Partners, Me’n’Thee by Elisabeth Alexander
Starsky changed gears and the Torino charged.
Hutch groaned. One look at that determined face told Hutch his partner either would get the crooks in the car ahead or die trying.
Not a comfortable thought.
Starsky’s life meant more to him than his own.
Any way he could slow Starsky down? Not likely, but he had to try.
“C’mon will ya. Slow down!”
No reaction. If anything, Starsky gripped the wheel tighter, sitting forward in his seat like a panther about to pounce.
God, but the guy was beautiful.
The car swerved, narrowly missing a pole. Slow down, slow down Starsky.
“I’m gonna throw up.” Hutch yelled, hoping that the threat would take Starsky’s foot of the gas. No such chance.
“Don’t. Not in my car!” Starsky hollered back with no sign of letting up.
Damn. Was the guy set on killing himself? He didn’t have anything to prove to anybody? Please slow down Starsky.
Careening around traffic, Starsky’s firm hands confidently handling the Torino, face dark with concentration, hair swinging with the car’s movements...
Watch that lorry, partner! Brakes, Starsky, hit the brakes!! That lorry is --- we’re crashing. Let Starsk get out of here alive. My life, okay. For his. Only let Dave be alright!
Starsky?? Starsky!
Darkness.
Lights. Too bright.
My head hurts.
Who’s that guy? Have seen the face before? Oh. Dr. Greene.
Starsky!
Starsky. Where the hell is Starsky?
Hutch struggled to a sitting position, fighting the restraining hand. “Dave. My partner. He must’ve come in with me. Where’s Starsky?”
“Alright, Ken, cool down. If you’re talking about that curly haired guy – he’s alright. We already got him settled in a bed upstairs. And now that I see you’re in full possession of your faculties, we’ll take you up to him.”
Taking a deep breath and offering a silent thank you that his prayers had been answered, Hutch allowed himself to be pressed back onto the pillow.
“Don’t move so much. We think you have a slight concussion.”
“Starsky? Is he okay?”
Dr Greene nodded, and Hutch felt relief flood his soul, closely followed by red hot anger.
“I oughta pay that jerk back for the scare he gave me,” Hutch muttered.
Dr Greene smiled at the vindictiveness in his voice belayed by that other emotion in the gentle blue eyes.
“Well, you can always not talk to him. Neither of you ought to talk too much tonight. You both need rest.”
“I don’t know who you’re...” Hutch interrupted himself mid-sentence. “Say, you gonna help me a little?”
“If it isn’t totally unethical...” Dr Greene hesitated. “Is it gonna keep the two of you out of my hospital for a while?”
Hutch grinned. “You know, it just might.”
Quickly, he outlined his plan.
The doctor shook his head. “You’d have to be a damned good actor to pull it off. I don’t see anybody able to fake amnesia around somebody who really knows them well. At least not for longer than an hour or so.”
“That’s all it takes.” Hutch smiled. “I don’t want to upset him. Much. I just want him to think next time he puts his foot through the floorboard.”
“Isn’t he going to be very upset with you, Ken?”
“Starsky? No. He’s got a terrific sense of humour. He’s going to blow his top and then laugh his head off. I know my partner.”
“Just make sure you don’t get yourself punched on the nose. I don’t want to have to keep either of you here any longer than absolutely necessary. The nurses are going to riot over you guys.”
Hutch swallowed. Nurses. He didn’t care about nurses. Starsky sure did, though.
Good job his friend hadn’t noticed he was playing the field all alone these days.
The nurse wheeled him into the room, and a quick look at the doctor’s face told Hutch that Starsky had swallowed the bait - hook, line and sinker.
Quickly, he gauged the reaction. The relief in the light voice was unmistakable, but the expression on Starsky’s face changed from amusement to worry instantly.
Was this really such a good idea?
Hutch groaned as the nurse helped him into bed, realising there were a few things he had overlooked in his eagerness to play yet another practical joke on Starsky.
Starsky’s “Good night, pal,” sounded all too soft, and Hutch had trouble going to sleep with that voice in his ear.
They were eating their breakfast, and Hutch wondered when and how to tell his partner the truth. Damn, it had been easy to get into this... but he hadn’t wasted a thought on how to get back out.
Hutch had to hide his fond smile behind the coffee cup when Starsky attempted to prompt his memory.
