Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs.
One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God. Do they eat dogs in America?"
"I don't know!" says the other, equally appalled.
"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do."
They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please."
The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"

A rabbi and a priest are playing golf. The rabbi misses a shot and exclaims "G-d damn it, I missed!". The priest chides him "A man of your profession shouldn't be taking the Lord's name in vain". The rabbi apologizes, but at the next hole he misses again and again exclaims "G-d damn it, I missed!". The priest is really upset now, and the rabbi apologizes again, saying "If I say that again, may a bolt of lightning come down and strike me dead." Third hole, the rabbi makes the worst shot yet and yells "G-d damn it, I missed!" Immediately, a bolt of lightning comes down from the sky and hits the priest, whereupon a thunderous voice is heard "G-d damn it, I missed!"

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor.
He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action".
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"

So you think your life is bad?
Just think how the life of an egg is.
You only get laid once. You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard and 2 minutes to get soft.
You have to share a box with 11 other guys.
And the only chick who ever sat on your face was...
your mother...

A father has three daughters, and they all have a date on the same night.
The first date comes to the door and knocks, the father answers the door.

Flo comes down and she leaves with Joe.
A few minutes later, another young man comes to the door and knocks.
Dad answers.

Betty comes down and leaves with her date.
Soon thereafter, a third knock is heard at the door.

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"
This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.
Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Polish man to friend: "I think my wife died."
Friend: "What do you mean, you're not sure ?"
Polish man: "Well, the sex is the same, but the sink is full of dishes!"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No. What did that stupid shit do this time?", says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little fucker because he's been driving me nuts", says the patron.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "What now?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barkeeper. "Well, what did you expect?", replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe, long term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die:
First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.
Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed.
On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?"
"You're going to die," she replied.

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 High School/Jr.High


           10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
           20 END


 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 First year in College

           program Hello(input, output)
             begin
               writeln('Hello World')
             end.


 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 Senior year in College

           (defun hello
             (print
               (cons 'Hello (list 'World))))


 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 New professional

           #include 
           void main(void)
           {
             char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
             int i;

             for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
               printf("%s", message[i]);
             printf("\n");
           }


 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 Seasoned professional

           #include 
           #include 

           class string
           {
           private:
             int size;
             char *ptr;

           public:
             string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}

             string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
             {
               ptr = new char[size + 1];
               strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
             }

             ~string()
             {
               delete [] ptr;
             }

             friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
             string &operator=(const char *);
           };

           ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
           {
             return(stream << s.ptr);
           }

           string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
           {
             if (this != &chrs)
             {
               delete [] ptr;
              size = strlen(chrs);
               ptr = new char[size + 1];
               strcpy(ptr, chrs);
             }
             return(*this);
           }

           int main()
           {
             string str;

             str = "Hello World";
             cout << str << endl;

             return(0);
           }


 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 Master Programmer

           [
           uuid(2573F8F4-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
           ]
           library LHello
           {
               // bring in the master library
               importlib("actimp.tlb");
               importlib("actexp.tlb");

               // bring in my interfaces
               #include "pshlo.idl"

               [
               uuid(2573F8F5-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
               ]
               cotype THello
            {
            interface IHello;
            interface IPersistFile;
            };
           };

           [
           exe,
           uuid(2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
           ]
           module CHelloLib
           {

               // some code related header files
               importheader();
               importheader();
               importheader();
               importheader("pshlo.h");
               importheader("shlo.hxx");
               importheader("mycls.hxx");

               // needed typelibs
               importlib("actimp.tlb");
               importlib("actexp.tlb");
               importlib("thlo.tlb");

               [
               uuid(2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820),
               aggregatable
               ]
               coclass CHello
            {
            cotype THello;
            };
           };

           #include "ipfix.hxx"

           extern HANDLE hEvent;

           class CHello : public CHelloBase
           {
           public:
               IPFIX(CLSID_CHello);

               CHello(IUnknown *pUnk);
               ~CHello();

               HRESULT  __stdcall PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString);

           private:
               static int cObjRef;
           };

           #include 
           #include 
           #include 
           #include 
           #include "thlo.h"
           #include "pshlo.h"
           #include "shlo.hxx"
           #include "mycls.hxx"

           int CHello::cObjRef = 0;

           CHello::CHello(IUnknown *pUnk) : CHelloBase(pUnk)
           {
               cObjRef++;
               return;
           }

           HRESULT  __stdcall  CHello::PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString)
           {
               printf("%ws\n", pwszString);
               return(ResultFromScode(S_OK));
           }

           CHello::~CHello(void)
           {

           // when the object count goes to zero, stop the server
           cObjRef--;
           if( cObjRef == 0 )
               PulseEvent(hEvent);

           return;
           }

           #include 
           #include 
           #include "pshlo.h"
           #include "shlo.hxx"
           #include "mycls.hxx"

