From
This Day Forward: A Time For Love, A Time For Us.
He held out his hand to me to help him get out of the car. I reached in to help him up and out of the passenger seat. Our eyes met and I knew, we both knew, that we could never go back to 'that time before'...life could be too short and this man's life was far too precious to me, to not acknowledge how I felt.... what he felt.
A hailstorm of machine gun fire had almost taken everything away from me that mattered most. No more, no more pretending, no more half-truths, no more holding back. Our time together was much too precious and fragile to live a lie one minute longer for society's sake. I had always loved my partner, that had always been an unsaid and very valuable bond between us, but I was also 'in love' with Starsky, however distasteful that might be to some people.
All of my future hopes and dreams were neatly wrapped up in my male partner and my best friend.
I was distracted from my thoughts by Huggy's voice asking me if I could use some help. Huggy had met us at the hospital, almost as happy as I was to take Starsky home.
"Hey Blondie, how can I help?"
"If you could get the door and the overnight bag out of the back seat of the car, that would help."
I tossed the keys to Huggy, as a gasp of pain and a drawn in breath brought my full attention back to my partner. It was taking all of my partner's strength to try and get up and out of the car and into a semi-standing position. His fingers dug into my jacket sleeve.
"Starsk, lean on me and try to relax for a minute, take all the time you need."
"Kay."
That was all he managed to say. His voice was barely above a whisper.
"Got all cramped up and stiff sitting in the car like that, can't straighten up just yet...need a minute. I'll be okay."
"Sure Babe, you take all the time you need."
Starsky leaned into me, most of his body sagging against mine. He was in considerable pain and his face was pale as a ghost. The pain shot that he had been given about an hour before he was discharged from the hospital had just about worn off. I needed to get him inside and off of his feet as quickly as possible.
After a minute or so had passed my partner tried his best to straighten up and we started walking from the car to the house. Walking slightly behind Starsky and to his side I gently supported the majority of his weight. I let him set the pace into the house.
After about five or six steps he nearly stumbled, and he slowly shook his head.
"Hutch I gotta stop and catch my breath, my chest hurts, I....I don't feel so good...gotta stop." Starsky was breathless.
"Okay, easy buddy, I’ve got ya."
I eased my arms around and under his, so that I held his body up against mine. A warm head fell heavily against me, and my chin rested on the top of the dark curls.
"Hutch?"
"Starsk, I'm here, not gonna let you fall…Hey.” I said to him almost in a whisper “Would it be easier if I carried you the rest of the way? Starsk?"
The silky soft curls shook back and forth under my chin.
"No, don't want you to hafta do that, I can do it, just need to catch my breath."
(Aww Starsk, even with all the pain you are in, you are still putting me first....how do you do that...?)
I looked up to see Huggy coming back out of the house. Thank God for our dark friend, he had been so good to both of us since this whole nightmare began.
"Anything else I can do Blondie?"
I shook my head at him.
---
Starsky was determined to make it inside on his own. I let him, although he was shaky I also knew that he needed to get back some control over his life. So much had been taken away from him.
On top of the obvious pain he was in, his injured lung made breathing painful and difficult. None the less my stubborn partner made it into the house, and I eased him unto the couch and immediately put his feet up, and a pillow went under his back, shoulders and head.
The Adidas were next. I slipped them off and tossed them under the coffee table. I noticed that there was a fine sheen of sweat on Starsky's face already soaking the tips of his curls. Even with him lying down on the couch, I could see his breathing was still labored. Any exertion at all that he put on that injured lung screamed it's painful protest.
My partner had survived the hail of bullets and the cardiac arrest but looking down at him now he was so frightfully thin, had almost no color in his face...along with the new lines around his eyes and mouth that hadn't been there before the shooting. His eyes had lost the sparkle that had always made him seem so alive and had brought so much joy into my life.
He reached up for the afghan that was folded on top of the couch, but stopped short in a gasp of pain and he grabbed for his side.
"Owww, Hutch. God this sucks!" His voice was laced with pain as he let himself fall back onto the pillows, trying to catch his breath.
"I'll do that partner, you just stay still, let me take care of things, let me take care of you, that's what I'm here for."
I covered him up with the colorful afghan and pushed a few sweaty curls off of his forehead. Then I glanced up at the clock on the wall. Shit, it wasn't near time yet to give him his next dose of medications but he needed some relief right now from the pain. I could not stand to make him wait for another hour, besides I would be right here looking after him.
Huggy had followed us into the house and had been listening to the exchange between Starsky and me. He handed me a clear plastic bag from the hospital that contained all of Starsky's medications and written care instructions.
"Need this?"
"Yea thanks, Hug."
