Let's go!"

Starsky shook his head in dismay as they set off.  He had a very bad feeling about this walk and Hutch was going to pay dearly for this.

Once they started walking, the boys calmed down quite a lot, to Starsky's relief.  He was also pleased to move them away from the Torino.   He didn't enjoy hiking at the best of times and a Sunday morning, with four over-active ten year old boys, wasn't the best of times for him.    It didn't take long for the natural boyish naughtiness to take over and Ricky started pushing
Stevie around.   Stevie turned around and started to hit Ricky, who ducked away, out of the reach of Starsky who soon sought to break it up.  The others stopped to watch and to Starsky and Angela's dismay, he ran off the track.   Starsky indicated that he'd follow him, and told the others to stay put.

"Ricky, come back here!   Ricky!" a scream froze his blood.

"Ricky?  Ricky?  Where are you?"   Angela had followed him, keeping a firm eye on the other boys, telling them in no uncertain terms to stick close.  The scream had frightened them and they had no intention of leaving Starsky or Angela.   Starsky walked cautiously forward, wishing Hutch was with them.  He was a lot better at the outdoors thing than he was.  He came to a halt
when he saw where Ricky had fallen.   It was a very sudden drop, and Starsky couldn't see the bottom but he could see that Ricky had been lucky and was balanced precariously on a ledge.  The ledge wasn't that far from the top but if he were to fall off the ledge, the fall would be catastrophic.  Starsky fell to the ground on his stomach and leaned over, stretching his arm down to Ricky, to see if he could reach him.   Ricky was hysterical, and holding on to the crumbly surface and not looking.   He was sobbing, concentrating on holding on and not looking down.

"Ricky, grab my hand" but Ricky couldn't hear him and could only hold the gravelly surface, keeping his eyes tightly shut.

"Angela, there's a rope in the Torino trunk.  Please go get it." He threw her the keys.

"We need help David.  We can't do this, not on our own."

"I know, but we need to secure him somehow.  You can see the state he's in.  Please get me the rope as quickly as you can, and get back here.  Then you take the boys and get help.  HURRY!" he saw Angela hesitate.  She turned around and gathered up the three frightened boys.

"Come on boys, we've got to go."  Starsky watched them run off, and prayed that they'd get back in time. He could see Ricky wouldn't be able to hold it together much longer and the ledge appeared to be very unstable.

"Hey Ricky.  Ken will be here soon.  Whadda ya think he'd do right now?"

"I wish he was here" Ricky sobbed, breaking Starsky's heart.   He wished he was too, for he knew that Hutch would know what to do whereas he was stumbling around.  Before he could say anything else, he turned at the sound of Angela returning.

"That was quick."

"What are you going to do?"

"Throw him a rope and try to secure him and you're gonna go for help"

"But he's so scared David.    Look at him holding on."

"Perhaps I'd better go down then."

"David you can't."

"Don't have a lotta choice." He looked at the rope, wishing it was a bit longer, and wishing he had two ropes.  "I'm gonna tie it to the tree here and climb down to him.   He can't hold on for much longer and I don't think that ledge will hold.  Where are the others?"

"At the car, with strict instructions not to move.  Are you sure about this?"

Starsky ignored the question.  He most definitely wasn't sure about this, but he had no other ideas.  He couldn't let Ricky stay perched on the ledge.

"Can you stay here and help pull him up?  I'll climb down, tie the rope around him, and he'll have to climb up, with you pulling him.   Then throw the rope down to me, and I'll come back up" Angela just watched him as he tied the rope to the tree and started to scramble down, halting as he took his second step.  He hated heights and this wasn't doing much for his peace
of mind.  Hutchinson, you are a dead man!

"Dave, are you okay?" Angela noted his hesitation .

"Yep.  " and with that he took the remaining steps to the ledge that Ricky was perched on.   Ricky moved to grab Starsky, nearly overbalancing him.  Starsky, with difficulty tied the rope around Ricky, tying it so that it was around him, not able to slip off which would ensure he couldn't fall, or if he did, he'd not be able to fall the rest of the way.  Somehow he and Angela
would get him up.