Yeah, he remembered his temporary aversion to numbers... he also remembered how his tirade had washed over Starsky. Amazing, how the man just kept his cool around one Kenneth Hutchinson... then again, they had quickly learned to gauge each other’s moods and distinguish the ones that needed to be dealt with from the instances where one of them only needed to let off a little steam.
When the nurse mentioned medication, Hutch felt his heartrate increase. Damn. How could he ask what kind of stuff they were giving him? The idea of becoming addicted to anything ever again still chilled him.
Starsky’s voice interrupted his franctic thoughts. Trust Starsky. Hutch relaxed, but didn’t risk looking at Starsky, afraid his eyes might give him away. The guy was able to read him way too easy.
Hutch didn’t remember much about that time... but he treasured the moment Starsky had miraculously found him in that alley, immediately and without a second thought taking charge and accepting responsibility.
And what kind of responsibility that had been – a cop with heroine addiction on his hands, hoping to get him clean without aid.
Strong arms that held him with such gentle affection, gentle arms that held him in a vice-like grip, protecting him from himself, refusing to let him out of the room. The hard-muscled body a bulwark against the hostile world, lovingly pillowing his aching head. Tender fingers massaging tight muscles, forceful fingers feeding him coffee and candy.
The affectionate voice denying him dope, encouraging him to hang in there.
How often had he thrown himself at that slender body, both in frustration and in desperate need? Starsky had put up with his driving fists and accepted his clinging embraces. He had grown physically tired, but never given any sign of being tired of Hutch, or having to care for him.
Hutch knew that without Starsky he wouldn’t have made it. Wouldn’t have cared. But those steady indigo eyes had been his beacon in the darkness of addiction, and he had somehow made it into the safe harbour that was Starsky’s undying loyalty and affection.
Hutch hid behind the paper, and heard himself tell Starsky he didn’t want that past back.
No, he didn’t.
Because it had been then that his hunger for physical contact with Starsky had begun.
For weeks he had woken in his lonely bed at night, automatically reaching for Starsky – but Starsky wasn’t there.
He had taken countless women to bed, not always chosing wisely – Diana came to mind – but it hadn’t helped.
His hunger for Starsky remained unabated, and it was beginning to affect him negatively. He knew he was becoming increasingly aggressive.
How could the man be so blind? He had such an incredible eye for detail... but something as obvious as Hutch’s feelings for him he simply overlooked.
Hutch saw Starsky’s distressed gaze, and didn’t know how to cope with that. Asking the nurse to close the curtains added to his guilt, and he closed his eyes, berating himself.
Was Starsky going into the bathroom to cool down or to cry? Knowing Starsky, one was as likely as the other.
Hutch didn’t know how anybody could live with this constant flux of emotion, but Starsky did. And he certainly didn’t do badly.
The nurse wheeled him back into the room after the EEG, and Hutch knew he had almost let the secret out. His arm wasn’t broken either, and that was something else Starsky needed to be told.
Not now – one quick look at that face, and Hutch had to look away again.
C’mon Starsk. Don’t look at me like that. I can’t stand you growing desperate.
It’s no use. I have to tell you. Got to get rid of the silly nurse and talk to you. Really talk. It’s too hard on you, partner.
Hutch felt the familiar wave of frustration surging up on the shore of his mind when Dobey and Huggy Bear walked in.
How to get rid of these two, quickly? Ah – insult them. Maybe that’ll work.
Starsky was decidedly uncomfortable with his innuendos, and that was fun. How much he loved that expression – torn between unease and helpless laughter.
“I can’t wait for him to recover,” Dobey said after a few well-aimed slurs, and Hutch knew from Starsky’s look that the expression on his face had to be pure arrogance.
That look almost undid him, and he took refuge to his paper again.
Hutch grinned widely at Huggy’s remark about Starsky flying over the truck – he had almost felt for a second as if that were possible.
Even when Starsky was driving like Evil Knievel he had always felt safe. And yes, he’d get back into the Torino with Starsky behind the wheel. Right this minute, without hesitation.
Amusement and surprise were at war when Starsky related his view of that Buggy chase. Yes – he’d been very aware of Starsky clinging to the car for dear life, and his yells to take it easy.
