Home Is The Hunter
by Lutra Cana (06/18/200)
The crowd ebbed and flowed around them like the sea around two standing stones. Starsky could feel the tremors running through Hutch's body as he held him in his arms. He could feel his own. The last day and a half had changed so much. Not the least of which was the two of them.
Pulling himself out of the tight embrace, Starsky stepped back and smiled at Hutch. "Hi." One little syllable never held so much meaning. Or so much emotion.
"Hi." Hutch smiled back at him. A smile full of hope and fear and pain. And something else that Starsky couldn't identify. A smile that Starsky wanted to take and change to one of simple happiness. But he knew that they had a lot of things to work out between them before he saw that smile from his partner again. Standing in the middle of an airport corridor, surrounded by a hundred grumpy night passengers was not the place or time to work things out though. Besides, he could see that Hutch was as exhausted as he was.
Stifling a yawn, Starsky reached out a hand and grasped his partner's arm. "Take me home, will ya, Hutch? I need about ten hours of sleep. Then you and I are going to sit down and talk. 'Kay?" He smiled as reassuringly at Hutch as he could.
Hutch looked down at the floor then back up at him. "Okay. I...uh, you got any bags to claim?" He shifted uncomfortably. Starsky felt like sighing at the sadness in his friend's stance but was afraid it might send the wrong signals.
"Nah. I took off so fast all I had was the clothes on my back. Ma gave me some of Nick's old stuff to wear on the way home and said she'd wash mine and send it to me. I need to get out of these jeans. Nick likes to wear them even tighter than I do." He grinned self-consciously at Hutch who blushed as he brought his eyes back up from where he'd been staring.
"I think I left some clothes at your place a while back. We won't have to stop at my place first." He almost laughed out loud at the startled look on Hutch's face.
"You want to go to my place?"
"Yeah. Of course." He tightened his hold on Hutch's arm. "I told you, Hutch. Everything's going to be okay. I love you, you big dummy."
Instead of the brilliant smile he expected, Starsky's statement seemed to upset Hutch. He paled and looked away from Starsky. "I would have thought you'd never want to set foot in my apartment again."
<What the hell is he talking about?> "Hutch, your place is as much my home as my place is. You live there and wherever you are is home to me too. Got that?" Starsky lowered his voice and stepped closer so that Hutch would know how he meant that. Or at least he hoped Hutch would know.
Hutch stared at Starsky as if he wasn't sure what to do about this strange person holding onto him. Invading his space. This time, Starsky did sigh.
"Hutch, just take me home, please. I don't want to discuss something like this in the middle of the airport at three freaking a.m. I'm tired, I ache everywhere, and I'm dying to lie down for a while on something that's not moving. Please, partner?" He knew that the little pleading tone in his voice would get Hutch moving more than anything else would. Hutch couldn't stand to see him hurting or tired. Not since Gunther.
Another of Hutch's sad smiles flitted across his lips and he nodded. "Okay, if you're sure that's what you want, we'll go back to my place." He gestured towards the outside doors. "The car's this way." Hutch started walking without looking again at him. Starsky sighed once more and followed him.
<God, Hutchinson. You're really beginning to piss me off here, buddy. And that's not how I want to feel towards you. Not now.> Taking a deep breath, Starsky took firm rein of his emotions. It wouldn't do either of them, and especially Hutch, any good for him to lose it now. And what was bothering Hutch anyway? It couldn't be simply that he'd run off. If that was all it was, then Hutch would have yelled at him for being so stupid and that would have been the end of it. Something deeper was bothering his partner and that made him feel even more tired than he already was.
Stepping out into the cold night air, he felt the tug of sleep too long delayed pull at his ability to think. A combination of being on two long flights in less than twenty-four hours, no real food since his mother fed him hours ago, and the cell-deep need to rest almost forced him to his knees. A sense of unreality overwhelmed him and he staggered. Hutch was right there, holding him up.
"Starsk, you okay?" Concern overlaid with fear. Hutch stared at him with eyes wide in the glare of the parking lot lights.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." He smiled gamely at his partner. <God, I love you.> The thought rose unbidden and for a moment he was afraid he'd said those words out loud. Words that seemed to disturb Hutch. "I just need to sleep, that's all. You know I can't sleep on planes." Half-truths, half-lies. Why did he get the feeling they both were playing that game?
"Okay. Do you want to stay here while I go get my car? Or yours if you'd rather. Where is your car, anyway?"
