From: Sarah Craimer 
To: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: funny
Date: Tue, 30 Jul 1996 19:39:00 +0200

* What is spoo? Spoo....is.

     (Spoo is also Oops spelled backward.)

* Spoo is/are (the plural of spoo is spoo) small, white, pasty, mealy critters, rather worm-like, and generally regarded as the ugliest animals in the known galaxy by just about every sentient species capable of starflight, with the possible exception of the pak'ma'ra, who would simply recommend a more rigorous program of exercise. They are also generally considered the most delicious food in all of known space, regardless of the individual's biology, almost regardless of species, except for the pak'ma'ra, who like the flavor but generally won't say so simply to be contrary.

     Spoo are raised on ranches on worlds with a damp, moist, somewhat chilly climate so that their skin can acquire just the right shade of paleness. Spoo travel in herds, if moving a total of six inches in any given direction in the course of a given year can actually be considered moving. They stay in herds ostensibly for mutual protection, but the reality is that if they weren't propped up against one another, most of them would simply fall down. They do not howl, bark, moo, purr, yap, squeak or speak. Mainly, they sigh. Herds of sighing spoo can reportedly induce unparalleled bouts of depression, which is why most spoo ranchers wear earmuffs even when it's only mildly cold, damp, wet and dreary outside. If there is any life-or-death struggle for dominance within the spoo herd, it has not yet been detected by modern science.

     Spoo ranching is one of the least regarded professions known. Little or no skill is required, once you've got a planet with the right climate. You bring in two hundred spoo, plop them down in the middle of your ranch, and go back to the nearby house. Soon you've got more. When it comes time to cull out the ones ready for market (the softest, mealiest, palest, most forlorn-looking spoo of the pack), little physical effort is required since they're incapable of rapid movement without falling over (see above). They do not resist, fight, or whine; they only sigh more loudly. When spoo harvest time comes, the air is full of the sound of whacking and sighing, whacking and sighing. Even an experienced spoo rancher can only harvest for brief periods of a time, due to the increased volume of sighing, which even the sound of whacking cannot altogether erase. (also see above) Some have simply gone mad.

     Spoo are the only creatures of which the Interstellar Animal Rights Protection League says, simply, ""Kill 'em.""

     Fresh spoo (served at an optimum temperature of 62-degrees) is served in cubed sections, so that they bear as little resemblence as possible to the animal from which they have just been sliced. Spoo is usually served alongside a chablis, or a white zinfandel. 

     Further information on the care, feeding, eating and whacking of spoo can be found in the second edition of the Interstellar Guide to Fine Dining.

* Re: your desire to make and eat spoo at home...depends on whether or not you ever want to have children later....


To: Humor Rcpt
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor
Cc: 
Bcc: 
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References: 

The other day, we had a bomb scare here in Rio Rancho, NM, at
the Giant gas station. Of course, the bomb squad had to be called
out to investigate, which in turn brought the news crews. In the
local paper the next day, there was a picture of a bomb squad
member, wearing a shirt that read:

        "I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up!"

=================

W. Bruce Cameron sends his latest column. (You can get all of his columns
sent to you by sending a message to majordomo@cwe.com with the words
"subscribe cameron" in lower case as the first line in your message.)
*Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1997*

My father is one of those men who relates his life story in such a
fashion as to be long on instruction and short on accuracy.  The
impression he imparts is of a boyhood where every action was a struggle
against hopeless odds, and his daily walk to the school bus involved
countless miles, plus a fight to the death with some animal encountered
along the way, like a wolverine or a killer whale.  The reason I myself
am so lacking in character can clearly be traced to the deficiency of
significant life-threatening challenge when I was a small child, though
I would have thought my mother's tuna noodle casserole would have
qualified.

His infuriatingly revisionist memory once led us all into an episode my
siblings and I refer to as "the year of the soup," though actually I
think it only lasted four days.  Here's what happened:  my mother, who
was at that point experimenting heavily with meals which employed
nothing but can openers, made the mistake of setting a bowl of what we
kids quickly labeled "Campbell's thick and pukey soup" in front of the
man.  This triggered in my father what drug abusers commonly refer to as
a "flashback," signaled to the rest of us by a sudden wild look in his
eyes.  Fearing the imminent delivery of a character-building lecture, (a
"falseback"), my sisters and I made to bolt from the table, but he froze
us in place with the most terrifying words a father can utter to his
children:  

"When I was a boy..."

When my father was a boy, he went on to claim, his mother would concoct
the most delicious of soups during the winter by use of an iron kettle,
the fire place, and a potpourri of vegetables and table scraps.  "It
would boil for days, and the house would fill with the aroma!"  My
father thundered at us, daring us to call him a liar.  "It was
delicious!"

My mother took this to mean that my father considered her own cooking to
be somewhat short of the delicious mark, something we kids had been
asserting for years.  She told him that if he wanted to prepare his own
blessed dinners from now on that was fine with her, but she was darned
if she was going to slave over a hot stove all day if this was the kind
of thanks she was going to get.

She may not have actually said "blessed" and "darned."

The children were alarmed.  Not at the historical inaccuracy--the only
way it took her all day to slave over that soup was if she opened the
can by chewing on it--but at the idea that my father might be allowed to
try to recreate this insane fire place recipe.  The kids, we were
convinced, would be asked to actually eat the stuff, something which was
sure to be impossible.

Normally my father would retreat in the face of my mother's anger.  His
own cooking was limited to the grill, where he would subject ground beef
to flaming incineration in order to produce what he called hamburgers
and his children dubbed "fireballs."  Alas, at this point he was so
delusional that he leaped up and proclaimed that the soup would "begin
at once."

For the next three days the fireplace roared with culinary enthusiasm
(it was July.)  An iron kettle swung from a hook over the flames, its
contents boiling and sending out a stench which made the whole house
smell like Jeffrey Dahmer's apartment.  True to his word, my father
tossed anything he came across into the pot.  "Chicken bones,
excellent!"  He triumphed.  "Green beans, mushrooms, superb!  Pot roast,
fried eggs, captain crunch, cough syrup, cigarette butts, car mufflers,
shrubs, hernias, tax forms--fantastic!"

Okay, maybe I exaggerate a little, but you get the point here.  When his
creation was deemed ready he served it up in depressingly large
bowls--no way we were going to be able to feed all this to the dog.  

"I'm not hungry," my sister claimed, eyeing her serving.  

"I've got an appendicitis," I hurriedly added. 

 "I'm converting to a religion which won't let me eat sewage," my other
sister declared, impressing us with originality.

My father would not hear our excuses, and so, reluctantly, we each
raised our spoons.

It tasted exactly like what it was, which is to say, boiled garbage.
"I am going to spew vomit," announced my sister, the one with the new
religion. 

"Pretty good, Dad," I countered, trying a different tack.  I had managed
to allow no more than a single molecule of his soup past my lips and now
held my spoon in my lap, shoving the stewed pollution frantically toward
the dog, who was sniffing at it suspiciously.  When it realized my
treacherous intent, it drew its lips back in a snarl.

My other sister appeared to have lost the gift of speech.

And then a miracle happened, a character forming incident even more
educational than wrestling carnivores.  With an odd expression, my
father set his spoon down and faced his wife, who was regarding him with
an arch look.  

"This soup," he declared slowly, the rest of us listening attentively,
"tastes... even worse than my mother's."

To: Humor Rcpt
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor
Cc: 
Bcc: 
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In-Reply-To: 
References: 


HOW COLD IS IT? 
 
  An annotated thermometer (degrees Fahrenheit)

  +50
  * New York tenants turn on the heat
  * Minnesotans plant gardens
 +40
  * Californians shiver uncontrollably
  * Minnesotans sunbathe
  +35
  * Italian cars don't start
  +32
  * Distilled water freezes
  +30
  * You can see your breath
  * You plan a vacation in Florida
  * Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
  * Minnesotans eat ice cream
  +25
  * Boston water freezes
  * Californians weep pitiably
  * Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you
  +20
    * Cleveland water freezes
    * San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
    * Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts
  +15
    * You plan a vacation to Cancun
    * Minnesotans go swimming
  +10
    * Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
    * Too cold to snow
    * You need jumper cables to get the car going
   0
    * New York landlords turn on the heat

  -5
    * You can hear your breath
    * You plan a vacation in Hawaii
  -10
    * American cars don't start
    * Too cold to skate
  -15
    * You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
    * Miamians cease to exist
    * Minnesotans lick flagpoles
  -20
    * Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
    * Politicians actually do something about the homeless
    * People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens
  -25
    * Too cold to kiss
    * You need jumper cables to get the driver going
    * Japanese cars don't start
    * Minnesota Twins head for spring training
  -30
    * You plan a two-week hot bath
    * Bock beer production begins
    * Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
  -38
    * Mercury freezes
    * Too cold to think
    * Minnesotans button top button
  -40
    * Californians disappear
    * Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
    * Minnesotans put on sweaters
  -50
    * Congressional hot air freezes
    * Alaskans close the bathroom window
    * Green Bay Packers practice indoors
  -60
    * Walruses abandon Aleutians
    * Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens
    * Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start
  -70
    * Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
    * Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo, WI

  -80
    * Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
    * Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
  -90
    * Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
    * Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer
 -100
    * Santa Claus abandons North Pole
    * Minnesotans pull down earflaps
 -173
    * Ethyl alcohol freezes
 -445
    * Superconductivity
 -452
    * Helium becomes a liquid
 -454
    * Hell freezes over
 -456
    * Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90
 -458
    * Incumbent politician renounces campaign contribution
 -460  (Absolute Zero)
    * All atomic motion ceases
    * Minnesotans allow as to how it's getting a mite nippy

-=================-

There was two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years
in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity
with each other in 10th grade.
When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the
girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the
west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they
could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home,
and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return her letters. Even when he
e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.
He didnt take this very well and increased his calls and letters and
e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now
had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did is
this:
She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's
unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I
found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.
"Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was
pissed. So what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo
the following:

"Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!"
and then mailed the picture to her parents.

-=================-

The Dilbert Zone's (Stupidest) List Of The Day:

http://umweb2.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/lotd/bin/archive_ret.cgi

Many people submit some funny - but TRUE - stuff!
[A Person wasn't allowed to have a turtle in his office because "they
 run around and disturb employees"

 Boss says: "I don't get it. Bob's cordless phone works. I pulled the
 cord off mine and I can't get a dial tone."]

-=================-

Two blondes are walking through the woods and come upon a set of
tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde 
said that they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the 
train hit them.

-=================-

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.
   
Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file
an  environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the
project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the
earthly part.

Then God said, "Let there be light!"
   
Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. 
Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained 
that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted
provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from
the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve
energy, He would have the light out half the time. God agreed and offered to
call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". The officials replied that they
were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit
trees bearing fruit."
The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.
Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let
birds fly above the earth."
The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department
of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobon
Society.
Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days.
The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the
applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public
hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before...
At this point God created Hell.
To: Humor Rcpt
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit
the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene,
the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the
officer.  "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even
notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left
shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"

-=================-

SAVE THE PENNIES: A private investigator has advised the U.S. Senate
  Subcommittee on Technology, Terrorism and Government Information of a
  major terrorist threat facing the country: cents-off supermarket
  coupons. "To terror organizations hiding in our communities, the coupon
  inserts mean financing, here and abroad," claims Ben Jacobson. He says
  that terror groups are clipping coupons from newspapers and
  fraudulently redeeming them to help finance terrorist operations, and
  it's imperative for the country to toughen coupon fraud laws. (UPI)
  ...Help fight terrorism: pledge to pay only full price for Cap'n
  Crunch.

SHORTCUT: A northern California company says addresses on the Internet
  are too long, too complex, and too hard to remember and type. So the
  company, centraal, has released a new product that allows a lengthy
  "URL", such as http://www.thisistrue.com/books.html, to be replaced
  with simple key words. Their demonstration: replacing a lengthy address
  for a Walt Disney web page with the keyword "Bambi". But when reporters
  and customers tried the example keyword, they were not shown a doe-eyed
  cartoon deer, but doe-eyed live dears on a pornographic site. "THIS
  AIN'T DISNEY, BOYS!" complained one irate user. "I think I might not
  use the Bambi example anymore," sheepish company president Keith Teare
  told reporters. (Reuters) ...That's nothing: you should see "Thumper".

-=================-

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice shout at him.
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on
your head and kill you." The man stopped and a few seconds later a big
brick fell down in front of him, the man was shocked that he wasn't hit by
the brick, the man went on and after a while he went to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more
step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man asked the voice, "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered, "Oh yeah?! And where the
heck were you when I got married?"

-=================-

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a
casket containing a mummy.  After examining it, he called the curator of a
prestigious natural-history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart
failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in.  We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist.  "You were right
about the mummy's age and cause of death.  How in the world did you know?"
"Easy.  There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels
on Goliath'."

-=================-

 Near the town of Raymondville, in the Rio Grande valley of Texas, a
fugitive barricaded himself in a small house and threatened to shoot anyone
who came near the place. The local Sheriff called in a Texas Ranger. In the
gun battle which followed, the fugitive was shot and killed. The local
Justice of the Peace, acting as the coroner, returned the verdict:
"Suicide. Subject failed to co-operate with a Texas Ranger."
and...
---------
 At a convention of oil men, the speaker from Texas called the neighboring
state of Oklahoma an "Outlying province of Texas".

The next speaker, an Oklahoman, started off his talk with, "First of all,
there ain't no state that can out-lie Texas."To: Humor Rcpt
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
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References: 

Hey, it's been a few very HOT days, I just hope this helps cool you off...

                                              )  (  (    (
                                         (  )  () @@  )  (( (
                                     (      (  )( @@  (  )) ) (
                                   (    (  ( ()( /---\   (()( (
     _______                            )  ) )(@ !O O! )@@  ( ) ) )
    <   ____)                      ) (  ( )( ()@ \ o / (@@@@@ ( ()( )
 /--|  |(  o|                     (  )  ) ((@@(@@ !o! @@@@(@@@@@)() (
|   >   \___|                      ) ( @)@@)@ /---\-/---\ )@@@@@()( )
|  /---------+                    (@@@@)@@@( // /-----\ \\ @@@)@@@@@(  .
| |    \ =========______/|@@@@@@@@@@@@@(@@@ // @ /---\ @ \\ @(@@@(@@@ .  .
|  \   \\=========------\|@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ O @@@ /-\ @@@ O @@(@@)@@ @   .
|   \   \----+--\-)))           @@@@@@@@@@ !! @@@@ % @@@@ !! @@)@@@ .. .
|   |\______|_)))/             .    @@@@@@ !! @@ /---\ @@ !! @@(@@@ @ . .
 \__==========           *        .    @@ /MM  /\O   O/\  MM\ @@@@@@@. .
    |   |-\   \          (       .      @ !!!  !! \-/ !!  !!! @@@@@ .
    |   |  \   \          )      .     .  @@@@ !!     !!  .(. @.  .. .
    |   |   \   \        (    /   .(  . \)). ( |O  )( O! @@@@ . )      .
    |   |   /   /         ) (      )).  ((  .) !! ((( !! @@ (. ((. .   .
    |   |  /   /   ()  ))   ))   .( ( ( ) ). ( !!  )( !! ) ((   ))  ..
    |   |_<   /   ( ) ( (  ) )   (( )  )).) ((/ |  (  | \(  )) ((. ).
____<_____\\__\__(___)_))_((_(____))__(_(___.oooO_____Oooo.(_(_)_)((_
-===============-

THE PROBLEM
Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very
dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when
laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most
states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of
recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the
contents are negative.

THE SOLUTION
Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways:
You  are able to state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work
habits, while allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high
praise. When the writer uses these, whether perceived correctly or not
by the ex-employee, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof.

1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy: 
   "In my opinion," you say  as sincerely as you can manage, 
    "you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you."

2. To describe a person who is totally inept:
   "I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no 
    qualifications whatsoever."

3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along  
    with fellow workers:     "I am pleased to say that this candidate 
    is a former colleague of mine."

4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job 
   would be better left unfilled:  "I can assure you that no person 
   would be better for the job."

5.To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
   "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an 
   offer of  employment."

6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials: 
   "All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this 
    candidate or recommend him too highly."

-===============-

Jesus Christ is walking around the streets of Bethlehem one day when he 
notices a mob that appears to be on the verge of violence. 

He walks up to the nearest mob member and asks what's going on. 

The mob member replies that the woman at the front of the crowd has committed
adultry and must be stoned to death. 

Well, naturally Jesus can't stand still and allow this to happen.

He runs up the the front of the crowd and shouts "WAIT!" 

Everyone stopped and looked at him expectantly. 

He continued "Let the person among you who had never committed a sin throw the
first stone." 

As the crowd stood there pondering this, a woman came screaming out of the
crowd, slammed an enormous boulder down on the adultress and kills her
instantly. 

Jesus looked at this woman for a long moment before saying 

"God dammit Mom, sometimes you really piss me off."

-===============-

 Camping Alert
 
 In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please
 note the following public service announcement:
 
 In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing
 when hiking in bear country.  The bells warn away MOST bears.
 Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying
 particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence
 of Grizzly Bears.
 
 One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

-===============-


-===============-To: Humor Rcpt
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in 
the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world 
around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't right know son."

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do 
fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't right know son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father repied. "Don't right know son."

Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking 
you all of these questions?"

The father repied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you 
never learn nothin'." 

-================-

Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I
noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my
dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's
rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight
out to it's cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would
be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I
washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry
with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it's grooming I jumped the fence and
replaced back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as
"natural causes".

Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in as
usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for
the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed:
"DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Her father panic stricken stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor
that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.

Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig
up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"

-================-


A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone
bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that
he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the
lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house,
and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you
for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just
let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in
order ... "

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

"JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A FREAKING TICKET!"

-================-

A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked 
down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little 
man in amazement.

"Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man.
"I'm a mathematician dealing in the laws of nature."

"Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.

"Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and 
went to take them out.  They told me my library card had expired 
and I had to get a new one.  So I went to the registration office 
and got in another line.  And filled out my forms for another card.  
And I got back in line for my card."

"And?" said the judge.

"And he asked 'Can you prove you're from New York City?'

....So I stabbed him."

-================-

While hunting has become a popular sport in many countries, 
laws have to be developed to both keep the populations in balance 
as well as to allow for a fair fight. New Rules and Regulations also
have to be  legislated whenever new species become the object 
of the hunt. With this is mind comes new regulations.

     ********************************
NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWERS
US Government Department of Fish and "WildLife"
Sec. 1200

1.   Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2.   Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls
is permitted.  The use of currency as bait is prohibited.


3.   Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited.  
If accidentally struck, remove dead
attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.


4.   It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys 
from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.


5.   It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash",
"ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.


6.   It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 
100 yards of BMW dealerships.


7.   It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within
200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries,  whorehouses,
 health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.


8.   If an attorney is elected to government
office, it shall be a felony to hunt, "entrap", or
possess it.


9.    Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a
state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.

10.    It shall be illegal for a hunter to
disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp,
female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim,
bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of
hunting attorneys.


     BAG LIMITS
(Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)

1.  Yellow Bellied Sidewinder           2
2.  Two-faced Tort Feasor               1
3.  Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator     4
4.  Small-breasted Ball Buster          3
     (Female only)
5.  Big-mouthed Pub Gut                 2
6.  Honest Attorney                     On the Endangered Species List
                                        (Illegal to hunt)
7.  Cut-throat                          2
8.  Back-stabbing Whiner                2
9.  Brown-nosed Judge Kisser            2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender      $100 BOUNTYTo: Humor Rcpt
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He
held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her
pale lips moved.

"Jake," she said.

"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted.

"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must
confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all
right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have
been unfaithful to you."

Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know
all about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"

-================-

The was  farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he
was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch
at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a
clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made
up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and
they see this sign,it says ``Warning, one of the watermelons in this field
has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign
that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks
over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a
new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: ``Now there are
two".

-================-

LACK OF EVIDENCE: The jury in a Seattle, Wash., drug case is suspected of
  stealing $1,041 in cash, part of the evidence in the case. Prosecutors
  gave all the evidence to the jury to take into deliberations, including
  the money. But when the panel returned from lunch, the cash was gone.
  Only the jury, the bailiff, and the court clerk had access to the room,
  a police detective said, adding "there is little doubt in my mind that
  there was someone on the jury who absconded with the money." However,
  he said, it's unlikely the case will be solved "unless someone wants to
  unburden their soul." A mistrial was declared in the case. (Seattle
  Times) ...It's surprising things like this don't happen more often,
  considering criminals are entitled to "juries of their peers".

WHAT'S IN A NAME? A study by the University of California at San Diego
  finds that people whose initials spell out negative words don't live as
  long as people whose initials spell out positive words. "It's a little
  tiny depressant to be called PIG, or a little tiny boost to your esteem
  to be called ACE or WOW," says psychologist Nicholas Christenfeld. The
  research found 11 especially "good" sets of initials and 19
  particularly "bad" ones, and showed those with better initials such as
  ACE or GOD lived an average of 4.48 years longer than a control group
  with neutral initials. Those with worse initials such as DIE or BUM
  died 2.8 years sooner than the control group, "the notion being that
  accidents aren't really accidents," Christenfeld said. "Whether
  deliberate or not, if you think less of yourself, you may be more
  likely to drive your car into a bridge abutment." (AP) ...BAD you are,
  ACE I be; I'll be here, while you RIP.

