‘I’ve Got A Hat!’ – by Stephanie White

“Career Guidance Counselor: Do you have any idea of what you want to be?

Mr. Anchovy: Yes, yes I have.

Career Guidance Counselor: What is it?

Mr. Anchovy: A lion tamer!

…

Career Guidance Counselor: Yes, but what qualifications do you have?

Mr. Anchovy: I’ve got a hat!

Career Guidance Counselor: A hat?

Mr. Anchovy: Yes, a lion taming hat! A hat with ‘Lion Tamer’ written on it that lights up saying ‘Lion Tamer’ in big red neon letters!”

Career Guidance Counselor sketch

Monty Python’s Flying Circus

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Starsky, Hutchinson, in my office,” Captain Harold Dobey called to his detectives as he himself strode into the inner office.

Detectives David Starsky and Ken Hutchinson looked up from where they were typing their daily reports…for the previous week. Their Captain sounded a little down, didn’t he? They looked at each other for a moment before following the large black man into his office. Starsky and Hutch could tell it wasn’t a good day. Dobey didn’t even comment when Starsky slammed the office door with his foot and propped his legs on the Captain’s desk. As soon as he realized he wasn’t going to get a rise out of his captain, Starsky removed his feet from the in-box and put them on the floor.

Starsky turned quizzical eyes to his partner who just shrugged. Then he turned those same eyes to his Captain.

“Cap’n, is there something wrong?”

“Yes, Starsky. There is something wrong. The circus is in town.”

Starsky and Hutch looked at each other, then back to Dobey. This time, Hutch posed the question.

“And that would be wrong…why?”

“There’s nothing wrong with the circus!” snapped Dobey. “It’s what’s going on at the circus that’s a problem.”

“Are you going to tell us what the problem is, Cap’n?” asked a now thoroughly confused Starsky.

“Someone is knocking off the performers. That’s what the problem is. They’ve lost two in the past three days.” He shoved the file across the desk. Hutch leaned forward and took it.

“Mark Thomas, also known as ‘Fish-face’, professional clown. Worked with this particular circus for the past ten years. Never seemed to have any enemies or other problems.” Hutch read. “Previously with the Shriner’s Circus for five years - also no apparent problems there. Shot to death just outside his trailer after a rehearsal. Ballistics was unable to trace the gun.”

“Maybe someone’s got a thing against clowns?” suggested Starsky. “I know they used to give me the creeps when I was a kid.”

“Yeah, Cap’n,” said Hutch, lifting his blond head out of the file to look at Dobey.

“Keep reading.” Dobey said grimly.

Hutch turned the page. “Antonio Herrera, animal trainer. Mauled to death by a lion. The lock on the lion’s pen was cut and pieces of raw steak were found in Herrera’s jacket pockets.”

“Why would he have raw meat in his pockets? Was he going to work with the cats?” asked Hutch.

Dobey shook his head. “According to witnesses, he was just going to check the cage where the performance would take place. He was checking the placement of the cats’ pedestals and things like that.”

“What about the lion? Surely he wouldn’t have attacked his own trainer!”

“One of the animal handlers said this one wasn’t even going to be used in the show because of its aggressive nature. They were negotiating with the local zoo to sell him.”

“So where do we start?” Starsky asked.

“You two are going undercover at the circus. Starsky, you are the replacement clown and Hutch…”

“Wait a minute, Cap’n!” Hutch interrupted. “Are you trying to tell me that you expect me to be a lion tamer?”

“Yes.” Then, as Hutch began to protest, “one of the current animal trainers will give you some pointers and you will always have an assistant in the cage with you when you’re with the cats.”

“I don’t know…” Hutch began. This time, it was Starsky who interrupted.

“Come on, Hutch! Where’s your sense of adventure? Didn’t you always want to be a lion tamer when you were growing up? I know I did.”

“Okay, Starsk. You can be the lion tamer then.”

“Uh…that’s okay, Hutch. I wouldn’t want to take anything away from you.” Starsky perked up. “Hey, why don’t you ask Smokey to help you? I’m sure that you could learn a few things from that over-grown kitty cat of hers.”

“That’s not a bad idea.” Hutch said thoughtfully. “Pippa was a circus cat at one time, and she is fairly tame…”

“There you are, then!”

“Whatever, you two.” Dobey snapped. “Starsky, your name is David White and Hutch, your name is Ken Black.”

“Black ‘n White, eh?” Starsky said with a lopsided grin. “You got our new I.D.s?”

Dobey nodded and tossed the packet of information over to him. “You’ll meet with the manager tomorrow afternoon – his name’s Larry Lawrence. He’s the only one besides the circus owner who’ll know you’re cops. You’ve got an appointment at seven thirty in the evening.”

“Why so late?”

“They’re on a deadline to open soon. He’s busy with set-up stuff all day tomorrow. That was the earliest he could see you.” As the detectives started to stand up, Dobey cleared his throat. “I’ve got tickets to take my kids to the circus next week. I want this cleared up before then, or you guys will be the ones to tell them that they can’t go. Understood?”

“Yes, Cap’n” Starsky and Hutch answered in unison before heading out of the small office.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Hutch sat down at his desk and picked up the phone. He dialed a number and waited until someone answered.

“Yes, Smokey Bear please. Tell her Hutch is on the phone. Yes, I’ll hold.”

“Smokey? How’re you doing, gorgeous? Great. I’m good, thanks. Listen, the reason I’m calling. Okay, two reasons. One, you want to have dinner with me tonight? Great! I’ll pick you up at six. Two, I’ve got an undercover assignment that I need Pippa’s help with. I’m expected to be a lion tamer.” Hutch chuckled. “You heard me. I need to learn how to handle a cat that size. Will you help me? I’m supposed to see the circus manager tomorrow night. Can you turn me into a lion tamer by then? You’re beautiful; you know that? Okay thanks. I’ll see you tonight. Bye.”

“She gonna help you?” asked Starsky as Hutch hung up the phone.

“Yep. I’m taking her to dinner tonight and then I’m going to spend tomorrow working with Pippa.”

“Hey Hutch, you mind if I come out and watch? I’ve only seen the cat from a distance and someone’s gotta watch your back if you’re going into an enclosed place with ‘er.”