I rummaged through the bag and found the bottle of pain pills that I was looking for , and I started to get up from my seat next to Starsky to go into the kitchen to get a glass of juice for him to take the pills with. My partner's voice stopped me.
"Hutch stay with me for a while, please?"
I looked into the deep sapphire blue eyes that told a story of pain, hopelessness, despair and fear for a now very uncertain future. Nothing in this world right now could have made me take a step away from this man. My heart was breaking for him. For us.
With closed eyes a soft and shaking voice said, "I get really scared Hutch, especially when you're not around; I know that I must sound like a big baby."
He looked like a little boy afraid of the dark. I knew he was scared, and he had every right
to be. I was scared too.
"Oh Starsk, there will never be a time when I'm not around, as long as I have time on this earth I'll always be here for you. There's nowhere else I would rather be."
"Kay...Hutch, just need you to keep telling me it's all gonna be okay."
"Aww buddy, it will be okay, 'Me and Thee', like always, remember that Babe...please don't be afraid."
Huggy had gone into the kitchen and returned with a glass of juice which he held out to Starsky.
“Thanks Hug.” Hutch took the initiative and spilled out two of the pills into Starsky’s hand.
"Here you go partner, this will make you feel a lot better."
Starsky took the pills and the glass of juice from Huggy with shaking hands. Before the juice could spill out all over his shirt and the afghan I covered Starsky’s two shaking hands with one of my own, steadying the glass of juice for Starsky to wash the pills down with. When he had finished the glass of juice, I handed the glass back to Huggy,
Starsky never taking his eyes off of me.
"Hey buddy, I know you're hurting pretty bad right now and you're over tired, so why don’t you try to sleep for a while?"
The sapphire eyes watched me as I sat beside him on the edge of the couch, soft silky curls tangled around my fingers as I ran my hand back and forth through the curly mop. A warm hand was offered to me and I enfolded it in my free one.
"I love you Hutch…want to get better so I can 'show' you just how much I really do....I want to make love to you…want you to make love to me."
His eyelids drooped finally closing, and Starsky fell into an exhausted sleep, the only place where the pain was kept at bay.
(God Starsk…I’ve wanted to love you for so long…)
I unconsciously leaned down and brushed my lips gently against my partner’s. From this day forward, I would no longer hide my feelings or my love for the treasure I had brought home today.
Whether Starsky realized it or not that Huggy was still in the room I didn't know, and frankly it just didn't matter anymore. If Huggy had any doubts as to just what the relationship was between my partner and me he didn't have to wonder anymore.
"Hutch, don't worry about it. Nothing I didn't already know, and I ain't gonna tell the world, if you get my meaning. Starsky loves you man, and God how I know you love him. Don't let that much love slip away just because society says it shouldn't be. I have never seen you happier or more content then when you and Starsky are together.”
Hutch suddenly found the invisible lint on his shirt very interesting and his cheeks reddened.
So Huggy had known all along, even before Starsky and I had known ourselves.
"Hug, I don't know what to say, you're absolutely right, and we are not going to let what we have slip away, nor are we gonna hide it anymore. Thanks Hug, from the both of us."
I shook my head, remembering the infamous sprinkler party in Starsky's hospital room....
"Hey Hug? You remember the sprinkler party we had that night in the hospital? I kissed Starsky that night, and you know what he said to me?” Hutch smiled. “He said, ‘would you do that again?’ So I kissed him again and he asked me to bend down and he gently kissed me back. He wanted me as much as I wanted him."
Huggy put another beer in front of his blond friend, happy that his two best friends finally saw the light. Hutch went on.
"Starsky asked me to hold him, he didn't want me to leave him that night. I'd laid down with him in his bed and put my arm around him, I didn’t care what the nurses might think. I felt at that moment that life had just begun. A change took place and we both knew there was no going back. We stayed like that the rest of the night." Hutch smiled to himself as he thought of Starsky. "I'm still surprised the nurses didn't kick me out.” The smile turned into a small chuckle. “As he drifted off to sleep I knew that nothing and no one mattered more to me than my badly injured partner; I didn't give a damn then and I don't give a damn now if he’s ever able to go back on the streets again.” Hutch’s eyes turned solemn as memories of the too recent shooting interrupted his thoughts. “I was scared Hug…really scared. I only want to never be alone again; I know that I want to wake up each and every morning of my life wrapped up in our love for each other.” Hutch paused momentarily, his emotions close to spilling over.
Huggy put a hand on Hutch’s shoulder and squeezed for support. Hutch, I know you were scared, I was too. I almost lost both of my best friends.” Hutch put a knowing hand on top of his dark friends, thankful for his continued and unconditional friendship, and went on.