NOW NOW NOW NOW! Nagging works. That's the conclusion of marketing
  researchers who found that children get what they want if they nag
  their parents effectively. The firm studied 150 mothers through 10,000
  nagging incidents and found that nagging by children aged 3 to 8 was
  the reason behind 46 percent of toy purchases by their mothers, as well
  as 34 percent of movie theater visits and 34 percent of food purchases.
  While whining "I want it!" didn't work terribly well, reasoned
  pleadings such as "Mom, Barbie needs a dream house so she can build a
  family" were found to be more effective. (Reuters) ...That, and "If you
  don't buy me this, sympathetic juries of the future will certainly take
  it into consideration."

-================-

I have a "true" blond story for you.  This really did happen... I 
went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Carlos,  
and his new girlfriend, Dorthory.  

While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations.  
"Bimbette" (I really called her this for the rest of the time
they were together and right to her face).  Anyway, Bimbette 
said that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next 
vacation.  

I tried to explain to her that it was not a real place.  She 
laughed and said "it is too, it's where Batman lives".  

I then laughed and looked over at Carlos who smiled and told me 
she was serious.  I then tried to explain that, "he does not 
exist,  why do you think there have been three of them:  
Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?"  

She looked me straight in the eye and said "that is because he 
doesn't want anyone to know who he really is."

-================-

                         What The Colors Mean
  
   Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
   to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
  
   "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is
   the happiest day of her life."
  
   The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
   "So why is the groom wearing black?"

-================-

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day.  Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water.  Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball.  It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree.  From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing golf with your Dad when he shows off."

Ifyoucanreadthisyouarespendingtoomuchtimefiguringoutmyoneliners

-================-

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has
about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the
twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realise
what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it
will digest itself.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features
with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.
[ed: huh? I think not - but I might be confusing WB with Disney]

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs -
it will let you go instantly.

Reindeer like to eat bananas.

-================-

One day a  bachelor who was a poor tipper walked into his favorite
restaurant and ordered lunch.

A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip.

When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his "generosity" and
she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped.

"Well, what could you tell about me?" he asked.

"You put three pennies in a neat row," said the waitress, "and that shows
you are a very tidy person.  The first penny tells me you are a frugal,
and the second tells me that you are a bachelor."

"That's true," he agreed.  "But what does the third penny tell you?"

"The third penny tells me your Father was a bachelor, too."

-================-To: Humor Rcpt
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

                     ONLY FROM A NEW YORKER
                         - Submitted by Bruce Neiger
                  ---------------------------------
All my life, when the Western states (Nevada, Arizona, etc) weather 
was discussed, I always heard something along the lines of , 'it's 
hot, but it's a dry heat...'
     
Last year in February, on vacation in Las Vegas, I 
commented to a lady running a gift shop that it must be 
unbearable in Las Vegas during August.  She responded that 
it was hot, yes, 110 or more in the shade at it worst, but 
that it was a dry heat....
            
Another New Yorker in my group snickered and commented:
     
"So's a blowtorch, lady".

-================-

                  THINGS TO THINK ABOUT
                    - Submitted by Mike Whalan
               ---------------------------------
1) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
   Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

2) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

3) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

4) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

5) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

6) Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?

7) Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.

8) Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't 
   Go Wrong at once.
  
9) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win,  
   you're still a rat. 

10) I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the 
    guts to bite people themselves.

11) If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain  whales?
  
12) There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.

13) It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
    
14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell
    everything you know.

15) Do unto others, then run.....................

-================-

My dog has to take these pills.  She has something wrong with her
gastrointestinal tract.

The gastrointestinal tract of a dog represents all that I find
objectionable about the species.  From the teeth that chew the toes out
of my shoes, the wet tongue that awakens me at 6:00 AM on a Saturday,
the throat which produces frantic barking when the neighbors commit the
crime of walking in their own driveway, the stomach which made room for
an entire leg of lamb on Easter when I left the room for half an hour,
to the production center which plops dog stools all over the back
yard--I don't want her gastrointestinal tract cured, I want it REMOVED.

Don't get me wrong, I am genuinely fond of my dog, the only creature in
the house who treats me with something other than contempt.  

Me:           "No one is going anywhere until the garage is cleaned up!"
Children:   "We hate you!"
Dog:          Wag wag wag.

The dog's current affliction made itself known to me one night with the
sound of a balloon being released.  I opened my eyes, half expecting to
see my dog flying around the room in circles until totally deflated.
Instead, I was treated to the olfactory equivalent of a hydrogen bomb-it
was as if our bedroom had become the staging area for Saddam Hussein's
biological warfare program.  

"Oh my God!  Get out!  Get out!"  I shouted.
"You always blame the dog," my wife mumbled.

I assumed that what the kids soon came to refer to as the dog's "butt
blasters" would pass once whatever she had eaten, roadkill or my new
suit or the couch in the basement, had found its way down the alimentary
canal and out onto my lawn.  When, after a few days, this proved not to
be the case, I took the dog to the vet and was given some pills to
administer twice a day.

The vet's instructions made the process of giving medicine to a dog
sound pretty easy:  open her mouth, pitch the tablet onto the back of
her tongue, and stroke her throat until she swallows.  

The reality is that administering a pill to a dog is like trying to give
a root canal to a great white shark.  The process starts with opening
the medicine bottle, which alerts the dog that the games are about to
begin.  She sits upright, ears cocked, lips slightly drawn back to
remind me that she has relatives in Africa who are pulling down water
buffalo.  I approach my pet with a piece of limp bologna in my hand to
disguise the existence of the capsule of anti-butt blaster medication,
making friendly "I'm not going to give you a pill" sounds.   

She doesn't buy it.  Her ears drop back flat against her skull and she
slinks to the ground, eyes cold as they dart from me to couch, gauging
the gap even as I maneuver to close it.  "Want some bologna?"  I
suggest.

At the sound of my voice she explodes into action, streaking across the
floor.  The kids lunge from the kitchen, cutting off that avenue.  She
brakes and swerves and I dive, rolling on the carpet.  I grab
fruitlessly at the air.  With a click of teeth, the bologna vanishes,
the pill bouncing away.  A lamp crashes over as I come to a stop.  

The few times I have managed to grip her by the jaws and force the
medicine down her throat, it has come firing back out as if shot from a
pellet gun.  Worse, the exertion triggers the very symptom the pills are
supposed to address, so that I am caught trying to run around the room
without BREATHING.  The children abandon me at this point, leaving me
alone with the butt blaster.  When I finally am forced to inhale, my
eyes tear so badly I can no longer see my adversary.  

Frankly, I don't think the dog WANTS to get better.  This is the same
animal who delights in rolling in dead squirrel parts, so that her fur
is imbued with a stench is so powerful every canine in the neighborhood
howls with envy.  Whenever she rattles the room with a butt blaster, her
eyes take on a radiant gleam, a "hey, that was my best one yet!"
expression which is undiminished by the fact that the rest of her family
is gagging and falling to the floor.   

My son claims to have an idea which will solve our problem.  I'm not
sure what he has in mind, but when I told him I was ready to try
anything he began assembling a pile of tools which included his
slingshot and a fifty foot garden hose.   Now he is filling water
balloons with beef bullion and talking to himself about the "end of butt
blaster as we know it."

The dog, watching from the corner, doesn't look very worried to me.  

-================-

PITY THE POPE

   A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next
to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red
lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He
opened his newspaper and started reading---a couple of minutes later he asked
the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?

  "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too
much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man".

  "Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized. "I'm
sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong---how long have you had arthritis"?

 "I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it".

-================-

After watching sales falling off for three straight months  at Kentucky
Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and  asks for a favor.

 
The Pope says, "What can I do?  "The Colonel says, "I need you to change the
daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread'  to 'Give us this day
our daily chicken'.  If you do it, I'll donate  10 Million Dollars to the
Vatican."
 

The Pope replies, "I am sorry.  That is the Lord's prayer and I can not
change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.



After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.

 

"Listen your Excellency.  I really need your help.  I'll donate $50 million
dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day
our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope
responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders.  The church could do a lot
of good with that much money.  It would help us to support many charities. 
But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the
words."

 
So the Colonel gives up again.  After two more months of terrible sales. 
The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency.  If
you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily
bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to
the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

 
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I
have some good news and I have some bad news.  The good news is that KFC is
going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."


The bishops rejoice at the news.  
Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies,


"The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
To: Humor Rcpt
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

SCARLET LETTER: Delaware has just passed a new law requiring sex
  offenders to get a special mark on their driver's licenses. People
  convicted of sex offenses will get a "Y" designation on the front of
  their license upon release from prison. On the back, in the area where
  it shows regular driving restrictions, such as the need to wear
  glasses, will be a fuller explanation. (AP) ...Remember, kids: before
  accepting a ride from a stranger, be sure to ask to see his license
  first.

DON'T DO IT: Now that everyone knows smoking is dangerous, the U.S.
  Surgeon General is turning his attention to other pressing health
  problems. Dr. David Satcher says a new surgeon general's report will
  argue that the country needs to pay more attention to suicide. "It is
  hard for many to believe that more people in this country die from
  suicide than homicide, but it is true," he proclaimed at a meeting of
  the American Society of Suicidology. The report is due in about a year
  and will include recommendations on how to improve suicide awareness.
  (Reuters) ...Surgeon General's Warning: Suicide may be dangerous to
  your health.

THERE AND BACK: The road to Hell needs work. "It'll close the whole
  town," complains Hell Chamber of Commerce President Jim Ley. "That's
  where our money comes from. It'll kill us." A bridge on the main road
  that leads to Hell, Mich., is in bad shape and the repair crew needs
  three months to fix it. "It's probably going to put a couple of us out
  of business," one shop owner conceded. (AP) ...They shouldn't worry:
  the road crew's intentions are good.

MAN'S BEST FRIEND: When an elderly couple saw their dog fall into a
  ventilation shaft, someone was there to help them. The Budapest,
  Hungary, couple watched as a man identified only as Jozsef P. came to
  their aid by lowered himself down the 20-meter shaft on a rope. The man
  then tied the rope to the dog so they could pull the animal to safety.
  The relieved couple hurried off with the dog, but didn't bother to
  throw the rope back down to Jozsef. A passerby heard his dwindling
  calls for help -- four days later. He is hospitalized in serious
  condition suffering from malnutrition and dehydration. (AFP) ..."Maybe
  the only thing worse than having to give gratitude ...is having to
  accept it." --William Faulkner (1897-1962), U.S. novelist.

