Chapter 8

Hutch went to sit by Starsky's bed and gently took the limp hand, frightened of all the monitors attached to him.  It wasn't the first time he'd seen machines attached to Starsky, but he knew he'd never get used to it.  Please God give me the strength to help him, he found himself praying.  The only times he moved over the next few days was when the medical staff ushered him
out, bathroom breaks and when Huggy forced drinks on him.  He'd eaten very little and was looking worn and haggard.  Huggy knew he couldn't keep this up for much longer.  Something had to give.

On Thursday morning, two weeks after the fall that changed his life, Starsky opened his eyes.  Hutch noticed immediately and leant in to him, trying to force a smile, and noticing the fear in the blue eyes.  Starsky couldn't move, or talk.  Hutch was moved out of the room as the doctors came in to try to assess his condition.  Hutch walked like a zombie.  Dobey and Huggy jumped up to see him.

"He's awake."  Hutch couldn't believe it, or banish the sight of the fear he'd seen in Starsky's eyes.  "Doctors are in there now.  Guess we'll find out soon."

"Mr. Hutchinson?"

"How is he?"  Hutch was almost to scared to believe that Starsky had regained consciousness.

"I wish I could say definitively that he'll be okay but he has a long road ahead of him.  He must be a fighter though, or he'd not be with us.  His vitals have stabilized which is a very good sign, but it's too early to assess the exact amount of damage.  It's still very much a waiting game, although now that he's regained consciousness we will be running some tests on him."

Hutch felt faint.  The nightmare seemed endless and he suddenly had to get out of the hospital.

Hutch pushed his way out of the room and was out of sight before Dobey or Huggy could see where he went.  His best friend's body was damaged, broken, and even now that he had regained consciousness, they still had to wait to see if he'd be able to live a normal life again.

He walked and walked, tears streaming down his face.  He was beyond caring what anyone thought.  All he could think of was Starsky lying helpless and broken in that bed, possibly for the rest of his life.  Eventually he found himself in a dark, smoke filled bar and took a seat in the back where he could be alone.  He needed to kill the pain he was feeling and began to drink, starting with beer, but when that failed to numb his pain, moving onto whisky.  It didn't help and hours later he was back out on the streets, still loathing himself and feeling more than a little disoriented and nauseous.  Darkness had fallen as he continued to walk, occasionally throwing up from the large amount of alcohol he had consumed in an attempt to stop the hurt and guilt he was feeling.  It stopped neither, and made him feel considerably worse.

Hutch once again found himself on the sidewalk, staring at the hospital that held his best friend.   His head was pounding from the alcohol and his stomach was sore from vomiting.  He was sober now and knew that he had been throwing up not just because of the alcohol, but because he was sick with guilt and despair at the thought of his actions, actions that cost Starsky
his freedom and independence.  Hutch was looking ragged and wearing down.  Dark circles encased his already blood shot eyes.  He was losing weight and had not combed his hair or showered in days.  What was the use?  He had no regard for his own life anymore, it was only Starsky that could bring him back now, and Starsky was not there or able to help him, not now, maybe not ever again.  He knew he must have been looking pretty awful when a passerby stuck a five dollar bill in his hand.  (Is this what I have become now?  A bum?  I'm worse than a bum, I don't even deserve that kind of life.)

Hutch looked up at the hospital and knew he needed to try and be there for Starsky.  He went home, took a shower, changed clothing and headed back to the hospital.  The least he could do was to be there and apologize like a man.  He didn't expect or want forgiveness, but he had to try to make his best friend know how sorry he was.  If Starsky wanted him to leave, then he
would leave.  He wouldn't blame his partner if he never wanted to see him again.  (I'm sure Huggy will visit you, and Dobey...maybe your ma will come to see you...you don't need me Starsk, I've only hurt you.  I've hurt you in the worst way possible.  I don't know what's best any more.  God, please forgive me for thinking like this, but I can't stand the thought of Starsky suffering, he just doesn't deserve it!  He had so much to give, so much he wanted to do, he was so full of life.  God, if I could take his place I'd do it in a minute.  Could you take me too God?  I can't stand living with the guilt.  I know I'm being selfish for wanting to take the easy way out, but I just can't handle it...please.)
 

