He'd forgotten how much he missed the snow. This was the first time in far too many years that he'd made it home for Christmas and Mother Nature had pulled out all the stops. The trees glistened in the late afternoon sunlight and the fields stretched smooth and pristine in their blanket of white. His parents' house had a snowcap on the roof and the odd icicle hanging from an eave. Hutch and his sister's children had built a huge snowman in the front yard, complete with carrot nose and scarf. It stood guard over the brick walkway to the porch, resplendent in the fading light.
Hutch hadn't realized how much he missed all of it until he stood at the edge of the yard and looked at the house. He and his father had taken a run into town and he had walked up from the main road just to see the house from here. Dusk was just starting to edge its way across the fields behind the yard. His mother had turned on the Christmas tree lights and was in the process of lighting candles in the windows. That soft glow bathed the porch in warmth and made his heart yearn for his innocent childhood. And Christmas Eves like this one. But too many years had past. Too much pain and too many of life's experiences since. He suddenly felt old and very lonely.
He knew he didn't really belong here anymore. He was a big city boy now. California had wormed its way into his psyche and settled there. And he was content with that. As much as he loved his family and his hometown, his home was no longer here. It was most of a continent away in Los Angeles. His life was there. His job, his friends, his partner. There was no way he could ever move back here, but that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy it while he was here.
Actually, his partner wasn't back in California at the moment either. Hanukah and Christmas had coincided this year and Starsky had made the journey to New York to celebrate the holidays with his mother and the rest of his huge family. It was an extremely rare occurrence for them to get time off at Christmas, but they had taken it when offered. They had the seniority, having worked for almost fifteen years for the department. They could take statutory holidays off if they so desired. It wasn't as if they hadn't done their share over the years of missed holidays and missed families.
Hutch leaned against the rail fence circling the yard. Thinking back to the evening before when he had realized how much he missed home. Not this home in Minnesota, but his true home. The family was singing Christmas carols around the old grand piano his mom was playing. They'd just started a rousing rendition of Rudolph when Hutch caught himself thinking how much Starsky would have enjoyed it. Suddenly he missed his partner with an intensity that made tears well up in his eyes. Luckily he'd been standing near the edge of the group and was able to sneak out into the hallway to collect himself.
Sitting on the bottom step on the back staircase, he'd berated himself. <Jeez, Hutchinson. It's not like it's been months since you've seen him. It was only nine days ago. And you'll see him in less than a week. Stop being so stupid.> But it didn't help. They had flown out of LAX together but had to separate in Kansas City. They weren't able to get a connecting flight for Starsky from Duluth and the logistics of flying back to there from New York were too complicated, so this was the best they could do. They had a hurried good-bye at the gate. The plane was late getting into Kansas City and Starsky's flight was leaving any minute. They gave each other a quick hug and he was gone. Hutch's flight wasn't for another hour and he had sat in the coffee shop watching the planes land, feeling incredibly lonely. Hutch was leaving on the twenty-eighth for LA and Starsky wasn't due to arrive until the twenty-ninth. That last week loomed like an eternity.
Now standing in the growing shadows, he thought back over the last few years. Years that had been the best and the worst of his life. Of their lives. He still wasn't sure where it had all started. The two of them at odds with one another, pulling apart. He knew that most of the blame fell squarely on his shoulders. He'd been tired, disillusioned, angry. Worn-out and fed-up. Unfortunately, he had taken all his anger out on the one person who hadn't deserved it. His partner, his best friend. The person who loved him the most in the world. They had just started to straighten everything out when it was almost all taken away.
After the shooting, after almost losing Starsky forever, he realized what was important in this life. His being a police officer, being the best damn police officer he could be was near the top of the list. Taking care of the people who relied on him, his family, his friends. Even the citizens of Los Angeles. Those were all up there too. But the most important thing in his life was his partner. Starsky *was* his life. And he made a vow that day staring through the ICU window that if Starsky lived he would devote the rest of his life to being the friend Starsky deserved.
After that, after both received their miracle, everything became easier. He was happy for the first time in years. Both obtained medical leave, Starsky to recover from his wounds to his body, Hutch to recover from the wound to his spirit. Although that wasn't the reason on the leave form. The doctors said that he was close to a breakdown. That between the pain in his back from all the years of abuse in the line of duty and the trauma caused by almost losing his partner, he needed a rest. The term of which lasted as long as Starsky's.
It was during those months off that their normally affectionate relationship took a more serious turn. One night, quite by accident, they fell in love. Or finally realized that they were in love. A simple hug, a small kiss on a cheek had turned into a moment in time that neither was ever likely to forget. They had lain on the bed afterwards, gasping for air, staring at each other in shock at the revelation they had reached together. The pilgrimage to a new place that they never knew existed.
