CHAPTER 13

Hutch wasn't seeing anyone, keeping himself  locked away since the day he'd handed in his badge and gun.  Dobey had tried everything to get through to him, from shouting and getting angry, to cajoling and even some emotional blackmail and telling him that Starsky wouldn't want him to do this.  That had just resulted in a blank stare from Hutch.   He simply didn't care and he'd
walked out of the precinct, and driven straight over to Starsky's home, where he immersed himself and refused to come out.  He needed to be close to Starsky and this was the next best thing.  He could live in Starsky's home and look after it for him.  It was the only thing he could do for him now.  The apartment was so Starsky.  Everything reminded him of his once vital
partner and it was killing him, but he felt he deserved it.  The photos of the two of them, smaller photos of his parents taken shortly before his father had been killed, photos of Terri and more photos of him.  How Starsky had loved him.  Hutch was devastated by the know He refused to open the door to Huggy and Dobey, even appeals for Starsky fell on deaf ears.
It wasn't that he didn't want to help Starsky, he couldn't.  The words that Starsky had struggled to say haunted him by day and by night and he didn't once blame Starsky for sending him away.  He didn't deserve such a friend.  As the weeks passed, he lost weight and became very unhealthy looking, drinking far too much and eating next to nothing, lost in his world of guilt and pain.  The alcohol and lack of food was causing him to become malnourished, more depressed and despondent.

--

Starsky was lost too, lost from the moment Hutch had left.   He was still so scared and losing Hutch was the last straw.  His life now held  no meaning for him.  He was being fed by a tube and could do nothing for himself.  He made no attempt to  communicate and lay in his bed, praying for an escape.  He knew what Hutch would be doing and it was killing him that he
couldn't help him.   Hutch was as paralyzed as he was.

(Hutch, I know what you're doing.  I wish I could tell you I don't blame you and that I love you and need you but I can't.  Why am I still alive?  As long as I'm alive, Hutch is trapped).

Friday came and the ambulance crew came to take Starsky to his new home at Country Meadows. Starsky had been informed that he was being moved to the nursing home, but showed no acknowledgement or emotion.  His life was over, he no longer cared what they did with him or to him.  He couldn't feel anything…anything except the huge ache in his heart as he realised his
hopes and dreams would never have a chance to come true.  He would never have a son to read to, play baseball with…he would never have a daughter to be proud of and would never have a woman to love him.  How could anyone love him?  He felt he had nothing to offer to anyone.  He just wished it could all end.  He was now a burden, a statistic, forgotten.   Without Hutch beside him, life was just not worth living anymore.  Starsky didn't shed a tear as he was moved into the ambulance for his final earthly destination.  He now wondered why he tried so hard after Gunther's attack…it would have been better for everyone if he would have died then.  At last  the nurses and orderlies lifted Starsky into his new bed at the Country Meadows nursing home.  He was scared.  He'd never been inside a nursing home before, not even to visit someone.  He had heard of  these places and of patient abuse and neglect.  Now he was part of it all.  He only saw elderly people when they brought him in and heard a lot of commotion.  He knew that most of the residents of the home were probably confused, and they too were there because no one else wanted them either.  He hoped that he would just be left alone.  If he was abused, he felt he deserved it.  He had ruined his best friends life….yes, anything that happened to him now he felt was well deserved.  How could he have caused so much pain to the one person that he truly loved and needed? He knew that it had been his words that had driven Hutch away, that and Hutch's own sense of guilt.  He couldn't even put it right for his best friend.  He knew that he'd caused pain to person he loved more than anything. He found some tranquillity
 

CHAPTER 14

Huggy finally managed to persuade Hutch to let him in and was appalled at his condition.  He bore no resemblance to the strong, good looking man that he was, he looked worn and defeated. He'd only let Huggy in when he announced that he wouldn't leave until he did, and would keep knocking on his door, all night if he had to.   Huggy knew that Hutch needed to know about Starsky.  In stark contrast to the wreck of a man, Starsky's apartment was immaculate.  Huggy knew better than to start on Hutch though.  He had something to say and intended to say it.

"Hutch, how ya doin'?"  Hutch just shrugged and moved away.  Huggy was shocked at how much weight Hutch had lost.  Hutch went and sat down on the couch.

"Thought you should know Hutch, that they moved Starsky today.  Moved him into Country Meadows."  Hutch jumped slightly at that.  He knew what the place was but what could he do?  He remained silent and staring at the can of beer in his hands.

"He's in a bad way Hutch.  It's like he's given up.  He's not eatin' any more and they have to feed him through a tube.  He hasn't spoken…." Huggy stared at the man who he'd thought of as his brother.

"DO YOU CARE?  DO YOU EVEN FUCKIN' CARE THAT STARSKY IS WASTING AWAY?   It doesn't have to be
this bad for him.  Doctors even think the spinal cord isn't severed but it's a long haul back Hutch and you're the ONLY person who can help him make the journey!"  Huggy watched the silent man, still no reaction.

"Hutch, we're talkin' about STARSKY!   I never thought I'd see the day that you'd walk out on him!"

Hutch looked up at Huggy with bloodshot eyes.  "He loves me Hug.  I know that, but I also know that I destroyed him.  I can't expect him to forgive me and I can't help him.   Don't you think that's killing me?   I want to be there but he doesn't want me!"

Huggy saw a glimmer of hope.  "Have you asked him Hutch?  For God's sake, go see him, talk to him.  He'll talk to you, I know he will."

"I can't Hug.  I found this today" He handed Huggy an old piece of paper.  "I was looking at his books and found some personal letters.  Guess I shouldn't have read them but I kinda wanted to bring him close to me.   This is what he wrote to Gillian."

Huggy looked at the messy scribble that was Starsky's writing.

"Gillian,

I just want you to know that I do know about you, what you are and who you work for.  I'm writing this so that there is no misunderstanding between us.  You've gotta tell Hutch about this 'cause it's just too big to keep a secret.  It's gonna kill him when he finds out but I'll be there to pick up the pieces.  I'll always be there for Hutch because he's my partner, my best friend, my brother and I love him too.  I know you love him Gillian, I see that in you, and that's why this is so difficult.   You've got to get away and make a fresh start, where no one knows you.  Don't have much money behind me, but I'll sell my car and give you the money. Please Gillian do this.  Do this for Hutch, for the Hutch we both love.  In return, I promise to look after Hutch until my dying breath.  I'm not doing this out of malice against you, but love for my partner and friend.  Maybe in a few years, you can come back but you've gotta go now.  When you've thought about this, let me know what your decision is.  I'll tell him Dave"

Huggy looked at the still form of Hutch, who had tears running down his face.  "He was going to sell his prized car for me.  He told me he'd spoken to her, not written to her.  I guess he spoke first and didn't need to send it."