"Hell if I know." Starsky could have kicked himself. He was starting to get snarly and he knew he needed to stay calm. "It's okay, Hutch. It's here someplace. We'll come back tomorrow and look for it. Okay?" He patted the hand that held his elbow, wishing that he could fold himself up in Hutch's arms and everything would be all right again. "I can make it to your car. I'm just tired. Honest."
Hutch still looked at him as if Starsky was going to disappear or collapse in front of him. A scared, half-frantic look around the eyes told Starsky that his partner was far more worried than he should be about his being tired. Struggling to push the weariness under control, Starsky grinned at him. "C'mon, partner. Let's go find that heap you call a car."
Putting his head down, Hutch nodded and started once more to walk though the parking lot. Only this time he kept a firm hold on Starsky's arm. But it wasn't a friendly hold. Starsky felt that Hutch was hanging onto him more out of a sense of obligation than compassion. In fact, Hutch was almost dragging him. Which only stopped when Starsky tripped from trying to keep up with his longer legged partner.
A muttered "sorry" and Hutch slowed down but didn't release his grip on Starsky. Starsky's arm was sore and he was a bit more than breathless when they finally arrived at Hutch's car. Hutch yanked the door open and practically shoved Starsky into the passenger's seat. Starsky was about to protest the rough handling when he saw Hutch's face and felt a shiver of dread.
His partner was angry. Angry in that cold, withdrawn way that Starsky always feared. Because it usually meant he'd done something so bad, so stupid that Hutch was finding it really difficult not to blow up at him. To lash out and hurt him. Not physically, Hutch had only ever hit him once and it wasn't really Starsky he was mad at that time. He'd just been convenient.
Hutch hurt with words, with cold silences. With black looks and stony regard. Usually, Starsky knew what he'd done to deserve the pointed finger and the uplifted chin. But this time he was in the dark. <If you're trying to make me not want to be around you, buddy boy, you're going to have to do better than this. I ain't leaving you again. Not until I figure out what's going on between us.>
Well, if that was the way Hutch wanted to act, he would oblige his sullen partner. Leaning back against the seat, Starsky crossed his arms, unconsciously rubbing his elbow. Didn't flinch when Hutch got behind the wheel and closed his door a little harder than necessary. Didn't say a word when Hutch slammed on the brakes when he had to stop to pay the lot attendant. Looked out the side window as they drove a little faster than necessary through the dark streets towards Venice.
Neither of them spoke until the car skidded to a halt in front of Hutch's building. They sat for a minute, Starsky listening to Hutch breathing, until Hutch broke the silence. "Well, here we are. Back at the scene of the crime." His tone was mocking, but Starsky wasn't sure whom it was aimed at. At Hutch or at him. Starsky rolled his head to look over at Hutch. And was surprised to see grief.
Reaching out his hand, Starsky hated the way Hutch cringed when he touched him. "Hutch, what's going on?"
"You tell me, Starsky." And Hutch was out of the car. He headed for the tree-carved door without looking back to see if Starsky followed or not. The stairwell door slammed behind Hutch, leaving Starsky to make his slow, tired way up the stairs by himself.
The door to Hutch's apartment was open when he reached the landing, but Hutch wasn't in sight. Closing the door softly behind him, Starsky came further into the apartment. Took off his jacket and hung it below his gun. He looked at his weapon for a moment, remembering leaving it there because he had been too afraid to take it with him. He reached up a trembling hand and touched the holster. Leaned his head against his jacket and allowed his weariness to wash over him. <Aw, Hutch. What am I going to do?>
"You thinking about shooting me with that gun, Starsky? I wouldn't blame you if you did." Hutch's voice behind him startled him. Letting go of the holster, Starsky forced himself to stand and turn around to face his partner.
"No, of course not. I was just thinking." Starsky didn't have the energy even to try and muster up a smile for Hutch. He felt so drained, both physically and emotionally, that it was hard not to let himself drop to the floor and sleep right there. "Hutch, please. I need to sleep. Why don't we both go to bed for a few hours then we can talk this out when I can think again."
Hutch stepped back a pace, and his face grew even paler. "Bed? What do you mean bed?" His voice cracked on the last word.
Starsky waved in the general direction of the sleeping area. "You know, bed. That big flat thing with the white sheets that you sleep on. Bed. A place I'd give my eyeteeth to stretch out on about now. You and me. Stop being so weird and let's go to bed." For the life of him, he couldn't figure out what Hutch was so upset about.
Shaking his head, Hutch sank down on the arm of the couch. "I can't believe you, Starsky. After what happened, after what I did to you last night, I'd figured the last place you'd want to be was here. And now you want to go sleep in my bed. With me. I can't. I won't."
