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Shadow's Diary Pages

This page is long and quite emotional. It is a reproduction of Shadow's personal writings. Shadow is really an entity but makes her/his presence known as a very sad but beautiful 26/27 year old woman. At other times Shadow takes on the persona of a very small child as well. I posted them here exactly as I found them (including typing and grammatical errors) with the exception of altering the names of live persons.

If anything on this page triggers you please take a break. Please be safe while you read. This page is very emotional and shows the true pain and confusion child abuse causes even years after the trauma ends.

October 13, 1995 -- I thought I knew everything. I only wanted answers. It isn't the truth. I was fooling myself. I really wanted something to tell me it didn't happen then I could be like everyone else. I could have friends, I would still be married, I wouldn't have to worry about whether C had a sane mother or not.

I don't like things the way they are. i want to feel but I am afraid. I am afrain R will tell me not to come anyomre. I am afraid that God doesn't love me. i am afraid of what it is that I am running away from. I am afriad that it is reall and I am not. I am afraind taht I can't be real. I am afraid of being real. I wish someonme could take my fear and throw it away for me because I am not strong enough to do it.

September 10, 1995 -- I wish I was strong like C and could just go where I want to go but I can't because I am a girl and girls don't do that unless they are bad girls and I have to be good because if i am not then nobody will like me. I am afraid if i don't do what everyone wants then i won't be liked and i won't be able to go anywhere because everyone will see me and they will turn their back on me and then i will n=have nobody but what is new about that i never have had nobody and i don't need nobody because they don't need me or want me Mymother says taht i can't come see her until i say it isn't so and that it didn't happen but it did everything i found says that it did why couldn't i find something just one thing that says that it didn't instead of that we try to say that it didn't happen which is what i did and i wish i could still do but i cna't so i dont think that i should i know i shouldn't event hough i wan to say it didn't it is real and i am real and it did happen

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August 21, 1995 -- Today is a little better. I don't have so much anxiety. There still is some though. I went to bed at 12:00 last night and was able to go to sleep but I woke up at 3:15 wide awake, aroused, sure I had been dreaming but I couldn't remember what it was about. Could not get back to sleep so I got up and went in the living room and sat down and smoked a cigarette and drank some coke. I felt like I was in a strange place. When I woke up at first I was not sure who I was or where I was or even when it was. Things started coming back to me and all of a sudden I was extremely sleepy so I went back to bed.

I wasn't really afraid just highly uncertain and confused. CF said that writing about a flash would put it to rest but I don't know so much about that. I have written about several of them but they keep coming back only in more detail. There have been several triggers. P talking about her mother, the medication that I am on, school starting back up, this time of the year, my worst months are May June and July but some extends to August because of school starting.

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August 27, 1995 at 5:30 p.m. -- I was going to be able to go to Mass tonight. I really think I want to I don't really know. There has to be something wrong with me for me not to want to. I guess I am still mad at the Church for moving Father. It hasn't been the same since what happened with S and S. Is it the shirt that triggers it? I don't know but I don't think so because I was flashjing yesterday too. My hands are so clumsy I can't spell anything without messing up.

I am scared I smell the grass and the horse. I keep seeing his fist coming at my face. My back hurts where I jerked so hard last night. Why does my body have to remember too? I knew I was in for another one of these because I was having too much anxiety. I have calmed down but I am tired of seeing these pictures in my head I just wish they would all go away that everthing would all go away why did he do it why couldn't he just have let me stay there and not embarrased me. He didn't love me he just wanted someone to do his stuff for him and to punch on because he was not a wife beater no he just didn't spare the rod and spoil the child so that he could do it to his children and get his jollys and not to feel bad because it was okay to punish his children After all it says that in the Bible doesn't it? Correct your children and all of that but what about the part where you are supposed to respect them and earn the respect of your children.

Maybe R is right the closer I get to God the more my feelings come out because I sure am feeling a lot and C has the prayer meeting here but if I wasn't able to handle it the God would not have told hi9m to do it would He? I can't think that God would be that mean but He is a father and all I have ever known is that a father is meand so why shouldn't He?I know that I am really supposed to writing this in pen but my fingers are doing this and I will be able to read it and so will R so it is probably best that I do it this way I don't know why I am concerned about how it looks everybody is so concerned about how I look that they ask me if I am okay because I look like I feel bad but nobody ever stops the hitting and touching and if they would just do it then I wouldn't have to be worried about how this looks because then everything would really be okay . I am not going to go to church because everything is not okay and I do not want it to look that way so I just stay home,

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August 20, 1995 at 8:00 p.m. -- I worked all day. I washed and cooked and cleaned and studied and I am really tired but I should be able to keep going because the medication is supposed to be working maybe it isn't right for me and if I get off of it then I won't have to worry about any more memories because I will be too tired and will sleep and then they won't come but I want it all to be over with so they need to come and they need to come now so that I will be able to study this semester. Will I be able to work if they don't come?

So many things for me to consider. I know that the people I would be working with would probably freak out if they saw me curled up in a ball on the bed ready to go church. I need rest. I am scared and tired and only want to go to bed but daddy won't let me. he just keeps on hitting me. IO see it and I feel the tired that I felt then and the pain but I can't cry. I don't know why. I just can't. Maybe it is because the girl in my small group told me I should not be so emeotional I know that she had her own problems and that she doesn't know the half of what I have been through even though her parents were killed in a car wreck trying to move her back home and her husband killed himself because she left him. It isn't the same.