"I don't get it Hutch.  This proves how much he loves you…"

"Yeah it does.  It means that I've got to respect his wishes and stay away.  Now go, please Huggy."
 

Chapter 15

Starsky had been at Country Meadows for over a month now.  It was as bad as he'd always heard these places could be, maybe this one was worse.  It felt like years since he had arrived into this hell.  The nurses were overworked and short staffed, but did they have to treat him so badly?  Did they treat all of the patients this badly?  When they came to give him his daily bath
they would talk as though he was not even there, like he didn't exist.  He wasn't a person anymore.  They didn't seem to care about talking about him, many times right in front of him.  He didn't have a body anymore, but he still had ears, he still had feelings and a heart that felt pain.    Some felt sorry for him, and to others he was just extra work.  It was so humiliating.   When  they came in to bathe him they would just rip all the sheets off, throwing them aside and letting him lie in the bed naked.  It was all too frequent that the nurses had to rush to another patient who got confused and fell out of bed or whatever else it was that they did, leaving him lying unclothed and uncovered.  Privacy had become a luxury.  Any dignity he had left was taken away when he arrived at Country Meadows.

He hated the tube feedings as they frequently made his bowels loose and of course he had no control over them.  Many times his incontinence seemed to anger the nurses and nurses aides who had to clean him up.  He was forcefully turned and pushed into the siderails all to frequently.  There was one nurse in particular that seemed to be irritated by his occupancy at the home.
Unfortunately this was the nurse that was assigned to him almost every night.  She got tired of changing his sheets and many times let him lay in his waste all night, changing him only once just before her shift ended.  Unknowing to Starsky, he was getting sore and his skin was breaking down from lying in his excrement, not being turned to prevent pressure sores,  or properly cleaned up.  It was not long before he developed huge sores on his back and bottom from the negligence.  It was only when the tube that was sown into his stomach got infected that they needed to call the doctor for antibiotics.  The nursing home doctor didn't even come to see him, just ordered the antibiotics over the phone.   He was thankful that he made the decision to not allow any visitors.  He wanted his friends to remember him the way he was before all of this happened.  He hoped they eventually could.  He was no longer alive…he just existed.   This was worse than death.  He was living in hell.

There was one person Starsky grew to trust and started to feel comfortable talking to.  John was the day shift orderly.  He was at least kind to him and didn't throw him into the siderails  or berate him like others did and actually treated him with some respect, almost like a human being.  John seemed to take a liking to Starsky and even spent some time talking to him.  Starsky was forgetting what it was like to be cared about and respected.  He enjoyed John's company.  Starsky was glad that his speech was clearer so that John could understand him.  No one else at the nursing home took the time or had the patience to wait for Starsky to get his words out.  The nurses usually told him that "they would be right back" but never returned.  He knew they were avoiding him, he was just too much trouble.   What he had to say was not important he guessed, except to John.  Not that he had a lot to say, but John seemed to care about him and always seemed to find the time to listen. He was doing his best to draw Starsky out more, and Starsky found himself responding to the kindness he was shown.  Although Starsky's  speech was improving, it was still slow going and something that he had to really focus  in order to communicate.  Dr. Larson had told him that  a speech therapist would work with him, but that never happened either.

"Joh, Johhnny, thank you for talk..talking to me.  Why are the nurs... nurses  so cruel?  Do they trea...treat all of the pat...patients this way?  I don't care about, about..bout  myself, but something should...should  be done, those
other people don't deserve to be tre..treated like this."

"David, its been this way for years.  It is wrong and I hate seeing it, but I need the job and it makes me feel good to know that these people can count on me not to be nasty to them.  You don't deserve it either, no one does.  Most of the patients here have become like family to me over the years.  Country Meadows has been reported before for neglect and patient abuse, but each time they seem to fool the board and the medical association representatives.  I'm sorry for what you're going through. I can't begin to imagine."

"Thanks for listen...listennnnning anyway John.  Please do...do your b...best to help these people.  They need some…someone like you on their side."

"David, how come you won't allow any visitors?  Don't you have any family or friends in the area?"

"NO!  Nnnnooo family here, nnoooo friends.  I don't want any vis...visitors.  Its bad enough that I...I have to live with my, myself,  let alone anybody else seeing me like, like this.  John, you wouldn't want people to see, see you like this wo...would you?"

"Hey buddy, its okay, don't cry.  I didn't mean to upset you."

"Buddy".  I had a fri.. friend once who called me..meee 'buddy' a lot."

John took a tissue from the nightstand next to Starsky's  bed and wiped away at the tears rolling down the sad man's face.

"How about I turn you onto your side for a while?  I can rub your back a little and your neck, might help you to relax."

"If, if you want."

John turned Starsky gently onto his side and rubbed his back, careful not to get any lotion in the large open sores on Starsky's back, before positioning him on his side.  He was appalled to see the redness and sores on Starsky's  back and another near his neck.   His bottom, private area and thighs were excoriated from lying in his waste and not being tended to or cleaned
properly.  He'd seen it before though, neglect, pure neglect.

"David, do you have any pain?"

"Just my head an..and my neck is sore."

"Why didn't you ask for something for the pain and tell the nurses your neck was sore?"

"Doesn't mat...matter.  Who cares any...anyway?"

Starsky was crying again, at what his life had become, at what he had become, nothing, he had become nothing, he meant nothing to no one.  Pain was all he felt emotionally and physically.  There was nothing to be happy about, nothing to look forward to.

"Your back is a bit sore David, don't you have any feeling from your neck down yet?"

"Nnnnnooo.  I saw bl...blood on the sheets when...when they cha...changed them a coup..couple days ago.  I didn't know wh..what it was from."

Starsky's apathy and neglected body brought tears to John's eyes.

"David, do you want to talk about anything?"

"Nothin to talk about, thank...thanks anyway John."

"Why don't you tell me about your friend?  The one who called you "buddy"?

"I don't wanna ta...talk  bout hi..him.  I can't.  He has a li...life of his own now.  I hurt hi...him John.  I hurt him b...bad and I lo...love him too much to see him hurt any...anymore.  He couldn't stand see...seeing me like this and he...he left.   He's better off without mmm...me and I hope he's forgo...forgotten about me by now.  I haven't seen him in o...over a month.  I hope he's moved on b...by now." Even as Starsky spoke, he knew that Hutch wouldn't have forgotten and it broke his heart when he considered what Hutch would be doing.

"David, this friend sounds pretty important to you.  Were you friends for a long time?"

"Yeah, we met at the...the academy, we were par...partner's.  I used to be a detective.  God I miss that.  But I miss my part...partner,  well, lets just say he was mmm.my best friend, the b...best friend anyone could ever ask for. I had a lot of gg...good years because of him.  He was al...always my sunshine and well, I want him to be happy and mm..me being like this is just tt...too much.  I don't want him to ss...see me like this anyway.  You know what I mean John?"