“Yeah. You can come watch. I’ll have to give you directions to her place.” Hutch said.

“Why can’t you just pick me up?”

“I’m taking her out tonight. No one says I’m going to get home before tomorrow afternoon.” Hutch said with a grin. “Your place is a little out of the way from hers.”

Starsky returned the grin. “She got a sister?”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Hutch smiled at Smokey over the candles in the center of the table. He briefly took his eyes off of her to marvel at his surroundings.

“Tell me again how you managed this?”

“It pays to be a zookeeper.”

Between the phone call and six o’clock, Smokey had arranged to have supper catered at the zoo’s aquarium. The new ‘Coral Reef Exhibit’ was set to open officially on Saturday afternoon – the zoo’s busiest day of the week. However, as this was Thursday, it was a delightfully romantic location. Hundreds of the most beautiful fish, and marine animals (turtles, seahorses, manta rays etc…) were swimming gracefully through the bluish saltwater in the tanks under dim lights. The live corals and animals living within the corals gave the exhibit an extra bit of color and texture that made it an absolutely breathtaking place for a candlelit dinner.

“This is amazing, Smokey! Absolutely beautiful.” Hutch smiled at her. “Almost as beautiful as you.”

Smokey had the decency to blush at that comment, but her eyes twinkled mischief. “That is the corniest line I think I’ve ever heard, Hutchinson.”

He chuckled. “Okay, then let’s ruin the mood a bit more, shall we? As one of the head zookeepers, do you have any say in the zoo’s acquisition of new animals?”

“Depends. What kind of animal are we talking about?”

“A lion to be purchased from the circus?”

“Yeah, I’m in charge of the big cats. That lion is going to be put down. The zoo won’t buy a vicious animal.”

“Any idea why he would have attacked his trainer? I mean true, the guy did have raw meat in his pocket, but aren’t they fed well at a circus?”

“A professional tamer has no reason to put meat in his pockets. They usually use a bucket or something. There are several reasons a lion will attack for no apparent reason. The tamer may have abused him. He may not have been given enough to eat. Maybe he wasn’t brought in as a cub and didn’t like being caged or was already a man-eater before he was captured in the wild. He could have been an alpha-male – pride leader and didn’t like the idea of being tamed. He could have been sick, or drugged.”

“Drugged? How does one drug a lion?”

“In his food, or maybe a dart.” Smokey shrugged. “The zoo will be putting the lion down tomorrow morning. There’ll be an autopsy in the afternoon.”

“Why isn’t the circus taking care of that?”

“When an animal like that attacks a person, authorities like an autopsy to be performed to see if there was a medical reason for the animal’s behavior. The circus doesn’t have the necessary facilities to do anything like that. Therefore, LAPD has asked that the zoo take care of it.”

“Who will put the lion down? One of your vets?”

Smokey shook her head. “Me – I’m the zookeeper in charge. One rifle shot – right between the eyes. We can’t use drugs because it would corrupt the autopsy. I have to be here before the zoo opens to do it. After that, I’ll have the day off and we can work with Pippa.”

Sensing her discomfort at the thought of having to shoot a lion, he reached out and took her hand. “Are you going to be okay?”

She sighed and nodded. “Yeah. I just hate having to do it. But if a lion attacks a person, it’s considered a menace to society and has to be put down same as if it were a rabid dog.” She paused. “This is going to sound awful, but could you be there when I do it? I’m usually a wreck after something like this and I’ll need a hug.” She gave him a shy smile.

Hutch smiled gently and squeezed her hand. “Of course I’ll be there.”

“Good. Thank you.” She said quietly. Then she got the mischievous look back in her eyes, “so, you’ve seen my place, do I get to see yours?”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The phone rang at eight o’clock the next morning. Hutch rolled over and opened his eyes; he was alone in bed. He lifted his head and looked around. He heard the sound of running water and realized Smokey was taking a shower. Then he turned his attention to the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Hutch. Thought you said you weren’t gonna be home this morning! Whatsamatta? She got a headache?”

“Funny Starsk. It just so happens she’s in the shower. What do you want?”

“You never gave me directions out to her place. But since you’re home anyway, could you pick me up?”

“I don’t know, Starsk. We have to be at the zoo in about an hour.”

“I thought she kept the tiger at her place.”

“She does, but she has a vicious lion to take care of.”

“You mean she’s gonna…” Starsky couldn’t say the words.

“’Fraid so. I’m going along for moral support. I just hope I don’t need support too. I’ve never actually seen an execution before. Animal or otherwise.”

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes and the three of us’ll go. Okay?”

“Thanks, Starsk.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

When they arrived at the zoo, there were several people waiting for them – one of whom carried an automatic rifle. Smokey strode over to them and took the rifle without a word.

“Let’s get this over-with,” she said curtly. “He in the pit?”

“Yes,” one of the men answered. “They put him in there about ten minutes ago. He is one mean son-of-a-bitch! You be careful. He’s nearly jumped out twice already. He’s a powerful one.”

As they strode toward the big cat exhibit, Hutch whispered, “the pit?”

“It’s not really a pit. It’s a place where a dangerous animal can be caged, but a person can be in the same room with him with some measure of safety.”

“Some measure?” Hutch’s eyes widened. He reached under his jacket and undid the snap on his holster. He noticed Starsky doing the same.

When they entered the building, the first thing Starsky and Hutch were aware of was the very intimidating roaring of an extremely angry animal. They looked at each other and pulled the guns out of their holsters. Smokey noticed this and smiled at them. She motioned to them to follow her as she headed up a flight of stairs. When they got to the top, there was a narrow walkway looking down on ‘the pit’. In the pit was the biggest lion any of them had ever seen. He was a beautiful specimen with a regal black mane and very proud eyes.

Smokey looked down at the animal. “So, you’re the one that’s been causing all this trouble?”

The lion naturally didn’t answer – in English (the roar was impressive, though). He charged and attempted to jump up the wall at her. She jumped back as Starsky and Hutch quickly flanked her and pointed their guns at the king of the beasts.

“Be careful guys. If you shoot him and don’t hit right between the eyes, you’ll only make him mad.”

Starsky and Hutch looked at her, eyes wide. Both of them were thinking the same thing: ‘Shooting a lion at nearly point blank range would ONLY MAKE HIM MAD????’