The room seemed to tilt. Starsky couldn't believe that Hutch was acting this way. "What do you mean you can't? Won't what? For God's sake, Hutch, I thought you loved me. Now you're telling me you don't want anything to do with me. What the hell's going on?" Anger, hurt, and fear seemed to wash the aching tiredness out of him. "I told you that I wanted to love you for the rest of my life. And you said you did me too." His voice dropped until he could hardly hear it himself. "Were you lying to me, Hutch? Was what we did together so terrible that you can never love me again? Was my running off so thoughtless that you can never forgive me?"
Hutch stared at him. His mouth opened and shut a couple of times before he seemed to remember how to speak. "Forgive you? After what I did, you want me to forgive you?"
"You keep saying that. What the hell did you do that I don't know about? There's nothing on this earth that you could do that would make me stop loving you." Starsky eased towards his partner, afraid that any sudden movement would send him screaming.
Hutch fairly leaped up to stalk towards Starsky. One step for every angry word until he had Starsky backed up against the wall. "What the hell game are you playing? *Buddy*. Huh? You take off for the other side of the country with barely a word. Then you come back and act as if nothing's wrong. For God's sake, Starsky. I raped you and you say there's nothing to forgive? Or is it that you can't forgive me and are just trying to find a way to make me pay for what I did? Well, believe me, partner, no one can make me hurt anymore about what I did to you than I can. If I had the courage, I'd go and shoot myself just to save myself from having to face you."
Hutch wasn't shouting, although his words fell like blows against Starsky. It was Starsky's turn to stare at Hutch and try to find the words. The first one came out in a stuttering whisper. "Rap...rape? What are you talking about?"
Starsky gasped in pain when Hutch grabbed him roughly by both shoulders. "Last night. You and me. On that bed you say you want to sleep on. I - raped - you. I forced you to have sex with me. And that's what rape is. And that's what I did to you. I hurt you and I can never forgive myself for doing that. And now here you stand, pretending that everything's all right. Well it isn't all right, Starsky. You should hate me. You should want to beat the crap out of me for what I did." His voice caught as he fought to get the words out. "Why didn't you stop me, Starsky? Why did you let me hurt you like that?"
For one brief moment, Starsky almost believed him. Visions of Hutch holding him down, of him pleading with his partner not to touch him, not to put himself inside of him, flooded his mind. Felt the fear that he'd experienced. The terror at having Hutch inside of him. The pain when Hutch entered him. But then he remembered that while that was true, he was taking it out of context. He also remembered the thrill he'd felt at Hutch's lips on his. The burning desire to have Hutch take him like that. The feeling of rightness at their coupling.
And he burst out laughing. Hutch released him with a start and stepped back.
"What the hell's so funny? Oh God, Starsky. Do you hate me that much or did I simply drive you mad?" Hutch's blue eyes were bright with fear.
Shaking his head, Starsky tried to control his laughter, knowing it was partially sleep-depravation and partially relief at finally knowing what was wrong with his partner. Holding his stomach, he waved the other hand in the air until he could breath again.
"You are such an idiot, Hutchinson. And you're the one who's always claiming to be the brains of the outfit. Don't you think that if what you were doing to me last night was something I didn't want you to do, I'd of stopped you? You may be stronger than me, but I know a few moves that would have put you out of commission for a long time, buddy." Starsky moved towards Hutch, his hands now reaching out to his partner.
"I loved what we did last night, Hutch. I really, truly did."
"Then why did you run? Why did you fly all the way to New York just to get away from me?" The look of fear in his eyes was gone. In its place was hope.
"Because I loved it too damn much. It wasn't you I was running away from. It was me that I tried to escape. It scared me to think that I could feel that way about you. About any man. I panicked. When I woke up and saw you lying next to me, something really stupid inside took over and I ran. Call it years of trying to deny what I guess I always knew. Or years of being afraid of what I felt. I don't know. I just know that I was stupid to run out on you like that. I should have stayed here and talked to you about what I was feeling."
He was close enough to capture Hutch's upper arms in his hands. Starsky held him lightly, giving him the option to pull away if he needed to. He just prayed that Hutch didn't need to.
"Hutch, I meant what I said on the phone. I love you and I want to love you forever. What we did last night? I want to do that again. As often as possible. What we did - together - was the single most wonderful thing that I've ever experienced. I ran because that's what scared me. Not you. Not you taking me. Sure as hell not making love with you. The simple fact that I found something I'd never let myself know I wanted and I craved it. I want to do it again so much I can actually feel you inside of me. But mostly I want to go to sleep with you beside me and wake up with you beside me. And do that from now until we're gone." Pulling on Hutch's arms, he forced him close enough that he could reach those lips he'd been wanting to kiss ever since he saw his partner waiting for him at the airport.