"Okay, Ricky.  Now, you'll have to pull yourself up.  You can't fall, the rope is tied around you securely and  Angela will help pull you up.  It's not far up and  Ken will be very proud of you"  Ricky looked as terrified as Starsky felt but with those words of encouragement, he pulled himself together.  After all, Starsky was right, it wasn't that far to the top.   Angela started pulling on the rope and with difficulty Ricky started his climb.  Starsky watched in concern as he scrambled up, kicking rocks down
towards him.  He had to cover his face as the shower continued but Ricky was on his way to safety.  Starsky accidentally looked down and felt sick.  He really did detest heights and he found himself trying not to panic at the fall below him.  The sound of falling rocks, as the ledge started to protest his weight, wasn't doing anything for his peace of mind.  A glance up showed that Angela was pulling Ricky to safety.  Thank God.   He found himself trying to grip the rocks, to get a good hold, in case the ledge was to give way.  The rope should be on its way back.  He gritted his teeth, trying to hold in his panic.  All his annoyance with Hutch was gone as he held on as firmly as he could.  He wanted Hutch there, but only so that he could help
him.

"Here Dave, here's the rope" but even as she threw the rope down, Starsky heard the ledge crumbling under his weight.   As he reached for  the rope and grabbed it, the ledge fell out from under him and he was left dangling, hanging on to the rope with both hands.  He had no leverage to get a better grip and he was more scared than he'd ever been.   God, HUTCH, he heard his mind screaming and he heard Angela screaming.

"DAVE, hold on!" she was sobbing, knowing she didn't have the strength to pull Starsky up and it didn't look like Starsky had a good grip on the rope.   Starsky could feel the rope slipping and he desperately tried to get a foothold, swinging wildly as he accidentally pushed himself away from the surface, but it was no use.  The surface was crumbly and he didn't have a good enough grip.  As he felt the rope slipping through his hands, his last thought was of Hutch and he fell, bouncing, landing hard, as he fell down the cliff and disappearing from Angela's horrified sight.

"Oh God, oh God!" She was hysterical, as was Ricky who'd seen Starsky fall.  She pulled herself together and grabbed Ricky.  "We've got to get help Ricky.  RUN" and they ran back to the car.
 

CHAPTER 2

Hutch drove slowly back from the airport, feeling very relaxed and happy.  He'd had a wonderful evening with Gina, his new girlfriend.  He allowed himself to feel a momentary pang of guilt when he thought about Starsky but it didn't take hold.  His feeling of well-being and relaxation wouldn't go and he decided he'd stop at his favorite health food shop to grab some lunch.
 He knew that Angela would have everything under control and that Starsky would limit his complaints in front of her.  He also realized he'd pay dearly and have to listen to his litany of complaints later that day, but it would be worth it for the wonderful night he'd just spent.

His feeling of contentment lasted, only getting marginally annoyed as he was overtaken by Emergency Services units.  He wondered where they were heading, and when he realized he was following them, he tried to banish the feeling of unease that he had.  Shit, yes they were heading to the same place.  His foot hit the accelerator as he increased his speed, the slight unease growing rapidly.

He squealed his car to a halt, watching in horror as he saw a group of emergency services people standing around, obviously making plans for a rescue.  He looked around anxiously and saw Angela, standing in a group crying.  His heart fell.  It was Starsky.  Angela saw him and ran up to him, throwing herself into his arms.

"Ken, Ken."

He automatically put his arms around her, feeling sick at heart.

"He fell Ken, saving Ricky."

"How far?  Where is he?" Hutch had trouble getting the words out.

"Ken, they're looking for him now.  It was a bad fall.  The ledge collapsed and he couldn't hold the rope.  Ricky and the boys have been taken home.  The area was thick with trees and brush and it was hard to see where he fell." Angela looked into Ken's white face.  She didn't want to tell him that she didn't see how anyone could survive such a fall but she didn't need to say a word.  Ken gently pulled away from her, wanting to be involved in the search.  He looked around trying to work out who was in charge, when he heard a conversation that filled him with rage.