Finally, she took a deep breath and aimed the rifle. She looked carefully through the sight until she found her target.

“I’m sorry, big fella.” She whispered as she pulled the trigger.

The rifle shot echoed through the enclosed space. The lion convulsed as his head was thrown back and he fell to the ground – dead.

She leaned the rifle against the wall and turned to Hutch, who gathered her up in his arms - although he wasn’t all that steady himself. Starsky came over and put his arms around both of them. The three of them stood shaking together. None of them was all that calm after the execution.

They were still standing like that when a voice from downstairs reached their ears. “Smokey? You okay up there?”

Smokey took a deep breath and disentangled herself from the two men. “Yeah, we’re okay. It’s over. Send someone in to take care of him.”

She turned to her two companions who were still a little shaky, “come on guys. I’ll buy breakfast.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

After a breakfast of omelets and Bloody Marys (well, just Smokey - who felt she deserved it - had the Bloody Marys) at a nearby restaurant, they headed out to her house. Starsky drove Hutch’s car and Hutch drove Smokey’s (she had left it at the zoo the previous night when she went home with Hutch).

When they arrived at the house, Smokey went in first, insisting that she had to get Pippa on a leash before Starsky entered the house.

“You sure you wanna do this Starsk?” asked Hutch as he noticed his partner fidgeting nervously on the driveway.

“Yeah. If you can pet a tiger, so can I.”

“Just remember, show no fear – only respect. I honestly believe she can tell the difference.”

“Okay…I hope I know the difference.” Starsky said quietly.

The door opened and Smokey was suddenly standing there with Pippa next to her. Hutch walked over and scratched the tiger gently behind the ears. A loud rumble issued from her throat and Hutch turned to face his partner.

“See Starsk? She’s purring. It’s okay. Come and meet her.”

“That’s a purr?” Starsky muttered under his breath. He cautiously approached the front door, his eyes never leaving the large cat standing between the blond man and blonde woman. Smokey pulled up on the leash and the big cat sat down obediently.

As he got closer, Smokey said, “Pippa, meet Starsky. Starsky, meet Pippa.”

“Uh…nice to meet you…er…Pippa. How’s it goin’?”

“Relax Starsk.” Hutch said quietly. “Respect, not fear. You’ll be fine. Come on, Babe. Come to me. It’s okay. I won’t let her hurt you. Walk towards me. Relax.”

Starsky allowed himself to be calmed by his partner’s gentle words. He took a deep breath and walked over to stand next to Hutch. He was aware of Pippa sniffing at him. He turned fear-filled eyes towards his partner. Hutch’s calm blue eyes gave him all the reassurance he needed. He understood that the cat was just getting to know him and had no immediate plans to eat him. He tentatively reached a hand out to scratch her behind the ears as Hutch had done. Pippa regarded him with cautious yellow eyes.

Smokey noticed that Pippa wasn’t going to allow Starsky to get as friendly as quickly as she had allowed Hutch. She quickly brought Pippa to a standing position and headed into the house. Starsky and Hutch followed. Well, Hutch followed. Starsky sort of trailed nervously in. Smokey and cat headed straight through the house and out to the back yard where there was a large fenced area with a small open shed in one corner.

“This is her pen. We can work in here. Starsky, there’s a whip hanging on a hook in the kitchen, could you run in and get it for me?”

As Starsky beat a hasty retreat into the house, Smokey turned to Hutch. “She doesn’t like him as well as she likes you. We’re going have to watch her carefully when he’s around.”

“I guess I didn’t realize she wouldn’t like everybody immediately. I mean, she liked me well enough.”

“Yeah well, you are irresistible.” Smokey said with a grin.

Hutch was just leaning in for a kiss when Starsky shoved the whip between the lovebirds.

“You couldn’t have waited a second or two, Starsk?” asked an irritated Hutch.

“Not when the lion tamer ain’t got a whip in his hand.”

Smokey chuckled and took the whip. She then gestured for Hutch to follow her into the pen. As soon as they were all in (Smokey, Hutch and Pippa. You couldn’t have paid Starsky enough…), Smokey took the leash off the great cat and handed Hutch the whip.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Some four hours later, Hutch and Smokey came out of the cage. Hutch was now a bit more confident about his ability to get into the arena with the big cats and Starsky could breathe again.

“Man, Hutch! That was incredible! She actually did what you said and everything! There was a coupla times there I thought you’d be cat food.”

Smokey grinned. “You didn’t have to worry. She gets into circus mode and the roars were always part of the act. Good for audience reactions, doncha know.”

“All I gotta say is WOW! Also, I’m starvin’! We didn’t have lunch and it’s nearly dinnertime. ‘Sides, we gotta be at the circus by 7:30. ”

“He’s got a point there.” Hutch said with a smile.

“I haven’t been grocery shopping lately – so there’s no food in the house. We’ll have to go out. Any suggestions?”

“Hey Hutch, let’s take her to the Pits. Huggy’s gotta hear about this!”

“Huggy? Is he the guy that was with you guys when you got out of the hospital? He looked like an interesting character. I think I’d like to meet him.”

“Great! Let’s go!”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Hutch m’man, you did WHAT?” Huggy’s eyes were as wide as saucers.

The blond man at the table just shrugged. “It’s not a big deal, Hug. It’s just a cat.”

Starsky snorted – nearly shooting beer through his nose. “Just a cat. Would you listen to that? It was a 300-pound TIGER! That ain’t JUST a cat!”

“Starsky’s right!” Huggy said in awe. “You actually got in the ring with a TIGER!”

“She is declawed.” Hutch said quietly.

“What?” Starsky said.

“Declawed. The circus that owned her had her declawed and her teeth blunted. The worst thing she could have done to me would be maybe break a bone with her weight behind an attack.”

“You mean, she couldn’t have killed you?” asked an amazed Starsky.

“Oh, she could have.” Hutch said quickly. “But it wouldn’t be as fast or as easy as if she had claws and sharp fangs.”

“You’re right.” Starsky said. “A tiger is a tiger. I’m just glad she didn’t try.”

“She would never hurt Hutch.” Smokey said as she squeezed the blond man’s arm. “She really likes him.”