Chapter 9

Starsky lay in the odd looking bed, terrified at not being able to move and suffering excruciating pains in his head.  He tried to ask for something for the pain, but was not able to form the words.  Tears rolled down his cheeks into his ears, and was even more terrorized when he could not reach up to wipe them away.  He heard beeping monitors and the sound of a respirator.  He knew he was not breathing on his own.  But why?  What had happened to him?  Was he caught in a really bad nightmare?  He struggled to speak.  He only needed to get one word out...HUTCH.  But his attempts were futile.

"David, try to relax."  A kind nurse wiped at the falling tears.  "I know you're scared, you're in the hospital, as you had a bad fall.  You can't talk because of the tube in your throat that is helping you to breathe until you can breathe again on your own.  I know it's uncomfortable, but hopefully we can get it out soon.  Are you having a lot of pain David?  Blink your eyes once for 'YES' and twice for 'NO' okay?"

Starsky blinked his eyes once, indicating he was in pain.  He wanted to know why but could only communicate yes or no.

"I'll check with the doctor and see if we can give you anything for the pain.  Is there anything else you need David?"  She could see the fear and anguish in his eyes.

Starsky blinked once, indicating that there most definitely was something else he wanted.  He wanted Hutch and some answers.  Neither of which he could have right now.  He wondered where his partner was.  They never let each other alone when one was in the hospital, in pain, hurting.

"I wish I knew what it was that you needed David.  I'm sorry.  That tube will be out of your throat soon."

"I know what he needs."  A soft voice came from behind.

The nurse turned to see the tall blond man and saw the same anguish in his eyes that she saw in David's.

"You must be detective Hutchinson, I've been told you are David's best friend and partner."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"I'll leave the two of you alone then.  The doctor should be here soon to examine David.  You can talk to the doctor then, I'm sure he'll want to ask you some questions."

The nurse left the room, leaving Hutch faced with the supine figure in the bed, the man who he was supposed to have protected.  He stepped over to the bed where Starsky could see him, and laid a hand on his forehead, careful not to disturb the traction or the bandages.  He wiped away at more tears that began to fall when Starsky found what he needed.

"Starsk...Oh God Starsk."  Hutch bowed his head, tears now streaming from his own eyes.  "I'm so sorry Starsk, can you ever forgive me?"

Starsky tried once more to reach for Hutch's hand and wanted to wipe his tears away.  He wanted to ask what he was so sorry for and why he was crying.  He blinked his eyes twice for 'no', realizing that Hutch didn't know what that would mean just yet.  He hated seeing his partner is so much pain.  All he had to say was trapped inside of his mind.  He had no way to ommunicate
all he had to say to his best friend.

(Oh Hutch, don't cry.  I hate it when you cry and are hurting.  I want to wrap my arms around you and tell you everything will be okay, but I can't.  I can't move...and I wish they would tell me why.  I'm scared Hutch and my head hurts more than I can ever remember.  What happened to me?  And where have you been?  I need you so much Hutch...please don't leave again.  I can't take this without you being here.  Please just don't leave me.  Please make this okay for us both.)
 

Chapter 10

Hutch turned as the doctor entered the room and introduced himself.

"You must be Detective Hutchinson?  I'm doctor Larson, I operated on David.  He's a lucky man to be alive."

"I know who you are.  He's awake now.  Can you tell us what's going on?"

Hutch backed away from Starsky as though he were a china doll that might break, trying to hide his tears from the doctor.

"Well, let me say hello to David, then we can talk."

Starsky longed desperately for Hutch to be at his side.  He couldn't understand why he backed away from him, out of his view.  He tried again to talk, but the tube in his throat prevented him once more.

"Hi David, I'm doctor Larson.  Try not to talk now.  I think we can soon remove that tube from your throat.  I'm going to have the nurses start to wean you off of the respirator and if you can breathe on your own, we can get rid of that nasty thing.  That would feel a whole lot better wouldn't it?"  The doctor smiled at his patient, checking the bandages and making sure his
art work was showing signs of healing.  "The nurses told me that you know to blink once for 'yes' and twice for 'no', right?"