"Look, this guy fell down the Peak!  It's at least a 40 foot drop!  We're looking for a body here, a dead body!  No way could anyone survive that.  We don't have enough man power to cover all the area.  I think we should..."  He broke off as he felt himself grabbed and thrown against a car, gazing in fear at the enraged man.

"LISTEN YOU LITTLE SCUM.  DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE BUT THAT "GUY" YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS MY PARTNER." Hutch shook his victim, who tried unsuccessfully to pull away but before anyone else could say anything, an even larger man came and pulled them apart.

"We're not doing anyone any good arguing.  The search will proceed as I've instructed, Angus!  I don't know who you are sir, but we will do our best to find your partner.  I'm sorry that you heard that conversation.  It's an ongoing battle that we have about man power and we have a lot of ground to cover to try to find your friend.  It won't affect our efforts to find your
partner believe me." Hutch calmed down as he looked into the kind face.  He knew all about lack of man power but the thought that his partner might be lost forever out here because of it, made him physically sick.  Starsky so hated the outdoors, it didn't seem right that he'd lose his life outside, alone, in an environment that was so alien to him.  He wished he could turn
back the clock several hours.   This was his fault.  Starsky should never have been out here, especially without him.  He felt sick when he realized what his great night of passion might have cost him.

"I'm okay.. thanks." his voice broke off.   "I want to help in the search, he's my best friend and partner."

"We've got experienced men out there, climbing the cliff face.  There's no way of telling where your partner may have landed and we've carefully planned it so that we have groups coming from the ground, and climbing down. There's nothing really you can do except wait.  I know it's hard but we can't afford to have another fall.  That argument that you heard was because I want to bring another group in to approach from the east.   It means we're a bit thin with people from the top, but it's covered.  We'll do everything in our power to find your friend." With a friendly pat on the shoulder, he turned back to speak into his radio, leaving Hutch stunned and sick to his heart.

Hutch recognized that he was out of his depth with the experienced rescuers but he found it hard to stomach, just sitting back and waiting while others looked for his partner.   They were both better at finding each other than anyone.  He looked around wildly, frustrated and frightened.  He knew the place where Starsky had fallen and it was bad news.  It was a 40 or 50 foot
drop into a heavily wooded area.   They'd have to find him by night, or the chances for his survival would be zero.  A badly injured Starsky couldn't survive a night out doors and Hutch knew that his injuries would be bad.  No one could fall like that and come out with a broken ankle.

Angela approached him cautiously; very worried about the extreme tension and anxiety she could feel emanating from him.

"Ken?  They'll find him I'm sure and he'll be fine."  Hutch looked at her anxious face.

"They'll find him Angie but how can he be okay?  You know the fall, for God's sake, you saw him fall.  Did it look like he'd be okay?" Hutch was raising his voice, in fear and anger.

Angela's eyes filled with tears.  She knew how close these two men were.

"He shouldn't even be here Angie.  You know that, and I know that.  He should be at home, eating one of his awful burritos.  This was my responsibility and I let him down.  He hates the wilderness, hates hiking.  He was only here because of me." his voice started to break.   "Because I wanted to sleep in, my partner and best friend could be dead."  His eyes filled with tears at the thought and Angela pulled him into an embrace, fighting her own tears.   He took the comfort for only a few minutes before pulling away.

"Don't try to make me feel better Angie.  I don't deserve it.  I may have killed my best friend, the best friend anyone could ever have."  He turned away and walked towards the rescue team station that had been set up.  Angela watched him sadly, knowing that he wouldn't survive losing Starsky.

Suddenly there seemed to be excitement and the sounds of shouting.   Starsky had been found.
 

CHAPTER 3

Hutch turned around, looking at the excitement.   "What is it?  What's going  on?"

"We've found him sir but he's in a pretty bad way.  It's not going to be easy  to get him out and we're gonna have to take it slow and steady." Hutch's  heart sank at the words "pretty bad way."