“Wish I could say the same thing about me.” Starsky said ruefully.

“Well, just give her a little time. Once she gets used to you, I’m sure she’ll like you. Meantime, I won’t let her hurt you. Hutch would never forgive me if I did.”

“You’re right.” Hutch said quietly, his eyes never leaving his partner. “I couldn’t.”

Starsky suddenly looked at his watch. “Hey Hutch? It’s nearly ten after seven. We need to get moving if we’re gonna make it to the circus by 7:30.”

Hutch looked at his watch. “You’re right Starsk.” He turned to Smokey. “Do you want to wait here? We should only be an hour or two. Huggy’ll look after you. Or I could get you a cab if you want.”

“No, you go on. I’ll be fine here. Huggy seems to be good company. I’ll see you when you get back.”

Hutch leaned over and gave her a quick kiss before jumping up to follow his dark-haired partner out the door.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The circus manager, Larry Lawrence (Larry-Larry to his friends) was a small, dark, middle-aged man with a weathered face and thinning hair. His brown eyes were still bright with a sharpness that belied his otherwise frazzled appearance.

“You guys know what you’re supposed to be?” Then, as Starsky and Hutch nodded, “which one of you is the clown?”

Hutch chuckled and pointed at Starsky, who gave him a dirty look before saying, “Me.”

“Okay, first thing tomorrow morning, you’ll meet with Tony DeNardis. He’s the clowns’ choreographer and stunt master. He works out routines and pratfalls for the other clowns. He’ll help you design your face and figure out what you’ll be good at.”

“Design my face?”

“Yeah, no two clowns can have the same face. He’ll help you come up with something original. I told him you were a career-changer who always wanted to join the circus. He knows you’re a beginner so he should go easy on you.”

“What about me?” asked Hutch.

“I don’t suppose you have any experience with big cats, do you?”

“As a matter of fact, I do. I wouldn’t consider myself an expert, but I have had some experience with a tiger.”

“A tiger? What sort of experience?”

“I’ve been in a ring with her and a whip. I understand the concept of lion taming. I can hold my own.”

“I hope so. This isn’t a wussy circus. We don’t use safety nets for our tightrope walkers and we don’t declaw our cats or blunt their teeth like some circuses have been known to do. We believe the audience deserves the real thing. If we give the audience an illusion, it has to do with a magic act, not a thrill show. Either way, you’ll be meeting with John Price. He’s a behind-the-scenes animal handler. He handles the big cats when they’re not in the ring. He also knows you’re something of a beginner, so he won’t let you into the ring without someone to watch your back.”

“Okay.” Said Starsky looking nervously at his partner. The thought of Hutch getting into the ring with multiple cats with lots of sharp teeth and claws scared him. He thought he saw Hutch blanch a little when Larry-Larry said they didn’t declaw their cats. He took a deep breath and pulled himself together.

“Do you have any idea why someone would be targeting your performers?” he asked.

“It could be a disgruntled ex-employee.” Larry-Larry said thoughtfully. “I’ll get you guys a list of people who left under bad conditions. It could be the guy who’s made an offer on the circus. I don’t remember his name offhand. Mr. Harold deals with him; he’d know.”

“Mr. Harold?” asked Hutch.

“Frank Harold, the circus’s owner. He mentioned someone made him an offer. Far as I know, the offer was firmly refused. Mr. Harold loves this circus. He has no intention of selling it, no matter what the price. At least that’s what he said in the last staff meeting.”

“See if you can get us the potential buyer’s name. While we’re undercover, it would look suspicious for two new performers to start rubbing shoulders with the owner immediately.” Starsky said.

“Right. Anyway, that’s all I can tell you guys. You need to be here tomorrow morning at 7:30.”

“Seven thirty?” yelped a nowhere-near-morning-person Starsky.

Larry-Larry nodded. “Yep. In the setup phase of the circus, we have all hands helping. Since we’re going to be here for the winter, we’re allowed to take our time with the setup. Besides, what with the murders and all, the setup process has slowed down considerably.”

“Understandable.” Said Hutch. “We’ll be here at 7:30.”

As they left the office, Starsky said. “Let’s get back to the Pits to pick up Smokey and take her home. Then we’ll go home and get some sleep. If we gotta be here that early, I’ll need all the sleep I can manage.”

“Right Starsk. Okay. Let’s go.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The next morning, Starsky and Hutch (or White & Black if you prefer) presented themselves promptly at 7:30 to the proper people.

Starsky met with Tony DeNardis in the clown’s tent. DeNardis was a tall, thin man with dark hair graying at the temples. His blue eyes were a little sunken into his gaunt face. Starsky reflected that this guy in full clown make-up would be a very creepy sight indeed.

“Okay, White. Larry-Larry tells me you’re a beginner to this clown thing. I really don’t like the idea of you coming in cold like this, but you must have some talent or they wouldn’t have hired you.”

“Er…call me Dave.” Starsky said timidly. This guy was like a drill sergeant for clowns.

“Whatever Dave. First off, let’s see what you can do. Can you juggle?”

“A little.” Starsky picked up three balls from a nearby table and juggled them for a minute.

Tony grunted approval. “Not bad. What about falls? Can you do pratfalls?”

“I guess…”

“Let’s see one.”

Starsky sighed and did a tumbling roll as if he and Hutch had just thrown themselves out of the line of fire.

Tony nodded. “That’ll do. If you can do that, falling over a chair shouldn’t be too hard to learn.”

‘Falling over a chair?’ Starsky thought, slightly panicked. ‘Is he trying to kill me?’

“How much weight can you lift? Could you lift one of your fellow clowns if you had to?”

“I could probably manage a fireman’s carry, if that’s what you had in mind.”

“Show me.”

DeNardis held out his arms expectantly. Starsky walked over, grabbed an arm and hoisted the taller man over his shoulder like a sack of grain.”

“Okay, you can lift me. Walk me around the tent like this – as fast as you can manage without truly running.”

‘This has gotta be Candid Camera!’ Starsky thought to himself as he walked rapidly around the tent. ‘No way could this guy be for real!’

“Okay, that’s enough. Put me down.”

Starsky gently lowered the thin man to the ground.

“Okay, we’ll start you off easy - minor pratfalls, a bit of juggling. Can you make balloon animals?”