Starsky blinked once.

"Are you having a lot of pain?"

Starsky blinked once.

"David, can you move your arms or legs for me?"

Starsky concentrated very hard, praying that this time maybe he would be able to move something.  He was unsuccessful once more.  Tears welled in his eyes and slid down his face.

"It's okay David.  You've been through a lot.  You had a nasty fall.  Do you remember what happened to you?"

Starsky blinked twice for 'no', as more tears fell.

Detective Hutchinson?  I'd like to talk to both of you.  Would you mind coming over here to David's bedside where he can see you?"

Hutch slowly made his way back to Starsky's bedside, not touching the man lying in the bed, his partner and best friend.  He showed no emotion.  His eyes were vague and distant.

"Please call me Ken.  What can you tell us doctor Larson?"

"I'm going to be  direct with you both.  David sustained some very serious injuries.  David, I know you're scared, but we're going to do everything possible to help you.  You took a nasty fall off of a cliff.  You fell approximately 40 feet.  I'm told you're a Hero...that you saved a 10 year old little boy who almost fell off of that same cliff.  You fell saving him David.  That took a lot of courage, you should be proud, and your partner here should be very proud of you too."

"Listen doc, will you tell us exactly what is wrong with my partner?  What is the prognosis?"

Hutch was becoming agitated and felt the need to get away from Starsky.  His guilt and shame were festering.  His heart was racing and he began to perspire.  He just wanted some answers.  Maybe it would not be so bad after all.

"All right Ken.  The first thing I need you both to do for me is to NOT give up hope and keep a positive attitude.  David suffered a severe spinal cord injury.  There is too much swelling around the spinal cord right now to be able to tell just how serious the injury is.  If the spinal cord was severed, David could be paralyzed.  There is a chance that it was not severed, but I
am not going to get your hopes up.  That chance is small.  He also has several broken bones, including five broken ribs, a broken left leg and a broken right ankle.  One of his ribs punctured his lung, causing it to collapse.  The chest tubes are helping to re-inflate his lung and make his breathing easier.  He has been too weak to breath on his own, so we have the respirator to assist him.  He also took a nasty hit to his head.  A blood clot developed in David's brain and that is where I came in.  We needed to perform an emergency craniotomy to relieve the pressure on his brain and to remove the blood clot.  The surgery was successful.  Those things in your head David are a kind of traction to maintain the alignment of the cervical spine and to reduce any fractures or dislocations in the spinal column.  When we are sure of exactly what we are dealing with here, we will remove that traction.  This bed...the funny looking thing you are lying in, is called a Stryker frame.  This is a special kind of bed we use when someone has a spinal cord injury.  We can turn you onto your stomach and then onto your back without allowing any movement to the spine.  This way you won't get pressure sores from lying in one position for too long.  The catheter will
need to stay in place since at this time you have no feeling or control over your bladder.  I want you both to know that there is a chance that the spinal cord might not be severed.  We will just have to wait for the swelling to go down to know for sure.  If the spinal cord should be severed, there are many programs that can help you to live as normal a life as possible. We have..."

Hutch had reached his breaking point.  This was all too much for him to handle.  He was now holding onto the siderails of the bed to steady himself as he felt faint and nauseous.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY DOCTOR!  IS HE GOING TO WALK AGAIN OR NOT?  IS HE EVER GOING TO BE NORMAL AGAIN?"

"Ken, I know this is a lot to handle.  We are just going to have to wait and see."

Starsky had gone white, tears streaming down his face.  He was so powerless.  He couldn't ask any questions.  He couldn't  move to reach for the hand that he desperately needed.  The hand that obviously would not reach for his.

(Hutch...please...I need you...why are you backing away from me?  I need you so bad.  I'm so scared Hutch.  I don't want to live if I am going to be like this for the rest of my life. I need you ...why won't you help me...just talk to me...please...take my hand...even if I  can't feel it, I'll know you're there...please don't hate me for this...I'm sorry...please love me Hutch...don't go away...)