"I do David.  I want to share something with you.  I had a brother, he was in the same condition that you are in right now.  It was awful for him too.  His name was Michael and he got paralysed in a bad motorcycle accident."

"Where is he n..now?  What became of him?"

"He's no longer here David.  He died."

"I'm ss...sorry John.  That was none of my bb...business, I shouldn't have asked that.  I kno..know its personal."

"No David, I'm telling you this for a reason.  I loved him so much that I...Well, he didn't want to go on living like that and he asked me to help him."

"What?  What did he ask yy..you to do?"

"David, this is just between you and me okay?  Can I trust you not to say anything to anyone?  I could deny we ever had this conversation and there's no proof, so..."

"John, just tt...tell me will ya?"

"I helped him to die David.  I loved him too much to see him living like he was, in so much pain and humiliation.  He asked me to help him and I did.  I've never regretted doing what I did."

"John, are you ss...say..saying you killed him?"

"I don't think of it as killing him.  I had mercy on him, what he had was not a life."

John fully expected Starsky to tell him to get out and to be angry, but he was not.  Even John didn't expect what came next.

"John, if  Mmmm...Michael were here now, ll...laying in this b...bed, just like me, without any ho...hope, would you d...do it again?"

"Yes, I would, I know he is at peace now."

"Can you do something for mm...me John?  Please?  Talking to you about Mmm...Michael, well it's the first feeling of hope I've had in a long time.  Ever since this haa...happened and I lost my best fr..friend. Well, I don't want to ll..live like this John.  If I could do it mm...myself I would.  I've thought about it every d...day since, but I can't do any...anything.  I'm tired of being pu...pushed around, tired of being treated ll...like an animal, tired of ll...laying in my own shhh...shit, the catheter, and the   t...tube in my stomach.  You'd be doing me a huge fav...¦favour and helping my frie...friend to get his life bb...back.   Do you know what I'm say...saying John?"

Starsky was once again crying, but had a glimmer of hope that all of this could end.  John could help him.  He hoped that John was thinking the same thing that he was.

"David, I do know what you are saying and that is why I told you about Michael.  I'll help you if you want me to.  You won't have any pain.  I'll put "it" in your feeding tube.  You'll just go to sleep and not wake up.  I've seen you suffering over this last month.  I've seen the desperation and loneliness  in your eyes.  You're dying a slow death now.  It doesn't have to be this way.  You could be at peace David.  If this is what you want, really want, I will help you."

"Pll...Please John!  I want nothing mm..more!  I want this to end.  I ca..can't bear it anymore.  I'd be so grateful tt..to you.  The nurses would be gra...grateful to you and mm.my friend could start living again.  As l..long as I'm here like this I know he's nnn...never going to be okay, despite what I said before.  He ain't gonna move on while I'm here.  I want to end it!  How
sss...soon can you do this John?"

"As soon as you want David."

"Can you write a l...letter for me?" Starsky was feeling at peace for the first time since the accident.  He looked at it as the only solution for Hutch.

"Sure David, what about if I come back when I'm off duty." He smiled weakly at Starsky.  He really did care about his patient and although he knew he'd be killing him, he couldn't feel he was doing the wrong thing.  He saw more animation in Starsky's eyes then, than he had before.
 

CHAPTER 16

John returned to Starsky's room later that evening equipped with what he would need to assist in Starsky's death.  He also brought paper, pen and an envelope to write the letter Starsky had requested.  Starsky's eyes were closed when John approached him, seeming to rest peacefully for the first time since his arrival at Country Meadows.  John knew it was because he knew he would soon be leaving this world, leaving the nursing home and going to his final home where he would find peace.  What used to be an active, involved and loving world had turned into a painful  prison for David Michael Starsky.  He had lost everything, his independence, his dignity and his heart was broken.   Tonight that would all END and he would at last find peace and comfort.  No more suffering.  No more pain.  No more humiliation.

"DAVID, David, its John."

Starsky opened his eyes, giving a sad, but thankful smile to his assassin.  He was ready to die and welcomed it.

"JJJOHN, John, thank you sssSO much for COMING back tt..tonight."

"I brought everything we'll need David.  Are you ready for me to help you write that letter?"

Through tears of joy and sadness, Starsky told John everything that he wanted to be included in the letter that would be delivered to his best friend, Kenneth Hutchinson, after he was gone from this world.

John read the letter back to Starsky to assure he had everything correct.  He knew how important this letter was to Starsky and knew how important it was to him to say goodbye in this way.

"Dear Hutch,

I want to start this letter by saying Thank You.  Thank you for being my  partner and my best friend.  I don't know what I ever did to deserve to have  you as my best friend. You're closer than a brother and in this life I've loved you more.  Know one has ever cared about me the way you have.  Because of you, I know what true, unconditional love is.  I truly have been blessed.
I know you Kenneth Hutchinson.  I know what you're  doing to yourself  right now and since the accident.  I can feel it.  You're blaming yourself  for what happened to me.  Well, don't!  None of this is your fault.  I would have gone to save Ricky whether you were there or not.  You wouldn't have been able to stop me.  You haven't forgotten how stubborn I can be have you?  I  could have said no to you about the hike, but I chose not to.  So the guilt trip you're on stops here!

This place I'm in right NOW, well, it isn't so bad.  The nurses are nice and I've been okay, so I don't want you worrying about that either.  I understand you, always have and I know why you couldn't be here.   I know you need time to sort things out.  You're the analytical one of US, the thinker.  I just worry about you partner.  I know you're probably not taking care of
yourself and beatin' yourself up about all of this.  Well, get over it will ya blondie?  I've been okay.

Hutch, because of you I've known happiness, I've learned how to TRUST, I've never been alone since we met at the academy.  I remember that DAY, you should too blintz.  My life changed forever on that day.  The sun seemed to shine  brighter, the world became a better place to live in.  I could not have asked for more over our years together.  They have been the best years of my life.

We always knew that one of us would die first.  My biggest fear had always been that it would be you.   I thank God with all of my heart that it is me.  I couldn't go on without you. This might make what I'm about to say seem selfish, well that's too bad.   When I almost lost you to the plague I felt I would die too and when you were missing for days, trapped under your car
and I couldn't find YOU, Well I felt a desperation I didn't know I could feel.  And Gillian, God Hutch I'm sorry that didn't work out for you.  I was only trying to protect you.  I know how much you loved her and I'm sorry things turned out the way they did.  I hurt when you hurt Hutch.  I'm hurting now because I know you are hurting TERRIBLY AND Dying with me.  That is why I have chosen to leave this world.  Dying won't be painful,  I'll just go to sleep and not wake up.  I need to do this for both of us Hutch.  You need to let me GO and I need to go.  Please Hutch, please forgive me.  I never meant to cause you any pain.  I'll carry your smile in my heart forever, no matter where I am.  I can't say enough how lucky I feel for all you have given to me.  Promise me that you will start to live again, please let yourself live.  Get married and have a family, I kinda like the idea of little Hutchinsons in the world and with a dad like you, they can't go wrong.