“I made a dog once. It wasn’t very good. So I guess the answer’s no.”

“Harry can teach you. I’ll set you up with him later this morning.”

“Okay.”

“Right! Let’s see what we can do with your face.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Hutch meanwhile was being introduced to the big cats – six tigers, four lions and a black leopard (panther, puma whatever you want to call it)

“Okay Ken,” John Price was saying. “You’re gonna have to learn the cat’s names. We’ll start with the tigers. The cages are numbered. We’ll start with number one and go from there.”

Hutch nodded at the shorter man. Price was short and stocky. His build gave Hutch the impression that if it had been Price against the lion that killed Herrera, the lion would have been greatly outmatched.

“Okay, cage number one is Sophie. She’s good for a beginner. I think I’ll start you with her. Number two is King Louie. In the ring, he is addressed as King. Number three is Aleegra. Don’t ask - I didn’t name her. She’s the oldest cat here. I think she’s nearly eight. I might try you with her too. Number four is Graham. He’s a surly one. He will do what you say, but you really have to work to earn his respect before he will deign to obey. I think you’ll have to be at this for a few months before I’ll put you in the ring with him. Number five is Princess. She’s got a high and mighty attitude that befits her name. Another one I won’t put you in with just yet. And number six is Fred. We’re still training him. It’ll be a while before he’s ready for the ring.”

Hutch was writing down the tigers’ names and personality notes when he realized he couldn’t tell one cat from the other. To him, they all looked like Pippa. Price seemed to read his mind and handed him a large manila envelope.

“These are labeled pictures of the cats so you can learn to recognize their markings. The lions are included too. Learn them well – it could mean your life. Okay, let’s go meet the lions.”

They walked a short distance to another set of numbered cages. The first cage held a large male lion. Hutch shuddered inwardly as he remembered the vicious beast at the zoo. Price didn’t seem to notice his discomfort.

“Okay, this is Harry. He’s actually a pussycat. He’ll be a good one for you to start with. You can tell him apart from the others because he has that large white patch in his mane.”

Hutch looked a little closer (just a little bit!). Sure enough, there was a fair-sized patch of white around the lion’s left ear.

“Cage number two is Simba. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, but no self-respecting animal trainer doesn’t have at least one Simba in his entourage. I wouldn’t put him in with a beginner. Hell, I wouldn’t put him in with a professional. Tony…er…Antonio was the only one who could take him. I’m gonna suggest to Larry-Larry that they sell this one to the zoo. No one else here can handle him. Personally, I think he’s another Dante waiting to happen.”

“Dante?”

“Yeah, that’s what that killer beast was called. You heard about that, right? I think it’s only fair that you know about that.”

Hutch nodded grimly. “Yeah, I heard about it...a real shame. How’d the lion get out of his cage?”

“Would you believe someone snapped the padlock? Whoever it was had to have been a fast mover.”

“Why do you say that?”

“That lion was crazed when he attacked Tony. Snapping a lock makes a lot of noise. If Dante were in a normal frame of mind, he maybe would’ve just looked up curiously. Eventually he might’ve tried the door to his cage. Oh, he might have mauled someone once he got out, but not necessarily. Most of these cats are live and let live unless they’re hunting or provoked. If he were crazed for some reason, he would’ve jumped toward the noise. Whoever it was had to’ve known the cat would move like that.”

“Any idea who could’ve done such a thing?”

Price shrugged. “Not any of the performers. I’ve known most of them for several years at least. You and that new clown are the only new ones I know of…oh wait…there is that new girl with the elephants. She just started a couple weeks ago after our last elephant handler left to take care of his sick mother.”

“What’s her name?” Hutch asked. Then, when Price looked at him curiously. “I figure the new people should stick together. At least until the rest of the circus fully adopts us.”

“Her name’s Angela Kline. I wouldn’t talk to her – unless you like the cold. She is not the most friendly of people.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Hutch said thoughtfully. “Shall we meet the rest of the cats?”

After meeting Marie Antoinette (not a good one until Hutch knows what he’s doing), Charlie (another gentle lion) and Cinder (the black panther who really is a sweetheart!), Hutch went to meet his partner for lunch.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

After making a bit of a show of introducing themselves to each other, Hutch used ‘the new people should stick together’ line to justify having lunch with Starsky.

“What’ve you got?” asked Starsky.

“I’ve got eleven cats that scare the hell out of me. At least one of them is and I quote, ‘another Dante waiting to happen’. Dante is the lion that Smokey…you know. Price thinks he must have been crazed for some reason. He didn’t believe Dante would do that if he were in a normal frame of mind.”

“I’ve got a clown commando as my supervisor. This guy is weird! You wouldn’t believe some of the stuff he had me doing this morning.”

“Really? Like what?”

“Well, there was that fireman’s carry thing…don’t ask. On the up side, I’m meeting with Harry in about an hour to learn the fine art of balloon animals.”

“That’s great Star…er David. You’ll have to show me how.”

“Yeah, you’ll have to show me your kitty cats too.”

“There is a new girl among the performers. She just joined the circus as an elephant handler about a month ago. Her name is Angela Kline. John pointed her out to me at one point. She’s…oh, there she is.”

Starsky turned around to see a tall girl with dark hair pulled back into a ponytail. She was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. He could see she was a fairly attractive girl.

“Maybe I should go over and introduce myself.” Starsky said with a grin.

Hutch shook his head. “Hitting on her isn’t going to make a dent according to John. She’s married. Her husband is a businessman here in town. John says she’d make the proverbial ice queen look like a warm-hearted woman.”

“Okay, then I’ll just have R & I check her out. Then I’ll try talking to her if they come up with something worth talking about. Meantime, I got the name of the company trying to buy the show. Harker Entertainment Industries, Inc. It’s a huge conglomerate that has its fingers into every aspect of the industry – television, radio, movies, sports teams, the works. The circus is about the only thing they haven’t gotten into yet.”

“Great, we’ll have R & I check them out too. So, are you gonna tell me about that fireman’s carry thing?”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Later that night, the partners were sitting at their desks in Metro when the door opened. Starsky and Hutch saw their fellow officers jumping up onto their desks. Starsky and Hutch looked at each other then looked around. Suddenly, Starsky was up on his desk.