-================-

                         ISN'T IT IRONIC          
                          - Submitted by Bob Castro
                 ------------------------------------  
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.  At a special ceremony,
two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into
the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.  A minute later they were
both eaten by a killer whale.
	

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen,
shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from
his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of
wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he
had merely been listening to his walkman.

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the
cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the
pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped  through a broken fence and
stampeded,  trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And the last & best.......
	
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough
postage on aletter bomb. It came back with "return to sender"
stamped on it. You guessed it,  he opened it and said a fond farewell to
his face.

-================-

              ADVICE FROM FORMER PRESIDENTS
                          - Submitted by K. Wisler
              ------------------------------------  
Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was 
walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance. 

He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says,
"George, you were always wise, what should I do?" 

Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says,
"ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER." Clinton, amazed 
that he is talking to the past President thinks he'll 
try it again. 

He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same 
request to Americas author of the Declaration of Independence and one
of its great early philosophers. "Thomas, you never had these 
kind of problems, what can I do to rally people behind me?" 

Again a voice from above answers, "WELFARE, ITS NOT 
WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER." 

After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to 
all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln
Memorial for guidance from the President who met his untimely death 
after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified.
"Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence 
in me and they no longer trust me what should I do?"

After a substantial pause Abe responds, "TAKE THE DAY OFF 
GO TO THE THEATER."

-================-

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking
at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy", replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked
Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind.", replied Tommy.
To: Humor Rcpt
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: HUMOR: Shalom's List 07/1998
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Submitted By:          Larry Young 

		Your Mail

     You just awake... your eyes are still shut
     Still cant quite focus.....still draggin your butt
     You know you need coffee......can taste that first sip
     You wait for the maker.....and put the mug to your lip

     The feeling is warm.... just what you need
     But you know you need more....and it's something to read
     The paper you say??? no...don't think so.. not it...
     It's much more exciting... you can't wait to "click"...

     You boot up your puter.......you click that icon...
     Can't keep from grinning.... you're really turned on!
     When the voice says "Welcome"...your heart skips a beat!!
     You know you're addicted....all the friends that you'll meet.

     And then you see it.......you wait with a stare....
     The mail box lights up!! "you've got mail" waiting there!!
     OH.. what a feeling!!.... you look with delight!
     You hoped you'd have mail.... and you knew you were right!!

     So you go thru the mail..... knowing this is the "Best"..
     Reading this reading that....as you go thru the rest.
     Some you give the "delete" key....others get your first click
     You know you must hurry......you gotta be quick!

     It is then that you hear it.... You can't wait to see
     Your heart gets a flutter... who's name will it be?
     And then there it is..... covering part of the screen
     The sweet little sound....Oh..you know what that means!!!

     "Quick mail check" you promised....you said in your mind.
      But you just got an IM.... and you're pressing for time!
     You know that you want to.... and respond  you will
     So you stop what you're doing.. and go for the thrill!

     You "LOL" and "BRB",  give kisses and Hugs...
     You type and send words... refilling your mug
     You give your good friend your attention and time
     So that quick little mail check... turns to hours online!

-================-

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? (Computers)

Assembler Chicken:  First it builds the road ...

C Chicken:  It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply
refer to him on the other side.

COBOL Chicken: 	0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
			IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES
			THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
			VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
			ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
			ELSE
			GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSINGc

Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't
dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully
cooked.

Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on
the other side.

G3 300 mH Chicken: It crosses twice as fast as any Pentium chicken

Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Intel Pentium Chicken: The chicken crossed 4.9999978 times.

Iomega Chicken: The chicken should have backed up before crossing.

Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server
will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets.)

Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we
do!

Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross
the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it
just bought the road.

Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can
carry it across the road in your pocket!

NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so
quiet that nobody noticed.

OS/ 8.1 HFS+ Chicken: It had much more free space to cross.

Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on
all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.

VB Chicken: USHighways! (aChicken)

Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on
running.

Windows 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses,
but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.

Windows 98 Chicken: It should have expected to cause a crash while
crossing.


				Submitted by: Stan Kegel @ fea.net

-================-

An elephant owner who was down on his luck decided he would attempt to make
some money one day. He posted a sign at the local pub that read "I will pay
anyone 10,000 dollars if they can make my elephant hop on one leg" Since he
knew this was impossible he charged every person 5 dollars per attempt.
People came from miles around, nobody could make the elephant do it. One day
a little man in a little car pulled up. He paid the elephant owner 5 dollars
and proceeded to his car where he took out a baseball bat. He walked up to
the elephant looked him dead in the eyes and then whacked the elephant in
the balls with the bat. The elephant roared and roared and sure enough
hopped on one leg.

Somewhat displaced, the elephant owner had another idea. Everyone has seen
an elephant nod his head, but never shake his head back and forth as to say
"No". So he posted a sign in the local pub saying "I will pay anyone 200,000
dollars if they can make my elephant shake his head for 10 dollars". Again,
people came from miles around but no one seemed to do it. One day, the
little man in the little car appeared again, paid the owner the 10 dollars,
then walked over to the elephant with his bat and whispered something in his
ear. Sure enough the elephant shook his head back and forth widly to the
elephant owners amazment. The owner asked the litttle man "Excuse me sir,
just how did you do that?" To this, the little man replied "Oh, I just asked
him if he remembered what I did before and asked him if he wanted me to do
it again"

-================-

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging
their right foot as the walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot
and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

To: Humor Rcpt
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

The makers of Viagra have announced a plan to use proceeds from the sale of
Viagra to finance the development of a pill for women that will make
elderly men desirable.

Also, the National Organization of Potent Men has announced a plan to
protest the distribution of Viagra.  A spokesman for the orgranization
stated "Viagra gives an impotent man the ability to sustain an erection for
up to 4 hours. This causes feelings of inadequacy, a leading cause of
impotency, in normally potent men".  The organization fears a sudden and
dramatic shift in the demographics of it's membership.

In other news, Kenneth Starr is reportedly investigating a rumor that the
Republican Party had used Bob Dole's supply of Viagra from clinical trials
to spike fast food deliveries to the Whitehouse.

The Whitehouse has confirmed a report that the entire male staff had
participated in a "blind" clinical study in which all but one individual
had received a placebo.  There was no comment as to the identity of that
individual.

				Original Humor Submitted by Rob Carl

-================-

	Down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of
their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My
great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at
Shiloh."

        "Mine," boast another, "went down with custer at the Battle of
Little Big Horn."

        "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three,
"but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in
the world."

        "What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

        "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

-================-

My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start,
but I know what the problem is."  I asked her what it was and she told
me it has water in the carburetor.

I for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but
you don't know the carburetor from the catalytic converter!"

"No, there's ~definitely~ water in the carburetor!" she insisted.

"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look.  Where is it?"

"In the lake."

-================-

                       NEW MEDICINE FOR MEN
                          - Submitted by K. Lawson
              ------------------------------------
With Viagra such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual
prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards
improving the performance of men in today's society..
Here are a few of the new ones:
                            ****

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost,
compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
Currently being tested  to see if its effects extend to noticing
new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge
to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this
drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be
continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently
undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to
turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gasesback
into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men
with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the
test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other
people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being
asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular,
Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

-================-

Jerry Seinfeld:

 ON CLOTHES

 - - - -I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why  does
moisture ruin leather?  Aren't cows outside a lot of the time?  When it's
raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in!  We're all wearing
leather! Open the door!  We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

 TRAVELING

 - - - -I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the
word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance.
And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever."  I look in the rear-view mirror, I
can read the word "ambulance" behind me.  Of course while you're reading,
you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance.  I think
they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.

 - - - -You know what I never get with the limo?  The tinted windows.
 Is that so people don't see you?  Yeah, what a better way not to  have
people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a
uniformed driver.  How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a
limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.
75 each.

 - - - -Are there keys to a plane?  Maybe that's what those delays are
sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits
up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it
again."  They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to
come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed
here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I
left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by
the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."

 - - - -You can measure distance by time.  "How far away is it?" "Oh about
20 minutes."  But it doesn't work the other way.  "When do you get off work?
" "Around 3 miles."

 DEATH

 - - - -The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the
criminals are long gone.  I guess these are people who wanted to be sketch
artists but they couldn't draw very well. "Uh, listen, Jon, forget the
sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk
you could manage to trace around it?"  How does that help them solve the
crime? They look at the thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when
he hit the pavement....the killer must have been...Jim."

 THAT'S ODD

 - - - -I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into
these huge mirrors my mother put in.  Ever heard of this interior design
principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room?
What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole
other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there."  But
the parakeet would fall for this.  I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly
right into the mirror.  And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror
is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other
parakeet?"

 - - - - Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of them
will say, "I got the front seat."  "I want the front seat."  "I called it."
And the other kid has no recourse.  "He called it, what can I do?"  If there
was a kid court of law it holds up.  "Your Honor, my client did ask for the
front seat. "The judge says, "Did he call it?" "Well, no, he didn't call it
..."  He bangs the gavel.  "Objection overruled.  He has to call it.  Case
closed."

 ON DATING:

 - - - -Dating is pressure and tension.  What is a date, really, but a job
interview that lasts all night?  The only difference between a date and a
job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll
end up naked at the end of it. "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man
for the job. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be
working with?"

 - - - -What would the world be like if people said whatever they were
thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them?  How long would a blind
date last?  About 13 seconds, I think.  "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big
."  "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway.  See you later."

 ON SEX:

 - - - -Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women,  sexually, is
that men are like firemen.  To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what
we're doing we can be ready in two minutes.  Women, on the other hand, are
like fire.  They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly
right for it to occur.

 - - - -Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements
.  If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like
sperm - all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong
direction.  "I was first." "Let me through." "You're on my tail."  "That's
my spot." They're like the Three Billion Stooges.  But the egg is very cool:
 "Well, who's it going to be?  I can divide.  I can wait a month.  I'm
 not swimming anywhere."

 THE RELATIONSHIP

 - - - -Why is commitment such a big problem for a man?  I think that for
some  reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's
with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there.
 He wants to keep driving.  And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging
, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy...Get off here, now
!" But the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles
," and he thinks, "I can make it."  Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't.
Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke
pouring out of the engine.  He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I
didn't realize how many miles I was racking up."

 - - - -The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are
all the same, so we might as well dress them that way.  That's why a wedding
is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The
tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that
men are undependable.  So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just
takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
To: Humor Rcpt
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Submitted By:             "Michael Ashley Cooper" 

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration
for the planned Windows 2000:

  1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
  2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
  3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
  4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
  5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
  6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
  7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
  8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
     game? 
  9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 
  10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. 
      Please log off." 
  11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." 
  12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 
  13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 
  14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) 
  15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 
  16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 
  17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 
  18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 
  19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) 
  20) User Error: Replace user. 
  21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" 
  22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due... 
  23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you    
      and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have     
      security? 
  24) Required Government Warning:  After we got caught in cahoots      
      with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill   
      your hard drives, the following message is now required as you  
      save your files in Word.            
      "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file 
      as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential  
      viruses.  Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file 
      as a Word file anyway?" 
  25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles   
       have been deleted.  The police are on the way.