I don't want you to be hanging around the cemetery and please don't be too hard on your next partner.  Its not gonna be his fault if he can't drive you crazy like I could.  Maybe you'll get lucky and this guy won't even like burritos, AND maybe he'll even drive some boring car.  I know you'll miss the tomato.   If you give your new partner a quarter of what you gave me, then
he  will be as blessed as I was.

I love you Hutch.  I've loved you so much, so much that sometimes it hurt.  But that was okay.  We had something very special, an incredible bond.  You made my life complete and so happy.  Thank you Hutch.

By the time you receive this letter, I'll be gone.  I want you to stay close to Huggy.  He really cares about you and he will help you get through this and I do need to know that you'll get past this..  Time heals all wounds and I know your future will be bright if you let it.  You're special.  Remember me the way I used to be okay?  Not like this.  I'll always love you Hutch.   Please be OKAY for me.  This is my last request to you.

Love Starsky"
 

John sealed the letter and promised to deliver it after Starsky's death.   John prepared the lethal dose of morphine and injected it into the feeding  tube in Starsky's stomach.  He laid a hand on Starsky's forehead until the drug took its effects, slowing his respirations.  Starsky had now slipped into unconsciousness and John knew it would not be long before this sad, helpless man would be free.  John took the letter and left the room, knowing that the nurses would not check on him for hours, maybe even not until  morning.  By then he would be gone.  Knowing how Country Meadows worked, there would probably be no autopsy.  John took one more look at the man who the world had forgotten about, before leaving the nursing home unseen.  He would make sure the letter got delivered that night to the letterbox.  It wouldn't be checked until the morning and Starsky would be dead.  John said a small prayer for his friend and wished him peace.
 

CHAPTER 17

Huggy had been keeping an eye on Hutch’s place.  Hutch had moved into Starsky’s and barely moved and had refused to speak to him since his last visit a month ago.  He was living like a hermit and neglecting everything except Starsky’s place.  His own place was a mess, with his plants all dying.   Huggy drove past every few days to make sure it was still standing but he
knew Hutch didn’t care.  He didn’t care about much these days.  On this particular night, after Huggy closed the bar, he was restless and went for a drive.  He stopped by Hutch’s place and got his mail.  He figured it had been building up for a couple days since he last got it and delivered it to Starsky’s apartment where Hutch was now living.  He usually put the mail in
Starsky’s letter box, having given up on getting invited in, even though he usually saw a light on in Starsky’s apartment.  One particular piece of mail stood out.  He looked at the envelope and wondered why he was feeling so uneasy, until he saw the printed address on the back Huggy knocked at the door, not expecting an answer, but he was in for a surprise.  Hutch almost
pulled him into Starsky’s apartment and he was pleasantly surprised to see that Hutch, although definitely worn down, was dressed, sober and clean, and obviously about to go out.

“Hug!  Glad you’re here.  I’ve got to see Starsk.  Huggy, what have I been doing?”

Huggy grinned slowly.  “Dunno my man, but I’m glad you’ve woken up!  What brought this about?”

Hutch looked straight at Huggy.  “He needs me Hug, he really needs me.  I don’t know why I let him push me away but it’s gotta stop.    I had this dream last night, that he was calling me…” Hutch’s voice trailed off.   “I’ve got too caught up with my own guilt to see straight and I let him do something to me that I would never have stood for before.  He pushed me away and I
went!   Hug, that shouldn’t have happened, and I don’t care what I have to do to get through to him!”

“Thank goodness you’ve seen sense Hutch!  I knew you would but…” Huggy paused “I thought I’d better bring this over.  It was in your letter box and is from Country Meadows, without a stamp.  I just figured….”

Hutch looked at the envelope, with a sick feeling of dread.  He knew he would have had a telephone call if Starsky had taken a turn for the worst, but somehow he dreaded opening the letter.  He rubbed his tired eyes, his life style had taken its toll on his previously strong and healthy body and opened the envelope.  What he read made his world come crashing around him
again. “Oh God, Oh my God NO!”  The letter was from Starsky, not his handwriting, but his words.  He informed Hutch that he could not go on living like he was and that he wanted Hutch to be free of the pain he had caused him.  Starsky had chosen to end his life…so Hutch could live once again.  He loved him that much.  Hutch looked in horror at Huggy.

“We’ve got to go, Huggy, NOW!”

 Hutch grabbed his car keys, in no way fit enough to drive but knowing he had to get to his partner.  Huggy followed close on his heels, his offer to drive falling on deaf ears.  The drive to the nursing home was carried out in silence, both men caught up with their own thoughts, Huggy dreading what they’d find, especially now that Hutch had pulled himself together. He hoped they would not be too late.  What they found out chilled them to the bone. Starsky had been given an overdose.

 “Why wasn’t I called?  You should have called me!  I only know about this because I got a letter from him…” but Hutch was too anxious to see Starsky.  He’d deal with the incompetent fools later.  The nurse had no ready answers for him.  Huggy let him go, deciding that he’d call Dobey.

Hutch made his way to Starsky’s bed and looked in horror at his best friend and partner.  The guilt that had frozen his heart, finally melted away and he realised how wrong he’d been. His dream last night had at last reminded him that his place was with his partner, and he shouldn’t have let Starsky push him away.  He sat down next to the bed and took his hand.

“Starsk, buddy…” Hutch’s voice broke but he knew it was important that he talk to him. “Starsk, God how did we get here?   You’re my partner, my best friend and I’ve let you drown. Never again.” He wasn’t aware of the tears running down his face.  “I left because you told me to but I’ve gotta tell you now Starsk, that I’m not going anywhere.  You’re never going to get
rid of me and we’re going to get through this.  If I could swap places I would in a second, and you know that.  You asked me to let you go Starsk, but that’s the one thing I can never do. I’d do anything for you babe, except that.  You’re with me always, you’re a part of me.  I know this is hard but you’re not on your own.  You never were but I was too blind and guilt-ridden
to see.  You weren’t, you always knew that, didn’t you?  You’ve always known how I loved you and that's why you pushed me away.  You understand me like no one has ever understood me.  I saw that when I read your letter.  You’ve done this to release me, as much as yourself Hutch sat on the side of the bed, half  laying on his partner with his head on Starsky’s chest.
Starsky was so pale and had lost a lot of weight since Hutch had last seen him and his hair that had been shaved off for the surgery  had grown quite long.  Starsky looked at peace, but Hutch couldn’t let him go.  He never would.   A nurse walked into the room to tell him that Mr. Starsky did not want any visitors.  Hutch just looked up and demanded softly that she call an
ambulance immediately for his partner..  She didn’t question the distraught blond man.  There was fury and desperation in his eyes.  She made the call immediately.

