You know you are addicted to the Internet when...

  • You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act.

  • You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

  • Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

  • Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

  • You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

  • You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

  • You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.

  • You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

  • All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

  • And even your night dreams are in HTML.

  • You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

  • You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

  • You start introducing yourself as "hershy@melbpcdotorgdotau "

  • You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

  • You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

  • Your partner drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

  • All of your friends have an @ in their names.

  • When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

  • Your dog has its own home page.

  • You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.

  • You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

  • You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.

  • You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

  • You refer to your age as 3.x.

  • You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

  • Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

  • Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel.

  • You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

  • You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. (although PsychoBitch is a giveaway)

  • You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

  • You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems. You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games.

  • You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

  • You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

  • You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

  • You tell the cab driver you live at >http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html >

  • You actually try that 123.elm. street address.

  • Your virtual girlfriend finds a new net sweetheart with a larger bandwidth.

  • You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Mom's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

  • Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC >channel.

  • You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

  • Your sweetie makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

  • You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines redundant.

  • You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."

  • You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.

  • The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

  • You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while you are pretending to catch your breath.

  • You forget what year it is.

  • You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

  • You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".

  • You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

  • You turn on your computer and turn off your partner.

  • Your partner says communication is important in a relationship... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

  • As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.