By Linda C. (Huskyandstarch@aol.com)
& Kathy Kellenberger
 
 

Chapter 4

It was not an easy morning.  I felt so helpless knowing I could not ease Starsky's  pain at all and he was so nervous.  A couple times I looked next to me to see my partner sweating and trying to regulate his breathing to calm his anxiety and pain.  He was trying so hard.  I feared he might pass out and was so thankful when the judge let us out for lunch.

"Recess, until 2pm."

"Hey partner, we've got two hours, how about we get ourselves a little lunch?"

"Yeah, all right, but Hutch not anywhere around here ok?  I don't want to run into any of those reporters.  I don't want to have to talk to them."

I understood where my partner was coming from, he just wanted to be left alone.

"I tell you what Starsk,  how about we drive over to 'Danny's Deli Delights' and get ourselves a couple of sandwiches?  We can eat them in the park, sit in the car and watch the ducks, maybe even buy them a sandwich too.  You always like to feed them, how's that sound?"

"Yea, I think that would be nice, but I really need to go first."

"Where?…Oh, you mean to the Men's room...yeah sure.  We'll head there first."

I could see Starsky was having difficulty getting up from his seat in the courtroom, he was stiff from sitting so long and most likely in quite a bit of pain.  He tried to get up from his seat but a spasm hit him hard.  He tried to hide the pain from me, but was not able.  I saw his eyes go closed and heard him moan.

"Oh, God Hutch, that hurt...damn it hurts."

I waited for him to try to get up again…he so wanted his independence back.  I couldn't stand seeing him struggle and this time I put both of my arms under his shoulders and lifted him out of the seat. With him holding onto my arms he managed to stand up, although it still took him a few minutes to straighten up all the way.  He had his eyes squeezed shut and I knew he was trying to fight off the pain tearing away at his insides.  God, how I wished I could give him one his "Magic Pills" to take some of this pain away.  He was not allowed to take aspirin because of the blood thinner's he was taking, and the doctor explained how important the blood thinner's were, so he was left with nothing to even dull the pain.

"You, ok Starsk?"

He slowly opened his eyes and looked into mine.

"It's as good as it gets, Blondie."  He smiled at me and shook his head.  "I think I can make it ...but remember that shoulder you said I could always lean on?  I sure could use it now."

The anguish in his eyes spoke volumes to me.  Just how much he needed me, not just physically but emotionally.  We slowly made our way to the Men's room and my partner did use my shoulder to lean on.  I was glad to be there for him.  We both used the facilities.  I washed my hands, and turned to Starsky to see if he needed any help.  He had a funny look on his face and he was holding onto the basin with both hands.  He started making choking sounds and I knew he was going to be sick.  I quickly stood behind him, holding him and rubbing his back, as he threw up in the sink.  There was so little I could do but hang on to him until his stomach had emptied all of its contents.

"Hey,buddy, try to take it easy now, you feeling any better?"

I knew the heaving only caused him more pain.  I handed him a wet paper towel to wipe his face, steadying him with my other hand.  I didn't want to let go of him.  He was trembling from his recent bout of nausea and appeared too shaky to stand on his own.  He wiped his face with the towel and leaned against me for a minute or so to try to get himself together.  He slowly straightened up, shaking his head back and forth.  I could feel his fear and see his frustration.

"Oh, God, Hutch...I just don't know if I can go through with this.  I'm trying not to let it get to me but look at me, I'm a mess, a pathetic mess."

"Aw Babe, you're not a mess and you can do this.  I'm going to be with you every step of the way, you know that."  I wiped at his tears that were beginning to fall.  "Most people wouldn't have the courage to do what you are doing and to go through what you already have.  I'm so proud of you, partner. Think you can eat something now?  There is still plenty of time."

"I don't know Hutch, but I'll try and I like the idea of eating in the park.  You know, I haven't seen the ducks since I got shot.  Do you think there might be a Mama duck with babies this time of the year?"

"Oh Starsk,  I don't know but there's one way to find out.  Lets go get some lunch buddy."

It did my heart an immeasurable amount of good to know that Gunther's bullets hadn't destroyed the little boy in my partner.  I silently thanked God for that.