No one thought much of it when they bought a house together. Moved in on a permanent basis together. If anyone wondered about all the time they spent with each other, they put it down to them having almost lost one another and the need as friends to stay close. No one ever questioned them, bothered them. If anyone guessed, they kept it to themselves. The only person who really knew was Huggy and he wasn't talking.
Hutch had a feeling his parents knew or at least suspected. His mother stopped asking about grandchildren and his father referred to Starsky as his son's partner without adding anything about them being cops. He was pretty sure that Starsky's mom knew. When she talked to him during her weekly phone conversations, she always called him 'my boy' or 'my Hutch'. At first he was a bit shocked that their families were so accepting of their unorthodox lifestyle, but figured that they knew the reasons behind it and were just satisfied that their sons were happy. And alive.
All in all, they had a good life. Worked at jobs they loved, lived in a nice house that they cared about. Had good friends, families that loved them. But most of all, they had each other. As Hutch stood in the growing dark, watching the lights flickering in the windows of his parents' house he was suddenly reminded of a song they used to sing in Sunday School. The words echoed in his mind, bringing a sense of peace to him.
'Tis the gift to be simple
'tis the gift to be free.
'tis the gift to come down,
where we ought to be.
He found himself humming the melody as he walked towards the welcoming lights, wishing he didn’t feel so lonely.
Stomping the snow off his feet, he pushed the door open. His nose twitched as he caught the good smells of roast beef and homemade bread. The smells of home. Shrugging off his heavy jacket and leaving his boots on the mat by the door, Hutch headed for the source of those wonderful smells. He heard a young voice shout from the rear of the house, "Grandma, he's back." And smiled to himself. His youngest nephew, Kyle, was acting as town crier, announcing his return. It felt nice to know that the people in this house were anxious about his whereabouts.
His smile grew as the sound of slamming doors and quickly moving feet issued from the direction of the kitchen. Of course, it was Christmas. His mother and sister were probably wrapping his present in there, or planning some other surprise for him. Well, he'd just act innocent and let them have their fun. After all, wasn't that what Christmas was all about? Secrets and making others happy?
Stopping at the closed kitchen door, he looked down at Kyle. Kyle was a miniature version of him. Blond hair, big blue eyes, long arms and legs. It made Hutch feel a sense of continuity to see this child. Even though each year decreased the likelihood of him having children of his own, especially now, here was proof that the Hutchinson genes would not be lost. Kyle smiled an angelic smile up at his tall uncle. The little boy had just turned six, still carried innocence in his heart. And a deep abiding love for his policeman uncle. Mixed in with a healthy dose of hero worship.
Hutch crouched down so he was almost eye level with the child and whispered conspiratorially. "Is it okay if I go in there? You think they've got everything safely hidden?"
Kyle grinned a gap tooth grin and whispered back. "Don't know. Want I should take a look?"
"Good plan. You sneak a look and I'll stay behind the door where I can't see."
Kyle pulled the door open a crack and stuck his head around the frame. Peered back and forth, then looked back at his uncle. "I think it's safe, Uncle Ken. I don't see the surprise no more."
Ruffling Kyle's hair, Hutch nonchalantly sauntered into the kitchen and walked up behind his mother. Grabbing her around the waist, he planted a big kiss on her cheek. Laughing she reached back and swatted him on the butt. "You're cold, Ken. And I'm trying to get dinner ready. Go sit down at the table and get out of the way."
Hutch laughed, snagged a piece of the roast his mother was in the process of carving and did as told. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he barely noticed the three coffee cups that his sister hurriedly gathered up from its surface. He gladly accepted the full cup she placed in front of him, wrapping his cold hands around the warm ceramic mug. The kitchen was warm, comforting with the smells of the dinner his mother was preparing and a hint of gingerbread. Sipping at the strong black coffee, he couldn't help but think how much Starsky would have liked this old-fashioned Christmas in the country. A small sigh of something approaching loneliness escaped him causing his mother to look at him with concern. He smiled a reassuring smile and told himself not to be such a baby. He was here to be with his family and it was only five more days before he'd see his partner. Surely he could hang on till then.
Watching his sister and mother working in unison brought back memories of earlier times when they all pitched in and made Christmas for each other. It made him wonder where he'd lost the spirit of the whole thing. Probably around the time he realized he wanted more out of life than a pretty wife and a two-car garage. More than an empty marriage and a meaningless job. After moving so far away from his roots that he lost touch with himself. It was only in the last couple of years that he had found those roots again. Only this time they were in foreign soil, far away in a warmer climate with someone who loved him regardless. Someone who had given him a place to come home to. <God I miss you Starsk.>
Hutch looked up at the touch of a hand on his shoulder. His sister, Katherine, stood smiling gently down at him. "Dinner's almost ready, Ken. Why don't you go wash up and come to the dining room. Papa, Chris, and the children are chomping at the bit to eat that good dinner of Mom's. Hurry up."
