CHAPTER 10

They spent the rest of the day making sure that the whole town was sealed off…with roadblocks and uniformed police officers at the bus terminals and airport.  They stopped by the station and Hutch went in to retrieve Starsky’ s badge and gun Starsky didn’t want to have to go in and face Dobey so he remained in the car.  Hutch did however assure his Captain that he would keep a close eye on his partner until he had time to get over the shock. Realizing that lack of food and sleep combined with this horrible tragedy, had taken their toll on his two favorite Detectives, Dobey was glad at least that they had each other to turn to.

“Take care of him.” Were the last words spoken between them as Hutch picked up the items on the desk and answered his last comment with a smile and a nod.

They went by Huggy’s for the third time that day to see if he had turned up any news from his inquiries on the streets.  After receiving no good news they decided to visit a few of the roadblocks to speak to the other cops on duty until nightfall.  They were both completely exhausted and hungry.  But the thought of food although ever present…was overruled by the need for sleep.

They decided to go back and pick up the Ford as Hutch tried to persuade his partner to spend the night at his place.  Starsky declined the offer with the assurance that he would be all right. He felt the need to be alone.  He had been struggling to hide his emotions all day for Hutch’s sake.  But he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep up the act for much longer. As he made the drive home from the park by himself, he finally allowed his mind to drift where it had so desperately wanted to be all day.  Thoughts of Cassie washed over him and he let them take control. Finally able to relax as he released the pent up anger and tears that had been fighting to reach the surface for so long.

As he pulled into the driveway he turned off the ignition and sat there for awhile, not wanting to turn the key to the apartment and walk inside.  Too many memories were waiting for him in there… so he remained in his car… slumped over the wheel…crying softly in his solitude.

He hadn’t noticed how much time had gone by until he finally found the courage to open the car door and step up to the entrance.  He turned the key slowly and took a deep breath as he made his way inside.

The place looked so empty all of a sudden.  He knew it was his imagination but the sound of the unsettling quiet was almost deafening. He put his holster on the hook were he had kept it for the past 4 years as if he was placing it there for the first time in his life.  Nothing seemed as familiar as it should to him.  It was like he had stepped into someone else’s apartment.  There was no one to great him at the door with a hug and a kind offer to remove his jacket and keep his dinner warm while he took a long hot shower.  He hadn’t realized until that very moment how used to her he had become.  How many years had he lived by himself with never a thought of being lonely?  He enjoyed his freedom.  His first reaction to the thought of sharing his life with her was one of intrusion.  He liked having his privacy.  If not for the sake of his promise and the fact that he felt an instant bond with her…he never would have agreed to the invasion of his personal space.

In an effort to remove the quiet from the room he walked over to the Hi Fi and turned it on.  Then he skimmed through some of his music and noticed a few of her albums standing in the rack with his own.  He picked one of them up carefully…slid the record from it’s cover and inserted it onto the turntable.  Then he pulled back on the release button and allowed it to fall as the needle moved slowly towards it.  He had heard the music before…played at a much higher volume and remembered how many times he had asked her to turn it down.  She liked to dance around the living room as it played.

He just stood there…listening to the soft sweet tones…and closed his eyes as he watched her dance…through his mind.

He allowed the entire record to play as he tried to imagine how his life would be without her…but he couldn’t.  He walked into his room and forced himself to get undressed and get ready for his shower.  He came out of the room in his robe and suddenly realized…that there was no need for it.  He was alone and could walk around in the buff if he chose to.  It was one of the things he thought he would miss when she moved into his life.  But now he felt more comfortable in his robe.

He stepped into the shower and let the hot water hit his body.  It felt so good to just stand there and let it warm his entire body with its soothing wetness.  He always loved his shower.  He would set it so hot that it would almost burn his skin…then he would turn around and let it pound him in the back to relieve the stiffness in his tired shoulders.  For a moment he allowed himself to pretend that she was still there…waiting for him in the kitchen with a hot plate of food.  Talking on the phone while the music played in the living room.  A sense of normality finally found him as he continued his shower.  Maybe if he stayed in there long enough he could wish her back into existence…and he would find her puttering around the kitchen when he was done.

Of course the hot water didn’t hold out forever and he was forced to turn off the faucet and step out.  The music had stopped and the quiet was back. After he dried himself off he thought about a quick shave…she always liked to touch his face just after he finished.  She used to love the smell of his after-shave.  But he was too tired to make the effort at the moment.  Deep inside he knew that there would be no one around to appreciate the effort when he was done...not tonight at least.

He opened the door and went straight to his room to throw on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt.  He had passed by her room twice already but couldn’t bring himself to open the door…not yet. Then he went back into the living room and put another record on to play.  The soft sound of the Bee Gees drifted through the air as he thought about the concert he and Hutch had taken her to. They had a blast.  Cassie was so happy that night.

The lump that refused to leave his throat kept company with the tears that seemed to fall steadily down his face.  It kept hitting him in waves…getting weaker and stronger and then weaker again.

He walked down the hallway and opened the door to her room slowly with one hand.  It was clean and neat with her stuffed animals sitting on her bed as if they had been waiting patiently for her return.  Ollie sat in a small rocking chair in the corner.  He was her favorite and this was his own special place.  She used to tell him that he sat in the chair to watch over her at night as she slept.  He made her feel safe.  Starsky had always thought it was so ironic.

He didn’t linger for very long.  He felt like he was intruding in her space. It was her room…her personal belongings.  It would be wrong to invade her privacy that way.  So he turned and walked away…closing the door behind him.

Starsky knew that he should try to eat something.  His stomach had been growling for hours but his heart was so heavy that food just didn’t appeal to him…even when he remembered the two thick steaks he had purchased on Friday for dinner tonight.  She knew how to cook it just the way he liked it.  He could only afford the good meat once a week on payday and so he had left them in the bottom of the refrigerator thawed and ready.

He decided to make a quick trip to the kitchen for a glass of milk to calm his stomach before attempting to sleep.  As he walked passed the back door he heard a mournful sound coming from outside.  It drew his attention over to peer out the small window at the top of the door.  There he saw the source of the disturbance.  That same ugly little puppy that Cassie had grown so fond of.  Starsky thought about it for a moment and then walked over to the refrigerator…pulled out one of the steaks…and opened the door to throw it out for him.  He kept the door open as he sat on the stoop and watched as it was eaten.

“Go ahead and enjoy.” He said with a sad tone in his voice. “You’d probably end up with it anyway.”

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--- Chapter 11
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