-================-

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.  When
he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these
seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is
big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug
placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs
are big!"  The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender
where the bathroom was located.  The bartender replied,
"Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the
bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second
door.  Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the
swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush,
don't flush!"

				Submitted by: Ja Fernandez @ nampak.co.za

-================-

THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.  Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"When you breathe, you inspire.  When you do not breathe, you
expire."

"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in
a test tube"

"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon
monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
state"

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and
caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration."

" The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader

"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them
and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can
hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains
the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the
heart stops."

"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down
to make Artificial Perspiration."

"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm
above the hand instead.  Or put the head between the knees of the
nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.  If he has not
recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is
dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in
your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out
and the outsides have been taken off.  The purpose of the skeleton
is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids,
two molars,and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon.  All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal.  The older it is, the more extinct it
is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through
Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

-================-


-================-To: Humor Rcpt
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Submitted By:             "Michael Ashley Cooper" 

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration
for the planned Windows 2000:

  1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
  2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
  3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
  4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
  5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
  6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
  7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
  8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
     game? 
  9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 
  10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. 
      Please log off." 
  11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." 
  12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 
  13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 
  14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) 
  15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 
  16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 
  17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 
  18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 
  19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) 
  20) User Error: Replace user. 
  21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" 
  22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due... 
  23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you    
      and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have     
      security? 
  24) Required Government Warning:  After we got caught in cahoots      
      with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill   
      your hard drives, the following message is now required as you  
      save your files in Word.            
      "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file 
      as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential  
      viruses.  Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file 
      as a Word file anyway?" 
  25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles   
       have been deleted.  The police are on the way.

-================-

"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now"

-================-

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.  When
he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these
seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is
big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug
placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs
are big!"  The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender
where the bathroom was located.  The bartender replied,
"Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the
bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second
door.  Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the
swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush,
don't flush!"

				Submitted by: Ja Fernandez @ nampak.co.za

-================-

"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now"

-================-

THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.  Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"When you breathe, you inspire.  When you do not breathe, you
expire."

"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in
a test tube"

"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon
monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
state"

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and
caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration."

" The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader

"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them
and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can
hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains
the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the
heart stops."

"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down
to make Artificial Perspiration."

"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm
above the hand instead.  Or put the head between the knees of the
nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.  If he has not
recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is
dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in
your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out
and the outsides have been taken off.  The purpose of the skeleton
is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids,
two molars,and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon.  All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal.  The older it is, the more extinct it
is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through
Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

-================-

"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now"

-================-

A guy was stuck in a traffic jam that hadn't moved for more than half
an hour.  Looking out his car window he saw a kid on a skateboard
weaving his way towards him through the line of stranded vehicles.

"Hey son, what's the hold up?" the guy asked.

"It's some crazy lawyer," replied the kid, "He's lying in the middle
of the road and he's doused himself with petrol and is threatening to
set fire to himself. We're taking up a collection for him. Would you
like to donate mister?"

"How much have you got so far?" the guy enquired.

"Oh," said the kid, "about thirty boxes of matches and twenty-three
lighters."

To: Humor Rcpt
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Good Old Uncle Sam's Boys in Uniform! The Military

* A lot of people wonder how they came up with the design for the
  military's camouflage outfits.  Easy -- they patterned it after
  Army and Marine food.

* If you think I'm kidding about the food, ask anyone who's ever
  been in the Marines or the Army.  About the worst punishment you
  could be given while in Boot Camp was "seconds" at the Mess Hall.

* Those camouflage outfits are pretty effective though.  One solider
  fainted while in formation and they couldn't find him for 2 days.

* One recruit found that all of the uniforms he was issued fit him
  perfectly.  He began to worry that he was deformed.

* Pity the French solider who wins their Croix de Guerre these days.
  With AIDS everywhere, they can't find a General who'll make the
  award and kiss the solider during the ceremony.

* If you think it's really true that "old soldiers fade away" ask
   any of them to put on their old Army uniforms.

*  The Marine aboard ship was beyond seasick.  A Navy Corpsman
    said, "Can I get you something ?"
    The young Marine replied, "How about an island ?"

* During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was
   falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me
   say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
   The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."

-================-

My children, apparently feeling I was not receiving enough derision in my daily diet, somehow talked me into going snow skiing a few weeks ago.

Skiing, it turns out, is mostly a matter of standing in lines.  It begins at the rental counter, where men my age, their faces ravaged by the stresses of a life spent having fun every single day, dispense equipment that is so banged up one can only assume it has been cursed.  No one in their right mind would board a bus which was dented, crushed, and battered along its entire length, but we are expected to accept a pair of skis whose previous user must have skied through shrapnel.   By the time you've made your way to the front of the line, your seven layers of thermal underwear are producing enough heat to boil copper, and you'd rent a pair of two-by-fours if they'd just let you get out of there and out into the cold.

Next you buy tickets.  You congratulate yourself on picking such a short line, but apparently the woman in front of you is attempting to buy a condo.  As her haggling eats up the hours, you realize that by the time you get your turn you will qualify for the senior discount.  

Obviously overestimating the persuasive qualities of my life insurance salesman, my children assure me that I don't need a lesson in order to plummet down the side of the mountain.  "It's as easy as riding a bicycle," they claim.  Right, except when you fall off a bicycle you usually slow DOWN.  Ignoring their advice, I go over to stand around with a bunch of other novices, where I am culled from the crowd like the weakest deer in the herd.  "Never skied before?  Never?  Like, are you a total loser or what?"  Beautiful ski instructor goddesses direct me to the beginners' class, which is being taught by a ski Nazi named Lars.  

Now you are in line for the tow rope.  Fifty feet away, seasoned skiers are allowed to settle comfortably in chair lifts and sit their way up the mountain, while you, having never tried anything like this before in your entire life, are expected to snag a loop on a moving rope with your gloved hand and somehow remain upright while being dragged up the slope.  This is like boarding an airplane while it flies over your house.  After three or four tries, your arm and its socket are irreconcilable.

Even if you do manage to finally hang onto the line, the person ahead of you will splash into the snow and you will be dragged over the top of her, mumbling "Sorry... sorry" while your ski tips give her brain damage.

At the top of the bunny hill, you turn and face what appears to be a completely flat surface.  There is no danger you will gain too much speed, or any speed, from atop this miserable little peak.  Now you know what the poles are for, and you dig with all your might so you can get down to the bottom of the bunny hill and do it again.  It's like Kansas without the wheat.  

The beginner skier is taught the "snowplow."  It's an absurdly un-athletic position, your toes pointed in, knees splayed, arms waving madly in circles (I added this part on my own.)  As you creep forward in your snowplow, your children dart around you at insane speeds, singing out "hi dad!" while you try to stab them with your ski poles.   

Lars spends most of his time seeing how much he can inflate his chest and be blonde.  Occasionally he shouts out encouragement:  "Cameron you dumb stupid, you are da vorst skier in da history of da English spiking peoples!"  Lars, if you get over within ski pole distance you are going to be one perforated ski Nazi.

Because your ski bindings have been set to "Geek," whenever an attractive woman happens by, you pop out of your skis and are dumped face first into the snow.   Lars shakes his head in sympathy, displaying all the symptoms of a serious teeth whitener abuser, and the women glide over to him and arrange to have sex later that evening while laughing at how poorly you ski.

Fortunately, this whole afternoon only cost as much as a semester at Harvard, so its not as if it wasn't worth it.  Some time around lunch (the mark-ups these people put on their hamburgers make movie theater popcorn look like a real bargain) your knees give out and you hit the apres ski bar, waiting for your children to show up so you can punish them creatively.  The TV has a ballgame on and everyone in the bar is a male your age, nursing a beer and a bad attitude.  Apres awhile, you cheer up.

A guy like Lars wouldn't stand a chance in a place like this. 

-================-

Quotes From Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
................................................

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that
fool you.  He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

>From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad
to get rid of it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my
pajamas I'll never know.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute
somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as
members.

It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is
probably more than she ever did.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host
both sat down at center stage.
  Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho."
  Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."

Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?

Time wounds all heels.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me
more of you than you do!

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce
and so will my wife.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew
them like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb
does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my
disappointment when you came along.

Whatever it is,... I'm against it.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's
too dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
To: Humor Rcpt
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: HUMOR
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church.
"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleep
during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing.   What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you.  I'll be
able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific
times.  When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the
pin."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, 
the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate 
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the
pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again.  Again, the minister noticed her
dozing.  "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning
towards Mr. Jones.

"God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once
again.  "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and
continuing his sermon.

Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the 
minister didn't notice.  As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he 
made a few motions that Mr. Jones  mistook as signals to wake his wife 
again.

He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister
asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th
son?"

Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time
and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!

-================-

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from
several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines.  He had
finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southhampton, England,
there to board a train bound for a few days in London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the
train, looking for an empty seat.  The only seat unoccupied was
directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady and was being
used by her little dog. 

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and
said, "You Americans.  You are such a rude class of people. Can't you
see my little Fifi is using that seat?" 

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing
the woman with the dog in the opposite seat.

Again he asked, "Please, lady.  Can I sit there?  I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not
only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant.  Imagine!"

The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again
asked if he could please it down.  The lady said, "Not only are you
Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate."

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the
little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in
the empty seat.

An English gentleman, sitting across the aisle said, "You know, sir,
you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. 
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your autos on
the wrong side of the road.  And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong
bitch out of the goddamn window !

-================-


               MICROSOFT NUKES WASHINGTON 
                          - Submitted by A. K. Smith
              ------------------------------------

REDMOND  --World leaders reacted with stunned silence as
Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear 
test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The 
device, exploded at9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 PM EDT) today, 
was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US 
Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.


"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products 
by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates.
"Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would 
be few tears shedin the computer industry if Washington, DC 
(not Washington State) were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."


Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I 
nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained 
University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At 
first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, 
there goes the mountain bike vacation."


In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government 
would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, 
the President reversed his decision.  "We've tried sanctions 
since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, 
the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive 
engagement" with Microsoft.


Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said 
the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the 
Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only 
did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" 
in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place 
to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." 

Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products 
with rival operating systems. "I can neitherconfirm nor deny 
the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside 
of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone 
who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on
the Internet is going to get what they deserve."