“What’s gotten into you, Starsk?”

Starsky just pointed. Hutch looked at where his partner was pointing just as Dobey came out of his office…and rapidly retreated into same less than three seconds later. Standing there, at the end of their desks, was Pippa. Hutch reached out and grabbed her leash. She came over and rubbed her head against Hutch’s chest for a brief moment before Hutch pulled up on the leash and she sat down.

“It’s okay, everybody! I’ve got her. Relax.” Hutch called to his frightened fellow officers.

Dobey came out of his office again and looked at the large cat sitting at Hutch’s feet.

“HUTCHINSON!” Dobey yelled. “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT CAT DOING HERE?”

‘That cat’ didn’t appreciate the Captain’s tone of voice and she let him know it…loudly. Dobey retreated a few steps back into his office as the rest of the officers in the room (who had cautiously gotten down off of their desks) returned to their desktops.

“Pippa down! Down Pippa!” Hutch commanded. Pippa stopped roaring and lay down obediently. When she was under control, Hutch called, “Smokey! That wasn’t funny! Come in here and get your pet please.”

A very sheepish Smokey Bear poked her head into the office. “Sorry. We were in the neighborhood and thought we’d stop by.”

“You just happened to be in the neighborhood? Since when do you take your tiger for a ride in this neighborhood?”

“She had a vet’s appointment this afternoon. The guy won’t make house calls. He’s the zoo’s vet and he helps me out occasionally; so I don’t complain about having to take Pippa out to see him.”

“Is she sick?” asked Hutch, now a little concerned.

Smokey shook her head. “No. She just needed a booster shot. That’s always a fun time.”

“Starsky, Hutchinson, my office NOW!”

Dobey’s tone was subdued, but both Starsky and Hutch knew it was just because of the large feline nuzzling Hutch’s leg. Smokey came forward and took the leash from Hutch. She kissed him quickly and whispered another quick “sorry” into his ear before taking her cat home.

Starsky and Hutch walked into Dobey’s office and sat down.

“Hutchinson, you tell your girlfriend I don’t want to see that animal in here again, is that clear?”

“Yes, Cap’n.” Hutch said apologetically. “Sorry about that. Smokey does have a sense of humor.”

“Whatever, as long as she doesn’t play any more jokes like that here.” When Hutch nodded, Dobey grunted an approval and picked up a file. “We did some research on those names you gave us. The new girl, Angela Kline’s husband works for Harker Entertainment. I think that’s a bit of a coincidence, don’t you?”

“Yes it is. Is he involved in the attempted buy-out of the circus?” asked Hutch.

“We haven’t been able to verify that yet. I’m sending Harris up to talk to them in the morning. With any luck, we should be able to find out if he has anything to do with this mess.”

“Starsky or I could go.”

“You’d blow your cover sky-high. This case isn’t ready for that yet. You know that, Hutch.” Dobey said. “If Andrew Kline is involved in the sale and his wife has something to do with this mess, you can bet there’s gonna be trouble for you guys under the big top. If one of them did kill those two performers, then you guys would be next.”

“We’ll be careful Cap’n.” Starsky said. “Can we go now? We gotta be at the circus again tomorrow at 7:30. I need my beauty rest.”

“One night ain’t gonna do it, Starsky.” Dobey commented dryly. Then, as Starsky’s violet-blue eyes turned a hurt expression on Dobey, he sighed. “Alright, get out of here you two. Keep in touch.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Later the next afternoon, Angela Kline was on the phone to her husband. “How’s the takeover bid coming? Harold selling yet?”

“No. But that’s not why I’m calling. There was a cop here asking questions about the incidents there. You know, with the lion and the clown. They’ve tied it to the company through me. It’ll not only ruin the sale, but probably the company too. I’ll have to find a new job again.”

“You had nothing to do with it, so why are you worried?”

“They know I’m married to a circus performer. They think it gives me opportunity. The motive is definitely there. Angie, I don’t know what to do here. The cops are going to ruin this sale and I’ll lose my job and I had nothing to do with it.”

“I’ll see what I can do from this end. Don’t worry! Everything will work out fine. I won’t let you lose another job for something that isn’t your fault.”

As she hung up the phone, Angela was thinking hard. ‘I was too obvious last time. That new lion tamer can’t have learned which cat is which yet. I wonder if he could tell the difference between Charlie and Simba? This time, it will be a true accident. Poor man couldn’t tell the difference. Can’t imagine how the cats ended up in the wrong cages…’

With an evil grin, she slipped into the vet’s tent for a mild sedative for Simba. While he was in the back area getting the sedative for the ‘excitable elephant’ she told him the sedative was for, she went through the small drug cabinet in the front of the tent. She found the stimulant that would push the already mean Simba into Dante territory.

‘With any luck, Simba is as mean as his reputation and I won’t need the stimulant, but it’s always good to have just in case.’ She thought to herself as she walked out of the vet’s tent.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Later that night, after the circus was quiet, a lone figure with a small dart gun moved among the lion cages. When she got to cage number two, Simba regarded her with cold yellow eyes. She smiled and shot him with the dart. There was a loud roar as he reacted to the sting of the dart. He got up and paced his cage; occasionally throwing dirty looks at the small woman who had just shot him. After about five minutes, the pacing slowed and stopped. Simba lay down and yawned widely.

Once she was sure Simba was thoroughly relaxed (not unconscious, mind you, just relaxed), she got a leash and went to Charlie’s cage. The gentle giant regarded her with amiable eyes as she picked the lock on the cage. When it was open, she stepped into the cage, put the leash on the big cat and led him quietly over to Simba’s cage. She sat him down as she carefully dispatched the lock on the meaner lion’s cage. Once the door was open, she led Charlie in and removed the leash from around his neck and put it around Simba’s.

Simba offered little resistance as he was led out of his cage. He stood there in a mild stupor as Angela replaced the lock to the cage. Then she led him into Charlie’s cage and, after removing the leash and stepping out, she re-locked his new cage.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

The next day when Starsky and Hutch met for lunch, Hutch couldn’t keep a straight face.

“Why David! That’s a new look for you!” Hutch said as he stifled a laugh.