The nurse sensed trouble as she knew that Starsky should have been transported to the hospital hours ago, after they found him unconscious.  She did tell the nurse in charge who told her that they were too busy and no ambulance would be called unless Mr. Starsky stopped breathing. They simply did not have the time for him, nor any regard for his life.  The charge nurse
commented that “he would be better off dead anyway.”   He was total care and if he  were gone, their workload would be much easier.

Hutch lost track of time, resting his head on Starsky’s chest, needing to hear his heart beating and to be as close to him as possible.  He’d lost his way through this accident but never again.  Starsky wasn’t going to get rid of him again and he’d put all his strength behind Starsky to help him rebuild his life.  In whatever form it took.  Starsky alive was the most important issue.   At first he thought he’d imagined it, a slight pressure on his hand, his hand that was holding Starsky’s hand.   But no, it happened again.

Hutch rested his head back down onto Starsky’s chest, unable to stop crying and begging for him to live.  He stayed like that for a long time.  Ambulance crews never rushed when they were called to Country Meadows, knowing it was probably to pick up a corpse or to deliver some poor elderly person to the hospital…knowing that they would be better off dead than having to ever return to Country Meadows.

Hutch felt his own life slipping away when he felt a gentle hand rest itself on his head.  He ignored it at first, thinking it was one of the nurses, but when the hand did not move he looked to see who was tending to him and why he felt such a loving presence.

It was Starsky’s hand grasping his and Starsky’s other hand on his head. Starsky had moved without even realizing it.  He was extremely groggy due to the large dose of  morphine he had been given.  A dose meant to kill him and free Hutch.

Hutch sat up a bit and called to Starsky, hoping he could hear him.

“Starsk?  Starsk, are you awake?” Hutch could only barely whisper and look at the miracle that was his partner.    He nearly cried all over again when he saw his partner’s blue eyes open and looking at him, blinking wearily.

“Hhhhuuu…”

“Starsk?  Oh God…Starsky you can hear me?  You moved buddy!  Please open those eyes for me…look at me…please.”

Starsky’s struggled to keep his eyes open.  He thought he saw Hutch and figured that maybe he had passed away and this was a hallucination.  As he became a bit more alert, he realized it was not and that Hutch, his best friend was there with him.

“Yeh babe, I’m here…” He put his hand on Starsky’s cheek and stroked gently under his eye, with his thumb.  “I’m with you all the way.  God I’m sorry Starsk…”

“Nnnnot yyyyour fau….” Starsky was too weary to continue, and was already dozing off again.

“We can argue about that later Starsk.”  Hutch continued his stroking, revelling in the feel of Starsky’s face.   He knew they had a long road ahead, but they could make it, together.

“Why?…”

“Starsky, I’m right hear and I promise I’ll never leave you again.  I’m so sorry.  There’s no excuse for my behaviour, I should never have let you push me away, but I love you Starsky and promise to never leave you again.”

“Hutch…pp..please go away.  I can’t even dd..die right!”  Starsky was crying, devastated at still being alive.  Now Hutch would never be free of him.

“Starsky…stop it!  You’re not gonna die…I’m not gonna let you damn it!  You’re going to the hospital, ambulance is on its way.”

“No…Juu…Just let me go please.”

Starsky knew that Hutch would find out about the abuse and neglect if he were taken to the hospital.  He didn’t want to put Hutch through that.  He was supposed to have died.  Why didn’t he!  Starsky closed his eyes once more, falling into unconsciousness..  His last thought was hope that he wouldn’t wake up again.
 

CHAPTER 18

Hutch waited in the emergency room waiting room with Huggy, both waiting anxiously for news about Starsky, neither of them talking.

After about one hour, the emergency room doctor appeared in the waiting room looking for Hutch.  The doctor was pale and looked as though he himself might be sick.

"Doctor!  How's my partner?"

'I think he's going to make it, he was given a near lethal dose of morphine, but I need to talk to you now about something else.  Please come with me."

"Doc?"

"Just follow me! Please!"

Hutch did as he was told, not knowing what to expect.  He feared something was terribly wrong.

"Listen, Mr. Hutchinson, usually I would call the police in on a case like this, but you are the police.  I need to report a case of  severe neglect and abuse."

"Doc, please call someone else.  I need to be here for my partner."

"IT IS YOUR PARTNER!  GUESS YOU DIDN'T SEE HIS BODY DID YOU?"

"Doctor!  What are you saying?  Please.."  Hutch's heart rate was rising.

"I want you to look at something Mr. Hutchinson."  He took Hutch into the room that held his partner and turned Starsky onto his side so Hutch could see his back, bottom and legs.

Hutch nearly passed out when he saw the huge open pressure sores on Starsky's back, sacral area and on both heels.  Starsky's bottom, private area and thighs looked like raw meat.  The tube in Starsky's stomach was infected and the doctor said the catheter had never been changed since he left the hospital.  A urine test had shown that Starsky had a severe bladder
infection, possibly affecting his kidneys.  He was so thin that his ribs were clearly visible.  The doctor pointed out black and blue marks on Starsky's arms and head where he had been pushed into the siderails of the bed he had occupied at Country Meadows.  This could not be his partner, not Starsky.

"NO!  Oh my God!  Starsky!"

Hutch felt a hand on his shoulder and heard Huggy crying beside him.  Huggy was there to keep Hutch standing as he felt his knees buckle.

"Oh God Huggy!  Look what they did to him!  Oh my God!  He doesn't deserve this!  Why didn't they take care of him! Hasn't he been through enough!  Damn it!!!!"

Captain Dobey was in the emergency room within 30 minutes and Hutch stayed with his partner while the crime team took pictures of Starsky's badly wounded body for evidence to be used against Country Meadows.  Hutch had gone crazy when he saw the extent of the neglect and was screaming for justice.  Only his determination not to leave Starsky alone, prevented him from racing down to the nursing home and tearing it apart.  That and Dobey's dire warning to him.  Dobey was appalled and had every intention of seeing that a full and formal investigation was carried out against the nursing home and the last thing he needed was his enraged detective racing down there and perhaps ending up facing charges himself.  He shared Hutch's fury but he wanted to make sure that this was dealt with properly.
 

Starsky woke for a few minutes at a time.  He cried out in pain.  Hutch and the doctors were glad he now had some feeling back, which was a good sign, but no man should ever have to feel pain caused by such neglect.  Hutch made himself  stay strong, knowing he had to be there for Starsky.  He would never leave Starsky again and knew he was going to need a lot of love if he was ever to overcome all that had happened to him.