Seeing that Starsky was obviously extremely upset, the doctor ordered medication for the pain and for his anxiety.  He knew that news like this was always devastating.  His heart went out to the man lying helpless in the bed, and had second thoughts about the standing man who was supposed to be his best friend.
 

chapter 11

Hutch let go of the siderails and ran into the hall, bracing himself up against the wall.  Dr. Larson followed him, having one more thing to tell him that he did not want to say in front of Starsky.

"Mr. Hutchinson, I know that all I have told you and David is very upsetting.  There is one more thing I want to discuss with you that I don't want to say in front of David.  There is a possibility that David may have permanent brain damage.  He hit his head very hard in the fall and the blood clot forming may have only added to his problems.  I'm sorry, but I'm told you are
his best friend and that you are very close to each other.  I thought you should know.  We'll do everything we can to help him."

Hutch didn't say a word, he just looked up at the doctor with tears in his eyes and ran for the stairs.  He had to get away, away from the intensive care unit, away from all of the machines and beeping sounds, away from his partner.  It was a nightmare.  Could it get any worse?

Hutch thought of Starsky lying in bed, as he probably would be doing for the rest of his life.  The next day he found himself back in Starsky's room.  He was surprised to see that the respirator had been removed and Starsky was breathing on his own.  Starsky's eyes were closed and he didn't want to wake him.  He just stood aside of the bed looking down on what used to be his active, jovial partner.  A feeling of panic tore through him as his partner's eyes opened and looked straight into his.

"Hey Starsk...got rid of that nasty tube huh?"

"Hu...Huu...tch....  Hur...hurs...mm head...hur..ts."

Tears were beginning to roll down Starsky's cheeks and his voice was but a whisper, his throat being very sore from the tube that had sustained his life until he could breathe on his own again.

"I know, I know it hurts buddy, I'm sure the doctor ordered something for the pain, I'll ask the nurses for you okay?"

"Huuu...tch...mo...move...can't...mo...ove."

"I'm gonna go and ask the nurses if you can have something for pain Starsk.  I'll be right back."

Hutch could not answer or give any consolation to Starsky's comment on not being able to move.  He could not tell Starsky why he couldn't move and that he may never be able to move again.  He did his best to avoid any conversation surrounding Starsky's spinal injury and probable paralysis that he would have to live with for the rest of his life...that they would both
have to live with.

Hutch ran into Dr. Larson at the nurses station.  He had so many questions for him...questions that he was sure he did not want to know the answers to.

"Dr. Larson?  I'm David Starsky's friend...I'd like to ask you some questions."

"I remember...I know all of this is very difficult to handle.  What can I do for you Ken?"

"Well, he's awake now and trying to talk, but his speech is not clear.  I mean he doesn't seem confused, but his speech is slow and kind of slurred.  Is this going to get better?"

"It's really too soon to be able to predict if his speech will return to normal.  We will get a speech therapist to work with him, but it's going to be a while before we start to work on that.  For now we need to make sure we can keep him stable and we are focusing on the injuries in David's back and head."

"Thanks doctor."

Dr. Larson could see that this man's world was crashing in on him and knew things were not going to get better for a long time, if at all.

"Ken?  Ken are you all right?  You're looking pretty pale and exhausted."

"No, I'll never be all right again.  Not unless my partner makes a total recovery.  This was all my fault doctor.  I was supposed to be on that hike with him and I failed him.  He wouldn't have gone near that cliff if I had been there.  I wouldn't have let him.  Now he's paralyzed, broken, in pain and to top it all off, now he can't speak right.  He's lost everything doc.  He's lost everything..."

Hutch was soon back at Starsky's bedside, looking into the eyes that had rescued him so many times before.  If only he could rescue his partner now...make this nightmare go away.

"Hey buddy, the nurse will be bringing something to you soon for the pain."

"Huuu...Hutc...tch..."

"It's okay Starsk, you don't have to talk now.  Just relax okay?"