It seemed a lifetime for the impatient Hutch, waiting at the top of the  cliff.  Starsky had been found lying against a tree.  It had broken his fall.  If it hadn't he would have ended up in the river and doubtless drowned.   However, landing on a tree             after a fall like the one he took would certainly cause more injuries.  As the gurney was pulled up from the cliff, Hutch  looked at the white figure of his best friend, completely strapped in, with a  neck brace on, and his face covered with bruises and       cuts.  Hutch was pushed  out of the way by the paramedics who needed to try to establish his condition.

Seeing the open wound in Starsky's left side and hearing him wheezing told  the paramedics that their patient most likely had broken ribs and a punctured  lung.

"LETS MOVE!  WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME!  HE'S FADING FAST AND IS GONNA NEED  CHEST TUBES.  WE NEED TO GET HIM OUT OF HERE NOW!"

The medic moistened a sterile dressing with a saline solution and covered the  nasty tear in Starsky's left side.  An IV was started immediately and the  medics made sure he was totally immobilized.

"We're going to have to air lift him out of here.  He won't survive if we  delay any longer.  Can we get the Medivac chopper?"

"Done.  It will be here in a couple of minutes," even as the man spoke, there  was the sound of an approaching helicopter.  "I radioed in when he was found.  I figured that he'd be in a bad way."

Hutch watched the men fighting to save his partner's life in bewilderment.   He was in shock and couldn't quite believe what was happening.  That white,  bleeding man didn't look like Starsky.  This couldn't be happening.    He  shook his head, which was beginning to throb.   He pulled himself together  enough to insist on going with the helicopter.  As Starsky was the only  patient, he was permitted to go with him.

On the helicopter, all Hutch could do was watch his partner's chest to make  sure that he was still breathing.  He almost passed out when Starsky's heart  stopped en route to the trauma center.  The medics quickly grabbed the  defibrillator and shocked Starsky's already bruised and bleeding chest.  Hutch could only watch in horror.

"Okay, we've got him back.  We'd better get there soon as I'm not sure how  long he's gonna stay with us."  Hutch listened to the words, trying not to  break down.

The medics worked furiously, starting IV's and closely monitoring Starsky's  respiratory status.  His breathing was shallow and labored, occasionally  making choking, gurgling type sounds.

"He's not getting any air!  We need to intubate now!   And I need suction  stat, sounds like he might be choking!"

One paramedic kept Starsky's  head as still as possible, knowing that any  movement to his neck could sever his spinal cord, if it was not already cut  by the fall, while another inserted the endotracheal tube into his throat.   They secured the endo tube and began to bag oxygen into their patient.   Starsky was a pale shade of grey, almost cyanotic due to the lack of oxygen  and was going into shock fast.  The bottom of the backboard was elevated in  an attempt to increase his rapidly falling blood pressure.

The medics had no time to attend to the blond man who was begging to know  what was going on, as tears poured down his face.  This was all just too much  for Hutch and he was not handling it well at all.  Hutch began to feel faint  when the endo tube was inserted and blood poured from Starsky's mouth.  It  seemed an eternity, but they arrived at the trauma center within fifteen  minutes. Guilt plagued him and watching his partner's heart stop brought back  horrific memories of another time when Starsky's heart had stopped.  Would he  be fortunate to have his partner beat the odds twice in a lifetime?

A large trauma team was there to meet them on the roof of the hospital as the  MediVac unit landed.  Starsky was whisked into the trauma center and another  nurse assisted Hutch who was trembling, almost too weak to walk on his own.   Another nurse rushed to help her when Hutch went pale and collapsed.

The trauma team was ready for their patient as the medics called ahead to  warm them that they were bringing in a critically injured man in his early  thirty's, who had fallen 40 feet off of a cliff,  with what looked like a  severe spinal injury, a possible head injury, multiple cuts and bruises, a  gash in his left rib area and they assessed that he had broken bones.  Their  biggest concern at this time though was the cardiac arrest and respiratory  failure that occurred on the way to the hospital.