The periods of Starsky's wakefulness were increasing and each time he woke up, Hutch was there.  A much thinner and gaunt looking Hutch, but Hutch all the same, sitting with him smiling at him, encouraging him.  However, Starsky knew Hutch all too well and could see the strain that was behind his smile, and knew that nothing had been solved.  He vaguely remembered things that Hutch had told him about always being with him, but it had been that burden that Starsky wanted to take from him.  As his thoughts became clearer, he realised this more clearly and he also saw just how unhealthy Hutch was looking.  Hutch was looking better than he had, for he'd stayed off the alcohol since the visit to Country Meadows, and was also accepting food from Huggy and Dobey.  Neither of them had come in to see Starsky, wanting to respect his privacy but they were there, all the time, hovering, worrying about both boys, but knowing that with Hutch out of his guilt induced daze, at least things were on the right track, even if there was a long journey ahead.

Hutch was also aware that Starsky had something on his mind and had a fairly good idea what it was, but it was a difficult topic to bring up and he wasn't sure how to do it.  He did know that he wasn't going to fail Starsky, and ignore it.  He couldn't for if he did the price would be too high.  The letter had proven that Starsky had chosen to die, although his helper hadn't been found.

"Starsk.. we need to talk babe"  Starsky looked at Hutch, knowing what was coming.

"Hhhuuuttch .. I'm ... Sorry."  Starsky's speech pattern was improving but he was still slow in pronouncing words, particularly when upset.  "I, don't know  how to live like this.."

"I know babe." Hutch took his hand.  "I know it's hard but your spinal cord wasn't severed and you can move your arms a bit. The doctors say that you'll eventually regain full mobility. It's going to be a long haul, but we're going to do this."

"Nnnooo Hutch.  I don't .. want to be a burden..."

"Stop it Starsk.  You could never be a burden to me.   You're my partner and best friend in the whole world and I'm going to help you get better.   I want you fit and well again but even if it's not 100%, it doesn't matter to me.  I am not going to turn my back on you ever again and we're going to do this together.  You told me you don't blame me for this and I believe you.  God
knows why I deserve you, but I've got you and you've got me and you're not getting rid of me that easily."

"You've got your ... Life.   Hutch... I want you to live a normal life, and babysitting me won't be normal.  I'm a wreck.."

"NO" Hutch took Starsky's face in his hands so that he could stare directly into his eyes.  "You are NOT a wreck and can't ever say that!  You've been hurt, very badly, but you are still Starsky, my aggravating, annoying partner!   We are going to fight this but Starsk, you're going to have to want to.   It's not going to be easy, and you're going to hurt like hell, but you are not going to be on your own ever again! I screwed up Starsk, big time! I let you push me away but I'll never leave you again.  I need you too damn much.  Please forgive me buddy, think you can do that?"  He wiped a tear that had fallen from Starsky's eyes.   "Starsk, do this for me!  Tell me that you'll do this.  I don't have a life without you.  That nonsense about getting married and getting a new partner - it's bull shit Starsk.  I can't do it, not without you.  Besides I quit the Department.  I'm going to get fit again, so I can look after you.  I'm going to find you a better place than that hell hole Country Meadows.  I've got money, investment money which I've been living off.  There's still plenty there to make sure you get the best treatment possible.  'NO', he put his hand over Starsky's mouth.  "No more arguments Starsk.   You'll go to a rehabilitation center, only until you get some
mobility back and then I'm taking you home." The more Hutch thought about it, the more he was sure this was right and there was a light in his eyes that hadn't been there for a very long time.   He looked down when he felt something touching his arm.  Starsky's hand was reaching out for him. Starsky saw Hutch's determination and felt some strength returning.   He'd wanted to release Hutch but perhaps this was meant to be. Otherwise he'd be dead.  He still had his fears and didn't want to burden Hutch but it seemed the decision had been made for him.  He guessed he'd take each day as it came.  Hutch grabbed the hand and held it tightly, his heart full.  This wasn't going to be easy but he was going to be with Starsky every step of the way.

"Hut..ch,  I'm glad you're here. Do somethin' for me??

Hutch nodded "Anything you want buddy."

"Make 'em take these tubes out okay?  I wanna feel like a human being again, not an animal and please ask the nurses not to
throw me into the siderails anymore..I don't mean to cause them any extra work.  I never meant to do that."

Hutch was both surprised and shocked that his partner was opening up to him so quickly.  His heart ached at what Starsky must have gone through at the hands of the staff at Country Meadows.  He would never leave his best friend again and would do anything in his power for Starsky to feel loved and cared about again.  Starsky would never again be abused, and he would provide all of the love that he'd need to get through this.  He'd be his strength.

"Buddy, I'll never let anyone hurt you again, including myself.  I love you so much Starsk.  Please believe me."

"Hutch don't   c..cry.  I love you too."

Hutch gathered a frail Starsky into his arms and held him, careful not to put pressure on any of the open areas on Starsky's back.  Both men cried and took comfort and strength from each other.   It felt good to hold his partner again.  It felt so damn good.
 

CHAP 19
 
The next few days, as Starsky's treatment began for the deep wounds and infections that resulted from the abuse and neglect he had been subjected to at Country Meadows, were pretty rough for both men.  As feeling returned, Starsky was in terrible pain and Hutch suffered as much as he did, trying not to let the guilt cripple him again.  Guilt that increased as he saw the results of
the mistreatment that Starsky had suffered.  However, he was determined to be strong for Starsky, and tried to put his guilt behind him, or at least control it.  Starsky didn't need him to be guilt ridden, he needed him to be strong  and he could do that. The feeding tube had been removed and Starsky started  taking liquids and special nourishments from the dietician. He began  receiving some passive and active physical therapy while in bed, but his first visit to the physical therapy department was yet to be scheduled. His long recovery was about to begin.  Emotionally he was doing quite well,  although he still faced some moments of despair when he realised just how long his recovery would take. He tried to put on a brave face for Hutch, not wanting to bring his  partner down with him. His greatest asset was the love and support that he felt from Hutch, and with Hutch there, his own will and determination to fight had returned.  However, there was a down side to having Hutch there, and that was the need he still felt to hide his true feelings.  He was very relieved to see that Hutch was looking better each day, and that he'd pulled himself together, and didn't want to risk causing him any more pain, so the pretence continued.
 