"Nnnn....nnooooooo..."  Starsky was desperately needing Hutch to tell him that he was not angry with him and that he still cared about him.  Htuch's recent behavior left Starsky feeling alone and isolated.

"I'll be right back Starsk...I...gotta go to the bathroom."

Starsky was trying to talk to him but couldn't.  Hutch could see by the expression in his eyes, that Starsky was growing frustrated, scared and desperate.

"Starsk, take it easy babe.  I'll be back in a sec."  He couldn't leave the room fast enough, his own heart pounding in fear.  He needed some space and some air and was feeling sick.

What Dr. Larson had to say, did little to alleviate his fear.

(I'm sorry Ken, but as I said to you, David sustained very serious injuries.  Aside from the spinal cord trauma, there was the head injury that resulted in him requiring surgery to relieve the pressure.  I did mention the possibility of brain damage...)

(Brain damage?)  Hutch thought back to what Dr. Larson had told him earlier.  Hutch stood just outside of Starsky's room and found the strength to go back in when he heard his partner feebly trying to call for him.

"Hhhhuu.."

"No, it's okay buddy.  You're having trouble talking at the moment and it's normal."  Hutch made himself tell the lie.  "But you'll get better if you work at it."

Starsky looked at Hutch.  (You never could  lie to me blintz)  Starsky closed his eyes.  How much worse could things get.  He opened them and saw Hutch looking out of the window, looking like an old, tired man.  He'd lost a lot of weight and wasn't looking well.  He was filled with fear when he saw what was happening to his once fit partner.

"Nnnnn"  he stopped to try again.  "Hhhh..."

"What is it Starsk?  What are you trying to say?"

"Nnnnn....leave....leave....leave...."  Starsky wanted to tell Hutch how much he needed him and wanted to beg him to not leave him.  He couldn't form the words "don't" or "no"...all that came out was "leave."

Hutch felt even more faint than he did when he entered the room.  He couldn't believe Starsky wanted him to leave, but it was plain he did.  Why should he expect his best friend to want to continue being his friend after all of the pain he caused him.  Hutch tried to tell Starsky how sorry he was but the words would not come.  It was as if his own voice were taken away.  His best friend no longer wanted him around.  Life as they both knew it ended at that moment.  Their eyes locked momentarily, both streaming with tears, before Hutch turned and quickly exited the room.

Hutch ran out of the hospital, gasping for breath, feeling his heart break again.  Leave, Starsky had told him to leave.  He paused for a moment and looked back at the hospital, where his best friend lay, broken beyond repair because of him.  He couldn't blame Starsky for blaming him, for it was his fault.  Starsky shouldn't even have been on that hike, or if he had, he
should have been with him.  He walked toward his car.  It was over now, it was really over.  He had no more tears left as he made his way wearily to his car, to go home.  Home to what?  There was nothing waiting for him except the emptiness that his life had become.  There would be no more phone calls, or unexpected visits from his best friend.  No more nights of stale pizza, too much beer and Monopoly games...He was on his own now.  Damn!  How could this have happened to Starsky?  He didn't deserve this.  It should be him lying broken in the bed.  He needed a drink but couldn't face anyone, so he stocked up on some beer and made his way home.
 

chapter 12

Huggy visited Starsky and was appalled to see the blank look in his eyes, looking as if he'd lost his last friend in the world.  Since the accident, the one thing that had been constant, the one thing that told him David Michael Starsky was still there, was the life and brightness in his eyes.  Eyes that were filled with tears at times, pain at other times, but nevertheless still shining with the spirit that was Starsky.  Today was different, it was like a light had been extinguished.  Starsky had been regaining his power of speech, admittedly slowly, but it was coming back.  Today he made no attempt to try.

"Hey Starsk.  How you doin?  Where's blondie?"