"I laid down as close to Starsky as I could and drank in the living warmth of his body, I watched the rise and fall of his chest. I maneuvered the curly head half on his pillow and half on me. He needed taking care of and he trusted and wanted me to take care of him. He was more vulnerable at that moment than he had ever been. Hug I knew that from that night on we could never go back to the way we were before, I was 'in love' with him and he was 'in love' with me."
Hutch took a deep breath, looking at the miracle on the couch.
"Hug, especially now, he needs a lot of love and a lot of taking care of. I'm just grateful that I have the chance to be the one to take care of him. I sure as hell wouldn’t trust anyone else doing it, besides that Hug… I just love him so much."
"I don't want him to be afraid of whatever is to come, his whole life is gonna be different Hug. I want to be his protector, his best friend, his lover, and if he can come back, his partner."
Huggy nodded in acknowledgement, knowing Hutch needed someone to talk to, someone who would not judge him and would understand. He let Hutch go on.
"You know, he is the only person that has always accepted me for who I am, the good and the bad. He just keeps on loving me and doesn't judge me.”
“He loves you Hutch…that’s been obvious to me for years.”
" It’s really been that obvious?” Hutch smiled. “You know, after he woke up from the coma and the Doctor removed the endotracial tube from his throat, do you know what the first thing was that he asked me?"
“Well, with Curly, I bet he asked for a burrito or a donut?”
“No…God, Hug, he didn’t ask me about what had happened to him, just asked me if I was okay. Was ‘I’ okay? He could barely form the words and was hurting so bad, yet that’s what he said. ‘Hutch are you okay?’ I almost lost it Hug…no one had ever loved me like Starsky loves me, no one, and I almost lost him, almost lost it all."
"Hutch don't go there; you and Curly have a lot on your plate right now, but now you have the time to show how much you love each other and you’ll be doing that now for the rest of your lives."
Starsky groaned in his sleep, taking Hutch’s attention away from his conversation with Huggy.
"Look man, I got to get back to 'The Pits' before they steal me blind, and I think it would be good for you and Starsk to have some private time together. You need anything, you call. Rest yourself some too, Hutch, you look almost as bad as your partner.” He nodded in Starsky's direction. "He's not the only one that has a lot of healing to do."
Hutch nodded. "Thanks Hug for just being there when we need you, I've been so used to Starsky being there to always pick up the pieces."
“I’m glad to be here. Rest Blondie, it's gonna take some time but he's gonna get better."
"Yes he is Hug, yes he is."
I walked Huggy to the door and watched as he drove off in his car. He was a good friend to us and his friendship and support had been instrumental in keeping me grounded after the shooting.
Starsky was sound asleep on the couch and Huggy was right, I was bone tired, both physically and mentally. Now was a good time to rest while my partner slept. I sat down in the recliner and pushed it into a horizontal position, turned my head so I could see my partner on the couch, sleep was only a few exhausting minutes away.
---
Something was waking me up pulling me up and out of my quiet slumber. My sleep was interrupted by voices...no not voices...one voice…my partner's voice. My eyes popped open, and I blinked a few times trying to clear them of sleep. Starsky was still asleep but was thrashing around on the couch, obviously in some kind of distress.
The afghan had been shoved down past his hips, about to fall to the floor. He was obviously having a bad nightmare.
"No, no, my Dad, no not my Dad, please no!”
Strangling sounds came from Starsky as a coughing fit seized him. I quickly sat down on the side of the couch as close to him as I could get, reaching under his arms and around his back to sit him up. He was struggling for each breath he took, his eyes blinked open registering a heartbreaking grief.
“Starsk?”
Starsky broke out in another coughing fit, worse than the last one. I lifted him up into a sitting position on the couch and sat down beside him.
"Easy there Buddy, don't talk anymore, I'm right here, you just had a bad dream."
"My dad Hutch…it was about my Dad!!!”
More coughing.
"I know buddy, I know.”
Starsky’s whole upper body was bathed in perspiration. Damn, he was talking about his Dad, dreaming about his Dad getting shot.
"Please try to calm down Babe, you're scaring me, easy does it...breathe in, breathe out, try to relax. I’m right here with you."
I nestled the curly head against my chest and ran my fingers through the now soaked curls. Starsky's arms were pressed against my chest, and he was holding on to my shirtfront as tightly as he could. He lifted his head slightly to look up at me. "Yeah, a bad dream, just a dream but so damn real.”
"That's all it was partner, just a bad dream, can't hurt you, nothing is gonna hurt you now."
He sank deeper into my shirtfront, almost melting into my chest.
"Hutch, it was awful, seemed so real."
I could feel his heart beating through my shirt.
"Hutch, it wasn't me that was shot, I dreamed that my Dad got shot, he was shot and he was laying beside the Torino, there was blood everywhere and I couldn't get to him. I just watched him bleed to death. Hutch, he just died right there and I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to him.”
