"WHERE THE HEART IS"
Captain Dobey's office......................
It was already past 10am and I had missed my usual morning visit with
my partner.
The Captain had asked me to sit in on a meeting with two visiting SFPD
police lieutenants. Apparently they were seeking the BCPD's help with one
of their cases and Starsky and I had been the detectives working
the case from this end.
But this wasn't sitting well with me at all because I always made a point to be at the hospital in the morning when Starsky woke up and that's where I should be now. Not here.
I didn't even know what good I was doing anyway, because my mind and my heart was at Memorial Hospital and Room 519.
I tried to pay attention to the conversations going on around me but it was a losing battle.
I knew how much Starsky looked forward to my morning visits with him, a hospital is a very lonely place to be when you are also in as much pain as I knew my partner was. And he was still so afraid. I had to get out of here.
I would try to time my visit so that I could help him with his breakfast.
If I was there I could usually get him to eat most of it.
He had lost so much weight that he could not afford to skip a meal.
I was about to ask just how much longer this meeting was going to take when the telephone on the Captain's desk rang.
The Captain picked up the phone, listened for a few seconds and looked over at me to get my attention.
"Hutch, it's for you, it's Starsky's Doctor."
My entire body went ice cold. I grabbed the phone from the Captain's hands.
"Hutchinson here, Dr. Kellerman?, What's wrong?, What's happened?, What's
wrong with Starsk!?"
I heard myself snap out the questions one after the other.
Dr. Kellerman came on the line, "Ken, take it easy, David is going to be all right."
"What do you mean he's going to be ALL RIGHT!?"
"What the hell happened?!"
"What's wrong!?"
Dr. Kellerman broke in.
"You remember we started David on that new medicine last night, well
I'm afraid he has had a really bad reaction to it."
"He started having trouble breathing a couple of hours ago so I've
stopped the medicine." "I have him on some oxygen so he can breathe easier
until the drug is out of his system."
I exploded.................."A couple of HOURS and I am just NOW getting a phone call!"
"Damn it!".........I heard myself screaming into the phone.
"Ken, I promise you, it was not as bad as it sounds, not life threatening,
and I suspect it scared him more than anything else."
I assure you David is not in any danger and his breathing is almost
back to normal........I've got him on the oxygen more or less as a precaution."
"I called you as soon as I was sure David was stable."
"But he was asking for you so I called you, but I had to take care of David first."
"I'm really sorry it took so long for me to call you."
I needed to calm down, I was mad at the wrong person.
(James Gunther, may you burn in Hell)
(Oh, God, Starsk, the one visit I miss and this happens to you, I am so sorry buddy, I should have been there for you, I should have been with you.)
"Ken", I heard the Dr.'s voice speaking to me, "Are you still there?"
"Yea, look Dr. Kellerman, I'm sorry I went off like that, it's just that...................."
"Ken you have nothing to apologize for." "But he'll be fine."
I knew then and there that this was the last time for a long time that the BCPD would take my focus away from Starsky when he needed me and while he was as hurt and sick as he was.
.................."Doc, please tell him I'll be there as fast as I can,
make sure he understands that."
"I'm leaving now."
"Ken, I will tell him and I'll be here when you get here."
I hung up the phone.
"I gotta get to the hospital."
Captain Dobey nodded.
"Hutch is Starsky OK?"
"No, I mean yes, oh shit, I don't know what I mean, he's had a very bad reaction to some medicine and he was having trouble breathing, they've got him on oxygen until the drug wears off."
I turned around to leave but one of the SFPD lieutenants blocked the doorway.
"Sargeant Hutchinson, we're not through here yet."
(Yes we are) I thought to myself.
Outloud I said, "Oh yes we are, we're through all right
and either you get out of my way or I'll go right through you, I really
don't care which."
"I am going to the hospital where I should have been all along."
"Nothing and no one had better try to stop me."
The Lieutenant moved away from the door.
I'm sure he could read the barely controlled fury in my eyes.
"And just one more thing, I WON'T be back."
"I should have been at the hospital with my partner this morning."
I looked at Captain Dobey, "Captain, I......................"
He nodded, "Hutch I understand, go to the hospital, and call me later and tell me how he is."
"Thanks Captain", I said.
I ran out of the building taking the steps two at a time racing to get to my car.
I got behind the wheel. My hand was shaking as I jammed the key into the ignition.
Nothing happened.
START DAMN YOU!
START!
Don't do this to me, NOT NOW!
I hit the steering wheel with the palm of my left hand in frustration.
The second time I tried the car started.
I slammed the gear shift into Drive and pushed the accelerator to the floor.
(Starsk, I'm coming, buddy I'm coming)
With one hand on the wheel I used my other hand to slap the red light on the roof of the car and activated the siren.
