One-Liners :

• Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
• Attempt to get a new car for your spouse- it'll be a great trade!
• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
• Everybody repeat after me..."We are all individuals."
• Death to all fanatics!
• Chastity is curable, if detected early.
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
• Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
• Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.
• If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
• Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
• There's no future in time travel.
• If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
• Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
• Corduroy pillows -- they're making headlines!
• Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.
• A good pun is its own reword.
• Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor?
• Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
• Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
• I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
• Lord save me from your followers.
• Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
• I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
• Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
• Some people have a way with words, others not have way.
• Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
• I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• All generalizations are false, including this one.
• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
• If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.
• Drink your Coffee! There are people in India sleeping.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
• I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination.
• There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
• Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
• Look out for #1. Don't step in #2, either.
• Department of Redundancy Department
• 90% of all statistics are made up.
• "If the shoe fits, buy it." Imelda Marcos
• It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.
• Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• 3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
• A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
• A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
• A day without sunshine is like night.
• A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
• Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.
• Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
• As I said before, I never repeat myself.
• As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
• Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing
• Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
• Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.
• Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.
• Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
• Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.
• Clones are people two.
• Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
• Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.
• Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
• I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
• Do not put statements in the negative form.
• Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
• Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Friction can be a drag sometimes.
• Geez if you believe in honkus.
• He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester & Keith Moon School of hair styling.
• Have you seen Quasimoto? I have a hunch he's back!
• He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!
• Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
• Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
• I bet you I could stop gambling.
• I couldn't care less about apathy.
• I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!
• Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
• Drilling for oil is boring.
• Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
• I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
• I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
• I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
• I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
• I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!
• I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
• If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
• We are all prawns in the game of life.