Another coughing fit…I kept my arms wrapped around him.
"Look at me Starsk. We're home and we're together, you're just a little mixed up right now from all the medicine."
He lifted his head off of my chest and slowly looked up at me needing reassurance. I was his everything since the shooting. His strength, security and safety net, and I’d be there for him as long as he needed, forever if necessary. When Starsky hurt, I hurt, and I felt so damn powerless at times. Thankfully the coughing had stopped.
"Hey you okay, getting easier to breathe partner?"
"Yeah, guess I got a little too excited and kinda confused.”
"No problem partner. It’s just you and me here, Starsk. You’re safe…everything’s okay.”
(Surprised you know your name at times with all the drugs running through your body)
"I’m glad you’re here Hutch. Don’t’ know what I’d do without ya. You’re all I need, just you, don't need anyone else."
Starsky stopped as he felt tears beginning to surface again, silently scolding himself for being so emotional. He felt like he was on an emotional roller coaster since he woke from the coma.
"Hey…hey. I’m here...you’re okay.” Hutch held on tighter to his burden, feeling Starsky begin to shake with emotion. You'll always have me babe, and when you are better I'll show you just how much I love you."
“Thanks Hutch, I think I’m okay now.” Starsky kept his grasp on the front of Hutch’s shirt, only loosening when he began to fall into a restful sleep, feeling safe within his partner’s arms.
We were both exhausted, physically and emotionally, and fell asleep only to wake a couple of hours later, Starsky in my arms, his head on my chest. I didn’t have the heart to wake him. It seemed to be the first real rest he’d gotten since I brought him home.
We had eaten a light dinner and I had coaxed Starsky into eating most of what was on his plate...it was going to take a while for him to get his appetite back and I made a mental note to stock up on tempting treats that I thought I could get him to eat. We had started out sitting side by side on the couch watching the local sports channel, but if anyone had asked me which team was playing or who was winning I couldn't have told them. Starsky had laid his head down in my lap and had pulled his legs up to fit them on the couch. The afghan was covering him and he was using my lap for a pillow.
"Penny for your thoughts, Starsk?"
"Huh, what? Oh, just thinking how lucky I am to have you. I was thinking about the night after the sprinkler party how much I wanted you to touch me and then you climbed into bed with me and just stayed close to me, kinda snuggled up to me, and I knew that I wanted you to love me like no one has ever loved me. I wanted you to love me the way I knew that I loved you but I was so damn scared that if I told you that you'd, well…you know, not want me like that. I have never wanted a man's hands on me before Hutch, never, but I knew that I wanted you to touch me, but only you.”
Hutch just listened and kept his hold on his partner, unconsciously running his fingers through the thick curls in his lap.
"I was so afraid of losing our friendship and I was awfully fuzzy at the time, I just couldn't think straight. Then you came in and woke me up with a kiss, and it felt so good. I opened my eyes and you picked up my hand and held it with my palm to your lips and kissed me again, and I prayed to God that you loved me the same way that I loved you."
Starsky continued to spill his feelings and thoughts to Hutch, leaning into the fingers in his hair, closing his eyes momentarily.
"Then you laid your head down on my chest, ever so gently taking the utmost care not to hurt me and you started to cry, quietly so that you would not disturb me, but I was just resting my eyes. I wanted so much to hold you and take away the pain and the fear that I had seen in your eyes. Although Gunther’s bullets had torn open my body they might as well have torn open yours too, because you were suffering right along with me. I heard you say, **Almost lost you, Starsk, God, I almost lost you** - you said through your tears.”
Unknowing to Starsky, Hutch’s eyes were beginning to get moist. He couldn’t have been happier at hearing his partner telling him how he really felt. He loved Starsky so intensely…so much that sometimes it hurt. He listened as Starsky went on.
"You said, **'I can't hide my feelings for you any longer** and you told me that you loved me, that you were ‘in love’ with me.” I wanted so much to hug you, but my hands had IV's taped to them and my mouth felt like there were cotton balls in it, and it was impossible for me to stay awake. Too bad it took a hail of bullets from Gunther for the two of us to realize it. I guess neither one of us is the brightest crayon in the box, are we?"
"Speak for yourself, Gordo and where did you get that stuff about the crayons anyway?"
"Saw it in one of those tee shirt catalogs we got in the mail, saved the catalog, thought I would get you that shirt for your birthday or something."
"You ‘are’ crazy,” My hand reached down to ruffle the soft silky curls. Starsky felt so good to me like this, so natural to be holding him. Sapphire eyes looked up at me through dark dusky lashes.
"Hey Blondie...you know…it’s been a while since you kissed me..."
My hand froze in route to its journey through the curly mop. "What? Been a while since I kissed you?"