The kiss was soft, sweet and intense. Starsky lost himself in the feeling of Hutch's lips on his. Of the way it felt when his partner wrapped his arms around him and held on. Of the way Hutch breathed against his skin, pressed against his body. Of how he felt when their mouths opened under each other's and their tongues met.
And then he yawned. Hutch dropped his head to Starsky's shoulder and laughed softly. "Okay babe. I think it really is time to go lie down on that bed. And sleep."
Starsky leaned into the warm body holding him up. "Yeah. And then maybe after I'm all rested up, we can try this again."
"Sounds good to me." Hutch kept one arm around Starsky as he led him towards the waiting bed. Helped him to unbutton the dark red shirt that looked so good on him. Helped him out of the too tight, borrowed jeans. Sat Starsky down on the edge of the bed and watched him watch him as he took his own clothes off. Starsky felt a stirring of desire for the smooth body revealing itself in front of him and cursed the tiredness that kept him from doing anything about it.
Then Hutch turned off the light and the two of them crawled under the covers, nestled against each other and fell asleep.
*****
Hours later, Starsky woke to sunlight falling across the foot of the bed and the sound of breathing in his ear. Smiling to himself, he pulled closer to his stomach the warm arm that lay across his side. <I really could get used to waking up every day like this.> Contentment eased its way though him as he lay there soaking up the warmth of his partner's body lying spooned behind him. Almost fell back to sleep before his body made it known that it had other matters on its agenda. Sighing, Starsky eased out from under that warm arm and stumbled his way to the bathroom.
Coming back out, he smiled in fond bemusement at Hutch still fast asleep on the bed. In Starsky's absence, Hutch had turned over on his back and was now taking up most of the bed and all of the covers. <Sleep on, partner mine. I'll go see what's in your fridge. I think I'm going to need all the energy I can get before this day's over.>
The very thought of what that energy might be expended on made walking difficult, but Starsky managed to control the urge to wake his partner up. Searching quietly through Hutch's closet, Starsky found the clothes he knew that he'd left there. Gathering up a pair of jeans, some underwear, and the red shirt from yesterday, he went out into the other room and got dressed.
Humming softly to himself, Starsky explored Hutch's larder. With fresh coffee in one hand and toast with peanut butter and jam in the other, Starsky settled down on the couch to eat. Read a couple of sections of the two-day-old paper lying on the coffee table, got up, poured another cup of coffee, and sat back down. He had just started to read a really strange letter to the editor about the lack of parking in the downtown core and the sighting of UFOs when he felt a warm hand on his shoulder. Tipping his head back, Starsky smiled up at Hutch.
"Good morning, sleeping beauty. It's about time you got up. There's coffee in the kitchen if'n you want some."
Hutch leaned down and kissed Starsky on the lips. It was strange kissing upside down, but Starsky found it exciting all the same. He was breathing hard when Hutch released his mouth and stood back up.
"I'm going to go and take a shower before I have that coffee. And maybe one of my protein drinks. I think I might just need that this morning." With a wicked smile and a lecherous wink, Hutch patted Starsky on the head and went off to the bathroom.
Starsky sat and stared at the cup in his hand for a moment. Hearing the shower go on, he grinned his own wicked smile. A few minutes later, he eased the bathroom door open and made his way through the steam towards the tall figure behind the shower curtain.
"Hey, Hutch." Starsky called, not wanting to startle his partner by opening the curtain without announcing himself first.
Hutch stuck his head around the edge of the curtain. Wiping water from his face, he looked questionably at Starsky. Then in pleasure as he took in Starsky's state of undress. "Yes, Starsk?"
"Was wondering if you needed someone to wash your back?" Starsky held up the wash cloth he'd pulled from the rack.
"Oh, most definitely. There's this one place I can't quite reach." Hutch pulled the curtain open a little more.
Starsky smiled shyly and stepped into the tub, closing his eyes when the spray hit him in the face. Large hands on his arms guided him out of the worst of the spray. Then Hutch's lips were on his and he forgot all about the warm water splashing around him. Leaning into the kiss, he gave himself over to the feeling of his partner's mouth on his, the tongue that coaxed its way into his mouth. He reached out and wrapped his arms around Hutch. Ran his hands over the slippery skin, feeling the muscles flex under his hands as Hutch pulled him closer.