But it had been such a thrill... Starsky tense face, dark hair wildly tossed – and yet, trust. He had complained – a lot, Hutch grinned – but somehow Hutch knew that Starsky hadn’t really minded. And oh, how he had needed to feel that trust – and how he needed to feel in control, how he needed to know that Starsky would go along without deserting him.
Even now, he was certain Starsky was just trying to get back at him.
Hutch wondered at his sense of normality, his sense of being right at home. Dobey eating away at the fruit basket they had brought, Huggy snatching his paper – neither man paying much attention to their argument.
Strange, how the whole world seemed to know nothing would ever come between him and Starsky. Arguments were just part of how they meshed together.
Never felt that close to anybody, certainly not Vanessa. You complete me, and I have this certain knowledge that we belong. You ain’t gonna desert me any more than I’d ever leave you. So why is it so difficult to tell you my feelings for you have grown into more than friendship?
He had to ask, and he was hoping Starsky would be too irritated at his words to listen to his voice too carefully, “How could I be partners with such a horrible, hostile person?”
Starsky was anything but horrible and hostile... and he looked adorable in that blue hospital gown.
Blue suits you, partner.
That flash in those sapphire depths... how he loved the blaze of those eyes. Somehow, the fire never touched him, it only warmed his heart.
“If I were really that horrible, I’d pop you in the mouth for a crack like that!”
So why don’t I feel threatened? Because you’re not horrible, and we both know it.
Not the first time? What the hell is Huggy on about?
Ah. That. Yes, but that was just an act. And you almost blew it – standing there, making sure I was alright. I knew it hurt you having to hit me. C’mon, you even pulled the punch – just lucky I had my back to the other guys.
Don’t look like that – you’re not still upset about that? Yes you are. I can tell.
Didn’t I hurt you as well? Often enough. Punched you, too. Over Gillian. Do you remember Gillian, pal?
So you thought Huggy’d never leave? Well, Capt’n – I’m beginning to think you’ll never leave.
I wish everybody would leave us alone.
I want to wipe that look off your face, Starsky. I can’t stand it when you hurt. Never could. You always hurt so deeply. Scares me.
Remind you of Gillian, buddy? The way you were there for me?
“So – that’s the kind of work you do. Running around punching people.”
Look at that outrage. Got you, eh. Yeah, I’ll wait a sec. Longer, if I have to.
C’mon buddy. Do I have to spell it out for you? Gillian. Remember? Look at how hard you have to think. You can’t have forgotten?
Now that you remember – you don’t want to talk about it.
I knew then how much you were hurting for me. It was written all over your face, shining from those lovely eyes of yours.
You told me she was dead.
You never told me how you got there before me.
And the next day when we searched the place... You never told me what the ash was in the envelope marked Starsky – but boy, that smile of yours lit the entire room. I might be dense, but why did you say it was a sixteen hundred dollar smile?
I know you didn’t understand why I felt so much for Gillian – she was so much like you, that’s why. Didn’t know there could be two people in the world with so much down-to-Earth wisdom and yet, so much innocence. You know, somehow her being a hooker added to that feel. She almost, almost helped me get over you.
Took a long time for your words to sink in. Didn’t know whether to feel anger or grief or maybe both. That right swing must have hurt your heart as much as your jaw. You were trying so hard to shield me.
And I hurled insults at you, and slugged you one. Nice way of thanking you, I’m sure.
I needed nothing more than you telling me you were my friend. You always take the punches along with the hugs, eh Starsk. You were holding me together with that embrace, did I ever tell you that?
I loved you so much when you took that pot shot at the projector – no, you didn’t miss your man. You didn’t want me to see any more of those intrusive pictures.
The way you left Grossmann to me... standing unmoving at the top of the stairs, waiting for what I would do.
I never believed in taking justice into my own hands, couldn’t do it even then.
But there was something ... there was something in your face, or maybe in your eyes ... that told me you’d back up my story, regardless. You were willing to compromise your own sense of justice for me, and I’ll never forget that. If I had shot that freak, you would’ve said it was self-defense. And because everybody knows you never lie, we would’ve gotten away with it. You might not have slept well for nights... but you were willing to give me that.
Is there anything you’d not do for me?
Anything I wouldn’t do for you?
No.
I would die for you, and I know in my heart you’d do the same for me.
Hutch had to close his eyes and rest his aching head against his arm – he wanted nothing more than hold on to Starsky right now, tell him how much he loved him, needed him.