"Uh, huh, that's what I said Blondie. So…would you kiss me now?"
"I'd like nothing better than to kiss you. You’ve been talking so much I didn’t’ think I’d get a chance!"
Starsky didn’t laugh, only looked into the sky blue eyes staring into his own, longing for Hutch to make his move.
I leaned down to meet Starsky's inviting mouth. I thought my heart would jump out of my chest. God, how I’ve loved this man! I had waited for this moment for years.
“Hutch?” A warm hand reached up to touch my cheek.
Our lips melted together in the sweetest kiss I could have imagined, there was want, need, and desire; but above all these there was love of the purest kind.
"Thank you." Starsky said to me, tears in his eyes.
"You’re thanking me?” Babe, thank you. Our lips met again.
We stayed on the couch. Time no longer existed. Starsky stayed close, with his head in my lap absently playing with the buttons on my shirt while my fingers worked their way through his luscious curls. I’d never felt closer to my partner than after this electric moment.
"Uh, Hutch?"
Starsky was trying to sit upright.
"No don't move, stay right where you are, you feel too good.”
"I can't," he said to me.
"You can't, why not?" Are you hurting, do you need a pain pill?"
"No, no, Florence Nightingale, what I really need is to take a leak and unless you want me to share that with you too..."
Starsky was looking at me and grinning ear to ear and wiggling his eyebrows in a terrible Groucho Marks impression.
"No Smartass," I told him, I'll pass on that."
I stood up and offered a hand to him to get up off of the couch. We headed for the bathroom side by side. I couldn't help but notice the slight limp and slowness in Starsky's steps. He reached out for me to steady himself and when my fingers reached his I could feel him trembling.
“Starsk?”
I'm just a little shaky is all Hutch."
"I know partner and it's okay."
Bending and stretching were still beyond what he could do without pain and I lifted the lid for him.
"Since we're in here, we might as well get you a shower and that means I get to take one too, no way am I gonna leave you in here by yourself." I turned to gather up washcloths and bath towels.
"Oh, damn, damn, hurts my stomach. Even hurts to take a leak.”
He was standing over the commode but nothing was happening. Another groan as his stomach muscles contracted and relaxed and contracted some more straining to pee.
I cringed at the thought that something as basic as going to the bathroom was still painful to him.
He had one hand leaning on the wall for support. Finally after a few long minutes he was able to relieve himself. I waited until he was finished and then asked him.
"Everything okay there partner?"
"Is now, just have to get things going again, guess my 'plumbing' is still messed up some."
I rubbed his shoulder.
"I know partner."
I turned on the shower water and adjusted the temperature, making sure that the water was just right, I didn't want the water to be too hot or too cold because I knew that it would hurt Starsky's healing body.
"You ready for that shower now partner? Starsk?"
But he was pre-occupied, he was staring wide-eyed at the all to obvious hard-on that I was trying so hard to ignore. But the bulge in my pants was still all too prominent, uncontrollable.
"It's your fault Starsk, you just felt so damn good laying all over me on the couch."
“What? You mean, 'I' did that?"
"Well look around you Gordo, see anyone else in here?"
I saw him reach down and feel himself, but only a soft mound of flesh awaited his fingers. I could see his discouragement. He looked back up at me and with a half-hearted smile said, “I wish.”
"You will, all those meds you are on have you all messed up right now, but soon things will ‘rise’ to the occasion."
"Hutch that's bad, really bad, ‘rise to the occasion’?" Starsky chuckled, ‘rise to the occasion’, you should be ashamed of yourself. I'm a convalescent, you shouldn't be teasing me like that."
We both broke out in a fit of laughter.
"Stop it, don't make me laugh like that, hurts too much, stop it."
It felt so good to be kidding around with Starsky again, seemed like a lifetime ago when we had done that. Starsky brushed his hand over the bulge in my pants.
" Starsk, you better quit that. Come on partner, now I know I need that cold shower, thanks to you."
I began to take off my clothes when I realized that Starsky hadn't made a move to undress. He was just standing there staring at the water running in the shower. His eyes were brimming over with unshed tears.
I reached out and gently touched his shoulder, "Starsk?"
Silky soft curls shook back and forth and I saw his Adam’s apple start to work. He was ashamed of his disfigured chest and flaccid “area.”
"Hutch, just look at you, perfect and all."
He reached out and ran both of his hands up and down my chest.
"I could look at you all day and never get enough. I....I...can't give you much in return."
He took his hands from my chest and ran them over his own chest and abdomen. "This, it's so ugly, doesn't seem fair to you. I can hardly stand to look at myself, how can I expect you to want to look at me or touch me?"
Along with the noticeable scars on his abdomen and chest the scars from the entry wounds were almost as bad.
