Summer's End
A Weather Report
story
by Lutra Cana
(08/02/2000)
The beach is deserted this morning. The tourists haven't arrived yet and most of
us who live here all year round don't come down because it's too cold. So why is it that I'm here waiting for the
tide to come in and watching the seabirds fly out?
Lord, I miss you.
Every day since you left, I feel lonelier. More alone. I only get out of bed in the morning because it's
expected of me, only go to work because there are people relying on me. Only breathe because my body doesn't seem to
know there's nothing to breathe for.
Standing here, with little wavelets lapping at my feet, I
think back to where we began and smile sadly to myself. All those years spent loving one person. First as a friend, then a partner, and
finally as the one who meant everything.
Home, love, passion, companionship.
All the things that made up what we were. What we had together.
You were so beautiful way back then. Even though I didn't see you the way I came
to eventually, I knew there was something very special about you. You with your
wild hair and that sappy grin. Your
grungy clothes and intermittent accent.
Combined with a strange sense of humor and a heart that wanted to love
the entire world. You were everything I
ever wanted to
be and always fell short of.
We'd only just met and yet it seemed as if we'd known each
other forever. There were times I'd start to say something and you'd finish the
thought. Or times you'd say nothing at all and I knew exactly what you meant. Eerie. Others commented on it, even back at the
Academy, saying how in synch we were with each other. We built a reputation on that connection. Many tried to sunder
it, but no one ever succeeded.
Not even us.
The sun is hiding behind gray clouds. There's a cold wind blowing off the ocean,
bringing the smell of salt and fish in with it. You told me once that you loved that smell. That it was magical and mysterious. I often thought the same about you. As well as I grew to know you, you always remained
something of a mystery. You'd go off
somewhere in that mind of yours, leaving me outside, knocking at the
gates. Then you'd return all smiles and
give me a wondrous gift. Didn't matter
what it was - a stone, a picture you took, sometimes just a kiss - but it would
be magical because you gave it to me.
All you ever asked from me in return was my love. Something I would've given you
regardless. Kept giving for the rest of
my life.
I look off towards China, wondering how I came to be here on
this cold beach on the last day of summer.
In the wind, waiting for the tide. Missing you.
We lived our lives too fast, I think. The days and nights were so full of...of
everything that they flew away while we weren't looking. There were times when I'd wake in the middle
of the night, look over at you, and wonder.
Marvel at the fact that you loved me...wanted me...needed me. And that my life had become defined by how I
lived it with you. Defined by how you
loved me.
And now it seems my life has no other definition. Not without you. I've become a hollow man.
A man who's lost what he once was and needs something else to fill
him. Something better than he ever
was. You.
There was a time when all I'd have to do was lift up the
phone or drive a few miles and my life would mean something again. Because you were with me. When I was by myself, it seemed that I
became a shadow. Something as insubstantial
as that lingering sea mist way out there on the horizon. People seemed to look
right through me when you weren't beside me.
As if
your mere presence somehow filled in all the empty places
inside of me and made me solid.
When that crazy cult kidnapped you, held you in that cave, I
became transparent. I think that was the
first time I realized I didn't really exist.
That it was you who lent me a reality.
I would be talking to people and it was if I wasn't even there. I searched for you, needing you to make me
solid again. Make me whole. When I found you and held you in my arms, I
felt my body flow and become opaque. It
was the most bizarre feeling I'd ever experienced. And the most wonderful.
Maybe that was the day I realized I loved you. Not as just my friend anymore but as my
life.
The water is cold as it laps against my bare ankles. I left my shoes back there somewhere. Doesn't matter. What does a man who doesn't exist need with shoes? I wonder if I stood here long enough without
moving if the water would dissolve me?
Wash away this shell that remains of me. Of you.
Over the years, you worked your way inside of me until there
was no you and me anymore. Only
us. We used to say "me and
thee" when we named ourselves.
Then came a day when even that didn't define what we'd become. We
would've needed a whole new vocabulary, a whole new language to even begin to
describe what we were. The only word we
could find that even came close was "us."
But without you, there's no us anymore. And without us, how can there be a me?
God, I think I'm losing it.
Losing what little hold I have on sanity. See what happens when you go away?
How could you leave me?
Now at the end of summer? With
the autumn coming on and winter right behind.
Cold, dark nights and short, harsh days. Days I can survive only when you're here. But you're not, are you?
I feel like screaming at the ocean. Screaming at the clouds above me. I want to scream your name until my throat
is raw and my voice is gone. Shout at a world that would separate us and make me
disappear.
What am I going to do without you here? I need you.
That much is a given. I've
always needed you, even when I didn't know you. I didn't exist before you, and I cease to exist without you.
How did I get down here?
On my knees in the surf. My
hands clenched in the cold, wet sand.
If it would do any good, I'd lie down here and let the incoming ocean
cover me, filling all the places you used to be. Until I couldn't feel their emptiness anymore. But the water is too cold and it would be
pointless anyway.
I stand up again, feeling foolish. Look around to see if anyone noticed the crazy man at the water's
edge and realize that I'm solid again. Realize that approaching me from out of
the rising sun is my world. The everything
that makes me whole. Makes me
solid. Makes me - me.
You.
You've come back.
From that place that needed you more than me. Or at least that's what they told you. But they lied, and you've returned.
Returned to wrap your arms around this translucent creature. To fill him with color and light. With breath and life.
To fill him with you.
Leaving the beach, I look back at where I stood and missed
you. The tide has washed in and covered
the marks of where I stood alone. But
there is still the trace of footsteps in the wet sand. Two sets, yours and mine, going off to enter
a new season. Summer may have ended,
but we continue on. As it should
be. Together.