Starsky still hadn't remembered anything about the day he had gotten shot. I knew that eventually he would remember

everything that had happened that day.

He would need to talk about it and work through it...........but to say that I was dreading that day would have been the

understatement of the year.

I really hoped that he would stay unaware of what had happened to him at least until he was feeling a whole lot better.

Because with all the different medications he was on he sometimes had trouble absorbing everything that was going on around

him.

And he still got so sick at times from those pills.

He needed me to be there for him physically but just as important he needed me to be there for all the emotional highs and

lows that he had to deal with each new day.

One minute he would be climbing to the top of the world and the next .................sinking down into the deepest depths of

despair.

"Oh, Hutch, look at what's left of me."

"I can't even walk across the room or go to the bathroom without your help."

"My insides still feel like a "tossed salad."

"God, if it weren't for you keeping me here with you, I'd be in some Rehab Center hospice........tucked away waiting for my

body to decide whether it wanted to give up or if it wanted to get better."

"Aww, Buddy, that would have never happened to you, you know that I wouldn't let it."

"My partner belongs here with me." "You know that."

..................The love and compassion that I felt for this man who had such a struggle ahead of him........truly only God himself

could possibly know and understand.......................................

"Hutch, what's gonna happen to me now?"

He buried his head in my chest and his shaking hands sought out mine.............needing to be held...........needing me to hold

unto him.

To fight for his life with him and for him.

Together we would fight off the demons of despair, pain and weiryness.

But still, there was little that I could say to him, he knew the score as well as I did and in all the years that we've known each

other we've always been honest with each other. I had no easy answers and no quick fixes this time to make this right.

I gave of myself hoping it would be enough.

..............................................................................
.................

..............................................................................
.................

I had been watering my plants in the greenhouse and was headed back inside for more water when out of habit I glanced over

at the couch to check on Starsky.

His face looked paler than usual and his eyes were glued to the TV screen. There was such a look of horror on his face, that I

put down the watering can and hurried over to him.

I knelt down in front of him on the couch.

"Starsk, what's wrong, what did you see?"

What are you watching?"

I glanced at the TV screen, but caught only the end of a video clip, but I recognized the TV reporter and too late, much to late

realized what the clip was about. The reporter was explaining to his TV audience that this show was called, "High Profile

Crimes in Our City."

Oh, God.............Damn it to hell.

I caught the briefest glimpse of Parker Center's underground police garage...............yellow crime tape surrounded the

torino.........dark stains were clearly visible covering the ground around and under the car...........Starsky's blood..............

I turned my attention to my partner who was white as a sheet, his face still transfixed on the screen.

"Oh God, Hutch, Oh God, I do remember it now, I remember what happened that day."

"I couldn't get out of the way fast enough............couldn't draw my gun.............I saw the gun they had........I heard you yell for

me to GET DOWN!............There was just no where to go."

"I knew I was hit..........the bullets slammed into me...........once.........then again and again."

"My legs wouldn't hold me up any longer."

"My chest was starting to burn and I couldn't see too well, I couldn't make my eyes focus on anything."

"All I knew was that something was pressing down hard on my chest, so hard that I couldn't breathe...........and my mouth

tasted of blood............."

"Oh, God Hutch, I knew that I had been shot, but everything was really getting dark and fuzzy around the edges."

"The pressure on my chest was crushing the life out of me."

"I was choking.........and I couldn't breathe anymore."

"I remember I thought about you." ........"And I was so scared."

"Be ok, Hutch........please be ok...........and know that I love you..........and I remember thinking that I didn't mean to die on

you like this cause there was so much more that we still wanted to do........."

"The last thing that I remember was trying to call out to you but my voice didn't work anymore."
 
 

..............................................................................
.........
 

I knew that I had to let him talk, had to let him finish, but it was almost killing me to live this nightmare again and this time

through Starsky's eyes.

He stopped talking and began to shake all over.

I got him into a semi-sitting position on the couch and sat down beside him and gathered him up in my arms.

I began to rock him back and forth, back and forth, and at the same time groped around on the couch for the TV's remote

control.

I found it and turned the damn thing off.

My arms were now full of a very frightened Starsky.

He had his hands over his eyes.

His heart was beating wildly in his chest.

I held him close to me........stroked back through his now sweaty curls.

The next thing I knew he was holding on to me for all he was worth.

"Hutch, don't let go of me, not just yet."

I touched my forehead against his.

"Buddy, I'm here and I'm not letting go of you."

"God, I am so sorry Babe, so sorry."

"But it's gonna be ok.........you are going to get through this.........you need to believe that and I promise I will be with you

every step of the way..........."

"Kay", he said to me.

Suddenly he was struggling to sit up............"Hutch, I think I'm gonna be sick."

I grabbed for the waste basket beside the couch........just in time.

He got sick over and over again until there was nothing left to come up.

Each time he got sick his fingers would tighten around my arm.

Finally, mercifully it stopped.

He fell back against me again. He was trembling uncontrollably.

I yanked the afghan off the back of the couch and wrapped him up in it.

I lost track of how long I held him like this.

He was almost asleep.

He needed to be in bed. He needed sleep.

The trauma of recalling the shooting had taken it's toll on him.

 
...........................................................................
 

I wanted nothing more than to crush the life out of James Gunther with my bare hands.....................................................

I crawled  into bed with Starsky.........made him as comfortable as I possibly could with a pillow behind his back and one

under his left side.

He was starting to shake again.

I laid next to him using my own body to warm his cold one.

His left hand reached for mine and I took hold of it.

He was so cold.

The blood thinner that he had to take to prevent post-operative blood clots caused him to have chills.

He looked up at me.

"Hutch, I'm so cold and it hurts, it hurts all everywhere."

He squeezed his eyes shut but not before a single tear slid down his face.

I brushed it away with my thumb and I felt my own eyes sting from the salt of my own tears.

It hurt me so much to see him this way.

................Please Starsky, don't hurt so much..........please...........

I laid as close to him as I possibly could without hurting him more.

I pulled up the blankets and comforter from the bottom of the bed to cover him up.

I slowly and carefully stroked his shoulders, his neck, his back, his chest and stomach..............and even through numerous

layers of covers I could tell  how thin he had gotten.

Finally the shaking stopped and his body was slowly warming up.

He desperately needed sleep and just as much needed some peace tonight.

......................And I needed some help.............God's help..............

I prayed to God that night to deliver us out of these depths of despair.

I asked Him to give me the strength that I needed to help my partner get his life back.

I think he must have felt safe here with me.

His fingers tightened around my arm which was laying across his chest.  He looked up into my eyes and for the very first time

in a very long time, I was rewarded with a weary smile from a very tired

Starsky.

With the little strength that he had left in him before sleep was to claim him he said, "Thanks Blondie, thank you for loving me

so much, I think I can go to sleep now."

My friend and I are going to be ok, because we have help from a  higher source than ourselves.

The "Me and Thee" team has a silent but all powerful partner.

We had God on our side and with that knowledge  and our faith in him and in each other I fell into a peaceful sleep alongside

my partner and best friend.................

The End