A glimmer of tears appeared in Starsky's eyes, and Huggy was starting to get a bad feeling.  Hutch had been constantly by Starsky's side, with the exceptions of when he'd run off in despair, needing some space to try to come to terms with the tragedy.  He'd always returned.  Huggy preferred not to remember the scene on the roof, hoping that it had been an berration.
Admittedly Hutch hadn't  been himself but this was hardly surprising.  Rightly or wrongly he blamed himself for what had happened to Starsky.  Huggy knew that Starsky wouldn't blame him but Hutch had an unfortunate tendency to go on guilt trips over the smallest things and this was gigantic.  Starsky was trapped in his bed, and had speech difficulties, although doctors were quite confident that his speech pattern would return to normal, given time.  No other brain damage was evident.  Starsky was alert and could clearly understand what was being said to him, and Huggy knew that he'd be only too aware of Hutch's absence.

"Starsky, talk to me.  Where's Hutch?"

Starsky closed his eyes, not wanting Huggy to see the truth.  That Hutch had walked out on him.  The tears ran down his face.  Huggy leaned over to wipe them away.

"Starsky, please talk to me."

Starsky was silent.  He no longer wanted to talk.  He knew that Hutch had gone.

Huggy drove around to Hutch's, fearing what he'd find there.  Starsky had refused to talk to him and had closed his eyes.  That told Huggy all he needed to know and now it was time to get Hutch back on track.

He knocked on the door.  "Hutch my man, are you in there?"

"Go 'way..."  the slurred voice gave Huggy a good indication of the state that Hutch was in.  The door wasn't locked and Huggy went in.  Hutch was sprawled on his sofa, surrounded by beer cans.

"Told ya to go 'way..."  he was having trouble talking.

Huggy sighed.  This wasn't going to be easy.

"Just came from the hospital.  Starsky needs you man.  What ya doin' here, gettin' drunk?"

"Starsky doesn't need me Huggy.  He told me to leave, so I did."

"Starsky DOES need you Hutch.  More than he ever has.  He's not a quitter but he does need you to help him.  Don't you get it yet Hutchinson?"  It was the first time that Huggy had called Hutch by his full name.  "The man loves ya, he's your bro.  He don't blame you for this and never will.  It's time you realized this and stopped feeling sorry for yourself.  It's Starsky that was
hurt!"

Hutch reacted to that and despite his drunken state, responded strongly.  "DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT?  For God's sake Huggy, he's my best friend and my partner, but I DID THIS!  It's my fault he's a vegetable!"

"A vegetable?  Hutch have you seen him?  Do you look at him and see a VEGETABLE?  Man, we're looking at two different things.  I see Starsky, our Starsky, admittedly damaged, but Hutch he's still there.  Look in his eyes and you'd see for yourself!  The doctors think his speech will return, and he'll only get stronger, but he'll drown without you Hutch.  No one else can
reach him like you can.  He stopped trying to talk tonight, you know that?  That's why I knew somethin' was up.  You've got to stop blamin' yourself and get back to where you belong - by his side!"  Even as he spoke he saw he wasn't getting anywhere.  Hutch was still too buried in his hurt and guilt to see the truth.  At that moment, he was too drunk.

"Huggy, he told me to leave!  So I did!"

"No Hutch.  I dunno what he said, but he would never tell you to go.  You're using it as an excuse to walk out on him when he needs you more than he's ever needed you..."

"GET OUT!!!"  Hutch started sobbing.  "You don't understand!  LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Huggy walked out.  There was no getting through to Hutch at this point.

Hutch was left sobbing into his drink.  Huggy didn't get in.  He hadn't heard Starsky tell him to go.  Starsky loved him too much to blame him for this and he loved Starsky too much to want to hurt him more.  Hutch felt it would be much better for Starsky if he just left him now.  What good was he too him?  He was the one who was responsible for the accident that had effectively
destroyed him.