....................
....................
Suddenly a past memory flashed before my eyes.............
Another day, another time, nearly two months ago now............
.....................
.....................
"Captain, How's he doing?" I asked as I absently bounched a ping pong ball in my hands.
"Hutch, I think you better get down here."
"Hutch?".....................
.................
.................
If I live to be a hundred I will never forget that frantic drive I made
to this very same hospital.
I shook my head to clear it.
Take it easy Hutchinson, this is not two months ago.
He's gonna be all right, he just had a bad reaction to the drug...........it's
not like the last time.....................
..........................
..........................
When I got to the hospital I didn't take the time to look for a parking space, I stopped the car in front of the main entrance. I put the car in park, grabbed the keys out of the ignition and ran into the hospital and up the stairs to Room 519.
I almost ran into Dr. Kellerman who was standing just inside of my partner's room.
"Whoa, Ken, slow down son", His Doctor said to me.
"He's doing ok, heart rate is good, blood pressure is just slightly
elevated, I think he's still more scared then anything."
I walked past the Doctor and over to my partner's bed and lowered the safety rail.
He had an oxygen mask on and at first I thought that he was asleep, but at the sound of my voice his eyes blinked open searching for me.
He tried to lift his right hand to reach for mine but didn't have the strength. I sat on the edge of the bed as close to him as I possibly could without disturbing all the tubes and IV's that he was hooked up to.
I picked up his hand that was reaching for mine and held it so he had
contact with me. I ran my other hand back through his hair.
His curls were soaked in sweat. He tried to push the oxygen mask away
from his face but Dr. Kellerman stopped him.
"David, you have to leave that on for now son, just for a little while longer."
I could tell he wanted to talk to me.
"Starsk, don't try to talk, just rest." "I'm here now, right here."
"It's gonna be ok."
The fingers on his right hand weakly squeezed mine. His eyes were pleading with me for answers.
Suddenly it occurred to me that he probably didn't know what was happening to him.
I turned my head to look at his Doctor.
"Doc, does he understand what happened?"
Dr. Kellerman said, "Ken, I talked to him but because he is scared and pumped so full of pain killers, I'm not so sure he understands, he probably doesn't."
"Let me talk to him, Doc."
"Starsky, Starsk?............Hey buddy, look at me..........Starsk?"
I watched his face until I was sure that I had his attention or as much as he was capable of giving me with the many drugs he had running through his body.
He tried once again to push the oxygen mask away.
I gently pushed his hand away from it.
"Starsk, don't." "You have to leave that on for a little while longer."
His eyes were still searching for answers.
I decided to take it slow, "Buddy, you remember the new medicine the Dr. started you on last night?"
I waited to see if he seemed to understand what I had just said.
He slowly nodded his head.
"Well Babe, it seems like you had kind of a bad reaction to it."
"Thats why you were having trouble breathing, and that's the reason for the oxygen mask."
"Dr. Kellerman has you on oxygen just until the drug wears off."
I ran my hand back through his sweat drenched curls pushing them away from his forehead.
"And that won't be for much longer."
"Right, Doc?"
"That's right, David." said Dr. Kellerman. "It won't be much longer, you're doing just fine."
I watched Starsky closely and saw him begin to relax.
I stood up with the intention of getting a wet cloth to cool him down with, but I guess he thought I was leaving because he reached for me and a weak moan escaped his throat.
I quickly sat back down. "Starsk, I'm only going to go get a wet cloth
to cool you down with." "I am not going to leave you."
(Damn, you are still so scared, and I wasn't here when you needed me)
I hurried to the bathroom and hastily wet a cloth bringing it back to his bed, I gently wiped his face and eyes, his forehead and his neck and pushed a sweaty curl away from his forehead.
His eyes never left my face.
"That feel better, partner?"
He nodded at me.
"Starsk, I am so sorry, I should have been here with you."
"But, I am here now and I'm not going back to the station."
"I think that this is as good a time as any for me to take that leave of absence."
"You just rest now, I'll be right here when you wake up."
He squeezed my hand and tears of gratitude and relief seeped out of his very tired blue eyes.
..............
..............
I sat with Starsky and stroked his hair with one hand and he held onto my other hand, he needed that constant contact with me.
It wasn't long before he was fast asleep and Dr. Kellerman removed the oxygen mask.
Starsky's breathing was back to normal and he was sleeping peacefully.
I reached for the phone on the table beside my partner's bed and made the call to Captain Dobey as promised.
He was relieved to hear that Starsky was all right.
And I told him that as of today, I was taking a leave of absence.
I am right here where I should be.......................
I am where my heart is.................in Room 519.
The End