.....................................

Chapter 5

Starsky and I stopped by Danny’s Deli Delights and bought three sandwiches and two drinks to go. We drove to the park and I pulled the car as close as I could to the duck pond where the birds always seemed to congregate.

Before Starsky was shot we would have parked and then walked to the edge of the water where the ducks were. There we would sit down on the grass Indian style and I would just enjoy watching my partner tearing off pieces of bread that he had bought from the bread store.  He loved feeding the ducks.  Such a simple thing as this made his eye’s light up, and for that moment in time all the cares of the world, all of the dark and ugly aspects of our jobs would fade away, if only for a few minutes out of the day.  Dear, God, that seemed like a lifetime ago… had it really been that long?  Would those simple pleasures ever be ours again?  I silently prayed that they would.

Starsky would lose himself, be a kid of ten again, how I wished I could do the same, it always seemed to revitalize him and no matter how rotten the job seemed at the time, these times helped make the world a little brighter once again.  It always did wonders for my partner, he would laugh and smile and relax again.  When I saw Starsky like this my world was brighter too.

..........

I looked over at Starsky today, now too weak to even walk the short distance to the edge of the pond,
not even able to stand up for more than a few minutes at a time without help.  The best we could do was sit in the car and watch the birds from here.  I walked around to the passenger side of the car and opened up the door so he could get a good view of the duck pond.  I sat on the ground in front of the open car door when I felt Starsky's hand on my shoulder.

"Hey Hutch, aren't they pretty...here, take this sandwich and tear it into little pieces for them.  Make sure you make the pieces little so they can all have some, ok?"

I looked up at my partner.  His eyes were lit up like a little boy.  I had been right in coming to the park for lunch, this was acting like medicine for him, helping him forget about the trial for a while and maybe, just maybe relaxing like this would make the pain he was in ease off a bit.  Anything was worth a try.  He shoved the extra sandwich at me.

"Okay… okay…buddy,  I'm doing it."

I started tearing the bread into pieces but felt sad.  I knew how Starsky loved to feed the little birds he loved so much.

"But buddy, you like to feed them."

"Hutch I can't, it hurts too much to move around like that."

He gave me one of his lop-sided grins.  Funny how sad it looked today.  I then realized he didn't have the strength to lift his arms to throw the bread to the ducks, it would hurt him too damn much.

"Aw Starsk."

 Damn, I wish... God how I hated James Gunther right  now.  Once again he had won, taking something away from Starsky,  such a simple pleasure as feeding the ducks.

"It's ok Hutch, let's just enjoy the moment...Hey Blondie, the ducks are waiting…Hutch?"

"Ok Starsk.”  I began to throw the crumbs out to the ducks.

“Hey Hutch, look over there!"

There was excitement and delight in my partner's voice, something rare these days, but it certainly sounded good to me. I looked in the direction he was looking.

"Look, there, see...there’s a mama duck and look at all the babies!”

"They're ducklings, Starsk."

Starsky counted up to twelve and looked over at me.

"How does she do it, I mean keep track of all of them?"

I laughed out loud, damn it felt good to laugh again.

"I wouldn't know partner."

For a few brief, precious moments the world belonged to Starsky and

me and a mama duck and her babies.

...........

He drank his soda but barely touched his sandwich. He knew we had to go back in a few minutes to court.  Knowing he wouldn’t be able to  eat the sandwich, I stopped at a mini market  and bought him a protein shake.  It wasn't much but at least it had vitamins and minerals, and he needed some nourishment.

Starsky took the drink and finished it off.  He knew better than to object to drinking it.  At least he would have something in his stomach.  I was afraid he would really need it.  These days I tried anything at all to get some nourishment into him.  Strasky handed me the empty can.

"Thanks partner, I'm sorry that I'm such a mess, but I don't think that I would have been able to eat the sandwich.”

"I know Starsk,  I know."

I reached over to pat his shoulder.

.........

We returned to our seats in the courthroom, and once again I witnessed my partner turning more pale by the minute.  He couldn't help but see Gunther from where we were sitting and  it really
un-nerved him.  I put my arm around his shoulders and didn't give a damn if everyone in the courtroom saw me, my friend needed me, and I needed my friend more than he could ever know.

