DELUSIONS

THE BOBPOKALYPSE

BOOK 1- The Seven Signs

Before the end of the world, there will come seven signs. Bob will give fair warning to those that must make peace in their lives and with Bob. All the signs will be obvious to those prepared. The signs are as follows:

The first sign will come when a President, with crooked teeth, tells the world he is gay, while wearing a pink tu-tu (and nothing else) while dancing around the White House, throwing pansies.

The second sign will be a pink frog that tells everyone that he is Rumplestilskin. By the way, he's lying.

The third sign will be a headless, bearded lady seeking her revenge on her former lover, the malformed toad boy. There will be a bloody war as she hunts him down for food.

The forth sign will be a crackhouse raid that ends in the destruction of seven states. The cause of the destruction will be a giant fart.

The fifth sign will be a Ted Danson and Whoopie Glodburg reunion.

The sixth, and most important, sign will be a gentle breeze.

The seventh sign, always a crowd pleaser, will be a gigantic tital wave of mayonnaise that finally rips California from the rest of the continental United States.

So, you are warned. Pay heed to these warnings for they may be the only way to be ready...

********** BOOK 2- THE PLAGUES

Many Plagues will ravage the world before its bitter end. The world will become a living nightmare. First there will be an increase in the Elvis impersonators who will constantly be singing "Blue Suede Shoes". The second plague will be an increase in the body fat of all celebrities, causing Rosanne Arnold to become wedged in the door frame at the local McDonalds. But the plagues do not stop there, Bellbottoms will make a comeback. Flashy collars and disco are quick to follow. YMCA will be the number one hit forever.

Women will forget about their thighs as eyes begin to swell to the size of grape fruits. Even as this occurs, infomercials will replace the top shows of ever network, shows like the X-Files, ER, and I Love Lucy will only be found at three o'clock in the morning on PBS, and there will be a severe junk food shortage.

Feminine hygiene commercials will be the only commercials on television, and the artist formerly known as Prince but who is just a funny looking squiggly looking thingy will rule the radio with remakes of big band music. Nordic Tracks will overrun the streets, and Clintons will overrun the McDonalds. It will rain McNuggets for forty days and forty nights.

********** BOOK 3- THE GREAT BEASTS

The great beast, 999, will make his blasphemous, dyslexic, presence known to the world. He will smell like Nirvana and his breath will sound of mayonnaise. He will have purple scales and pink hair and he will only speak in Spanish. Many will ask him his name, but due to the language barrier, he will only give his number: 999.

The second great beast to make his evil presence known is an insurance salesman. His blasphemous name is boB, a backwards mockery of the holy name, Bob. He will bleed the country dry by making you believe that you actually need football helmet insurance, even if you don't play football.

The third and most horrible beat is the lawyer. He will rise from the sea, suing everyone for things they may or may not have done. He will charge high rates for bad advice. His blasphemous name is Eric DeRycke.

********** BOOK 4- THE FOUR DRUG DEALERS OF THE BOBPOKALYPSE

The four drug dealers of the Bobpokalypse will make their grim appearance into our world. The dealers are as follows: Crack, Cocaine, Speed, and Cid. They will ride through the skies in limos of fire, spewing their drugs on the streets. The drugs will prove fatal to all who try them, but what a way to go: Stoned out of your MIND! Crack will take the big cities. Cocaine will take the "burbs". Small, nowhere towns will be ravaged by Speed. And Cid will take everything else. The four drug dealers will leave nothing.

********** BOOK 5- REDEMPTION OF SOULS

All souls will wait for judgment in the waiting room. It's a nice room with plush drapes and bowls of fruit. Finally, Bob will make his appearance and judge everyone gathered. Those who were truly slack in their religion will be allowed to the promised land of Bobatropolis. Bob's pet ditch weed, Jim Bob, will open the crusty gates of Bobatropolis to allow them to enter. Te rest of the souls will be put on "hold" for 50 years. After 50 years, Bob will appear for religious fanatics. He will send them to the place of punishment, Smell. Once there, they will have to share a bunk with one of the Elvis impersonators of the Bobpokalypse, who never goes out of character.



THESE ARE THE WORDS OF BOB.

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