"Hey Buddy, the scars will fade in time, they won't always look like this. When I look at you I see ‘you’, not scars, only beauty. Look at me Starsk; I love you for what's in your heart, no amount of scars can change that."
Starsky still hadn’t made a move to undress.
"Now come on and get your clothes off before we really do wind up taking a 'cold' shower."
"Okay."
“He wiggled out of his jeans while I unbuttoned his shirt, slipped it down off of his shoulders and arms and together we removed his navy blue tee shirt.
Starsky melted into me suddenly, and gave me a hug. I hugged him back and I wound my arms around his back where I felt the scars from the entry wounds.
“Thanks Hutch for loving me so much, I just don’t want you to ever be disappointed in me, I’m gonna try real hard to be everything you want me to be, gonna love you with everything I have to give. I hope it’s enough.”
I really was holding a living breathing miracle, my miracle.
“And Hutch, thank you for not making me feel ugly.”
“Anytime Babe, don’t ever think of yourself that way, you’re beautiful, just beautiful.” I kissed the top of the curly mop of curls.
"Now get in here partner, haven't you heard about the water shortage?"
I stepped into the shower first and held my hands out to Starsky to help him. Starsky turned his back to me and rested his head back against my chest and leaned into me.
Being ultra careful not to hurt him I lathered up a washcloth with bath gel and slowly and carefully washed my partner's chest and abdomen. Even with all the care I took doing this, his body involuntarily flinched as the washcloth moved over the still tender, healing scars and incisions. When he flinched I quickly stopped what I was doing.
"It's okay Hutch, just do it, I need to get cleaned up. It's not you, I'm gonna be sore for a long time to come, can't do anything about that…so don't stop."
"Starsky, I just don't want to hurt you."
“I’m not gonna break Hutch. I like what you’re doing.”
As I went about the task of washing my partner's body my mind painted a vivid picture of him laying in pools of blood on the ground in the police garage. Would I ever be able to put that day behind me? I really don't think I ever will.
"Turn around buddy and let me get your back for you before the water gets cold."
Starsky turned carefully around so that I could wash his back.
“Starsk, if I do anything that hurts you please let me know and I’ll stop. God, Starsk, I'm just so afraid I might hurt you.”
"Hutch, you love me too much to ever hurt me."
I busied myself washing my partner's back still ignoring the partial hard-on that I had.
"What about your hair? Want me to shampoo it for you?"
"Nah, it can wait until tomorrow, but I can't bend down and get my legs and feet… sorry."
"No problem partner, that's what I'm here for. You always wanted me to wait on you hand and foot didn’t you?” Starsky chuckled.
I stooped down and washed his legs and feet for him. Then I heard my partner clear his throat.
“Aww Hutch, I think you missed something.”
I straightened back up and took a look over his shoulder to see what he was talking about and I saw that he was touching himself. He had his left hand on his penis and his fingers were kneading the soft sacks on either side of it. Nothing but limp and warm flesh met his fingers.
“I wasn’t going to miss anything babe, just wanted to be sure that you were okay with this, I mean with me touching you there.”
“Hutch you know it’s okay, it’s more than okay.”
That was all I needed to hear from Starsky.
I reached around him with a warm and soapy washcloth and reverently cupped his penis and the soft warm sacks between my fingers, massaging gently. I felt Starsky’s body jump momentarily and then relax back against mine.
“Hutch, you know that I haven’t been able to…you know…since I got shot.”
“I know partner, the meds are stopping anything from happening, and you won’t always have to take all that stuff.” You’re starting to heal and “that” will return. Getting off of the meds will help a lot and you can rest a lot better now that you are home. Do you feel anything at all Starsk? I mean any sensation…?”
“Not the way you mean, no, but it feels really good just having you wash me like this, kinda like all of me is loved.”
Starsky was beginning to slump against me more and more and I realized that he was rapidly reaching his very limited energy supply.
“Whoa there, partner, I think it’s time we got you out of here and into bed for the night.” You’ve had a pretty full day for your first day home from the hospital.”
I knew that Starsky should be in bed by now, before now…getting some much needed rest, but he felt so good and I couldn’t seem to pull myself away from him.
He held onto my shoulders to steady himself and I could feel the slight trembling in his left hand. I stood back up and looked into his face.
“Hey, are you okay?”
“Yea, just starting to get a little tired and a little bit shaky standing up this long, but it felt so good, I could get used to this shower thing with you real quick, Blondie.”
Starsky swayed a little and was getting much more unsteady on his feet.
“Hutch, I think I’d better sit down pretty soon, though. Bed sounds really good to me right now.”
“Okay, hang on just a minute more Starsk.”