           HANDLE hEvent;

            int _cdecl main(
           int argc,
           char * argv[]
           ) {
           ULONG ulRef;
           DWORD dwRegistration;
           CHelloCF *pCF = new CHelloCF();

           hEvent = CreateEvent(NULL, FALSE, FALSE, NULL);

           // Initialize the OLE libraries
           CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

           CoRegisterClassObject(CLSID_CHello, pCF, CLSCTX_LOCAL_SERVER,
               REGCLS_MULTIPLEUSE, &dwRegistration);

           // wait on an event to stop
           WaitForSingleObject(hEvent, INFINITE);

           // revoke and release the class object
           CoRevokeClassObject(dwRegistration);
           ulRef = pCF->Release();

           // Tell OLE we are going away.
           CoUninitialize();

           return(0);
           }

           extern CLSID CLSID_CHello;
           extern UUID LIBID_CHelloLib;

           CLSID CLSID_CHello = { /* 2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820
 */
               0x2573F891,
               0xCFEE,
               0x101A,
               { 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
           };

           UUID LIBID_CHelloLib = { /*
 2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
               0x2573F890,
               0xCFEE,
               0x101A,
               { 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
           };

           #include 
           #include 
           #include 
           #include 
           #include 
           #include "pshlo.h"
           #include "shlo.hxx"
           #include "clsid.h"

           int _cdecl main(
           int argc,
           char * argv[]
           ) {
           HRESULT  hRslt;
           IHello        *pHello;
           ULONG  ulCnt;
           IMoniker * pmk;
           WCHAR  wcsT[_MAX_PATH];
           WCHAR  wcsPath[2 * _MAX_PATH];

           // get object path
           wcsPath[0] = '\0';
           wcsT[0] = '\0';
           if( argc > 1) {
               mbstowcs(wcsPath, argv[1], strlen(argv[1]) + 1);
               wcsupr(wcsPath);
               }
           else {
               fprintf(stderr, "Object path must be specified\n");
               return(1);
               }

           // get print string
           if(argc > 2)
               mbstowcs(wcsT, argv[2], strlen(argv[2]) + 1);
           else
               wcscpy(wcsT, L"Hello World");

           printf("Linking to object %ws\n", wcsPath);
           printf("Text String %ws\n", wcsT);

           // Initialize the OLE libraries
           hRslt = CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

           if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

               hRslt = CreateFileMoniker(wcsPath, &pmk);
               if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt))
            hRslt = BindMoniker(pmk, 0, IID_IHello, (void **)&pHello);

               if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

            // print a string out
            pHello->PrintSz(wcsT);

            Sleep(2000);
            ulCnt = pHello->Release();
            }
               else
            printf("Failure to connect, status: %lx", hRslt);

               // Tell OLE we are going away.
               CoUninitialize();
               }

           return(0);
           }


 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 Apprentice Hacker

           #!/usr/local/bin/perl
           $msg="Hello, world.\n";
           if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
             while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
               $outfilename = $arg;
               open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg:
 $!\n";
               print (FILE $msg);
               close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n";
             }
           } else {
             print ($msg);
           }
           1;


 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 Experienced Hacker

           #include 
           #define S "Hello, World\n"
           main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}


 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 Seasoned Hacker

           % cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
           % a.out


 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 Guru Hacker

           % cat
           Hello, world.
           ^D


 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 New Manager

           10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
           20 END


 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 Middle Manager

           mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12
           Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello,
   world."?
           I need it by tomorrow.
           ^D


 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 Senior Manager

           % zmail jim
           I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.


 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 Chief Executive

           % letter
           letter: Command not found.
           % mail
           To: ^X ^F ^C
           % help mail
           help: Command not found.
           % damn!
           !: Event unrecognized
           % logout

Billy is in the bar and he has had quite a few already. At two o'clock, another round is offered, and although he knows he shouldn't, he takes another beer, simply because they taste just too good. Anyway, after the final beer, he gets up from his stool and immediately drops on the floor.
That was not what he had expected. He knew he had had some, but...
All right, he tries to get up but again he falls. After some more attempts, he gives up and decides to crawl home. At the door of his house he assumes it is better not the stand up, since he will almost certainly fall over again and wake up his wife. So he crawls quietly to his bed and slips in without his wife noticing it.
The next morning his wife speaks to him furiously.
"Have you been drunk again last night?"
Billy is surprised and asks her how she knew.
"Well", she says, "they just called from the bar that you had forgotten your wheelchair again!"

Stefan and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" To which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one."
A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one."
Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000" Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?" The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa. "Then go fuck yourself"