Book III
Uncut

Two years, two months, two weeks, two days, two hours, two minutes, and two and twenty two hundredths of a second after escaping from the clutches of the Evil Danubians, Norman was on the east edge of Olivia checking the Great Wall of Slinkies which serves as the main defense of Olivia from the Evil Danubians, this is also a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, long sentence, but not that this really matters anyway, but I'm rambling on and I probably should end this sentence and get on with the story, but it's gotten so long that I hate to end it now and maybe I could fill a whole page with this one sentence, but I'm sure you want me to get on with the story so I'll end the sentence now. I can't believe that I just ended that huge sentence. You know what? I had a cool thing going with that sentence! Oh, well, no crying over spilt mayonnaise.

Where was I? Um... Oh yeah, Norman and the Wall of Slinkies, any ways... As Norman was walking back into town, he looked down the Great Drainage Ditch and, too his horror, he saw a huge Spanish galleon sailing towards Olivia.

"Oh my Bob! He's back!" Norman yelped as he started running back towards Olivia.

"The pink coats are coming! The pink coats are coming!" yelled Norman as he ran through the streets of Olivia. He ran to St. Bobalicious church in the center of town and climbed the steps of the bell tower.

At the top, Norman stopped and looked around. There were many lanterns ready to be lit. "Oh, man... Let me see," said Norman as he stared at the lanterns deep in thought "one if by land, two if by sea, three if by jumbo jet, four if by Pinto, five if by parachute, six if by greyhound, seven if by school bus, eight if by feltching, nine if by gerbil, ten if by X-wing, eleven if by TARDIS, twelve if by transporter, thirteen if bisexual, fourteen if by ostrich, fifteen if by hanging from the claws of vultures and riding inside of a fart bubble, sixteen if by Death Star, seventeen if by riding on the back of an old Danubian chicken while singing the Star Spangled Banner, eighteen if by sailing a giant Spanish galleon down the Great Drainage ditch which is crewed by homosexual pirates... Yes, that's the one!" said Norman as he started to light eighteen lantern. Norman placed the eighteen lanterns on the ledge of the bell tower, but in the process, he knocked three lanterns off the ledge.

The Native Olivians, awakened by the sound of Norman yelling in the streets, looked to the tower and saw fifteen lanterns shining out.

"Beware those who hang from the claws of vultures and ride inside of fart bubbles!" yelled the Native Olivians. They then began to prepare their defense. breaking out gas masks, and manning the anti aircraft guns. They began to scan the sky looking for the fart bubble riding vulture riders.

Suddenly from behind the anti aircraft guns there came a mighty voice, "Avast ye mateys, I be Puff Leg the Pirate, and ye be my new mateys! Har de har har!" the Native Olivians turned and gasped in horror as they looked upon two hundred and two gaily dressed individuals. They all had cutlasses and tubes of anal gel.

"What do you want mighty Puff Leg? We are but poor crouton farmers, we have nothing you want!" pleaded Norman.

"Ar, matey, I be wanting to swab yer poop deck and I'll be letting ye walk me plank, eh me mateys? Har, har, har!" yelled Puff Leg to his men, who all laughed.

"Um, wait! I don't think that my poop deck needs a swabbing," replied Norman.

"Ar, me thinks it does! But I be not an unhonorable man. I be given you but one chance, defeat me greatest champion in single combat and me pirates and me'll leave ye alone."

"Very well, who is your champion?" yelled Norman.

"Me champion be none other then the giant Lorena! Who be yours, matey?" asked Pull Leg as a huge fifteen foot tall woman strode forward with a butcher knife in one hand.

"My champion is, um, ah," Norman stalled "I, ah, choose, um, ah ha! John Wayne Bobbit come on down!" Norman yelled at the assembled Native Olivians. After a moment, the crowed parted and a man who was only half a man strode forward. He pulled off his useless jock strap and loaded a cheese doodle into the cup.

"I be cutt'n ye in half, little man!" screamed Lorena.

"Too late, I'm half the man I used to be!" John Wayne Bobbit yelled back as he started to twirl the useless jock above his head.

"Dost ye think that a meer cheese doodle and a jock strap can beats me?" taunted Lorena as she swung the knife threatenly.

"Yup," replied John Wayne Bobbit as he released the cheese doodle from the jock. It flew straight and true, striking Lorena just above the left knee. The cheese doodle struck with such force that it blew Lorena's left leg clean off. Lorena fell in a dead lump of flesh.

"Puff Leg, my champion has defeated yours! Please leave!" yelled Norman as he pointed to the Great Drainage Ditch.

"Ar, ye beats me fair and square. I be a man of me word and I be leave'n now, but one day I'll be back with a champion greater than Lorena! Then matey, I be swabbing yer poop deck fer sher!" said Puff Leg as he lead his men back to his Spanish Galleon.


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