                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"BE CAREFUL NOT TO MOVE HIM, WE'RE LOOKING AT A SEVERE SPINAL CORD INJURY.   WE DON'T WANT TO PARALYSE HIM IF HE'S NOT ALREADY!

GET HIS CLOTHING CUT OFF OF HIM!  DO THE BEST YOU CAN WITHOUT MOVING HIM.

THIS MAN'S IN SHOCK, GET HIS FEET ELEVATED!  I NEED 10MG  OF DEXAMETHASONE   IV STAT AND GET THOSE IV'S WIDE OPEN!

Starsky was losing ground fast, but the trauma team was known to be one of  the best in LA and continued to work furiously on the unconscious man now in  their care.  The alarm on the heart monitor sounded.  A straight line told  them they had to move even more quickly.

"HE'S OUT!  GET THE DEFIBRILLATOR READY AND GIVE ME THE PADDLES NOW!

200 JOULES!

CLEAR!

DAMN IT!  NO RESPONSE!

400 JOULES!

CLEAR!"

Starsky's body arched and twitched with each volt of electricity.  His heart  began to beat once more.

"1 MG SODIUM BICARB NOW!  WE HAVE NO TIME TO LOSE!  GET THE LAB IN HERE  NOW,  I WANT BLOOD GASES ON THIS MAN AND DOUBLE CHECK THE VENTILATOR,  MAKE SURE  HE'S GETTING ENOUGH OXYGEN."
 

CHAPTER 4

Hutch woke, disoriented for a few moments, before it all came flooding back to him what happened.

"STARSKY!!!!!"

"Hutch, take it easy, their working on him now."

"I have to see him Cap'n!  I did this to him!  God if he doesn't make it because of...   Oh God!"

Hutch was sobbing and with much difficulty got himself off the litter and out of the small cubicle to go in search of his partner.  Nothing was going to stop him.  He held onto the side of the litter until a wave of dizziness and nausea passed enough for him to find Starsky.

"Hutch!  C'mon, their not gonna let you in there.  They're doing everything they can for him son.  Please try to relax, you're not doing yourself or Starsky any good by getting yourself this upset."

"I have to see him!  Just leave me the fuck alone, let me go!"

Hutch pulled out of the strong hold that Captain Dobey had on his arms and fled in search of  his best friend, hoping he was still alive.  He thought for a moment that maybe Dobey lied to him to keep him calm.  He couldn't feel his partner's spirit, life or soul the way they usually could with each other.  He had to see for himself that Starsky was still alive.  He found the strength to go in search of the other half of his heart.
 

"OKAY, I THINK WE HAVE HIS HEART STABILIZED.   INSERT AN NG TUBE, WE NEED TO DO A GASTRIC LAVAGE TO SEE IF HE HAS ANY INTERNAL BLEEDING, AND GET A CATHETER INTO HIM.  I WANT THE LAB TO CHECK FOR BLOOD IN HIS URINE.

CALL FOR A BED IN INTENSIVE CARE IN THE CARDIAC UNIT.  THEY'LL NEED TO KEEP A CLOSE EYE ON HIS HEART, AND THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WATCH HIM CLOSELY FOR SIGNS OF INTRACRANIAL PRESSURE, HE TOOK A PRETTY BAD KNOCK TO HIS HEAD..

The doctor read off a long list of orders including x-rays, more lab work, consults with doctors from Neurology, Cardiology and Orthopedics.  A special bed, called a Stryker frame was ordered, due to the spinal cord injury that was detected via x-ray and also Crutchfield tongs would need to be inserted into the sides of  Starsky's head, under local anesthesia to assure total
immobilization of his head and spinal column.
 

Hutch recognized his friend, even with all of the tubes and machinery attached to him, as he was transported to Intensive Care.   He looked up as a weary looking doctor approached him.

"Are you Mr.  Starsky's next of kin?"

Hutch didn't hesitate "Yes, I am.  How is he?  Is he going to be okay?"

