If crime went down 100%, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be.
--Councilman John-- Bowman

Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.
--sign at a railroad station--

President Carter speaks loudly and carries a fly spotter, a fly swasher--it's been a long day.
--President Gerald Ford--

Warning: Never use while sleeping.
--warning on a hair dryer--

I had a great idea this morning, but I didn’t like it.
--Samuel Goldwyn--

Due to a typing error, Gov. Dukakis was incorrectly identified in the third paragraph as Mike Tyson.
--Correction in a Massachusetts newspaper--

1. Resolved, by this council, that we build a new jail.
2. Resolved, that the new jail be built out of the materials of the old jail.
3. Resolved, that the old jail be used until the new jail is finished.
--Board of Councilmen, Mississippi, mid-1800’s--

WISH—to end all the killing in the world
HOBBIES—Hunting and fishing
--California Angel Bryan Harvey (flashed on scoreboard during a game)--

Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?
--Accused thief defending his own case in court. (he got 10 years)--

If Lincoln was alive today, he’d roll over in his grave.
--President Gerald Ford--

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.
--Brooke Shields--

I love California. I grew up in Phoenix.
--Vice-President Dan Quayle--

Even if they had it (Mardi Gras) in the streets, I wouldn’t go.
--Samuel Goldwyn--

QUESTION: What would you do if you found a million dollars?
ANSWER: I’d find the fellow who lost it, and if he was poor, I’d return it.
--Yogi Berra--

Bite the wax tadpole
--Coca-Cola translated into Chinese--

Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day.
--Samuel Goldwyn--

Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
--Samuel Goldwyn--

They’re multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
--explaining why the Air Force bought $1000 pliers--

They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist—
--General John Sedgwick. Union Commander in Civil War. Last words while watching enemy troops advance--

Now ride off in all directions.
--Michael Curtiz, directing Gary Cooper on a horse--

Making love is a mental illness that wastes time and energy. --People’s Republic of China--

I don’t know. They were wearing a paper bag over their head.
--Asking Yogi Berra if the streaker he saw was male or female.--

Wait a minute! I’m not interested in agriculture. I want the military stuff.
--Sen. William Scott during a briefing where officials began telling him about missile silos.--

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
--Senator S. I. Hayakawa--

There’s a hard shot to LeMaster—and he throws Madlock into the dugout
--Jerry Coleman, Padres announcer--

Equal goes it loose.
--German president translating "It will soon begin" into English--

I didn’t inhale.
--Bill Clinton--