Now plying on Creschendo..."Desperado".

The Big Adventure

Well, where do I start? So much has happened that I will have a hard time talking about it. I can talk about what happened to us much easier than I can talk about what I felt when it was going on. Although it has not destroyed my desire to trust people, it has severely damaged it. Damaged it to where I do not know if it can be repaired actually. How does it end up that someone you know, or think you know, can hide their true personality from you long enough to get you to do what they want you to do? How do you know what is really in another's heart and mind when they approach you? So many things were different that I can not begin to explain or even understand. It hurts so badly that I lost everything I own but more that a friend, or someone I thought was a friend, could do what they did.

I guess I should have known from the very beginning when I ended up marooned on the beach for three days with my truck parked behind a bar with everything in it that things would not work out and simply returned home. I had no money to do this though so what was I to do except continue and try to make it. On top of that, this was impossible for us to do because we tend to stick things out no matter what. Somehow, we are supposed to fix things and make things better, work things out, and God forbid we fail in front of our friends and family. We were always told we would never be anything or go anywhere or finish anything or succeed. Well, in CA we knew we would because, after all, isn't that the place where you can make good money? Money is not everything. Peace of mind, safety, and love of self are more important. This was never more clear to us than this past month. We are working on letting these tapes go but it will take a lot of self-acceptance by all of us and permission to do it too.

I would not have left the relative safety I had managed to create within my own home, especially within my own room, except for a couple of things that caused me to dissociate. The girl I lived with was a self-medicating survivor that was supposed to have quit abusing. Several times in a row she came in stumbling from drinking. I managed to handle that but when she had men, one I knew and the other I had never met, spend the night in our house on the couch, everyone, especially my lils, was extremely frightened. You know, I never realized I was a negative person because I chose not to do this. According to her I am. What do you think? Through hard work I have learned I am a person worthy of self-love but I can't help but wonder if I was negative because I would not do this. I find it hard to not fit in and do what others want me to so that they will like me and accept me. Just another of those famous tapes playing in my mind I guess. When will they quiet? It is so hard for us to be freely independent. Isolation is how we have managed this but they are not really the same thing. I do know that it is not good to be around anyone who absorbs you and does not accept you for who you are though.

Guns have always been a trigger for me. Well, they have ever since my father shot my dog that is. To me they mean violence and pain and loss. To have them just standing in a corner in my home, not even under lock and key, was much more than I could handle. They represented these things to me and I feared for her child, left alone in the home with them like that. With these guns in the house, and her violent outburst and threatening actions when I gave her notice that I had to leave after one of those overnight visits from a male person I was so afraid for my life I called the police. The violence and anger was so great coming from her that never before in my life when I was not dissociated did I ever feel. There is no wonder that my lils and insiders came to my aid. I can not image the pain and fear they must have lived in. I thank God for their presence because I know that I could not have lived like that. The therapy I have been through has managed to enable me to learn how to feel. I wonder, though, if it is worth feeling when these feelings exist.

That time was so terrifying to me, to us. I love the new country and western song that came out recently, "…don't laugh at me, don't get you pleasure from my pain…" I trusted this person. We studied together, came from similar backgrounds, acquired the same professional base, and attended therapy together. With such personal and intimate connections, no wonder we confided in each other. I never condemned her for self-medicating or used it against her. I understand why she did and does. I do not understand why she claimed I provoke her and she is not responsible for her actions. That is what a person who abuses another always says. Do I unconsciously look for people who will abuse me? Do I set myself up? Apparently I do. Guess I need to work on this one too.

She could not have said or done anything to me that hurt more then when she yelled at me, "you psychotic multiple bitch". You see, she had met some of us and knows us personally. Will everyone do that to us? Will everyone always use the fact that we became an "us" to survive against us? No one can ever really know what that did to us. No one except another multiple can even have an idea of what it did. I pray that it does not happen to anyone else. No one can know the degree of the lost ability to trust that that caused. Is there any wonder why we shut down after that and lost the ability to feel once again? Well, I guess not totally because we do love some people.

Sometimes I wish that my insiders did not exist and other times I am glad that they do. Can you imagine how it feels to live this way? How do we know why anyone feels the way they do toward us? Is it the "we" or is it the "me" that they care about? Is it "we" or is it "me" that they want to know? "We" are "me". How can they do this? Don't they know this? Don't they know that when they hurt one they hurt all? "We" are "me". The "we" all feel the same as the "me" but we also each feel separately. Yet when they talk to "us" they really only talk to "me". The me who is there at the time yet they think it is me the body. I know this must be hard for an outsider, or singleton, to understand because it is hard for me, a multiple, to grasp. How do "I/we" tell someone that when the body freezes and can not talk that it is a lil who desperately needs understanding and comfort but can not ask for it? How do "we/I" forgive this person we trusted and hurt us all so badly? How do "I/we" learn to trust again when it has been so damaged?

Who knows, maybe some day I/we will have the answers to these questions. I hope so. We hope so.

Copyright September 11, 1998
Shadow of Pickles' Crew

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