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From: argio@aol.com (ARGIO)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: TNG'S LOST EPISODE (Part I)
Date: 29 Mar 1995 23:36:14 -0500
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STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION
THE LOST EPISODE: "THE SNEEZE"
INTRODUCTION: To understand this episode, one must be familiar with the
essential crew of the Starship Enterprise. They are:
GEORDI LAFORGE: Starfleet's answer to McGyver. As the ship's engineer,
there's nothing he can't fix with either a wrench or a tacion feild.
COUNCILLOR DEANNA TROI: Starfleet's answer to Doctor Ruth. As an empath, a
being that can read emotions, Starfleet pays her well to poke her nose
into everyone else's psyche. However, She has a bad tendancy to use
metaphores as a crutch, if her readings are either inaccurate or
incomplete (Example: "I sense great anxiety............It's
like..........It's like a feild of wheat during a hail storm; I can sense
the hail hitting the ground but can't hear it.").
WILLIAM T. RIKER: Kirk with a beard.
DATA: Spock with white paint slapped on him.
WORF: The first Klingon allowed into Starfleet. He has testosterone enough
to fill a Romulan ceremonial flask, but isn't appreciated by the cooler
heads on deck.
JEAN LUC PICARD: It's been said that the French are lovers, and not
fighters. Jean Luc Picard is neither. If Captain Kirk gave an ultimatum to
the enemy of five seconds, it usually went like this "Five, Four, Three,
Two........FIRE MR. SULU...FIRE!!!". The same ultimatum by Picard; "Five,
Four, Three, Two....Is there any avenue of diplomacy that I could have
possibly missed? Let us beam aboard your ship, and discuss this like
gentlemen." One will notice that Picard's command is marked by delegation.
His command decisions are made after hearing all points of view, and once
the crisis has passed, he always has a moral ready for our edification.
With this cast in mind (sorry Beverly Crusher, I said ESSENTIAL cast
members) let us begin with the exciting episode!!
THE SNEEZE
Captain Picard appears slightly concerned, he signals to his crew to hail
the approaching Romulan battle vessel. The Captain of the Vessel
"Vorgeshorg", Commander CEERAKK appears on screen.
PICARD: Commander Romulan ship; this is Jean Luc Picard of the starship
Enterprise....I would like to formally apologize for the..... "incident"
which occured just moments ago. We have been engaged in scientific studies
in this quadrent, and didn't mean to create that reverse ionized tacion
feild which wiped out sixteen of your vessels....We send our deepest, most
heart-felt regards to the families...
CEERAKK: (interrupting ) Commander Picard!! This is Ceerakk of the Romulan
Empire!! Once again you have flagrantly violated our Federation treaty!!
You have breeched the Nuetral Zone, destroyed SEVENTEEN of our cargo
vessels, and killed three hundred of our people!!! IT ENDS NOW PICARD!! NO
MORE NEGOTIATION, NO MORE DISCUSSION, NO MORE TALK....WE WILL BLOW YOU
FROM THE STARS,
PICARD...................DIE!!!......DIE!!!......DIE!!!!!!!
The screen goes black. Picard turns to Troi.
PICARD: Councillor Troi?
TROI: (Holding her hand to her head ) Captain, I sense.............Anger.
I'm not exactly sure what is the source, but there is definitely anger
aboard the Romulan ship. It's like......the door is open, the light is on,
but no one is home.
PICARD: Laforge.
LAFORGE: Captain...Our warp core transducers have failed, and we cant get
them back on line!!!
PICARD: Yes?
LAFORGE: But I have a plan!! If we were to join the two warp coils
together, perhaps with a peice of freshly chewed gum, maybe the
combination of plasma, ionized energy, sugar and saliva will give us the
neccessary power to get out of this quadrent.
PICARD: Data?
DATA: It is possible, Sir. Perhaps with Wrigley's fruit flavored gum.
PICARD: Make it so......(turns to Worf ) Worf!
------------------------------------------------------------------
This message is continued on TNG'S LOST EPISODE (Part II)
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From: argio@aol.com (ARGIO)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: TNG'S LOST EPISODE (Part II)
Date: 29 Mar 1995 23:37:24 -0500
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Continued from where we left off............
-----------------------------------------------------------------
DATA: It is possible, Sir. Perhaps with Wrigley's fruit flavored gum.
PICARD: Make it so......(turns to Worf ) Worf!
WORF: Captain, we must meet the enemy on the feild of honor! We must fight
them with dignity and honor, not run away as cowards!!
PICARD: (ignores Worf, turns to Riker ) Number one!
RIKER: Captain, the Romulans are coming around!!
PICARD: Laforge!!
LAFORGE: Convergence of the coils didn't work, sir. The gum was vaporized.
PICARD: Well, it was worth the effort, Mr. Laforge.
LAFORGE: But I do have another plan!! What if we were to induce the entire
crew of the Enterprize into one, gigantic, collective sneeze... which
would throw the Enterprize into a ridiculous backflip, so confusing the
Romulans.......that.......they......might let us go!!
PICARD: Data!!
DATA: The odds of confusing the Romulans with a ridiculous backflip,
induced by a collective sneeze is 234,000,000 to 1.... Translated into the
Romulan numeric table, thats 123,000 to 1......
..........But it is possible.
PICARD: Make it so! (turns back to Worf ) Worf!!
WORF: Captain!! I must insist that we engage the enemy with dignity and
honor!! Nothing less than our sacred honor is at stake!!!
PICARD: (Again, ignores Worf, turns to Troi ) Councillor Troi!!
TROI: Captain, I'm sensing anger.............from Worf. He feels immas-
culated, almost casterated by your command. He feels he could command the
enterprise better that you, and if given the chance, he would love to snap
your neck employing the ancient Klingon martial tactic of HAKKLORRKO.
RIKER: Captain, we're being hailed by the Romulans.
PICARD: On screen!
Once again, Commander Ceerakk arrives on the screen.
PICARD: Commander Romulan ship.....I must further emphasize our deep
sorrow with what has happened this day!!....We are really, REALLY sorry,
and hope that you will understand that we wish you only good will and
love!!! PLEASE BELEIVE ME!! IT WAS A MISTAKE!!! PLEASE DON'T HURT......
CEERAK: (Again, interrupts ) Commander Picard, I have hailed you because I
kinda felt bad about some of the hurtful things that I may have said in my
anger and haste. Perhaps I was a bit too brisk with you, a bit to curt,
and for that I am sorry. It's just that....you know... when my people get
mercilessly slaughtered for no reason, I have a tendency to get a little
hot headed.....That's my problem, something I have deal with on my own
terms. Maybe in the process, I could become a better person, and you and I
could one day be friends!! Either way, again, I am sorry for the
nastiness....Talli-Ho!!
Picard nods with a new sense of hope for the universe. The screen goes
black. Picard turns to his gallant crew.
PICARD: I beleive we have all witnessed a valuable lesson today. You see,
when you grovel and beg at your enemie's feet, supplicating yourself to
his mercy....You may not only win your life back, you may also win a
FRIEND!! It's an important lesson. One that perhaps all of us can learn
from!!
Everyone smiles, their hearts lifted.
DATA: What's our heading, Captain?
PICARD: Set a course for the.........for the...........AAAAAAHHHHHHH......
CHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
The ship then spirals into a ridiculous backflip.
---------------
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This story was copied from ftp://ftp.informatik.uni-oldenburg.de/pub/startrek
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