Sun Showers
By Lutra Cana
(07/10/2000)
Waking up to rain on the roof on a late Sunday morning is
peaceful. Lying here listening to the
gentle patter through the open window lends a sort of mystery to the whole
thing. The streets are quiet without
the normal presence of the tourists and the regulars that usually fill the morning
with noise. Ordinarily I'm up by now,
going on with my day, but I'm very content
to lie under the warm blankets and listen to the rain.
And to the soft sounds of you breathing next to me.
Looking over at you, I wish that everyone could see you as
you are this morning. All darkness and
light. Curled on your side, facing me with
your mouth open in a little smile. One
hand fisted under your chin, you look more like a little boy than a grown
man. I wonder if I could be arrested for
contributing to the delinquency of a minor?
Last night when you walked through the door, I felt my heart
lurch. How did you know what I'd been
thinking anyway? How could you have possibly
come to the same realization at the same time that I did? It's eerie how we seem to read each other's
minds at times. Know each other's thoughts
and feelings better than we know our own.
Sometimes, when we're both
really quiet, I think I can hear you speaking to me without
you saying a word. And, sometimes, I
hear your voice and you're not even there.
The sun is shining through the rain. That faint, sharp quality of light that you
only get during a sun shower. It casts
glittering sparkles across your cheek and down the arm that hugs the covers to
you. I could lie here and watch you
sleep forever. Watch your chest rise
and fall with every breath. The way the
pulse in your neck reflects the beating of your heart.
That sweet, gentle heart of yours that loves me far beyond
what I deserve. Beyond what I ever thought I would have.
I close my eyes so I can listen to you without being
distracted by your beauty. Yeah, I know
you'd scoff at the notion that you're beautiful. But you are. Especially
now, lying there looking so innocent.
With my eyes closed, I can hear the way your breath hitches just a
little as you inhale. A tiny sound. One
I'm sure that's left over from the time I almost lost you. But it's a soothing sound in its own
way. It lets me know that you're still
here with me. We came so close to
losing it all, didn't we?
Lost before we knew what we had to lose.
Eyes closed, I can feel your body. Even separated by the space of only a few inches, it seems as if
we're too far apart. Especially after
last night. I would reach out and
gather you closer, but I don't want to wake you. Not yet. Not while I have
this chance to watch you sleep peacefully beside me. Not while I can feel the warmth of you seeping across those few
inches. Not while I
can smell the scent of your skin and your breath.
It's funny the things you notice without realizing you've
noticed them. I think I could pick you
out of a room full of people with my eyes closed. Simply by your scent. Slightly sweet with an overtone of that soap
you like. Leather and spice. Is that your own scent or one that's seeped into
your pores from all the years of wearing those old jackets you love? How many hours of late night stakeouts
crammed into your car have I smelled that scent? Other times when I've listened to your quiet breathing
And been comforted by the knowledge that you're there beside
me.
I have to open my eyes again just to check to make sure that
you really are here. In my bed.
God, I love you.
I know I've told you a thousand times in the course of our
friendship that I love you. And I've
always meant it. But never like
this. This transcends simple
friendship. Transcends even the depth
of friendship you and I have always had.
And a thousand, maybe a million times you've demonstrated to me how much
you love me. Sometimes in simple little
ways. Like bringing me a cup of coffee even through you didn't get one for yourself. Calling me up to ask if I want to go with
you to grab a matinee
or to join you for beer and pizza.
And how many times have you simply been there for me? A shoulder to lean on. Or cry on.
Put up with my nonsense and bad moods.
Made me smile with one of your silly stories or even just that crazy
grin of yours. I am so blessed to have
you in my life. I don't know what I did
to deserve it, and I don't know how I'm ever going to repay the debt of your
love for me,
But I'm willing to try.
You're still lying there with your lips parted in that sweet
smile. I can't believe what you and I
did last night. Something I never in my
wildest dreams ever imagined us doing.
But once it started happening, it
seemed as if you and I had been doing it for years. And maybe we had. When I think back over all those years, since
the first day I saw you, I think we've been making love to each other. Just not in the way we did last night. We never could seem to get enough of each
other. I have
always loved touching you.
Feeling your skin beneath my fingers.
Your strong shoulders under my arm.
We lost that for a little while and I missed it so damn
much. But we were lucky or someone was
looking out for us because we found it again. If you had really died that day
without us finding that connection again, I don't think I could have survived
it. No, I know I couldn't have. But then, I have my doubts that I would have
survived losing you period. I might have
gone on living, but the best part of me would have died with you. Simply because you are the best part of me.
The sunlight is getting a little stronger now and it's
shining on your face. You screw your
eyes up tight and turn over onto your back to get away from the light. The hand that was under your chin is now
lying palm open on the pillow, and I can see your face only in profile. But that's enough. For now. Just knowing
you're here makes me so happy that I can't remember what being sad is like.
I want to bury my face in your hair and hold onto you
forever. I want to wrap my arms around
you and kiss that mouth that made me cry from happiness last night. But I won't. Not yet. I'm enjoying
myself too much just watching you sleep.
God, you look so young. Like the
man I first knew in that time that seems like a century past. When we were both young and full of dreams
of kicking butt. Little did we know
that the price we'd have to pay for every butt we managed to kick would be so
high at times. That we'd lose so much.
My marriage, your innocence. All
the dreams either of us had for a - quote - normal life.
We gave up so much over the years. The chances we took, the friends we lost. The people who we tried to help and
couldn't. Some might say that none of
that was worth it. But it was. Because if either of us had not gone on to
become a cop, we wouldn't have each other.
I wouldn't have this morning, lying in my bed listening to the rain on
the roof or the quiet seeping through the window. I know that's selfish, but I don't care.
Not after last night.
When you walked into the room and stood there smiling at me - well, I
suddenly didn't care about any of that.
Not after you closed that door and came to me. Gathered me in your arms and just held on. I still don't know how you knew I needed
you, but you did. You always do. And then you kissed me. Softly, lovingly. A kiss so full of promise and recompense that I could only stand
there and drink it in.
I have the feeling that I'll never be lonely again.
The rain has stopped.
In that sudden silence, you stir.
The hand that was lying on the pillow reaches out and finds me. Touches my face and strokes down my
cheek. You frown just a little, then
your ocean-dark eyes open and smile at me.
You have that look on your face that you wear when you've done something
to make me happy and you're satisfied with yourself.
That little boy look that always gets me right in the heart.
Like sun through rain.