No way I can do that. You’re as straight as an arrow, pal.
Hutch was sitting up in bed, trying to meditate, knowing it was useless. He would not achieve peace of mind until he stopped lying.
And not just where the faked amnesia was concerned.
Dear God, but I’m scared.
Afraid of losing Starsky.
How would Starsky react to the news that his partner loved him, was in love with him? Could hardly keep his hands off him, and certainly not his eyes?
Grunting with a pain that wasn’t entirely physical, Hutch gave up on the attempt at meditation, settling back in the pillows.
“You awake?” That sounded harsh. Harsher than I intended.
“Yeah,” Starsky, you sound depressed.
“You want to talk?”
“What’s there to talk about?”
Please, Starsky – don’t sound like that. Don’t feel like that.
My chance to thank for all the stuff you do for me – day in and out, without hardly ever complaining. And even then, you’re never serious about the complaints. Never, ever letting me down – when I fall, I know my special Starsky safety net is right there to catch me.
I think I’d kill myself if I ever lost that certainty.
No big deal? You have no idea, pal.
Hutch couldn’t resist a quick look at his friend, and another one.
Most people looked scruffy in a hospital.
He knew he did.
How come Starsky looks so gorgeous? Must be my rose-tinted glasses.
Plenty of times I’ve been there for you?
I always doubt myself, always wonder whether I’m there enough. Good enough. Strong enough for you.
You got so much strength yourself. Makes me feel inadequate.
Yeah, I remember you almost quitting. My world was coming to an end, you expect me to forget that?
The Canadian Football Team.. That spot of crazy playfulness inside myself that I can only ever reach for you... or sometimes under cover, when I feel like letting go. But normally... you bring the kid out in me. Don’t know how you do it, but I love it when you do. Why can’t I tell you how much I appreciate that?
I can feel your eyes... so intense. I can’t look at you, or I’ll have this idiotic smile on my face. I love that look, Starsk. Makes my heart race.
Come to think of it, there ain’t much that I don’t love about you.
Terri – ouch. That hurt.
Terri.
When you walked out of that hospital room... you didn’t need to tell me she was dead. I saw it in the way you held yourself, the way you moved.
Hit you hard, that did. She was a lovely lady, Terri.
Mind you, she could see right through me. She phoned me... never told you that, did I.
Said she was relying on my love for you to pull you through.
Said to give you time to fall in love with me. I couldn’t believe I was hearing that. And then she said she’d seen it in my eyes. So I guess I’m lucky you’re not looking...
I don’t remember anything? Wrong pal. And how do I get myself out of this?
How?
You’d help me get out of it if you knew the kind of jam I’m in, I know you would.
God, Starsky, I think I’m beginning to lose my mind. And it’s all your fault.
You didn’t think you had the strength to remain on this Earth?
I knew then how you felt, Dave.
But hearing it said out loud hurts. Goes right through me, that does. Scares me silly, babe.
Didn’t dare leave you alone, not for a second. Hardly gave myself time to take a leak, rushed like mad in the shower.
You’ll never know I slept so light, so light... heard you toss and turn in your bed. Heard you cry.
Hardest thing was, I knew I couldn’t just walk in there and hold you. A grown man needs to cry alone in the dark. Different in the day, somehow.
Seeing you hurt like that... you’re so damn vulnerable. How I wished I could take that pain into myself and set you free, babe.
If you had quit, I would’ve quit right along with you. I love you that much.
Olli – oh yeah, Olli. That silly bear’s sitting on my bed, and everytime I look at him I think how much I want you there instead.
David, David – you’re driving me out of my mind.
Love you both... yes, but you know, buddy – I have a confession to make. I love you a lot more than I love that bear.
That sweet gypsy face of yours is my undoing Starsk... never seen anybody else who’s quite like you. Where emotions can swing from laughter to tears in the blink of an eye. Emotions so close to the surface... certainly when I’m around.
Wish I could make those emotions mine... make you stop wasting them on other people. Make all of you all mine.
Well, a guy can dream... and that’s probably all I ever dare do.
What did I just say? Oh. Stupid Monopoly games. Now I gave myself away.
“Hutch.” Your voice sounds just like your hands feel when you check me over for injuries. Fluttery, somehow. Infinitely gentle. But with enough strength to keep life in my body. Makes me go weak at the knees. Good job I’m flat on my back already.
