Driving out of the hospital parking lot after my visits with Starsky had always been depressing to me.
Each trip away from the hospital the last two months was hell for me...for it meant I was leaving Starsky in there in that small hospital bed......all I could think of was how long it would be before I could get back to my friend.
I felt so alone, I'd find myself turning my head more than once to say something to my partner, but only an empty passenger seat greeted me each time.
I always felt like half of my heart was missing; hell, it was missing...
....like the better part of myself wasn't there.
But today was different, today I was bringing Starsky home after those long and agonizing months of the pain, the fear, and the desperation, and finally, thank God, hope for our future again. My partner had lived, so if I am'His Angel' then he is 'My Miracle'..........
............
Captain Dobey's wife Edith had told me that was how she saw the two of us whenever she came to visit with Starsky while he was in the hospital.
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................
I tried to pay special attention to my driving, avoiding the many potholes and bumps in the roadway as I possibly could. I knew how much my partner still hurt. Anytime I hit a bump that I couldn't avoid I could see the waves of pain wash over him as the car jolted his stitched up body.
He would squeeze my hand a little bit harder and his eyes would close for a few seconds
As careful as I was trying to be the short trip home was causing him additional pain.
The ride home was a quiet one.
I drove onehanded most of the way.
Starsky had reached out his hand to me and I had held that 'alive and warm' hand in my own, reveling in the knowledge that I had Starsky back with me.
But he was so pale, so tired looking, my heart ached for him.
And we were about to begin what was surely to be a long and hard journey to recovery.
His Doctor had made it very clear to us, the next few months and maybe even longer would be very, very hard ones.
Starsky and I already had some long talks about this day.......
There had been another option (although I knew only one option would work for me).........
His health insurance would pay for a full-time nurse to stay with him until he was more mobile.
No way would I trust Starsky to some stranger, not as long as I lived and breathed on this earth.
But it had taken me a while to make Starsk understand that taking care of him was a privilege for me; that taking care of him could never be a burden.......love is never a burden.......
(Reminds me of a song I heard once, something about, 'Loves The Only
House Big Enough For All The Pain In This World'
........
I had come so close to losing Starsky that caring for him now was a blessing to me.
Memories of that fateful day still haunted my waking hours and gave me many sleepless nights.
Taking care of Starsky was my way of thanking God for not taking him away from me......for giving my best friend back to me....
.........I don't know how to explain it........but I am just where I want to be, with my partner, 'Me and Thee'........
..........
..........
We were home.
I pulled up to the house, turned off the engine and looked over at my partner.
He already looked to be half-asleep.
The short drive home from the hospital had tired him out.
I reached over the seat and gently rubbed my partner's shoulder.
He slowly turned his head to look at me.
His eyes were wet with barely concealed tears, he looked so defeated and so weary.
"I made it, Hutch, I'm still alive....I'm really here."
Then he looked away from me and ever so quietly said.......
"For what it's worth anyway"......
(Oh, God Buddy....are you questioning the fact that you are alive?)
"Hey, hey Buddy."
"Babe, listen to me."
"Starsky look at me, please, Starsk?"
He slowly lifted his head and turned to look at me.
"For what it's worth", I said to him.
"I'll tell you 'what it is worth', it is worth the world to me, YOU are worth the world to me."
"Starsky 'I' need 'you', need you so much that it scares the hell out of me sometimes."
"We've just been through the worst two months of our lives, gone through a living hell; you for all the obvious reasons and my reasons well, Starsk you know what you mean to me, I just love you so much......I don't know what I would have done if........."
I needed to get myself under control for the both of us.
"We need each other partner, so I don't want to hear anymore talk like that from you."
"Starsk....you listening to me?"
"Me and Thee.", that hasn't changed, that never will."
"Yea, I hear ya Blondie."
"I didn't mean to say I'm not glad I made it, but I am really scared Hutch, I am really scared and I'm just so damn tired."
"Starsk, I know that you are scared and you have every reason to be."
"But together we will get through this just like we always have, I promise you that."
I got out of the car and walked around to the passenger side of the car and opened the door for Starsky.