“Yeah, keep laughing pretty boy. You’re in the ring this afternoon, aren’t you?”

That thought sobered Hutch for a moment - only a moment, though. Starsky looked too funny! He had gotten his clown look together. His face was painted white. His nose was painted red all the way up to his eyebrows. There was a bright yellow star over one eye and a light blue crescent moon on the opposite cheek. His mouth was outlined in red and pink. There was a bright blue bowler hat on his head with a long-stemmed flower hanging precariously off the brim. He was wearing a bright yellow shirt and baggy black trousers held up with rainbow suspenders. On his feet were…his regular blue Adidas sneakers.

“What? No clown shoes?”

“We discovered I couldn’t walk in them. They’re a lot harder to walk in than they look!”

“Just got a call from Dobey.” Starsky leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially – an attitude that really didn’t fit his appearance, but not for lack of trying! “They found traces of a powerful stimulant in Dante’s bloodstream. They think it was introduced into his food, which would explain how our killer could have snapped the lock, and gotten away before the cat went ballistic. A dart is much faster acting and wouldn’t have given him time to get away before the cat lost it.”

“Would a business man really know a lot about that sort of thing?”

“I know what you mean. I saw him earlier today talkin’ with his wife. He’s kind of a milquetoast sort of guy. I really don’t think he’s got the balls to be our killer.”

“What about her? You think she’s trying to help her husband by killing performers?”

“Possible. Some women will do anything for their men!” Starsky said with a grin.

The name Diana Harmon floated through Hutch’s brain and he wisely chose to ignore his partner’s last comment. “She is an animal handler. She’d know how to drug an animal if she needed to and she certainly had the opportunity.”

“That’s a good point. Listen, you gotta face the lions in a few minutes. I’ll check with the vet and see if there’s any way she could’ve gotten hold of drugs like that.” As Hutch stood up, Starsky finished the thought with, “you be careful partner. Remember – they’re more than just pussy cats.”

“Thanks, I’ll see you later, Starface.” Hutch said and then ducked as a bread roll came flying at his head.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dr. Bill Neeper, DVM was an average sort of guy. Starsky reflected that his own mother probably couldn’t pick him out of a crowd; he was that ordinary.

Dr. Neeper looked up and grinned at the clown walking into his tent. “You must be the new clown. You missed your tent a few tents back.”

“Yeah, I guess I did.” Starsky shrugged. “As long as I’m here, my name is Dave White.” He pointed to the star on his face. “You can call me Starface.”

Neeper chuckled. “Starface – that’s good. I like that.”

“Can I ask you somethin’ Doc?” When the doctor nodded, Starsky said, “I’ve made friends with the new lion tamer and I’m a little worried for him. You know, with that vicious lion they had last week. He was telling me the head trainer thought the cat must have been drugged. What do you think?”

Dr. Neeper furrowed his brow in thought. Then he got a slightly guilty look on his face. “Actually, now that you mention it, I was missing a vial of stimulant the day the lion attacked. I didn’t mention it because sometimes the nurses I get through here don’t record things too accurately.”

“Would a stimulant make a cat crazy like that?”

“Oh yes. Especially one like Dante who was mean and high strung to begin with. There’s actually another cat with that personality. I hope your new friend doesn’t try getting in the ring with him. I personally think Simba is worse than Dante ever was. Tony was the only one who could handle him – and that was just barely.”

“Uh…Doc? Has anyone come in recently asking for any sort of drug for an animal?”

“Yes. Angela Kline…the elephant trainer. She came in for a tranquilizer for her elephant last week…the day before the attack actually. She also was in here yesterday for the same reason.”

Starsky suddenly got a sinking feeling in his stomach. “Uh, could you check your stimulant supply, Doc? I got a feeling…”

The doctor shrugged and went over to the cabinet. He counted the bottles. He checked a list. Then, he counted them again.

“That’s strange. There’s one missing!”

Starsky suddenly knew Hutch was in real trouble. He grabbed the doctor by the shoulders. “Get a tranquilizer dart ready and meet me at the lion’s practice ring NOW!”

“What’s going on? You’re a clown! What do you know about the lions?”

Starsky reached into the baggy trousers for his jeans pocket. He pulled out his badge. “I’m a cop! The new lion tamer is my partner! I think he’s in real trouble! Just get the tranq and meet me there!”

The vet ran for the dart gun and Starsky ran for the lion cages.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As he got to the big cat area, he saw John Price standing in front of a cage scratching his head as if he was trying to figure out what was wrong with this picture.

“Where’s Hutch! Er…Ken! Where’s Ken?” Starsky came running up to the confused trainer and flashed his badge.

“He’s in the ring. He’s…” Realization dawned on Price. “Oh my GOD! We gotta get him outta there! This isn’t Simba! It’s Charlie! This is Simba’s cage! Someone must’ve switched them. Charlie’s a really tame cat. Simba’s a killer! Simba isn’t easy to handle even if the trainer uses his name. Ken is gonna be calling him Charlie! He’ll get himself killed!”

Suddenly, there was a loud roar and a bloodcurdling scream from the ring. Starsky’s heart leapt into his throat and he ran towards the sounds of his partner screaming; all the time thanking God he had enough foresight to put his gun into the waistband of his jeans.

As he got to the cage, he stopped in horror. Hutch was leaning as far back into the cage wall as he could get without actually being able to get out. His arm was bleeding heavily where the cat had swiped him with a powerful claw. Hutch would occasionally crack the whip in the lion’s face. The lion reached out with a claw and tried to capture the long piece of leather as it snapped just in front of his face. Starsky could see that one of these times, the lion would grab it and that would be the end of his partner. He looked around frantically for the vet with the tranquilizer gun. He was nowhere to be seen. Starsky lifted his gun and aimed for the great beast. Unfortunately, the cat was more interested in Hutch; so Starsky started yelling.

“Hey you overgrown fleabag! Why don’t you pick on someone your own size! Come over here and try me you damned cat! Come on you sonovabitch! Come and get me!”

The big cat didn’t waver from his original target. Suddenly, Hutch yelled. “Starsk! He needs something louder to get his attention! Fire your gun! That ought to get his attention!”