"May I ask what your relationship is to him?"

"DOES IT MATTER? I'm Ken Hutchinson. I'm his partner, and best friend!" Hutch's voice broke as he wondered if he had any right to make that claim any more.  It was because of him that Starsky lay broken and fighting for his life.  "I'm his only family here in LA.  His mother is in New York, please."

"I'm afraid Mr. Starsky is in critical condition.  Frankly, I'm amazed he's survived this long.   He took a really bad fall Mr. Hutchinson.  He has multiple cuts and bruises, broken ribs which punctured his lung, broken leg, broken arm, possible head injury and severe spinal cord injury.  He's suffered a cardiac arrest and respiratory failure already and I doubt that we'll be able to bring him back,  should this happen again."

Hutch looked like he was about to pass out, so the doctor gently moved him towards a chair.

"He'll be okay though?  He will live!" Hutch could barely whisper the words.

"I'm sorry Mr. Hutchinson, I really don't know.  His body has suffered a major trauma and even if he does live, you may have to prepare yourself ..."

"What?" Hutch's terrified look was almost more than the weary doctor could take.  How he hated this part of the job.

"The spinal cord injury may mean that Mr. Starsky will be paralyzed from the neck down."

Hutch didn't react, he just stared at the doctor.  "But, this," he couldn't continue.

"If the spinal cord is severed, it will be permanent and there isn't anything we can do to repair the damage."

"Oh God, Oh my God" Hutch felt himself breaking down.  Starsky paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of his life.  BECAUSE OF HIM!  BECAUSE HE'D HAD GREAT SEX AND WANTED TO SPEND THE MORNING WITH A GIRL!  He felt the nausea rise and had to run out of the room, leaving the doctor staring after him.  The doctor hadn't even had a chance to mention the possibility of brain damage caused by the head injury.

Hutch ran out of the hospital, trying to control his breathing.  He was very close to  hyperventilating with panic.  This couldn't be happening.  WHY? Why had he asked Starsky to go on the hike.   He knew how Starsky hated the outdoors but he knew he'd go anyway.  Why?  Because Starsky loved him and would do anything for him, as he would for Starsky.  But he hadn't done
anything for Starsky.  He'd talked him into going on a walk, which had destroyed him, broken his body beyond repair.   Hutch was out in the garden, not even realizing that tears were pouring down his face as he collapsed on the ground, sobbing with despair, not noticing that Dobey had followed him and had his hand gently resting on his shoulder, his own heart breaking at
the abject despair that he felt from Hutch.

"Hutch?"

"Leave me alone Cap'n."

"Hutch, you're in no shape to be alone.  I know you're hurting and I know the odds seem to be against Starsky's survival and"

"I said to leave me the hell alone!"

Hutch was on his knees, sobbing, hating himself for what had happened and nearing a breakdown.

"If...if he survives!  Yeah right Cap'n, if he lives he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life and its all because getting laid was more important to me that being there for Starsky.  Oh God Cap'n,  I can't imagine the terror he must have felt, feeling the rope slipping from his hands, knowing he was going to fall.  He hated heights!  I mean he hates heights."

"Listen son, it was an accident, not your fault.  You couldn't have known that this would happen."

Dobey put his arm around Hutch and helped him to a standing position.  He felt Hutch trembling and trying to catch his breath, and saw his tears.  Dobey knew his blond detective was very close to the edge.  He decided he would call Huggy to stay with Hutch when he was not able to do so.  He feared what would happen to Hutch or what actions he would take should Starsky not live.  He had always known that one would not survive long without the other.  He led Hutch back into the hospital, praying for some good news.  He had a bad feeling but was a man of faith and believed in miracles.  He had to, he had seen too many of them happen for his boys in the past not to believe.
 
