SMALL TALK
... On Bugs, Errors, and Idiosyncrasies
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A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a
simple system that worked.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in
human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
A crash is when your competitor's program dies. When your program dies, it
is an 'idiosyncrasy'. Frequently, crashes are followed with a message like
'ID 02'. 'ID' is an abbreviation for idiosyncrasy and the number that follows
indicates how many more months of testing the product should have had.
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming on the computer.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would have taken
many men many months to equal it.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world
that just don't add up.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things
they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Computer software must not only work, it must also appear to work.
I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about
human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive.
We've created life in our own image.
If a computer can't directly address all the RAM you can use, it's just a toy.
If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a
Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode
once a year, killing everyone inside.
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage,
having passed through very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and none dare
criticize it.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual
way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks
of complaining.
It figures. If there is Artificial Intelligence, then there's bound to be some
artificial stupidity.
It's easy to cry 'bug' when the truth is that you've got a complex system and
sometimes it takes a while to get all the components to co-exist peacefully.
I've finally learned what 'upward compatibility' means. It means we get
to keep all our old mistakes.
Life was simpler before World War II. After that, we had systems.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.
Of course, unless one has a theory, one cannot expect much help
from a computer (unless it has a theory)...
Personal computers are just too hard to uses, and it isn't your fault.
Remember, if you can lift it - it's not a REAL computer.
The computer is down. I hope it's something serious.
The danger from computers is not that they will eventually get as smart
as men, but we will meanwhile agree to meet them halfway.
The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.',
I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs.'
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree,
is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals.
We cause accidents.
There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.
To err is human, and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
Too bad men aren't like computers. Predictable, compliant, full of answers
but no questions... yet able to deliver an occassional delightful surprise.
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
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