Book I
A New Hope

Norman was a crouton farmer from the town of Olivia. Olivia was a backwards town where the word of Bob had not reached the people, the Native Olivians. Norman's field was located just over 22,222 yards from the southern border of Olivia. This is where our story begins...

One hot summer day, Norman was hoeing his crouton fields when a massive sparrow flew over head. The bird circled above Norman for two minutes and two seconds before dropping a massive load upon Norman. The shit splattered all over Norman's face, suddenly he became violently ill, vomiting all over the ground. Suddenly before Norman's amazed eyes, the vomit formed into the head of a fat bald man with a tuft of white hair. Norman stared as he wondered what he had eaten that was so white.

"What the Smell you staring at? Ain't you never seen a miracle of Bob before?" the vomit spewed forth.

"Uh, Um, no, sorry," Norman Stuttered.

"You bet your ass you're sorry. Now the people of Olivia have been without the word of Bob for long enough. Go into the crouton field and fast...."

"Um, how fast?" Interupted Norman as he turned to run into the crouton field.

"No, not fast, fast, you know, don't eat till I tell you, like go to bed with out supper," Bob replied as the puke shook its head.

Norman was amazed that the vomit could actually shake its head, "You mean that I am being punished?"

"Punished? No, I mean that you should go out into the crouton fields and not eat anything, and when you have not eaten long enough, I will give you the Bobmandments to give to the Native Olivians."

"Uh, sure." said Norman "whatever."

"Now get your sorry ass in the field. And no snacking."

Norman rushed off into the field and sent his fifty migrant workers home in their pickup. Norman sat there for two hours and two minutes. Norman was starting to get hungry. He looked around for Bob but he didn't see anything but the nummy nummy croutons. Just as Norman was reaching for the croutons there was a mighty flash and with the smell of mayonnaise an overweight bald man with a tuft of white hair on his head appeared before Norman.

"Norman, you have proven yourself worthy of receiving My Bobmandments," and two large slices of bread appeared at Norman's feet. "Give these Bobmandments to your people!" Bob commanded, and with another flash and more mayonnaise, Bob was gone.

Norman picked up the bread and saw that the Bobmandments were written in mold on them. Norman began to walk back to Olivia, as the wetbacks had taken the pickup, with the slices of bread.

Soon Norman began to feel very hungry and the slices of bread looked good. Norman took a small bite out of one and it tasted of mayonnaise and cheese doodles. He couldn't help himself and soon ate both slices of bread.

Norman felt better until he realized what he had done. All the way back to Olivia he tried to remember all the Bobmandments. Norman was concentrating so hard that when he passed through Bychen, sister city of Clements, he blinked and missed it.

Norman soon came to the Great Penis of the Prairie. There, under the GPP in the GPP approved guaranteed storm proof really dry shelter Norman called together the Native Olivians.

"My fellow Native Olivians, The great and powerful Bob has appeared before me and has given me, His chosen Oracle, his Bobmandments to give to you."

"Bullshit!!" came Doubting Doris's reply "you been smoken banana peels again!"

Suddenly Norman found himself saying, "Look to the Great Drainage Ditch!"

The People all turned toward the Great drainage ditch and saw that it now flowed with pure mayonnaise. The people rejoiced.

"Look to the sky," came the voice from Norman's throat.

The people look up as croutons rained from the sky and Norman felt his stomach tighten as he felt the price of a bushel of croutons drop.

"Reach into your pockets," Norman again said.

The people reached into their pockets and pulled forth a handful of cheese doodles, the people were too busy munching to rejoice.

"Gith uth fa Bubmanthmufnts!" yelled Doubting Doris with a mouthful of cheese doodles.

In a blind panic, Norman stood beneath the GPP to recite the Bobmandments:



1. Do not worship any other false gods besides me.

2. Remember Bobmandment #1.

3. You shall be slack in your religion.

4. Honor your ah... ahm... dope plants.

5. Never understand a short, fat, bald guy.

6. Sacrifice cows in the park.

7. Only you can start fires... fire, fire, eh, eh fire's cool!

8. Thou shall only fart in front of Bob.

9. Sacrifice all refuse to Bob.

10. When nature calls... please call back.

11. Thou shall cover any Tupperware.

12. Never play a lot with a muffler.

13. Thou shall seek and destroy.

14. Thou shall call me Ray, or thou shall call me Jay, don't call me late for supper.

15. Thou shall wipe after almost every dump.

16. If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a seatie and wipe sweetie.

17. Never piss on a Bobtist Monk, he will shred you and feed you to the pigs at a local barbecue.

18. Thou shall do me.

19. Thou shall stop saying thou shall.

20. Women are weak and superior.

21. There should never be any female Bobtist Monks, for they might mess it up.

Norman breathed a sigh of relief and hoped he got them all right. As Norman quickly scanned the crowd he saw Betty June Bobby Sue Mary Ann Ginger Janet Lisa Jane Cathy Teri Cheri Mariellen Shannon Dawn Niki Sara Joy Hope Charity Maria Chastity Karen Sophie Stacie Tracie Tiffinie, his girlfriend of four months, standing behind his wife, Bertha, and he had an inspiration. Norman cleared his throat and continued:


22. Thou shall... oops, You can have as many wives as you dare to take.

23. Women shall do the dishes, do the laundry.

24. You must hate all purple and green dinosaurs.


The people adopted the ways of Bob and lived happily for years. One day Bob came down from Bobatropolis and visited Olivia. He found the people following only some of his Bobmandments. Bob became angry and threw a temper tantrum. When he settled down he called for Norman.

"What the Smell is going on here!" Bob yelled as Norman approached "All you had to do was give a few pieces of moldy bread to the people! But could you do that? No! I should have known better than give them to a screw-up like you. What the smell happened?"

"I was hungry, so I ate them," Norman replied meekly.

"Did you fart Norman?" Bob asked as he waved his hand in front of his face.

"Um, ya."

"Why in the name of He Who Walks Behind The Rows And None Shall Ever Speak Of And Shall Remain Nameless, but I call him Uncle Jake for short, did you fart in front of me?"

"Bobmandment number eight," Norman replied.

"Oh, whatever, but I do like the as many as you dare line. That shows promise"

"Well, I added that so I could marry my five girl friends and my wife couldn't say anything."

"Mmm... Maybe it's not so bad. Oh what the Smell, ya done good." And with a flash and even more mayonnaise Bob was gone.

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