I reached into the car to help Starsky out of the seat.
It hurt him to just swing his legs out of the car and attempt to stand up.
I reached around the back of the seat and put my arm under his left arm and let him grip my right arm with his own and with my help he was able to get up out of the car.
The look on his face told me the effort it took for him to do that and that ever present look of pain in his eyes was back.
"Easy buddy, just stand right here for a minute and rest."
"You take all the time you need."
"I know it hurts, Babe......."
"Oh Hutch, It still feel like my insides are all rearranged, it hurts like hell."
"But I'm trying Hutch, I really am."
"Partner, I know you are, and you are doing just fine."
We made our way ever so slowly up the stairs to the apartment.
I had to stop twice just to let Starsky catch his breath.
That patched together lung of his was still giving him a fit and he seemed to always be battling for each new breath.......any kind of exertion put a tremendous strain on his respiration.
I opened the door to the apartment and I helped a grateful and very worn out partner to the couch.
"Don't want to lay down in bed just yet Hutch, that's all I've been doing for the last two months, just want to lay here on the couch and look at things, things I never thought I would see again........."
His voice was shaking and I knew that his emotions were beginning to overwhelm him, sometimes the mixture of the medications he was on and the reality of the shooting just got to much for him. And in addition to that he looked awfully tired.
I would have preferred having him go straight to bed, but especially now after all he has been through I could no more say no to him then I could stop breathing.
I helped Starsky to get comfortable on the couch, taking off his shoes and helping getting his legs up on the couch.
I put a pillow under his legs to take the strain off of his stomach and chest.....the stitches wouldn't pull as much with his legs elevated.
Placing a couple of pillows under his back and shoulders helped him to be as comfortable as possible.
"Starsk, how's that partner, feel ok?"
"Feels great, Hutch, I'm just fine."
"Please don't worry so much, I'm not gonna break or something."
"Babe, I know that, but please let me do this for you, please let me take care of you."
"I love you Blondie, God how did I every get so lucky."
"Starsk I am the one that feels lucky."
I ran a hand through his now too long curls.
I went to the refrigerator to get both of us a drink, myself a coke and Starsky a rootbeer.
He took the drink and sipped it slowly all the while looking around the room.
"I guess those little plants I had in the little cups on the window sill are long gone by now."
"Think again partner, look out on the patio."
I opened the door so he could get a clear view.
Hanging from four separate pots were four thriving plants.
"Hey, you didn't let them die."
"Nope, figured you wouldn't want Ignacius's offspring to croak."
"They got too big for the cups you had them in so I put them in those pots."
"Hutch what would I do without you looking after me."
"You took care of everything."
"It was my pleasure Starsk."
"Taking care of this place made me feel a little closer to you when I couldn't be with you at the hospital."
"Hutch you talk anymore 'mush talk' like that and I am gonna bawl like a baby."
I watched Starsky look around the room like this was the first time he had seen the place.
I guess almost dying like he did makes you think about the little things that you didn't see before.
..........
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After eating a light lunch I gave Starsky his dose of pain medication and talked him into getting out of his clothes and into his pajamas.
We would wait for a bath until the morning, he was much to tired right now to do anything but sleep.
He tried so hard to help me get him changed but finally gave up when the tiredness and the pain caught up with him all at once.
"Let me do that for you partner, you need to rest, it's been a long day for you."
I got no protest from my friend, he just smiled at me and said....
"Thanks Blondie for everything."
I helped him get comfortable in his bed, covered him up and started to leave the room when a sleepy, drug slurred voice asked me.
"My bed feels really good, doesn't hurt my back at all."
"What did ya do to the mattress.......it's different somehow.....or am I just so drugged up I'm dreaming it feels so good........"
Sitting down on the side of the bed I looked down at this precious man.........
"Your doctor suggested I get one of those egg crate mattress things they use in the hospital, said it would make you more comfortable."
"Thaatsss jussst terri...terrific."
"Starsky lost his battle to stay awake."
...........
...........
How long I just sat there watching him breathe, watching him sleep I
don't know, but I knew that for the first time in over two long and agonizing
months that my heart was at home at last............
The End