I reached over his head and turned off the water, stepped out of the tub first, never relinquishing my hold on him. Then I helped him step out of the tub and immediately wrapped him in an extra large bath towel. I noticed even with the towel wrapped around him as soon as he got out from under the warm water of the shower he had begun to shiver.
“Cold, Hutch, man am I cold.”
I grabbed yet another towel and started to dry him off as quickly as I could. Even though his hair had not been shampooed the curls were glistening from the shower spray, every curl going it’s own way.
“That better now partner? You warming up some?”
He nodded at me.
“I feel a whole lot better already, thanks partner.”
Starsky began to walk out of the bathroom with the towels still wrapped around him, he stopped, looked over at me and unwrapped the towels from around his body and let them drop to the floor.
“I guess this is as good a time as any for me to stop worrying about what I look like, not like you haven’t seen it all anyway.”
“Starsk, you’re beautiful to me, always will be.”
“Then it’s gonna be okay because you are the only one that counts as far as I’m concerned.”
Starsky walked naked as a newborn out of the bathroom and into the bedroom and eased himself into a sitting position on the edge of the bed. I wasn’t sure if he had enough energy left to change into bedclothes and to crawl under the covers. He looked so tired, so vulnerable. The outline of each of his ribs was visible under his skin with every breath that he took. Looking at him sitting there with no clothes on the stark reality of just how much weight he had lost was frightening, he must have been twenty pounds under his normal weight. I walked past him to the dresser running my hand across his shoulders.
“Hey, I almost forgot, I got something for you.”
He watched me as I reached into the drawer and pulled out a pair of new silk pajamas, blue with red piping that I had purchased a few days prior to Starsky’s release from the hospital. His Doctor had suggested that Starsky have something soft and non-abrasive to sleep in, something that would not pull on or irritate the extremely tender new scar tissue. These pajamas had cost a bundle but if they made Starsky feel more comfortable they were worth every penny of what I had paid for them.
“You didn’t have to go and do that Hutch, I could have worn some of my old stuff.”
“I know I didn’t have to do it but I wanted to, okay Gordo?” Now let me help you into these before you fall asleep sitting up.”
Starsky was so tired by now that he practically let me dress him. I paused at the second to the last button on his pajama top.
“You’re beautiful Starsk and I love you so much.”
His hand came up to caress my cheek. “I do know how much you love me Hutch, I wouldn’t be here right now if you didn’t. You gave me, no let me start over again…you ‘give’ me a reason to want to get better. Thank you partner, thank you for giving me back my life.”
“The pleasure’s all mine Starsk.”
A long drawn out yawn signaled me that my partner needed his sleep.
“You need to lay down and get some sleep, let me go get your meds for the night.”
Starsky didn’t move a muscle.
“Ain’t going nowhere Blondie.”
“Okay, be back in a sec Starsk.”
Starsky took his prescribed medications and handed me back the empty glass and gave me an now all to familiar disgusted look.
“Damn Hutch, I fucking hate to have to take all this stuff.”
“I know you hate it but for now…”
“Yea, I know I have to Hutch but I don’t have to like it.”
“No you don’t partner, but remember that Dr. Kellerman had already reduced some of what you had to take.”
A hesitant voice asked me.
“Hutch?”
“Please come to bed with me; I don’t want to be alone anymore.”
“Babe, neither one of us is ever going to be alone again. Now get under the covers, we both need to sleep.”
Helping Starsky into a reclining position on the bed I felt helpless as I watched him struggle to find a reasonably comfortable position. He settled for lying partially on his side. After he was still I laid down beside him and scooted over to where I could snuggle him up against me, his back resting against my chest and stomach. The rest of his body fit perfectly within the confines of mine. He moved his head back so that it was half on his pillow and half on me. After he had stopped moving around I asked him.
“Are you gonna be comfortable enough like this?”
“Oh yeah, made sure of that, made myself right at home.”
After making sure the blankets were up and around his shoulders my hand instinctively rubbed his back, chest and stomach through the covers.
“That feels nice Hutch, so good.”
Starsky’s body seemed to have melted into mine.
I was almost asleep when I felt Starsky stirring.
“You still awake Hutch? Hutch?”
“Yeah, what you need Starsk?”
“Uh, nothing, it’s really comfortable sleeping like this, isn’t it?”
“You’ll get no complaints from me buddy.”
“Hutch?”
“What Starsk?”
I was determined not to open my eyes.
“I’m ‘really’ comfortable, I mean with you holding me like you’re doing.”
“Starsk, I’m glad you’re ‘so’ comfortable, but you really need to go to sleep.”
A long drawn out sigh reluctantly made me open my eyes and stare at the back of his curly head.
“Okay, I give up. What’s going on in that devious mind of yours?”
“Oh nothing much, I guess I should just shut up and try to go to sleep.”
Another sigh, even longer than the last one.