The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor 
would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel 
Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat 
than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. Thymes of 
MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion."


Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway 
in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. 
"They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one 
source close to the project. The development of a delivery 
system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb 
anywhere is still a dream at the moment."


Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve 
Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry 
Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against 
Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed 
in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around 
when they drop that product a second time."


At the closing bell on the Exchange, Microsoft shares rose
12% for an all time high, while confidence dipped in the US
government (GOV), lowering its shares by 3% for one day
drop in market capitalization of $800 Billion.

-================-

Prepare yourself. I have uncovered information that may shock and
upset you.  Much like the Kennedy/Lincoln connections it has come to my
attention that George of the Jungle and Titanic are basically the same
movie.  While looking at the cultural values of films in my Lit class, I
accidently
stumbled across this exciting news. Keep in mind nothing happen in Blaine,
MN. So this is exciting!!!

- Anonymous


GEORGE: High society Ursula is engaged to the pompous, arrogant Lyle
Vandergroot but ends up in love with third class George.

TITANIC: High society Rose is engaged to the pompous, arrogant Cal
Huckley but ends up falling for third class Jack.

GEORGE:  Ursula first meets George after he saves her life.
TITANIC:  Rose first meets Jack when he saves her life.

GOEGRE: Ursula goes to thank George and ends up spending the rest of
the day with him.
TITANIC:  Rose goes to thank Jack and ends up spending the rest of
the day with him.

GEORGE:  Ursula sees George's sensitive side when he cheers up a
monkey.
TITANIC:  Rose sees Jack's sensitive side when he cheers up a little
girl.

GEORGE: Ursula starts falling for George when they first dance
together.
TITANIC: Rose starts falling for Jack when they first dance together.


GEORGE: George is invited to a high society party.
TITANIC:  Jack is invited to a high society party.

GEORGE: Ursulas mother forbids the love of Ursula/ George
TITANIC:  Rose's mother forbids the love of Jack/Rose

GEORGE: Lyle disposes of George by locking him in a cage.
TITANIC:  Cal disposes of Jack by locking him in a room.

GEORGE: Ursula gives up everything to be with George.
TITANIC:  Rose gives up everything to be with Jack.

GEORGE:  George sacrifices his body in order to save Ursula.

TITANIC:  Jack sacrifices his life in order to save Rose.

GEORGE:  George is the self-proclaimed "King of the Jungle."

TITANIC:  Jack is the self-proclaimed "King of the World"

GEORGE: Ursula wears a special necklace which reminds her of george.
TITANIC: Rose saves a special necklace which reminds her of jack.

GEORGE: rich snooty fiance mocks the natives for their knowledge of
photography and the ape for his choice of reading material, but they
turn out to know more than he does.
TITANIC: rich snooty fiance mocks his girlfriend for her knowledge of
art and her choice of reading material, but she turns out to know more than
he does.

GEORGE: George likes the feel of the wind on his face when he rides
in the limo.
TITANIC: Jack likes the feel of the wind on his face when he stands
at the bow.

GEORGE: "George just lucky i guess".
TITANIC: Jack says how lucky he is to have won the card game.

GEORGE: George doesn't have appropriate clothing for society events.
TITANIC: Jack doesn't have appropriate clothing for society events.

GEORGE: a benevolent ape helps George overcome his social
inadequacies.
TITANIC: a benevolent passenger helps Jack overcome his social
inadequacies.

GEORGE: George returns to a dangerous situation to rescue ape, who is
locked up and treated like an animal.
TITANIC: Jack returns to a dangerous situation to rescue a boy, who
had been locked up and treated like an animal.

GEORGE: Ursula is delighted to see unfamiliar forest creatures
enjoying their native songs.
TITANIC: Rose is delighted to see unfamiliar third-class creatures
enjoying their native songs.

GEORGE: George is left parentless due to a tragic mass-
transportation accident.
TITANIC: Jack is left lifeless due to a tragic mass-transportation
accident.

GEORGE: George dangles from a bridge to help a suicidal stranger.
TITANIC: Jack dangles from the bridge of a ship to help a suicidal
stranger.

GEORGE: George is a cartoon character brought to life through the
magic of movies.
TITANIC: Cal is a live person turned into a cartoon character through
the magic of movies.

-================-

The principal had a problem with some girls who were starting to use
lipstick.  When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips
on the mirrors, leaving lip prints.

Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it.  One day he
gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick. He then took them
into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to  clean the
lipstick off the mirrors.  The principle then asked the custodian, who
was present, to demontrate.

The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and
vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror.

From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.

-================-

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon, bragging to
one another about their successful sons.  The first woman
tells her friends, "My son is a priest.  When he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps in, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he
walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third woman crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever
he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."

Since the fourth woman just sips her coffee in silence, the
first three give her this  subtle, "Well...?" sort of look.

"My son is 6'2" has broad square shoulders is terribly handsome and
dresses exceptionally well. Whenever he walks into a room, women
just say 'Oh my God...'."

-================-

Presidential Answering Service
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Thank you for calling the White House. You have reached the White
House voice mail system. No one is available to take your call at
this time because the entire administration is out to lunch. 

Please follow these instructions carefully to leave your message.
When you are finished, don't hang up until the FBI finishes tracing
the call. Have a nice day.

If you are male and would like to leave a message for the president,
press 9.

If your are female and would like to  leave a message for the
president, press M-O-T-E-L-6.

To leave a message for Mrs. Clinton, press N-O-W.

If you are male and would like to leave a message for Chelsea, press
N-O-W-A-Y.

To leave a message for Buddy, press D-O-G.

To leave a message for Socks, press D-O-G-F-O-O-D.

To leave a message for Roger Clinton, press A-A.

Tol leave a message for Ted Kennedy, Press 7-A-N-D-7.

If you are from Arkansas, ask the next person who walks by to show
you which button has a 2 on in and then press it.

If you are calling with a question about affirmative action, press 3
and step to the back of the phone booth.

If you are calling to arrange a night in the Lincoln bedroom, press
D-O-L-L-A-R.

If you are calling to arrange a White House coffee, pres Y-E-N.

If you are calling to support Hillary's birth control program, press
F-R-I-G-I-D.

If you are calling leave a message for Janet Reno, press W-A-C-O.

To leave a message for the president's advisor on women's rights,
press O-J.

To leave a message for a member of Congress, press
B-I-G-D-O-N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

To leave a message for the Gore2000 campaign, press H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S.

If you wish to make a complaint, press B-I-T-E-M-E.

To speak to an operator, press o.

To speak to a slick operator, stay on the line and the president will
answer your call shortly.

-================-

                 Why Americans fail Geography classes
                          - Submitted by K. Liston
                ------------------------------------
Supposedly true Stories told by travel agents.

NOTE: If you have any great funny travels stories, send them to:
   travel@joke-of-the-day.com

 
1.  A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be 
cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
 
2.  I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. 
I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport 
information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to 
make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." 
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly 
explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in
South Africa." her response....click.
 
3.  A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles.  
She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could 
find I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it 
was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana.  She thought 
the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb
of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she
was not even embarrassed.
 
4.  A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. 
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said 
he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that 
is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. 
He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida 
is a very thin state."
 
5.  I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible 
to see England from Canada?" I said, "No."  He said "but they 
look so close on the map."
 
6.  A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was 
possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got 
into Chicago at 8:33am.  I tried to explain that Michigan was
an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the 
concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very 
fast, and she bought that!
 
7.  A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical 
description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to 
who?"  I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when 
I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage 
that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" 
After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into
it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the 
city code for Fresno, California is FAT, and that the airline 
was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
 
8.  I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I 
know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, 
which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none 
of these darn planes have numbers on them."
 
9. A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on 
one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to
Pensacola on a commuter plane.  She said, "Yea, whatever."
 
10. A business man called and had a question about the documents 
he needed in order to fly to China.  After a lengthy discussion 
about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.  "Oh no I don't, 
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. 
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times 
and every time they have accepted my American Express card."
To: Humor Rcpt
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: HUMOR
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

                  The Top 16 Signs You Put Your 
                   Kid in the Wrong Pre-School  
  
  
16> Child comes home without glasses claiming to have lost them 
    in a game of "Lord of the Flies."  
  
15> Your son thinks making hand-puppets requires a paper bag, 
    some waterpaints, and no pants.  
  
14> "OK, kids!  Gather 'round the pentagram for sing-a-long time!"  
  
13> Potty training involves a lighter, a clip and rolling papers.  
  
12> First school fund-raiser is for the Salman Rushdie fatwa 
    reward prize.  
  
11> No student has ever jumped from Mary Margaret's School for 
    the Gender Ambiguous directly into the NBA.  
  
10> Practice of "trapping and killing your lunch" not mentioned
    in brochure.  
  
 9> Leather-clad teacher announces that the letters for today 
    are S and M.  
  
 8> Two words: Full Montessori  
  
 7> The classroom hamster is really just a wad of cotton from 
    an aspirin bottle.  
  
 6> She can't say her ABC's, but she can re-sole your Nikes in 
    20 seconds flat.  
  
 5> Even the baby bottles have pierced nipples.  
  
 4> For snack time, it's always anchovies and Clamato.  
  
 3> "Do-Bee" always seems to have the munchies.  
  
 2> The teacher sends home a note reading, "Your snot-nosed 
    little bastard keeps getting into my tequila."  
  
  
       and Top5's Number 1 Sign You Put Your 
          Kid in the Wrong Pre-School...  
  
  
 1> On the first day, the children are divided into "pimps" 
    and "hos."  
  
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]

-================-

There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse.  He heard a noise, so he
looked inside.  Lo and behold, there was an Indian down in the hole.  The
cowboy said, "How long have you been down there in that awful hole?"  The
Indian replied, "Many moons."

-================-

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her
class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to
correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly
jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations said the teacher you may go home."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you."
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John
F. Kennedy".

"Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny
said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who
said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll
see you Monday."

			Submitted by: Al Schritter @ juno.com

-================-

 Some grade school teachers keep journals of amusing things their students
have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

 - The future of "I give" is "I take."
 - The parts of speech are lungs and air.
 - The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
 - A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the  population.
 - Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
 - (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
 - A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
 - The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
 - A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
 - Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
 - The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
 - The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
 - We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
 - One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
 - A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
 - One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
 - To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
 - The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
 - The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
 - Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
 - The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
 - Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
 - The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
 - In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
 - Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
 - In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
 - A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

-================-

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are
mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great
doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband
and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of
tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S
MOVING!!!!!"

-================-

Submitted By:          "Susie S. Bachman" 

1997 DARWIN NOMINEES

(# 1) Los Angeles, CA.  Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple (a pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite). They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding he needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.  While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees.  Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en route to the hospital.

