He never made me feel that I was a burden to him, he would just say ........
"You are a gift that was given to me many years ago."
"And I feel it's a blessing to be able to care for you, to help you, Starsk, you could never be a burden to me if you tried."
"How could "love" ever be a burden?"
.............................
When Captain Dobey had come over yesterday to talk with us he must have thought that I had fallen asleep on the couch( I still did a lot of that).
But I was dozing, not asleep.
He told Hutch he thought that he needed a break from the constant responsibility of taking care of me.
I heard him say, "Sure, I could use a break, but tell me...........when will Starsky get a break from all of this?"
The Captain couldn't answer that.
I smiled to myself and pretended to be asleep........because what Hutch had just said made me glad that I had made it, made me feel safe and loved.
Dobey had come over to tell us that the District Attorney's office wanted to get depositions from us about our involvement with the Gunther Organization.
They were working on putting together an airtight case against James Gunther and or Gunther Industries.
As much as Hutch wanted Gunther jailed forever for shooting me he knew I was no where near up to being questioned .
Hutch did not want them anywhere near me.
I just didn't want to talk about the shooting or anything relating to it right now.
I wasn't physically or emotionally up to it and my partner knew it.
And I knew, that if Hutch perceived anyone or anything to be a threat to me he was fully capable of ripping their heads off.
Ever since the shooting he has been a loose cannon.
One that no one in their right mind would want to mess with.
After a "discussion", well that's what Hutch called it anyway, with the guys from the District Attorney's office, they had agreed to wait for the last possible moment to take a deposition from me.
That would give me more time to come to grips with all that had happened.
...........................................
And there were still some terrible nights. Nights when the only way that I could sleep was for Hutch to lay down beside me in my bed with his arms around me.
He kept the demons away from me and kept my hopes alive.
He would not let me give up on myself.
I felt especially down in the dumps today.
''I didn't even want company...........Hutch was the only one I needed to have around me and the only on I wanted to have around me.
With him I didn't feel the need to put up a front, pretend that everything was just fine...........that it didn't hurt anymore, because, dammit it still did.
Today I didn't feel it would ever be right again.
I just didn't know.
With Hutch I could be myself, I didn't get embarrassed when he helped me on and off of the john or when he had to get in the bathrub with me because I was still too shaky to be left on my own.
I found myself not wanting to look at myself..........I didn't even want to touch my scars. I could not get myself to wash my chest or stomach.
He did it for me. He'd reach around me and wash my back too because I couldn't reach that far.
He saw me looking at myself in the bathroom mirror and I tried desperately to hold back the sobs that were threatening to escape me.
This mutilated chest and stomach, the image I was looking at in the mirror was me now.
Hutch was leaning against the door frame..........he could read me like a book.......
I knew that there was no use trying to pretend with him.
He saw the despair in my eyes and I just lost it.
I looked over at him.
"Oh, God, Hutch................just look at me............I look like some kind of a monster".
I found myself reaching out for him, needing him to hold me, to comfort me like no one else could.
"Hutch, please, just hold me".
He gave me something my pain killers could not. He gave me peace of mind.
No one has ever cared for me the way that Hutch does.
He just said, "Sure Babe". He knew I needed that closeness.
"Aww, Starsk, you are not a monster........you are still my best friend and still my partner and a chestful of scars can't change that."
......................
Well as usual after dumping on him I felt a whole lot better about myself and what had happened.
He kept his arm around my shoulder as we walked out to the living room.
...........................
And for every little thing that I accomplished, no matter how small he would praise me for it.
Even if it was for the first time that I was able to go to the john by myself or able to get up off of the couch all by myself.
Maybe things would really be ok again.
...........
I had choices to make and I chose to believe that I would survive this.
Hutch has chosen to believe in me.............and we believe in us.
................
"Hey partner, you feel better now, you gonna be ok?"
"Yea", I said..............."Hey, Hutch.........thanks for always being here for me."
"Anytime Starsk, anytime."
"Now it's past dinner time, what do you think you would like to eat?"
I thought for a minute.
"Mexican", I said, one of those sample platters from "El Toro" down on Pico Blvd."
"You know the one I'm talking about?"
"Oh, yea", he said, "I'm afraid I do."
....................
It wasn't long before Hutch was back home with two huge bags from the restaurant.
"Here you go", he said as he handed me the biggest bag.
"All right, Buttito Boy...............one deluxe sample platter coming up..........two burritos, two enchiladas, four tacos, nachos and a large side order of refried beans."
Instead of Hutch sitting down to eat his dinner he walked over to the greenhouse door and pushed it wide open.
Walked around to all the windows in the kitchen area and the living room and opened them all up too.
I said, "Hey, what are you doing that for?"
"Look, Starsk......remember me..........your partner, the one that has had to spend countless hours trapped in a car with you after you ate a dozen or more tacos and chased then down with a cup of refired beans...........
Then he pulled a small bag out of his jacket pocket.
"Here, this is for you".
I looked down at the box he had put in my hand.
"BEANO"........."What's this for?.
The End