That did it. “Oh no you don’t Gordo, you started this, now what’s up?”
“Funny that you should ask that Hutch.”
Sometimes having a conversation with my partner was like trying to find your way out of a maze blindfolded. (Hutchinson, after all these years you should no better than to ask) “All right, I’ll bite, funny I should ask ‘what’?”
“You said, “what’s up?”
Starsky had clearly placed the emphasis on the word ‘up’.
A pajama-clad arm that had been resting on mine tugged on mine until both of our hands were touching his lower abdomen. His hand slowly urged mine to explore the area under the top of his pajama bottoms. He wrapped his hand around mine and my hand was met by hardness.
“Damn Starsk, what’s this?” That was all I could say. “But I though you couldn’t…I mean before in the shower…”
“I know but I was tired and had been on my feet, guess getting comfortable and all is just what the doctor ordered…rest and recreation.”
I smiled to myself at the unique way that Starsky always managed to slaughter any well-known expression.
“That’s ‘rest and relaxation’ Starsk, not recreation.”
Starsky’s fingers pushed down on mine, not hearing a word I just said.
He was coming alive in my hand and the surrounding sacks were no longer empty and limp, they were filling up fast as was the size of his penis in my hand. His fingers were digging into my hand with an urgency that could not be ignored for long.
“Buddy I thought your meds wouldn’t let this…”
“Guess maybe they haven’t had a chance to get into my system yet or at least this far down anyway. So if you would stop talking about it…please Hutch?”
His lower body squirmed under our joined hands.
“Hutch, it’ll all probably be over in a flash but would you, I mean, if you even want to, could you?…”
“Starsk are you sure?” I felt myself getting nervous for the first time since…well, I mean I never…you know…this was Starsky, my best friend, my partner…I relaxed, this man was going to be my lover as well. I hoped Starsky didn’t feel my trembling or the pounding of my heart.
There was a slight nod of the curly head against mine.
I smiled to myself, and took a smooth and deep breath…I wanted this man.
His fingers were still curled around mine urging me to take complete possession of him. My fingers brushed against the now full sacks on either side of his erection.
“Your hand felt really good in the shower when everything was limp as a dishrag, can’t begin to describe how good this feels now. Feels like I got a telephone pole between my legs.”
“Any…anything spec…special you want me to do for you?”
“Not a thing, but once you start please don’t stop because I don’t think Mother Nature will give me more than one shot at this. Hutch, please…now…nothin to be nervous about. I love you.”
Spreading out my thumb and little finger I kneaded the full sacks as my middle fingers tightened around Starsky’s erection.
He groaned. “Oh God, Hutch, now, please now…”
My little finger traveled over the now moist slit of his penis and I rubbed my finger back and forth. I knew Starsky couldn’t last long, and the meds would soon kick in, so I moved my hand up and down his shaft faster. His entire body stiffened and he erupted, spewing his seed onto the sheets, wave after wave of it until the last drop was spent.
I felt his sacks soften and his penis go limp in my hand, he was shuttering.
“David? You okay there?”
“Okay?” he asked me as his body calmed and he got his breathing under control. “I’m more than okay, I just orbited the planet. I don’t think that I can move.”
I chuckled to myself. God how I loved this man. I felt like the luckiest man alive that he wanted ‘me’…Kenneth Hutchinson…his partner, friend and now lover.
“Just lay there.”
I got up and went to the bathroom and came back with a warm wet wash cloth and cleaned my treasure up as good as I could.
He hadn’t moved a muscle.
Using the folded towel that I had also brought from the bathroom I laid it over the wet spots on the bed.
“Thanks Hutch.”
He was talking to me through half closed eye lids.
“You’re more than welcome partner. Now you think you can sleep?” I asked him.
“Sleep, oh yeah, wake me up by this time tomorrow.”
I got back into bed and under the covers reclaiming my previous sleeping position and snuggled my partner’s body up as close as possible to my chest. “Love ya, Starsk, love you so much.” I kissed the silky curls.
“Love you too Hutch. Hutch?”
“What Starsk?”
By his voice I could tell Starsky was struggling to stay awake.
“I feel kinda selfish, you made it so good for me, what about you? You must need…”
“Later Babe, all in good time.”
“But I want to make you feel that good too.”
Starsky was beginning to trip over his words.
“Tonight was just for you Babe, I’m fine.”
(An ice cold wash cloth did wonders for me)
“You really love me that much.” Starsky was making a statement, not asking a question.
“Yes I really love you that much Gordo, now stop talking and go…to…sleep…”
“Kay, but Hutch?”
“I love you more.”
“Starsk…”
The curly head snuggled even closer to me and I nestled my face into Starsky’s soft curls. From this day forward, he would be mine and I would be his.
END ???????