I wish my fateher were alive so I could cuss him out. I wish I could talk to my mother but I can't I wish I could tell her to go to hell and that I was really so angry at her I wish her to hurt Lijke I have been. How dare she do this to me. How dare she let him do it? How dare she not protect her daughter. Mothers and daughters are supposed to get along and love each other and help each other. she did for all the rest of the 5 kids when they were grown but never me. She told me, when she could have helped me at the first of my divorce after tI told her about it don't ask me for anything I can't help you.

I only wanted her love I don't know why I thpought she would bevause she never had so I don't know why I thought she would now I wish my two girls had lived. I couldn't be a mother's daughter but I could have been a daughter's mother. My eyes are blurred and I can't see. I need to get new glasses that I can use on the computer All I can do is hope that the stuff is right. Now I really feel tired.

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August 20, 1995 at 3:00 p.m. -- Hi! How are you today? I am not doing so very good. I slept late again because I couldn't sleep last night. I have insomnia again. It is horrible. It makes me feel drugged out when I finally do get to sleep.

The body jerks have started again. I am in the middle of another memory but it is a body one. I see the horse that was at my friend's house that kicked me the night I ran away from home. I am keeping a stiff neck but it isn't from a crick. It is different. I can feel the pain from the horse kick. I can see it there in the field. I am so scared when my father drives up. I am hiding but he finds me. I wish I could run away and not be found. Daddy took me home and then he hit me. He hit me in the face so hard that if I didn't put my hands up he would have broken my nose. He broke my finger and then he laughed and said if I hadn't put it there then I wouldn't have been hurt. He didn't get it fixed. I see his fist coming at me. I feel the kicks that he is giving me. I do not want to feel this. It hurts. I want to go to sleep but I can't. I am crying in my bed but I can't get to sleep. I smell the horse and the grass and the car and his smoke and I am sick but he keeps hitting me. I see all this from the outside but I feel it in the inside and in my body. It hurts so bad.

I thought if I put the color in my hair it would make me feel better but it hasn't. Not really. What is wrong is what is on the inside and my hair is on the outside. I wish I could be on the outside.

Well I better go. I have to be the mom and take care of my son. Why wasn't my mother a mom? She never took care of me. I wish I could be a little girl again and have a MOM.

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August 19, 1995 -- I made a new friend today. Her name is PF I think. I know it is P. She is nice. She is single mother, survivor, and understands a lot of what I have gone through because she has done it too.

It is amazing that most survivors go through the same things. I have found I can be close friends with a survivor because there is a much deeper bond then if one is and the other isn't. It is hard to explain but it is so. I was drawn to C, M, CF, P, and E and all of them are survivors.

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August 8, 1995 -- Today was a pretty god day. I went and got the oil changed on the car and this time I was able to kind of carry on idle talk with the people there. That is so not a me-thing. I have not been able to do but I usually get my car oil changed there so they are not really strangers but yet they still are. It was an accomplishment for me in a big sort of way.

I haven't realy been keeping a journal for a while but I have in the past. I make a resolution to do a little bit of writing every day and that should take off a lot of the stress that I am feeling right now. I know that I am in for another memory. I am having body jerks when I relax and I feel my stress level rising. I don't usually have to take a Z but I did last night. I told myself it was so that I could go to sleep but it was so that I wouldn't have any nightmares because when the jerks start and the stress level goes up I get into a manic place and then I fight it for a while and then if I let the memory come then I can relax for a while.

Most of my memories come at this time of year and I have had additions to the ones I have had a new one this summer. I am glad to know that I am not the only one who has fragmentation episodes. M does and so does P. If there are so many of us survivors who have them then we can't all be crazy.

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August 4, 1995 -- R talked to me about the cork. I feel much better about my fears of having strange thoughts at the prayer meetings. I really wanted to go this past Friday but C had the car. I feel so much better since I have started taking the P. I still am not really what one would say not depressed but things are not so bad that I run from them. I do not know how it will work out with a session on T before class. I will find out though because class starts W. I am not ready for it to start. I usually am rested up but I am starting the semester out tired and will carry 18 hours. That in itself will be hard. But, hey, I am a survivor right?! You bet!

P said most of her memories are from her teen years and most of mine are from baby years. There is a difference but there are also the things I talked to R about too and those happened during my preteen years.

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July 18, 1995 -- Shame and guilt are two very hard things to handle but I am beginning to understand the difference in them. In fact, that is part of what I put in my talk on RO. I do not have to feel shame any more. It is kind of like realistic and unrealistic guilt and I never knew the difference in the two before BE. So the same is true, I never understood the difference in the two before R talked to me last session.

R was right, I did do a lot of work this last session. C told me that she an d R talked about it to figure out how to get me on medicaid and hopefully they have come up with a way. I was afrid I made her mad because she kind of just plopped her book on the floor when I kept talking but I had to say what I did. I am glad too because I think she thought that I was a perp. I would rather cut my hands off then do something to a child that would hurt them the way that I was hurt. We can work on the book whenever but I had a agenda and I had to get it out in the open and now I am glad that I did it.

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July 8, 1995 -- I can tell when my stress level is up because I smoke more and it is almost up to 2 full packs a day now. When it is down then I only smoke about a pack a day. The amount of smoking I do is a real good indication of my anxiety level and whether I can make it or not.

My big question is whether I can allow myself to feel. R asked if whether I could cry for J but I refused to. She said that the reason I have the unwanted thoughts is that the more I get in touch with my good feelings that have been corked up the more the bad ones come out too. I just didn't feel but if I didn't feel how could I feel love for H and I know that I did? How could I love my children and not allow myself to feel and I know that I love them too. I even still love H so how could I not feel but evidently I cut myself off from all but a few selective feelings.

Thank you for taking time to read my diary. Shadow  




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