The court was reconvened and the District Attorney read the charges to the jury.

“The State of California VS James M. Gunther.”

The charges were read:

“Attemped murder of two police officers.  Premeditated murder in the 1st degree.  Maiming of one police officer with the intent to kill.    Conspiracy to commit murder and murder for hire.”

As the charges were being read I watched Starsky closely.  His hands were trembling and the expressions on his face told me he was rapidly losing his ability to cope with these proceedings any more today.  He was exhausted, and he was in pain.  I placed my free hand over his and squeezed it.

(I'm here buddy, I'm here)

He looked over at me and attempted a smile that wasn't quite successful.  God, how I wanted to get him out of here and get him some relief from the pain.  The look on his face spoke volumes to me, the pain was bad and I could tell he was feeling sick.   He needed to be at home, not in some damn courtroom facing the man who nearly ended his life.  He needed the pain medication he had been forced to go all day without.  He was reaching the limit on what he could tolerate.

Thankfully the court was recessed until tomorrow morning.  I helped Starsky out of his seat, he was  shaky,  and with one arm around his waist and the other under his arm, we left the court room to go home.  I was worried about him, he wasn't well enough for this, but there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.  We walked out onto the courthouse steps and into the bright sunshine.
 
 

CHAPTER 6

We left the courthouse after the first day's trial proceedings and...  Well, what happened next was my fault, I should have known better.  Although there was a police line outside the courthouse, meant to keep the news cameras and reporters at bay, a few of the more adventurous ones slid under the ropes and between the guards.

Before I knew it they were practically on top of Starsky and me.  I had one arm around his waist and my other one firmly under his elbow.  His left hand was clinging to mine, resting on my arm , with his other hand hanging onto me tightly.  Clearly these reporters were unnerving him.   I could feel him tense up even more than he already had been.  My friend was a bundle of nerves.  He was still so weak and in so much agony.  Oh, he tried to be strong and might have fooled some, but I know my partner, when he has pain I have pain.  I was hurting for my friend now.

A microphone and video camera was rudely shoved right in his face by one of the rogue reporters.

I let go of him in an attempt to push the reporter away from him.  Damn reporters!

"Get that damn camera away from him NOW!"

I found myself screaming at the top of my lungs, I was seething with rage.  No one was going to hurt my partner ever again.  He had suffered enough.

At the same time another reporter reached toward Starsky calling his name and tugging on his jacket sleeve, spinning him around to face his camera.  This action took both of us by surprise.

Starsky was backing away from the offending camera when he lost his balance.  I grabbed for him but it was too late...he fell to the ground in a heap.  This brought over more and more reporters and cameras.

"Oh, God, Starsk, Starsky?"

I was frantic.  He was curling up on the ground almost in a fetal position, a low moan escaping him.  He had obviously hurt himself in the fall.  He had one arm around his middle and the other was groping for mine.  I found his and held it.

"Please make them go away Hutch, I can't do this, I can't do this.  Please make them go."

He was almost in tears now, trying to catch his breath.  The color was draining from his already pale face and he was trembling.

I helped him into a sitting position on the bottom steps of the courthouse to give him a little time to calm down and to catch his breath…he was wheezing by now.

"Oh, Hutch…I pulled something, my stomach is killing me.  Please, just get me out of here."

He pleaded with me to take him home.  He wanted to go home.  His breaths were now short and shallow, attempting to calm the sharp pain in his stomach.

"And I think I pulled something in my side.  It hurts…damn it hurts…and I feel sick Hutch, I want to go home, please take me home."

I helped my partner to his feet.  He was now in tears.  I was not sure if  it was from the pain, the trauma of the courtroom, Gunther, the reporters or a combination of them all.  He was not ready for this, but we had no choice.  Gunther needed to be put away and unfortunately both my and Starsky's testimony was needed.

Captain Dobey had bullied his way through the crowd, seeing what had just happened.  He helped me lift Starsky to his feet and to steady him.