(# 2) A Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion, 64, were driving along the Newell Highway near Moree, in Northwestern New South Wales, on a Wednesday night, police said.  Their car crashed into the side of a fully laden, 600 meter long train at a level crossing.  The vehicle became wedged between the second to last and last carriages and was dragged sideways beside the track as the train continued towards  Moree, a police spokeswoman said.  After being carried more than a  kilometer and a half, they approached an unfenced bridge with a 10  meter drop, the spokeswoman said.  Moments before they reached the precipice, the car was struck by a pylon, dislodged it from the train and spinning it several times.  When it came to rest, the pair managed to free themselves from the wreck with minor bruising and the man set off along the railway line for help.  But he slipped on the bridge and fell to his death, the spokeswoman said. The woman was eventually able to raise the alarm and was recovering in Moree hospital with chest injuries.

(# 3) Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards.  According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and then pulled the trigger.

(# 4) Phillipsburg, NJ.  An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it,"  the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."

(# 5) In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

(# 6) MOSCOW, Russia - A drunk security man asked a colleague, at the Moscow bank they were guarding, to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protected him against a knife attack.  It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. [Isn't it nice to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards]

(# 7) In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide.  He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck.  He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment.  He jumped and fired the pistol.  The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.

(# 8) RENTON, Washington, USA.  On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below: 

1.	The target was H & J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop. 
2.	The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed  handguns in public places. 
3.	To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door. 
4.	An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. 

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots.  The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool.  Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire.  No one else was hurt.

1997 DARWIN AWARD ~ HONORABLE MENTIONS  (I.E. Non-fatalities)

Gulf Breeze, Florida - Three unidentified teenage males were  using a home video camera to film an action/adventure  "movie" that one of  the boys had written.  In a scene that called for each character to be ignited by fire, the "special effects coordinator" (age 15), prepared the "stunt" youth by dousing lighter fluid onto his clothes.  The intentional fire, which proved unexpectedly difficult to extinguish, left the young man with third degree burns on his left arm, torso, and both legs.  But....It was all captured on film.

Bradford, PA - J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in a container, which he then handed to his wife.  She opened the container and, startled to see the snake, dropped it.  The excited and, as it turns out, poisonous, snake immediately bit Mr. Cruwe on the shin.  Mr Cruwe survived the wound and recovered after a short visit to the local emergency room.

Rural Carbon County, PA - A group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms (alcohol & firearms...always an intelligent combination) from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels, age 27.  The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr.Michaels' deck.  Determined to terminate the animal, and prove his macho worth, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail.  Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide, feet-first, approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match.  The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he'd come...though a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn.  In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air.  "There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "followed by a  loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. "I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt." said Michaels. This Guy has a career in the THAAD program.From: Boaz Fletcher 
To: Aviva Vaknin , , , , , , , , , , , , , Udi Finkelstein 
Subject: Deep Thoughts on Baking Engineers
Date: Sun, 14 Jun 1998 15:45:00 +0200

Why engineers should not write recipe books

CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

Ingredients:

1.    532.35 cm3 gluten
2.    4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.    4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.    236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.    177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.    177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.    4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.    Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.    473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.  236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two, and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until mixture is homogeneous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation.  Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm).  Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21,55) or until golden brown.

Once the reaction is completed, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
From: Boaz Fletcher 
To: Aviva Vaknin , , , , , , , , , , , , , Udi Finkelstein 
Subject: Deep Thoughts on the Collection Plate
Date: Mon, 15 Jun 1998 09:39:00 +0200

At one of the many very swank golf clubs, a young man stood in the lobby when he saw an old rabbi sitting in front of a table with a plate into which members of the golf club were supposed to drop a few coins. The old rabbi had on a shabby looking suit and a dirty collar; his beard was unkempt, and he looked like a mess.

Sitting opposite the rabbi was a very neatly dressed priest with a spotless white collar, a clean pressed suit and mirror-shined shoes. The plate in front of the priest was overflowing with bills. Everyone who walked into the club looked at the bedraggled rabbi - then turned to the priest and deliberately stopped to put a ten- or twenty-dollar bill in the priest's plate.

Unable to stand it any longer, the young fellow who was watching walked over to the rabbi and spoke softly, ""Rebbe, Ich Bin a Yid. I have been standing here for an hour. Every man who walked into this golf club this past hour, I know personally and they are all Jewish.. Yet, because you looked so bedraggled, they deliberately stopped and placed money in the priest's plate! Wouldn't you be smart if you went home, took a bath and put on some clean clothes?  Then maybe someone would leave a few dollars in your collection plate. The old rabbi put his arm around the young man and smiled warmly. Then he called over to the priest and said, ""Hershel. Look who's trying to teach us the business.""
To: Humor Rcpt
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: HUMOR
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Three guys, a Newfie, a Quebecer and an Albertan are out walking  along the
beach together one day.  They come across a lantern and a  Genie pops out
of it.

"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the Genie.
The Newfie says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was  a
fisherman and my son will be one too.  I want all the oceans full of fish
for all eternity."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, ,FOOM' the oceans were teaming with  fish.

The Quebecer was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Quebec,  so that
nothing will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's
eye, ,POOF' there was a huge wall  around Quebec.

The Albertan asks, "I'm very curious.  Please tell me more about this
wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick
and  nothing can get in or out."  The Albertan says, "Fill it up with
water."

-==================-

It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered
the posh Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic
car-maker, Henry Ford.

"Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, "we
have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile
industry."  Ford  looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the
competition  kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to
you in person."   After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside
and asked him to enter a black Edsel that was parked in front of the
building. Norman Greenberg,  the middle brother, opened the door of the
car. "Please step inside Mr. Ford."  "What!" shouted the tycoon, are you
crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!"  "It is," smiled the
youngest brother, Max," but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push the white
button." Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a 
whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the 
car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it 
was quite cool!

"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. How much do you want for the
patent?"  Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars." Then he 
paused,  "And there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg 
Brothers Air Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo."
"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a 
'Jew-name' next to my logo on my cars!"

They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. One
and one half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left
off. However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be
forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning 
system. And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle 
you will see those three names clearly defined on the 
air-conditioning control panel:

HI   NORM   MAX

-==================-

The Acme Company was trying to sell its new computerized crystal ball 
to a major marketing executive. But as expected, the executive was 
quite skeptical.
  
The Acme sales rep told the executive, "Go ahead and type a question 
into the crystal ball."
  
The executive typed, "Where is my father?"
  
The crystal ball bleeped and blooted for a short while, and then came 
back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."
  
The executive said to the sales rep, "You see? I knew this was BS. My
father's been dead for twenty years."
  
"Hmmmm. Try asking the question in a different way."
  
This time the executive typed, "Where is my mother's husband?"
  
The crystal ball came back with an answer, even more quickly this time 
than before. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. 
Your father just landed a three pound trout."

-==================-

Tips for Home Protection

The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house
by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.

 #1. Dear Mr. Butcher;
     Starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutis.
Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

 #2. Dear Mr. Milkman;
      We found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The
next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts
of your body well clear of all openings. PS. Any sign of that book we
sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats?"

 #3. Selma;
      Don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...

 #4. Dear Mr. Exterminator;
      Be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten
through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement
where all of the rats are!

 #5. To whom it may concern;
      Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal
Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when
touched. Good luck...

-==================-

		Diary Of A Mad Viagra Housewife:
   
    Dear Diary:

    Day 1
    Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to
    celebrate.  When it came time to reenact our wedding night, HE locked
    himself in the bathroom and cried.

    Day 2
    Today he says he has a big secret to tell me.  He's impotent, he
    says, and he wants me to be the first to know.  Why doesn't he tell me
    something I DON'T know!  I mean, gimme a break.  He's been
    dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.

    Day 3
    This marriage is in trouble.  A woman has needs.  Yesterday, I saw a
    picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

    Day 4
    A miracle has happened!  There's a new drug on the market that will
    fix  his "problem."  It's called Viagra.  I told him that if he takes
    Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night.  He
    said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us."

    Day 5
    I think this will work. I replaced his Prosaic with the Viagra, hoping
    to lift something other than his mood.

    Day 7
    This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended). Yesterday,
     at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought
     they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is
     about you!

    Day 8
    I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of
    mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.

    Day 10
    Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much.
    And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard
    Cider!
    The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do?

    Day 11
    The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning
    blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he
    thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.

    Day 12
    I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black
    and Decker.

    Day 13
    I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying
    "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!

    Day 14
    Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my
    eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a cruse
    missle.  Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.

    Day 15
    I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even
    started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his
    motor.

    Day 16
    I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to:
    stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket.

-==================-

Submitted By:          "Pallavi Guniganti" 

18 Ways To Annoy The Person Sitting Next To You On a Flight

1. Find common interests. Ask, "Are you in the Witness Protection
Program too?"

2. Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms
were out-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that
peanuts are a natural diuretic?" Smile.

3. Call the stewardess "nurse".

4. Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into
a hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I
was not able to command my own personal plane but success shall
still be ours...."

5. Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"

6. Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice
weather we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather."

7. Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that
never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people
started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue
singing it forever justbecause, this is the song that never
ends...." Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become
very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it
to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash
around in the seat. Never stop singing.

8. Continually offer to share your "Beano".

9. Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a
"Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of
you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.

10. Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the
pilot would mind going back so you can check.

11. Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on
your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return
key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't
need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play DOOM.

12. Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls,
construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft
likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F".

13. There is no 13. Some think it is an unlucky number. Try taking
a bus instead and annoy the passengers there.

14. Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album
and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your
jacket and say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that
when you take a person's photograph...you own their soul...,"
while smiling maniacally.

15. Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much
clearer up here...."

16. Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent. Call the person
"mate". Tell them you're not used to seeing the sky, since you are
from "Down Under". Keep repeating quotes from "Crocodile Dundee,"
such as "That's not a knife! That's a knife!", until they are forced
to yell at you that you are not Australian. Call them prejudiced.

17. Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every
single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all
incorrectly. "?My, youhave a very irate home,' she said governessly."

18. Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and
exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?"

-==================-

On a hot summer's day a country boy is pulling a wagon load of manure
down a country two lane road in rural Alabama.  The local sheriff
(Bubba) pulls him over and starts to write him a citation.  As the
sheriff is standing next to the old boy's pickup some of the flies
accompanying the manure wagon start to buzz him.  He swats at the
flies and cusses them "damn flies."  The country boy speaks up and
says "Them's circle flies...we calls 'em that cause back home on the
farm they's always circling the horses ass."

"Boy, are you calling me a horse's ass?" says the angered Bubba.

The country boy replied "No sir, but you can't fool them flies." 
To: Humor Rcpt
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: HUMOR
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

[This is a little crude, but still rather funny -ed.]