Hutch was aware that things weren't quite right for Starsky, but he was trying to stay strong and had every intention of  helping him as much as he could. He was with Starsky from first thing in the morning, until night and only left then when Starsky
stated that he'd worry  about him if he didn't start looking after himself. He left Starsky's side  only when pushed out by the medical staff who were looking after his wounds and infection, to get meals and take bathroom breaks, and when he returned
home at night. He was just so relieved that Starsky was still with him but however hard he tried, he still couldn't quite persuade Starsky  that it wasn't a chore for him to stay there.   Their easy companionship hadn't returned automatically, although
Hutch was prepared to do anything to get it back.  Starsky once would have taken Hutch's presence for granted and assumed that he'd be there for him, but now he was more concerned about holding Hutch back, preventing him from having a normal life.  Hutch hadn't done anything about starting in the Department again, and was living off his investment money, quite content to be there and with Starsky at all times. They hadn't yet spoken about recent  events, but as Starsky started to grow stronger, they  both realised that they'd have to talk about what happened.  Both wanted to regain their bond, Hutch wanting to explain his actions and Starsky just wanting to make things right between  them.  Starsky still had a lot of concerns about being a burden to his partner, as  his recovery was obviously going to be a long and painful time. Neither of them were sure how to broach the subject.
 
One morning Hutch had gone for a quick cup of coffee and returned to find that the bed was empty. Hutch forgot about his coffee and went to the nurses station, trying not to panic.
 
"Mr. Starsky was taken to physical therapy. I'm sorry, didn't anyone tell you?"

"No! When did they take him? Did anyone tell him what was going to happen?"
 
"I'm sorry Mr. Hutchinson, we just got the orders this morning and didn' t have much time for preparation." Hutch turned away, knowing he had to find the physical therapy department and his partner as quickly as he could.   This was going to be a difficult time for Starsk, and he wanted to be there for every second.
 
Starsky had his head down, looking very alone.   The therapist had left him on his own and Hutch wondered why, but knew that his instincts had been right. Starsky was going to need him, more than ever.
 
"Hey buddy? Thought maybe you went chasing after the pretty nurses when I came back and you weren't there."
 
"It's no good Hutch...but thanks for tryin."
 
"Starsk, this is a good sign. Doc must think you're ready. I'll be right here with you. No one is gonna hurt you here, or they'll have me to deal with."
 
Starsky started to cry, turning his head away trying to hide his tears. (Why do you have to care so much? You're never gonna let me give up).
 
"Hey, c'mon partner, why the tears? What are you so afraid of Starsk?" Hutch put his arm around Starsky's shoulders.
 
"I hurt! Damn it! Everything hurts, but you wanna know what I'm afraid of the most?"
 
"Yes, please tell me Starsk." Hutch stooped down in front of the wheelchair, still  with his arm draped around his partner, using his free hand to lift Starsky's chin so he could look into his eyes.
 
"Hutch...I'm...I'm afraid of FALLING!!!!! I'm scared that I can't do this!"
 
(Oh God, how could I have not known that?) "Starsk, no one is going to let you fall. I'm not gonna let you fall. As for not being able to do this, I know you can! I know it'll be hard Starsk, but I'm gonna be here every step of the way, I'll catch if
you I have to.   You're not on your own buddy! What would you be telling me if the tables were turned?"
 
Starsky feebly tried to wipe at his tears and began to chuckle. Hutch could always make him feel better, even when nothing had really changed.  He still had a long and painful road to recovery ahead of him.
 
"I'd make you get your ass up there and try."
 
"Well, then I want you to get your skinny ass up there and try. Got it buddy?"

"I guess, but it's not you, thank God. I'm grateful for that at least" Starsky looked directly at Hutch, who swallowed the lump in his throat.  "Don't ever wish yourself  here blintz, 'cause if it was you, I'd only be wishing it was me! So it's kinda pointless!" He grinned weakly, finding his strength from Hutch, as always. (Maybe I was wrong before, and it is good that you love me so
much).
 
Starsky looked away and bowed his head, starting to pick at  the blanket that covered his legs. "I just don't know if I'm ready. This time Hutch took Starsky's head in both of his hands, forcing the eye contact again.
 
"I know you're scared. I'm scared too, but we gotta start somewhere Starsk. When I said that no one was ever going to hurt you again I meant it. How are you gonna take care of me if anything ever happens, if we don't get you up and moving huh? I need you buddy. All I ask is that you try. For  you. For me. For us. If you don't get those legs working I'm gonna have to drive that tomato of yours around...you know how I feel about that. It's been  sitting in Merle's garage, growing rust but I thought I might get it out of  retirement although I'll need therapy myself if I have to drive it for too long. What do you say buddy? I'll be right here every step of the way. You'll never be alone with this."
 
"That' s not fair Hutch. That' s blackmai!  Besides, I know you're just looking for an excuse to drive my car.  Got news for ya blintz,  it's really not your style so I guess I'm gonna have to give this walking thing a shot.  Promise you'll stay with me."
 
"I promise...couldn't get rid of me if you tried. I'm ready for the show. You show 'em what you're made of right?"
 
"Hutch? Thank you. How is it you can always make me laugh, make me want to try, always turn the bad into something good? I'll try, for us and because, although I love ya, I don't want ya drivin' my car."
 
"Now that's the Starsky I know." Hutch moved closer to embrace his friend and gave him strength... gave them  both strength. It worked, as always, the me and thee magic.
 

CHAPTER 20 FINAL
 
Three weeks later after some extensive and painful physical therapy, Hutch was delighted to find out that he could take Starsky home and that he wouldn't need to go into any rehabilitation centre to stay. Hutch was overjoyed and knew Starsky would be too. Starsky had been  severely  traumatized by his experience at Country Meadows, although he hadn't really spoken a great deal about it. The social worker and Hutch worked together to arrange for a nurse to come to the  house daily to  care for the
wounds and healing areas on Starsky's body and a  physical  therapist would come to the house three times a week. Hutch was
more than  happy to be Starsky's nurse and physical therapist when they  were not there. He was just so thankful and elated to have Starsky's life, love and friendship back. He could hardly wait to tell Starsky the great news and he bounded into the
room, a wide grin on his face, which faded  slightly as he saw his partner's strained face.
 
"Hey buddy, what is it?" Hutch couldn't hide his worry.
 
Starsky smiled weakly at the concern he could see in Hutch. "I'm okay. Kinda rough day" he sighed as he spoke. He knew he was in for  many more rough days, but sometimes it felt harder than others.
 
Hutch sat down on the chair near the bed and took his hand.
 
"Great news buddy! You're coming home with me!" Hutch was surprised when Starsky pulled away slightly, but he didn't release his hand. "Starsk?"
 
"Hutch" he took in a deep breath. "You can't be my nursemaid..."
 
"Starsky! Don't even try to finish what you're going to say! I  don't want to hear it! I let you push me away before, but not again...."
 
"NO! I didn't push you away! I wanted you to stay then. That was before I realised just what I was..." Starsky's eyes filled with tears, blinding him  to the horror on Hutch's face. Hutch suddenly realised what had  happened.
 
"Oh God Starsk! If I could turn back the clock, I would! I was so wrapped up in guilt and despair. You were so badly hurt and it was my fault! I should have been on that hike...."
 