Then I saw him.  I saw the reporter that caused Starsky to fall.

"Cap'n, stay with him.  Watch him for a minute."

I tore through the crowd in the direction that I had last seen the reporter.

"Hey You!  Yea, you, I'm talking to you!  You want to pick on someone who ‘can’ fight back?  Pick on me, you bastard!  I don't go down so easily!"

Out of the corner of my eyes I saw the two uniforms quickly making their way through the crowd toward us.  They had seen Starsky fall, and they both knew me.  They knew that I would not let anyone get away with hurting Starsky, however unintentional it had been. Both of them knew me well enough to know just how much I loved my partner and that I was fully capable of ripping this man's head off right here on the steps of the courthouse.

"Come on you bastard!   You want a story, I'll give you one!"

I hauled off and slugged the jerk as hard as I could, then I picked him up from where he had landed on the ground, by his jacket collar and threw him as hard as I could against the steps of the courthouse.

"Don't you ever go near my partner again, do you hear me!"

The reporter scrambled to get away from me, retrieving his camera and other equipment which was scattered on the ground.

I looked up to see the faces, cameras and mikes of the rest of the reporters who were taking in the scene.

"Now, you got your story!"

I turned around and headed back to my partner, on the way trying to calm my boiling temper before I reached Starsky.

Captain Dobey brought the car around for us and had Starsky settled into the front passenger seat of the car.  He was crouching down in front of him, talking to him quietly.  Our superior had become more like a protective father to the both of us since Gunther's attack.  He was so gentle with Starsky, and he let me lean on his shoulder more than once.  Our captain was trying his best to block the view of the courthouse and the reporters from Starsky.

Starsky's head was resting against the seats head rest and his eyes were closed.  He looked flushed and so sick.  I knew he was scared and in pain.  I just wanted to get him home and give him one of his painkillers…calm him down…rub his back…anything.  It tore me apart each time Starksy winced in pain,  got sick or was scared.  I'd be there for my best friend for the rest of his life, and as long as I had breath  he would never be alone or want for anything.  I had to shift gears for my partner, he needed me here and now, and no one else would do.

"Thanks Captain."  I said as he got up from his position in front of Starsky and I kneeled down in front of my partner.  When Starsky heard my voice he opened his eyes.  He looked like a little boy who just fell off of his bike.

"Hutch, I don't know if I can do this, I just don't know if I can."

He reached for my hand and I took it holding it in both of mine.

"You just take it easy partner, I'm going to get you out of here right now, just hang on a few more minutes and we'll be home."

He squeezed my hands a little more and a stray tear or two trickled down his face.  I brushed it away.  Starsky's wounds, although painful, may have been on the mend, but his emotions were still very fragile.   I wondered if my partner would ever feel secure again.

"Please don't leave me Hutch, please just don't leave me alone, I can't do this by myself."

"It's okay buddy, I'm not gonna leave you.  I'll never leave you Starsk.  Never."

I took Starsky into my arms and held him close.  I didn't care who was watching, my friend needed me…and I needed him.  In this brief moment in time I vowed that my friend would never be alone again...we were going to face tomorrow together and all the tomorrow's after that.

I took my friend home.
 
 

CHAPTER 7

I drove away from the courthouse with only one thing on my mind, my partner. He was hurting.  I wanted to get him home as soon as possible, away from the relentless reporters and the prying eyes of the curiosity seekers who had gathered in front of the courthouse.  He needed relief from the pain he’d been in all day long.  It had unnerved me something awful that he had taken that fall because of some news hungry reporter.  He could have really been hurt badly today.  Looking over at my partner sitting in the passenger seat of the car next to me I began to wonder just how Starsky was going to hold up to the grueling schedule that this trial was bound to have.  The longer Gunther's lawyers managed to drag the trial out, the more things could go wrong.  They weren’t stupid.  They knew Starsky was in no condition to be in that courtroom.

"Hey, Buddy, we'll be home in a few minutes, you ok?  Starsk?"