Lie to you? Tell you yes, my memory came back?
Look at that face. You look like you were just released from San Quentin. Shit. I’m your prison, right pal?
I can’t lie. Not to you. Ever. I ought to get an Oscar for pulling that stunt on you for a whole two days. Now it’s over I don’t know how I did it.
“I never lost it.”
See, I can lie after all. I did lose it. Don’t know what got into me.
Look at the suspicion in your eyes now that what I just said registered. The way you’re closing the windows, so to speak – just so I can’t read your feelings. But you see, I can. I know you lock up like that when I slice away at you.
“What did you say?” Your incredulous voice, the distress... I’m such a jerk.
Looking at you, looking away.
Can’t stand to know I put that anguish into your eyes.
“I never lost it. I was faking it.”
“You were faking it.” Like an echo, and is that a touch of thunder I hear?
I need to know. I know it sounds idiotic, but hey – I’m a fool over you. So.
“How you doing?”
“How am I doing?” Uh-oh. That echo again. You echo me like that when you’re furious.
“Mh.”
“I could kill you.”
I think I’m dying.
I’m dying from the look on your face, babe, from the expression in your wide eyes and the agony in your voice. I’ve gone too far, I know. It’s killing me to know how much I can hurt you.
“Why?”
Starsky, I asked myself that same question. I have no answer.
“Why could you do this to me?”
Why could I do it? Not why did I do it? What are you asking pal?
But no, your face tells me to leave that thread for another time... later. Right now... you want to yell at me.
Well, I deserve to get yelled at.
I’ll give you an opening.
Hey, I did say I’d do anything for you. Okay, let’s think. Ah, yes... the reason for all this. At least you’ll know it’s part of the truth. You always know when I’m lying to you.
“To give you something to consider next time you double-clutch me into a truck!”
Well, what do I tell you... we did have a shouting match.
And then we laughed.
You looked dazzling by the way. I love your eyes all ablaze, love the way your face lights and the way your voice scalds.
I love you Starsky.
I slept really well after that.
Apart from those disturbing dreams of course... being in a bed right next to you isn’t good for my health. Damn, and I had to be really quiet about it because of your acute hearing.
You slept like a baby – you were so happy to have things back to normal.
Can’t make up my mind whether I like that blue bathrobe better on you than this black thing with the ridiculous sleeves. You spend way too much time with Huggy – gotta stop you from dressing like that.
Yeah, who am I fooling.
You can wear cut-offs and T-shirts that end... way too soon. For my peace of mind, that is. I always wonder why you bother with T-shirts at all. But even dressed like that you look like some Greek god. To me, anyway.
I ought to stop thinking about stuff like that, especially when you’re breathing into my ear. Buddy, I have to put up something between us, even if it’s just my arm.
Ever since you stuck that silly flower into the bandage around my head I can feel your hand in my hair. The things you do to me... do you know how much I suffer at your hands, pal?
No, you don’t. Never will, if I can help it. Nonetheless...
Will you look at Dobey’s smile. I could swear he knows what I’m thinking.
Okay, I’ll give you a hint – I’ll try to get into your bed. No? Well, didn’t expect an invitation. Not really.
Stop touching me.
Don’t ever stop.
For heaven’s sake, Starsky. Keep your hands off me or I won’t be responsible.
Yeah, nurse. I know my pulse is going like a crazy thing!
Always does when Starsky is close to me. Like, in the same room.
Probably rather unhealthy, to have your heart rush like that all day long. Don’t bother about that medication, lady – I know it won’t slow down.
Just knowing Starsky is in the same town as me makes my heart skip. Dance.
I live for that feeling. Don’t you dare take it away from me.
Hey – did Starsky ever ask you for your phone number? Hasn’t, has he? Never even asked your name, I don’t think. Maybe there’s hope?
Uh-oh. You needn’t have told Dobey about me faking amnesia. That look... he’s thought of something there.
Thanks buddy, for that protective arm up there. Bet you thought I wouldn’t even notice. You’d be surprised at how aware I am of all you do...
Traffic duty. At 6 am.
And no protest from you.
A quick look to silence me. Me’n’Thee, that look tells me.
As long as I’ve got that.
I want you to become my lover. But it doesn’t have to be.
I’ll be content with what we are.
Partners. Me’n’Thee.