Starsky lifted the gun over his head and fired two shots. That worked. The lion turned and launched himself at Starsky – completely oblivious to the fence that surrounded him. Starsky took careful aim as he remembered Smokey’s words the other day in the pit.

‘If you shoot him and don’t hit right between the eyes, you’ll only make him mad.’

The crack of the Berretta was remarkably loud in the open space. Starsky’s aim was true and Simba fell down dead before he got to the fence.

Terrified violet eyes met petrified blue eyes - both men understanding how close Hutch had just come to being lunch for the great cat. As Starsky ran into the cage, Hutch slid down the fence until he was sitting on the ground trembling. Starsky put his arms around Hutch - who grabbed his partner and held on until the trembling stopped. Then Starsky helped him up and together they slowly exited the cage and headed for the first-aid tent.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Starsky and Hutch were in the dressing room tent. There was a celebratory feel in the air. Angela Kline’s fingerprints were all over the doctor’s cabinet and she was arrested fairly quickly. Unfortunately for her husband, the buy-out fell through and he lost his job anyway.

Starsky was pulling on his baggy pants when he looked at his partner.

“Hey, Hutch. You know you don’t have to do this. They do have someone who can go in your place.”

Hutch eased the bright red vest over his bandaged arm. “Yes, I do have to do it. Like you said, I always wanted to be a lion tamer as a kid. I gotta do it for real at least once. ‘Sides, it’s like that falling off a horse thing. If I can’t do this, I’ll never be able to face Pippa again.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure. Go on, Starface. Put your face on. Just for tonight we’re going to be in the circus!”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Little Rosie climbed into her father’s lap. “Are we going to see Uncle Dave and Uncle Ken? Where are they?”

Harold Dobey hugged his daughter and pointed to one of the clowns. “See the one in the blue hat? That’s Uncle Dave.”

Cal looked again at the red-nosed clown. “Yeah, it does look like him. That’s really him?”

Suddenly, the clown in the blue hat came running up the aisles, tripping (comically, of course!) over seats as he came. When he got to the Dobey family, he stopped. He reached up and pulled the flower from his hat and offered it to Edith Dobey who took it with a smile. Then, he pulled out a couple of balloons, blew them up and made each child a giraffe, a hat and a poodle (okay, the poodle popped. Little more practice needed there). Then, he turned to his captain and made a hat that he placed on the larger man’s head. Dobey reached up to take it off when Rosie stopped him.

“Don’t take it off, Daddy. See, I got a hat. We can be twins!”

Dobey sighed. He knew when he was beaten. Although, he gave Starsky a look that said ‘you may have won the battle…’ Starsky took the hint and returned to his fellow clowns. As he went skipping around the tent, he caught sight of Smokey sitting in the audience. He walked up to the bleachers and tipped his hat to her. She looked confused at first until he grinned. The make-up hid the face, but there was no hiding that lopsided grin. She smiled and waved at him.

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! CHILDREN OF ALL AGES! MAY I DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION TO THE CENTER RING WHERE THE VERY BRAVE KEN HUTCHINSON WILL STEP INTO THE RING WITH SOME OF NATURE’S MOST FEROCIOUS BEASTS”

As the ringmaster said his name, Hutch - wearing tight black trousers, leather boots, a white shirt and red vest - stepped into the spotlight in front of the cage and waved to the cheering audience.

“KEN IS DOUBLY BRAVE BECAUSE HE SURVIVED A VICIOUS ATTACK BY A FULL-GROWN, MANEATING LION. HE FOUGHT THE KING OF THE BEASTS AND WON! EVEN AFTER THIS ATTACK, HE IS STILL WILLING TO FACE THESE DANGEROUS BEASTS AGAIN! GIVE HIM A HAND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AS KEN TAKES HIS PLACE IN THE RING!”

Hutch stepped into the cage and the door was shut behind him. Starsky watched carefully. He saw John Price standing just to the side of the cage – ready just in case.

As Hutch stood there, a door opened and Sophie the tiger was led into the cage. Hutch easily guided her to her pedestal. Another tiger (Aleegra) was let into the cage. Once again, Hutch had no problem with her. When King Louie was let into the cage, Hutch had a little bit of trouble convincing him to stay on the pedestal. His highness eventually deigned to stay put. Then, Charlie was let into the cage. He also went easily to his place as did Harry.

Starsky only remembered to breathe rarely during the show. He had never been so afraid for his partner. He knew that Hutch knew what he was doing, but he also remembered the look of terror on his face as he faced Simba. Occasionally, he would steal a glance at Smokey, who was trying not to look as nervous as he knew she must feel. The Dobeys also looked scared half to death as they watched Hutch handle the big cats. As the show progressed though, Starsky became more and more confident in his partner’s ability to handle these beautiful beasts.

Then, Hutch put his head in the lion’s mouth.

Starsky’s knees decided it was time for a pratfall and they ceased to hold him up. A few audience members chuckled when the clown fell over. Hutch took his head out of Charlie’s mouth and turned to see his partner sitting on the floor looking absolutely terrified underneath his whiteface. He winked and put his head back in the lion’s mouth for another few seconds. The audience cheered and Hutch stood up and took a bow. He then ushered the cats out of the ring and took another bow before heading back to the dressing room tent to change clothes.

As he came out of the dressing room, Smokey was waiting for him. First, she grabbed him and kissed him passionately – pouring all of her relief at seeing him exit the ring in one piece into this one breathtaking kiss. Then, she punched him almost not-very-gently in the arm.

“You didn’t have to stick your head in his mouth, did you? Do you have any idea how scared I was? I know I taught you a bit about the cats; but I sure as hell didn’t teach you that!”

She suddenly realized he was clutching his arm - slowly doubling over in pain and that she had just hit his injured arm.

“I think that makes us about even.” He gasped.

“Oh God! I’m sorry! I forgot! Are you okay? Hutch? Come on Sweets, talk to me. Are you okay?”

He took a deep breath and slowly stood back up. “I’m okay. That just smarts a little. Come on,” he put his good arm around her shoulders. “Let’s go see how Starsky is doing. I haven’t really seen any of his act yet.”

“He’s wonderful. You’d think he’s been a clown all his life.”

“He has been. Didn’t you know?” Hutch answered with a grin as he allowed her to lead him back to seats in the Big Top.

End.

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