 

 CHAPTER 5
 
 Starsky had not regained consciousness since he was rushed to the hospital two days ago.  He now lay in intensive care, a respirator inflating and deflating his lungs, as he was not able to breathe on his own. IV's upon more IV's, monitors and more monitors, chest tubes sown into his left rib area in an attempt to reinflate a collapsed lung. Tubes in just about every orifice,
one draining his bladder, another suctioning the contents of his stomach so he would not be able to vomit and choke.  He was secured onto a special bed for those unfortunate enough to have sustained a severe spinal cord injury and the skeletal tongs, which were inserted into his skull under local anesthesia, would further restrain him should he wake and try to move his
head. When and 'if' he woke, he would have excruciating pain in his head from the necessary but ugly traction.
 
Captain Dobey and Huggy stayed close by in the ICU waiting room, frequently asking questions about Starsky's condition and keeping a close eye on their blond friend, who seemed to be deteriorating by the minute, refusing to leave Starsky's side.
 
Hutch never left his side, from the moment he'd been moved into ICU.  He only stepped out into the hall when the nurses came to work on their patient, suctioning unwanted secretions that were building up in Starsky's lungs, changing soiled sheets and carefully attending to the IV's, monitors, chest tubes and the respirator, among other things.  Starsky's condition was critical and the doctor had told Hutch, Dobey and Huggy that his chances of survival were slim and that even if he would survive he would most likely be paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of his life and might very well have permanent brain damage.
 
Huggy tried to get Hutch to eat but his attempts were futile. Hutch didn't eat, didn't sleep, only drank enough liquids to keep him alive.  His enthusiasm for life was gone, his spirit dying as misery and sorrow consumed him.
 
"Hutch, ya gotta eat to keep your strength up.  Starsky wouldn't want you doing this to yourself."
 
"You don't understand Hug, he wouldn't be here if it weren't for me.  I should have been there for him and I wasn't.  He could died .... he could fucking die or be an invalid for the rest of his life ... and its all my fault.  I was irresponsible ... unreliable ... stupid!  I wouldn't blame him if he hated me Hug.  He has every right."
 
"Hutch, ya gotta stop blaming yourself for this.  It was an accident.  You couldn't have prevented it.  Starsky could die, we both know that, but would he want you to die with him?  Would he want you to stop living?  I think you know the answer to that.  Starsky loves you Hutch, you know he wouldn't blame you even if you had pushed him off that cliff.  He just loves you too damn much and it would hurt him if he saw what you're doing to yourself."
 
"Huggy, I know you're only trying to help, but he's PARALYSED!  Do you know what that means?  You're not the one who's gonna have to tell him that he'll never be a cop again.... never be a man again ... never drive his car or take a walk along the beach.... not even be able to go to the bathroom by himself... will need someone to feed him, wash him ...Do you know what this is gonna do to him!!! God Huggy!  He doesn't deserve this. It should have been me!  Not him ... not Starsky!  Please go Huggy. I don't need a babysitter.  I need to be alone with him.  Please, just get out of here will ya?"
 
Huggy knew when to back off and Hutch was not going budge.  He was dying along with his partner, maybe even faster.  Huggy stood in the doorway of Starsky's room, glancing back at his two friends, one unconscious and one trembling with tears staining his pale face, he watched as Hutch occasionally bowed his head and his shoulders were racked with sobs, grief and despair.
 
Hutch remained in that position of despair, until a noise interrupted him.  Movement, Starsky was moving, no it wasn't movement he was convulsing.  Being in traction meant that he was restricted but there was no question that he
was in trouble.  Hutch just stared and trembled, unable to speak or call for help as he watched his friend's body betray him once more.   Even before he could fully react, he was gently pulled out of the room by one of the nurses as the medical staff commenced their fight for his life again.
 

CHAPTER 6

Hutch stood outside of the room, trying to see what was happening to his partner.  He watched as a nurse tried to steady Starsky's head, as any movement could cause more injury to his already traumatized spinal column and it was crucial that the head traction remained in place.  Nurses and doctors rushed past Hutch as he stood frozen in the hallway.  He heard bits and
pieces of  conversation from the medical staff.