---

Minutes seemed like hours for the man who could only lie in bed and do nothing...nothing but think.  He thought about Hutch constantly and wondered why his best friend, his lifeline had walked out on him.  He never knew someone could cry so much, he seemed to be crying more than not and even though the excruciating traction had been removed, his head hurt him terribly.   The only thing that broke the monotony of his thoughts was when the nurses came to take care of him.  Even though they tried to cheer him up, he only sank deeper into his depression.  He felt so humiliated having the pretty nurses look at him, clean him up, wash him and take care of the catheter so he would not get an infection.  He was hitting rock bottom and no longer tried to speak.  The doctors were very concerned about Starsky's deteriorating emotional condition.  Starsky would not talk to anyone, not even Huggy, and he was refusing to eat.  He closed his eyes and turned his head away from anyone who entered the room.  It was the only small bit of control he had left.  He could shut the world out by not looking at it.  He tried anyway.  One day after Huggy came to visit Starsky, who refused to talk to him, he left the room with tears in his eyes.  He ran into Starsky's
doctor on his way out.

"Doctor Larson?  Can you tell me how Starsky...I mean David is doing?  I'm Huggy, a friend of Starsky's.  I've been coming in here every day for three weeks now and he seems worse everytime I see him.  He won't talk to me, the nurses say he won't talk to anyone.  He's a good man doc.  He's got a heart of gold.  You should have seen him before all of this happened.  He was so full of life.  He loved it...embraced it.  God, he doesn't deserve this, he never hurt anybody.  Him and Hutch...well, they're two of the best people I know.  I feel so damn helpless!  I feel like I'm watchin my two best  friends dying.  I am watching my two best friends dying!!!  What's gonna happen to him doc?"  Huggy was beside himself with despair.

"Mr. Huggy, I've been very concerned myself about David's condition.  Physically, he's at a stand still.  His spinal cord was not severed, but he does have a lot of trauma to the spinal cord.  We're still not certain if he will ever regain the use of his arms and legs.  He has no feeling from the neck down.  Emotionally, David is deteriorating rapidly and he's simply not trying anymore.  I know what happened to him is devastating, but I just feel that there is something more going on here.  He's shutting down, it almost seems as though he wants to die.  Doesn't he have anything to live for?"

"He has...well, he had a best friend...no, they were more than just friends, they were brothers.  I never saw two friends closer in my life.  One would lay down their life for the other.  I witnessed it on several occasions.  It's something special doc...you should have seen them together.  They laughed, joked around, played stupid practical jokes on each other, cried together...they were always there for each other...until now."  Huggy's attempt at hiding his own tears was futile.  He was losing his two best
friends and couldn't seem to help either one of them.  Huggy didn't blame Hutch for he knew that it was Hutch's guilt and pain that was keeping him away.  There was only one person who could reach him, and he wasn't able to.

"I wondered about the blond, David calls him Hutch?"

"Yeah...nickname."

"Well, it seems to me that David started giving up after his friend, Hutch, stopped coming to see him.  I'm only David's doctor, but I think that might have something to do with his depression.  He has no enthusiasm for life.  I'm very concerned about your friend Mr. Huggy.  I'm not sure how long he'll decide to hold on.  I've seen it before.  David is withering away and closing out the rest of the world.  I don't know how to reach him, we've tried everything."

"I do doc.  I know what he needs, but I can't make it happen...only one man can help him now, and that man is going downhill fast too.   He feels responsible.  His heart is dying along with Starsky's.  I wish I could help him.  No, at this point Starsky doesn't have anything to live for...he doesn't think so anyway."

"One more thing Mr. Huggy, David is going to be moved to the Country Meadow's Nursing home on Friday.  We've done all we can do for him here at the hospital and he needs 24 hour a day complete nursing care.  There were no other options for David.  The social worker tried to find better placement for him, but he's just  not a good candidate.  I know this will be a very
difficult adjustment for him but he'll get good care there.  We're going to insert a feeding tube into David's stomach surgically before he leaves the hospital.  He needs nourishment and he continues to refuse to eat.  Again, I'm sorry, for David, for you and for his friend.  I'll pray for you all."

Huggy was devastated at this dismal news, but not altogether surprised.  He'd been witnessing Starsky's deterioration and couldn't reach him.  Only one person in the world could and he was in terrible shape too, destroying himself out of a mistaken sense of guilt.  Huggy sighed, not knowing what to do.  It seemed pointless to visit Hutch again.  He wouldn't even open the
door to him.

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