Don't know if you have seen Steven Wright. He is does endless one liners in
a dry dead pan manner. I like him but admitedly it's an acquired taste...
>>>> THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STEVEN WRIGHT <<<
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always
room-temperature.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered
French toast during the Renaissance.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the
guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open
24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they
ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and
replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I
know you?"
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are
furious.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so
often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call
from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I
never have to go upstairs.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do
you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I
wasn't going to be out that long."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't
you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I
read."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther,
trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go."
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor.
Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking
spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the
entire area was missing.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like
I'm the only one moving.
For a while I didn't have a car ... I had a helicopter ... no place to
park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [glance
upward]
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means
it's going to be up all night.
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all
over the world.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep
good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.
"Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're
behind the couch."
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went
to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in
Spanish.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I
was an only child . . . eventually.
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so
far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch
yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
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