(intracranial pressure)

(blood clot)

(possible hemorrhage)

(get him to the operating room now)

(Craniotomy)

(Hurry, we're losing him)
 

Hutch turned and walked away from the room.  Now that he was faced with it, he didn't want to watch Starsky die.  He'd always figured that they'd be there for each other, even at the end, but this was different.  This was his fault.  Starsky was going to die because of his irresponsibility.   He killed Starsky and he couldn't watch the life leave his best friend.  He kept walking, not seeing anyone, or hearing any noise, trapped in his own guilt ridden world.   He found himself climbing stairs, going in the direction of the roof, but not knowingly.  He just wanted to get away from the dying figure of his friend.   The friend he'd killed.   Sobs rose in him again, but he'd cried so much and had no tears left.  This dry, emptiness was worse than anything and this is what his life would be from now on.  A world without Starsky.   No, he wasn't ready for a world without Starsky but he knew he never would be.  The knowledge that he caused this to happen was more than he could bear.  As he reached the roof of the hospital, he looked up at the stars sprinkling the night sky.  The world would keep turning, life would go on, he knew that.  The best friend a man could ever wish for was dead, but the world would keep turning.  He found himself heading in the direction of the roof ledge, still without conscious thought, just full of pain and anguish.  He let himself think about when he first met Starsky.  Had he known then how much the curly haired man would come to mean to him?  He didn't think so.  They'd been so different, opposite in tastes, in background.  Those differences hadn't made a difference, somehow they complemented each other and an incredible friendship and partnership had been formed.  They fought, sometimes bitterly, it was hard working with someone who meant so much to you, especially in a job that often required that they risk their lives.  Watching someone you love put themselves at risk did cause stress and sometimes it was just their differences that made them fight.  The fights
didn't count, not in the end.   Starsky rarely stayed angry with him.  One of his greatest attributes was his forgiving and loving heart.  Despite being outgoing by nature, and seemingly always cheerful, he didn't give his heart easily, any more than Hutch did himself.  When he did, it was forever and Hutch counted himself as blessed that he'd been loved by such a person.  Not
that Starsky spoke of it often, but it was always there.  How he'd hugged him after Gillian died, even after being punched, how he'd held him in an alley when he was a strung out junkie, how he'd refused to give up when he went missing after his car fell down a ravine and how he'd forced his way into the hospital when he was dying with the plague.  Not many people were fortunate enough to have such a friend.  He was, and now he'd lost him.  Just because he'd wanted to spend some extra time with a new girlfriend.  That was over, for he knew he'd never be able to face her again.  But then wasn't everything over?  How could he go on without Starsky.  Let the fucking world go on, but he didn't want a part of it.  Still without conscious thought, he neared the edge.

"Hutch, Hutch my man, what's going on?" Hutch hadn't heard Huggy approach him and just continued to look down.   One of the nurses had seen Hutch leave and the direction he'd gone and when Huggy arrived, made sure he knew.  She hadn't been there when Starsky had convulsed but she'd seen him being taken to operating room and guessed that he'd taken a turn for the worst.  She'd observed the strong bond between the men and was instinctively worried about the stone faced man who'd walked past her, not seeing anything.

Still looking down, Hutch muttered  "He's dead Hug.  My best friend is dead..." his voice broke at the sound of the words.

"No bro, he's in the operating room.  That's what I heard anyway."

"How can he survive Hug?  He's so badly broken and even if he does survive, what life is it?  He's so active, he's going to hate being stuck in bed.  For God's sake Hug - he's not going to be able to do anything...  I'm being fuckin' selfish, AGAIN, to wish he'd live."  Hutch broke down again, somehow finding fresh tears.   Huggy approached him, and pulled him into an embrace, making sure they both moved from the ledge.   Hutch put up no resistance.

"Hey, Starsk is Starsk!   He's beaten the odds before and he's tough.  He's not gonna give up that easily and..." Huggy found it hard to continue as he thought of the strong and independent Starsky stuck in bed.  He said the only thing he could think of.  "He wouldn't want you to give up.  Now let's go face the doctor."

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