"No, Hutch. Don't go over it again. It happened, and we can't change  that. I told you before, that if it was you, I'd wish it was me, so it's stupid to think that.  I never blamed you, not once. I was selfish enough to want you to stay with me and I could see what you were doin' to yourself with your guilt trip. The bad times hadn't really started then but when they did, I was kinda glad you weren't there. That nursing home Hutch..." he swallowed a sob. Hutch wanted to interrupt but he knew they both had things that had to be said. It seemed the moment had arrived, perhaps it should have happened earlier, but Starsky had battles enough with the rough therapy sessions. They'd worn him out physically and Hutch was emotionally exhausted after them.  Things would be sorted out now, come what may.  Starsky would go first then he'd say his piece and Starsky would realise once and for all, that he would be with him every difficult day, every painful step, for as long as it took. There would be no more misunderstandings between them.
 
"It was like I didn't count any more and I realised that I didn't, and that I was nothing. I'm not sayin' this to make you feel bad" Starsky caught a glimpse of the expression on Hutch's face. "I just want you to realise that it was then that I knew it was better that you  weren't around and I wanted you to let me go. I wanted to die Hutch, really wanted to die and I wasn't too pleased to wake up. When I  saw you there, I  felt I was dreamin' but it became a nightmare again. I couldn't even die properly and I couldn't move enough to make sure I did!" He looked away from the naked pain in Hutch's face. "I know you said I'd never be a  burden to you, but I am! Your life consists of coming here everyday and spendin' time with me. If I moved home with you, it would be even worse! 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, you'd be my nursemaid. Oh I know.." he waved Hutch silent, "I'm getting' better. That's what they tell me  but it fuckin'  hurts Hutch! These exercises they make me do...and I'm not gonna get better suddenly. I ain't gonna wake up one morning and suddenly be 100%,  it's gonna be a long, hard road. No, please..." he indicated to Hutch again to keep quiet. "I'm gonna do it blintz! I'm obviously not meant to die yet and I won't try anythin' again. Believe me I am gonna fight to get back to normal, and I love ya for bein' here but I'm not gonna move home with ya! Ya said ya had some money, perhaps another nursing home, or rehabilitation centre, just until I'm fully  mobile again... It would only be a loan too, just to get me back on my feet. I'm sure there's a better place than Country Meadows." Starsky waited for the
explosion, which surprisingly didn't come.
 
"You finished Starsk? Do I get my say now?" Starsky nodded, but he had no intention of losing this battle.
 
"Right! Miscommunication stuffed us up before, and it's not going to do it again. I'm going to say this as clearly as I can and I will  repeat it as many times as it takes to get through to you.  You are the most stubborn bastard I've ever met! But you've lost this battle of wills buddy! 'Cause I'm now fighting for something I value more than my own life, and you may as well give in. I know you don't want to, so just  listen..." he paused for a breath and looked straight into Starsky's eyes.
 
"I thought you told me to go. I never would have gone if I hadn't thought that. However much the guilt tore me apart, I would have been there and you never would have had to suffer Country Meadows. By the way, that  place is being investigated and
if it isn't closed down officially, I'll be paying them a  visit". Hutch was only half joking, but he knew the investigation was proceeding and there was plenty of evidence piling up against the medical staff there. A certain orderly named John Martin, was proving to be very helpful in gathering evidence against the nursing home.
 
"Anyway, to use your own words, it happened! We can't change it but you listen to me, you are NOT going anywhere near a place like that again, nor any type of nursing home,  not  while I have breath in my body. Burden? I have one question for you, but I  don't want you to answer as I already know the answer. What  would you do if  it was me lying in that bed?" He shook his head at Starsky who was about to speak. "No, you've had your turn! I'm gonna be home with you, like it or  not! You and me, Starsk, me and thee! I'm probably going to have to learn to do things to help you, and you're going to have to learn to accept my help, but we'll get there buddy. I don't care how long it takes and this  nonsense about me having a normal life? When has my life ever been normal? Not since we became partners."

Starsky had to grin at that. He could see that Hutch wasn't going to back down and  although he wasn't totally comfortable with it, he could see that this battle was lost. Hadn't he always  leaned on Hutch  in the past? Hutch had been his strength and support after Gunther's  shooting. What was the difference? He'd been incapacitated pretty badly after that. Hutch watched Starsky thinking, he'd always had such an expressive face.
 
"I'm going to see the doctor to get your marching orders!" Hutch hid a grin as he left the room.
 
Starsky also grinned to himself. Maybe Hutch was right after all, they could get through this together. He never thought he would see his home again and more importantly, he never thought he would have time to be with his best friend. There was a
reason why his request to die was denied and, for the first time, Starsky was truly thankful that for whatever reason, the morphine didn't kill him. God knew that both men needed each other and that taking one would just  mean He would have to come back for the other one soon. Besides, the world  still needed  little Hutchinsons and little Starskys to be created.
 
The remaining serious topic they needed to discuss, was Starsky's suicide attempt. Hutch wasn't seriously worried that he'd do it again but he was a little concerned about who'd helped him with the morphine. They talked about it after Starsky was settled in bed, his own bed, that night. Hutch intended to sublet his apartment until Starsky was up and about and he'd  taken some  time to put it right again, after the long neglect.
 
"Hutch, I found a friend in that hell hole. A friend who treated me like a human being. It doesn't matter who he was. I could tell you who it was, but I don't want you goin' after him blintz. He was kind to me, and treated me like I was still someone, which is more than the others did!" Hutch was torn. He was grateful that Starsky had found someone to care for him during his stay but the fact remained, a member of the nursing staff had given him a morphine overdose.
 
"Hutch, I ain't gonna do it again, if that's what's worryin'  you!" Hutch decided he had to let it go. The person had really saved Starsky's life, and his own.  The dream he'd had that night had been so vivid, the  dream where  Starsky was calling to him for help. Had it been a coincidence? It had got him to the nursing home in time and Starsky was now well and  truly on the road to recovery. It would still  be a long road, but his  Starsky was back. Yes, he had to let it go and just be thankful for the kindness  that was shown to his partner and best friend. They had both been granted yet  another chance, and he wasn't going to jeopardise that in any  way.Starsky would  recover, as would Hutch, but only in having each other would  that be possible.
 
Country Meadows doors were closed for good and many of the  nurses that worked at the home lost their licenses to practice. All of the residents were placed into other facilities where they were provided with much better care. When Starsky tried
to find out what happened to John Martin, he found that he'd moved to Canada. Hutch realised then that it must have been John who'd helped Starsky, but he never raised it with Starsky again. Actually, Starsky was a hero once more. If it had not
been for  his actions, for whatever his reasons, all the innocent patients would still be suffering  at the hands of the Country Meadows staff.
 
At long last, both Starsky and Hutch were home, not only physically but emotionally too. Yes, they had both fallen, but the pieces were coming back together. One would not survive without the other. Once again they would both be whole.
 
 
 

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