He stepped even closer to Hutch so that their bodies were pressed tightly together. The warm, almost hot, water ran over and between them. Splashed on their feet and off of their backs. Between the steam and the kiss, Starsky felt as if he couldn't breathe, but he was hesitant to pull away. But it was the nudging against his hip that finally decided him.
Easing away from the mouth that excited him so much, Starsky opened his eyes and glanced down. "Um, looks like somebody else is awake too. And really anxious to say good morning." He grinned up at Hutch's blush and ran his hands down the front of his partner's body. Gently, he circled Hutch's erection, running light fingers down the shaft and cupped the sac beneath. Smiled to himself at Hutch's gasp.
Taking firm hold of Hutch, he started the rubbing, stroking motion that he knew felt good. It was a bit weird doing something to another that he'd done to himself hundreds of times before. And very titillating at the same time. He felt his body react to Hutch's moans and leaned his head against Hutch's chest to stabilize himself. Starsky almost lost his tenuous hold on his own self when Hutch's hand found him and reciprocated the pleasure that Starsky was giving him.
Leaning against each other, pleasuring each other, both men were soon gasping and moaning their need. Starsky felt himself approaching climax but didn't want to reach it without Hutch. He stroked upwards to the end of his partner's cock and fondled the head with his thumb. Hutch froze, shuddered, and screamed his release. Mere seconds later Starsky followed. He would have fallen if Hutch hadn't pushed him back against the wall with his body when he'd came.
Starsky opened his eyes to find Hutch staring down at him. In his eyes, there was a look of such peace, such happiness, that it almost made Starsky weep to see it. Wrapping his arms around his partner's body, he kissed him softly. Mouth against Hutch's ear, he whispered, "See, told ya I loved doing this. Almost as much as I love you." Hutch's smile against his mouth told him that finally, his partner believed him.
******
They sat at the table, enjoying the peace of being together. Hutch was finishing his long delayed breakfast and Starsky was on his second. Starsky was reading the comics out loud to Hutch, complete with hand gestures and funny noises when Hutch stopped him with a question.
"Starsk, how come you came back?"
"Huh?"
"How come you came back? I mean, you said yourself that you were scared of how you felt when you left here. What made you change your mind and come back?" Hutch laid his hand on top of Starsky's arm resting on the table and looked at him seriously.
It took a moment for Starsky to understand what his partner said. Then he realized what Hutch was really asking him. "When I got on that plane to New York, I was scared to death. Scared that everything I ever thought about myself, about you, about the two of us, was all a lie. That neither of us were the people I always thought we were. All the way home, I kept going over and over in my mind what we'd done. Couldn't see beyond the physical part of it. And how much I'd enjoyed it. How good it had made me feel. And how much I wanted to do it again. Told you that part already." He took a sip of his coffee.
"It wasn't until I got home and a very smart person told me something that made me see what was really important in all of this." Starsky smiled lovingly at Hutch.
"What did they say? And who did you talk to? Surely not Nick." Hutch stroked the back of Starsky's hand with his thumb, causing shivers to run up Starsky's arm all the way to his heart.
"No, definitely not Nick. I think if I'd of told him what you and I'd done, he'd of had a stroke or something." Starsky laughed, thinking of his brother's reaction to finding out that his big brother and Hutch were more than just partners. "No, I went home to Ma. And she's the one who made me see the truth."
Starsky laughed again at the dumbfounded look on Hutch's face. "Your...your mother! You told your mother what happened? Oh Lord." Hutch paled, then blushed bright red.
Twisting his hand around until he got hold of Hutch's, Starsky smiled reassuringly. "It's okay, Hutch. I didn't tell her the gory details. Somehow, she figured out what happened, kinda, and made me see that it was okay to feel this way about you. She's a pretty wise person, my Ma. She told me that love's love and it shouldn't matter what form that love comes in as long as both parties wanted it. And that it was wrong to throw love away because, sometimes, you only get one chance at it. Or words to that effect anyway." He got off of his chair, never letting go of Hutch's hand and came to kneel in front of his partner.
"And God knows that I love you, Hutch. I always have and I can't see a time when I won't. You and are damn lucky, Hutch. Damn lucky. We've been given the most wonderful gift that two people can be given. And I don't ever want to lose that." He reached up and laid his hand on the back of Hutch's neck, pulling his partner's head down so he could kiss him.
Just before their lips met, Hutch whispered, "Remind me to send your mother a big bouquet of flowers. We've a lot to thank that lady for. A hell of a lot." Their lips met in a kiss so tender, so loving, that they both knew that they were home. Because, for the two of them, anyplace where they were together would always be home.