He didn't even open his eyes just nodded his head and let it fall heavily back against the headrest, totally exhausted.  He didn’t have the energy to talk right now, but he reached his hand across the seat and sought out mine.  I drove with one hand on the steering wheel and the other interlaced with Starsky's.  He needed some kind of contact with me, I was his safety zone, his protector and healer.  Damn you Gunther!  I had become his barrier against the outside world and I would continue to safeguard my friend with all that was in me.  As we pulled up into the driveway at home I silently thanked God that at least for now anyway, the reporters and thrill seekers hadn't come out to the house.  For now it was still our sanctuary away from the relentless prying, curious eyes.

"Hey partner, we're home.  Let me help you, Buddy."

Starsky's eyes were barely open by now.  When he heard my voice he took the hand I offered him and ever so slowly eased himself up to get out of the car.  He was in pain  now, as he had been all day long, but I could see that it had intensified since he had fallen outside of the courthouse.

"Oh God…it hurts.  Hutch...my insides feel like they're gonna tear apart.  Isn’t it ever gonna get better?  I don’t think I can get used to living like this."

His eyes were tearing and pleading with me to get him some relief.

"Aw Starsk, you just take it real slow and easy, I want you to lean on me buddy."

I put one arm around his waist and the other under his arm as we made our way inside.  I honestly didn't think he could have walked the short distance from the driveway to the house on his own.  If he had appeared any worse off, I would have had to carry him in from the car.  It would not be the first time.  Sometimes he just couldn’t make it.  He was still so weak, so fragile and the pain had no mercy on my friend.

"Come on partner, let's get you settled."

I started for his bedroom but he stopped me.  He was trying to maintain some dignity and wanted to show me that he had some strength.

"No, Hutch, I want to lay down on the couch for now, ok?"

"I know this sounds crazy but I don't want to be alone.  I need to be wherever you are, ok?
Blondie, I need you with me, please?  I don’t mean to lean on you so heavily.  I just really need you Hutch.  I’m scared.”

"Aw Starsk, you don't ever have to ask me to stay with you.  I’m never leaving.  Just tell me what you need buddy.  I’m here.  You’re gonna get tired of these words, but I promise you’ll never be alone.  We’re in this together Starsk.  I just wish I could take some of your pain for you.  Hell, I wish I could take all of it.”

“Hutch…I’d never want you to have pain like this.  I can take it.”

He gave me a very tired smile that was cut short by the pain that was threatening to take over his body.  I got him to the couch.

"One sec, Buddy."

I went to the counter and spilled out two of his pain pills and got a cold rootbeer from the frig.  I put the pills in his mouth and helped him to steady the rootbeer.  His hands were visably shaking.  He arched his back in a effort to get away from the pain.  God, it hurt seeing him like this.

“Hang on buddy, we need to get you more comfortable.  Let me help ya okay?”

I got him out of his jacket, got his belt off and stooped down to untie his shoes.  I couldn't help but smile at the shoes…only my partner would go to court in a dress suit and tie, wearing Adidas.

"Starsk, lay back now and close your eyes and let the pills work their magic."

With a quilt that I kept folded in a nearby chair I covered him up.

"Thanks, Blondie, I feel a little better already."

"Try to relax, you’ll feel a lot better after you get some sleep.”

His eyes opened up wide to look at me.

"Hutch?"

"It’s okay Starsk, I'm not going any further than the other room.  I’ll stay close…not gonna let you out of my sight."

"Kay", is all he managed and his eyes closed.

I sat on the edge of the couch and stroked his hair gently, smoothing out some of the unruly curls back from his forehead.  This always seemed to calm him.  It calmed me.  God, how I needed my partner.  I never told him enough, how much I loved him before the shooting.  I’d make sure he always knew just how much he meant to me now.  Neither of us took anything for granted anymore.  We couldn’t.

It wasn't long before he was fast asleep.  Looking down at my best friend, so pale, so vulnerable, I wondered if he would be able to stand up to the pressures of the trial and whatever Gunther's lawyers would throw at him.  I just didn't know.  The last thing that I did before starting dinner was to turn the ringer off on the phone.  Even the ringing of the phone these days was enough to unnerve him.  Right now I felt like the world was terribly unfair to my best friend and I was determined to do my best to even up the odds some.
 
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