Laughing at her, telling her that she was becoming a nag in her old age, Hutch hurried back down the hall to the downstairs bathroom to wash his hands. He took a moment to look at himself in the mirror and was pleased at what he saw. He was leaner now, hair a bit shorter, mustache gone. His cheeks were still slightly pink from the cold air. He looked at least five years younger than just two years before. Before he almost lost and then found his entire world.
Running his fingers through his fine, blond hair, he smiled at himself. Yes, he missed his partner and yes he wished that they could have spent this holiday together. But he had his family waiting for him. Well, most of his family. He and Starsky would see each other in only a few days. Then they would have their own Christmas/Hanukah/New Year's celebration. He could wait. Maybe.
Entering the dining room, he was amused to see all the fair heads turn to watch him. His parents, graying now, but still showing the lean features they had passed down to their children. His pretty sister and her almost as blond husband sat side by side. Their three children, two boys and a girl, all as fair as dandelion fluff, sat opposite. He was a bit surprised to see two empty places at the table. He hadn't realized they were expecting company. Probably his uncle was coming by.
For the life of him, he couldn't figure out why they were all staring at him with those silly grins on their faces. He looked down at himself, fully expecting to see he had toilet paper stuck to his shoe or his shirt tale hanging out of his zipper. Finding nothing amiss, he glanced back up at his mother. "What?"
"Ken, dear, aren’t you going to say hello to our guest?" All heads swiveled to look at the corner behind him. Puzzled, he followed their lead and turned around to see whom they were all in a flap about.
There, grinning like the Cheshire Cat, leaning against the doorframe was his partner. Hutch's mouth dropped open. For a moment, he couldn't utter a word. Couldn't move, could hardly breathe.
Starsky laughed. "See ya still as articulate as ever, Hutch. Good to know that coming home hasn't changed anything." Pushing himself away from the door, Starsky moved to wrap Hutch in a hug. "Merry Christmas, partner."
Hutch almost crushed the breath out of Starsky when he returned the embrace. For a moment, he forgot his family, where he was and why. Could only hold onto this person who meant more to him than any of it.
Starsky chuckled in his ear. "Hey, partner. You wanna let go? I've been smelling that pot roast for the last hour and I'm famished." Dropping his voice to a whisper that only Hutch could hear, "We'll pick up where we left off later."
Hutch gave him a final squeeze and released him. Keeping one arm around his shoulders, he turned back to his still grinning family. Putting a pretend scowl on his face, he looked at them through the top of his eyes. "Okay, someone want to explain to me what this reprobate is doing here?"
His mother rose from her chair and came over to her son and his partner. Placed a hand on his cheek and smiled softly at him. "David phoned a few days ago to talk to you but you were outside playing with the children. We got to talking and I mentioned how much you were missing him." Hutch was a little surprised. He didn't think anyone had noticed, but this was his mother. She knew everything, or at least had always made her children think she did. "Well, he said he'd call back, but I could tell he was missing you too. So I phoned Rachael later and we decided that it was a shame that you two couldn't spend the holidays together."
Starsky interrupted her with an exclamation of mock horror. "Did you know our mothers talked with each other? On a regular basis? That's scary, Hutch."
Mrs. Hutchinson smacked Starsky lightly on the arm and continued. "She has a cousin who is a travel agent and was able to get David a ticket on a flight this afternoon. That's why your father took you out on that errand, so you wouldn't be here when David arrived. We wanted it to be a surprise." She reached up and pulled her tall son's head down and kissed him gently on the cheek then repeated the gesture with Starsky.
Both men enveloped her in an embrace. Hutch's voice was a little shaky. "Thanks Mom, this is the nicest present I could have gotten."
"Thanks Mom." Starsky's voice was a bit shaky too.
Blushing, Mrs. Hutchinson shooed the two men to the table. Sitting side by side, knees touching under the table, Hutch and Starsky joined the rest of the family in a brief giving of thanks. Soon the sounds of a happy family enjoying Christmas Eve together filled the room.
Looking at his family, all his family, Hutch felt his spirit fill with a feeling of contentment. Surrounded by the people who loved him enough to accept everything about him made him realize how truly blessed he was. Glancing over to the one on his left who was busy teasing his niece, his heart ached for the beauty of it.
He found the words of the song from his childhood running through his mind once again. The words that seemed to embody everything he felt at that moment.
And when we find ourselves
in the place just right
'twill be in the valley
of love and delight.
Truly, he had found his valley of love and delight. Right here, right now. And for the rest of his life.
*******
Merry Christmas
*******
Simple Gifts - the Shaker Song
'Tis the gift to be simple
'tis the gift to be free.
'tis the gift to come down,
where we ought to be.
And when we find ourselves
in the place just right
'twill be in the valley
of love and delight.
When true simplicity is gain'd,
to bow and to bend
we shan't be ashamed,
to turn, turn will
be our delight,
'til by turning, turning
we come round right.