Bathroom graffiti - 01
-----------------------------
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Bathroom graffiti - 02
-----------------------------
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

Bathroom graffiti - 03
-----------------------------
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls.

Bathroom graffiti - 04
-----------------------------
(Written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line,...
the Hillsboro Fire Department want's you.

Bathroom graffiti - 05
-----------------------------
(Sign posted in a bathroom)
We aim to please!
You aim too! Please!

Bathroom graffiti - 06
-----------------------------
(Seen above a urinal)
Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!

Bathroom graffiti - 07
-----------------------------
Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were
these words: "Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."

Bathroom graffiti - 08
-----------------------------
(On the inside of a toilet door)
Patrons are requested to remain seated
throughout the entire performance

Bathroom graffiti - 09
-----------------------------
"$1.49 - All You Can Eat" (with an arrow pointing down into the
toilet)

Bathroom graffiti - 10
-----------------------------
(A sign I saw at a swimming pool once)
We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool!

Bathroom graffiti - 11
-----------------------------
(Another sign seen at a swimming pool)
Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no P in it.
Please keep it that way.

Bathroom graffiti - 12
-----------------------------
(In the men's room at a Burger King restaurant)
It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good food into shit.
It only takes Burger King 10 minutes.

Bathroom graffiti - 13
-----------------------------
(Sign seen at a restaurant)
The hands that clean these toilets also make your
food......... please aim properly.

Bathroom graffiti - 14
-----------------------------
(Here's one seen above a urinal)
look up
look up
[even higher on the wall]
keep looking up
[on the ceiling]
Quick! Look down! You're pissing on your shoes!

Bathroom graffiti - 15
-----------------------------
(Written above a urinal)
Why are you looking up here ? Are you ashamed of it?

Bathroom graffiti - 16
-----------------------------
Some people come here
to take a shit, I come here to leave one.

Bathroom graffiti - 17
-------------------------------
Here I sit so broken hearted
Tried to shit but only farted
how much longer must I linger
before I have to use my finger

-==================-

                       ARE YOU NORMAL (Part I)
                          - Submitted by Tom Zickenberg
              ------------------------------------
            Facts about Americans. Did you know that...

NOTE: We have no idea as to how they collected this data.
That would be a great story by itself
AND don't forget that when you are reading this
90% of people say that they sometimes lie.

-----------------
AROUND THE HOUSE
-----------------
* 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.  
* Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their 
  husbands to do it correctly.
* 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.  
* 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear. 
* 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
* The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
* 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. (Is there a correlation????)

---------
HABITS
---------
* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
* 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order 
  with singles  leading up to higher denominations.
* 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to 
  avoid the high prices of snack foods.
* 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.
* 17% have been caught by the host.
* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants. 
* 29% of us ignore RSVP.
* 35% give to charity at least once a month.
* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.

------
FOOD
------
* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
* When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton. 
* Snickers is the most popular candy.
* 22% of us skip lunch daily.
* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
* 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries. 
* 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

---------
HYGIENE
---------
* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink. 
* Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side. 
* Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
* 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on. 
* 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
* 33% of women lie about their weight. 
* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
    (I thought that was preferred Trident gum)
* The average girl starts her period at age 12.
* 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
* 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
* 23.5% admit they don't always flush.
* 45.2% pee in the shower.
* 44.9% pee in the ocean.
* 28.1% pee in the pool.
* 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after 
  they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. 

-==================-

                          ARE YOU NORMAL - PART II
                            - Submitted by Tom Zickenberg
              ------------------------------------
             Facts about Americans. Did you know that...

And here is PART II of ARE YOU NORMAL - A survey done of Americans,
about their habits and actions.
And as we commented yesterday, don't forget - 90% of the respondents
have said that they have lied in their life. So it's up
to you to figure out if there are telling the truth or not.

--------
DRIVING
--------
* 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
   (and probably 4 out of 5 can't sing for beans either)
* 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
* 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
   (This is hard to believe - Get on a highway and go the exact
    speed limit. Are 45% of the people not passing you - I doubt it)
* 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
* 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
* 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
* 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
   (Hint from Jokemaster: When this happens, accelerate while 
    simultaneously touching your brake - just enough so the break 
    light goes on - scaring the crap out of the guy behing you)
    
-----------------------------
WHAT WE SHOULDN'T BE DOING
-----------------------------
 13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.
 91% of us lie regularly.
 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

--------------
RELIGION 
--------------
* 90% believe in divine retribution.
* 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
    (That's one Commandment per person on average)
* 82% believe in an afterlife.
* 45% believe in ghosts. 
* 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. (Not Counting Casper)
* 49% believe in ESP.

--------------
DAILY LIVING
--------------
* 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
* 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
* 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
* 59% of us say we're average-looking.
* Less than 10% are trilingual.
* 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
* 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
* 44% reuse tinfoil.
* 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
* 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken
   credit for doing it from scratch.
* 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
* 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
* 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
* On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
* 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

----------
LOVE & SEX
----------
* 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
* Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
* 29% of us are virgins when we marry.
   (How many claim they are?)
* The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.
* Men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's 4".
* 56% of men have had sex at work.
* 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.
* Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.
* 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
* 6% propose over the phone.  (Guys get a clue)
    (And what percent said yes?)

-==================-

An Open Letter To All Spammers:

Dear Spammer,

By now, with all the media coverage, you may have realized that many
people are irritated by your activities.  But if you thought it ended
at mere irritation, you haven't thought it through.

Irritation is a form of stress, and as has been medically proven,
stress kills.  Ahah, you say, but your unsolicited commercial e-mail
hasn't killed anyone yet.  Perhaps it has...

Through an interesting legal doctrine, the spam itself doesn't have to
kill, it just has to begin a chain of events that result in death.  Say
you were driving drunk and hit another car.  The driver of that car is
put in an ambulance and rushed to the hospital, but on the way to the
hospital the ambulance is struck by lightning and explodes, killing the
passenger.  You could still be convicted of his death.  Why?  But for
your illegal act of driving while intoxicated, that person would have
most likely made it home safe.  Your reckless and selfish actions
resulted in that person having to be in that ambulance and thus you are
responsible for their death.

Now let's look at your spam... it aggravates a man who then snaps at
his wife over an insignificant thing.  They get in a fight.  He leaves
the house, goes to a bar, has a few drinks... On his way home he gets
into an accident, killing himself and the driver of the other car.
But for your spam, he might have been in a better mood and wouldn't
have fought with his wife, but no... your reckless and selfish actions
resulted in the death of TWO people.  You sick, shameless bastard!

Thus when you -- with full premeditation and knowledge of the potential
consequences -- send out a bulk unsolicited commercial e-mailing to
millions of people, you are in effect committing attempted murder by a
single individual on a mass scale heretofore unknown in the history of
the world.

Another interesting legal doctrine is that you may use as much force in
the defense of the life of another from an attacker as you would to
defend your own.  That means that not just everyone with an e-mail
address may kill you in self defense, but everyone in the world may
kill you to defend the rest of us before your spamming has the chance
to take another life.

Please, save your own life as well as the lives of countless others.
Don't spam... or we'll kill you.

With love from your pal,

Greg Bulmash

-==================-

A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at
the Pearly Gates.

"Show me what you got, Pete," said the Texan. St. Peter swung open
the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains,
rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.

"We've got that in Texas.  We call it Supreme Ranch" said Texan
St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children
frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging,
swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.

"We've got that, too.  We call it Six Flags."

Where upon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell
and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of
flame sweeping over the entire area.  The blinding light and
heat were enormous.

"We don't have that," said the Texan, "but we've got a guy in
Houston who can put it out."

-==================-

MILE HIGH AIRLINES: South African Airways is asking police to charge two
  of its passengers with public indecency, the airline announced. A
  couple on a flight from London to Johannesburg was not concerned with
  who saw what they were doing, the airline says. "It was the most
  callous display of lust I have ever seen," said one. "I could
  understand it if they covered themselves with a blanket, but no: it was
  wham, bam, right there in the seat, in the missionary position," her
  husband confirmed. The couple only stopped when the captain stepped
  into the passenger cabin and told them that his airplane was "not a
  shag house". (Reuters) ...Unless, of course, they pay full first class
  fares.

MILLION MILE HIGH CLUB: With hopes of sending astronauts on a mission to
  Mars, which will take about three years, NASA is finally coming to
  grips with the possibility that ...gasp!... a mixed crew of astronauts
  might, perhaps, someday, maybe, engage in space sex. However, a veteran
  Russian cosmonaut urges NASA to assign a crew without women to remove
  the temptation. "A young guy could hold out three years without women,
  then when he got back to Earth all women would love him," Musa Manarov,
  who has spent a total of a year and a half in space, claims. He adds
  it's easier to go without women in space than on Earth. "On Earth you
  see advertisements, television, someone going by. You'd go out of your
  mind, say, two years without women." But having a woman on a space
  mission would make such self-control impossible, he says. "It's like a
  weapon that could misfire. But if you didn't have the weapon at all it
  just won't go off." (Reuters) ...NASA is realistic enough to know the
  astronauts' weapons will be going off whether women are there or not.

OPERATION SALAD DRESSING: Researchers at the Pacific Northwest National
  Laboratory looking for a safe way to destroy more than 500,000 tons of
  surplus military explosives think they may have found the solution:
  spinach. The "good-for-you" veggie contains an enzyme, nitroeductase,
  which, when mixed with water and a buffer solution, has the ability to
  safely "eat" explosives such as TNT. The Department of Defense is
  providing $1 million to study the "environmentally benign digestion
  process", which should take about three years. (UPI) ...There goes the
  military wasting time and money again. Popeye showed that spinach could
  neutralize high explosives decades ago.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER: When two
  fishermen from Puglia, Italy, found a hand grenade, they didn't turn it
  over to authorities, they took it fishing. And when they saw some
  bubbles coming from the deep, they tossed the grenade in the water
  "hoping to stun fish". The bubbles weren't coming from fish, but from
  Teodoro Zuccaro's scuba tank. The blast killed the 43-year-old diver.
  The two fishermen have been charged with manslaughter, detonating an
  explosive, and poaching. (AP) ...Of course poaching: divers aren't in
  season yet.

From: Boaz Fletcher 
To: Aviva Vaknin , , , , , , , , , , , , , Udi Finkelstein 
Subject: Deep Thoughts on Clean Living
Date: Sun, 28 Jun 1998 10:23:00 +0200

Some rules to live by.

1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.

2. If your computer says, ""Printer out of Paper,"" this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the ""OK"" button.

3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source.  Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.

4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.

5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.

6. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.

7. When the PC says, ""Insert diskette #2,"" don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.

8. When your PC says ""You have mail,"" don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.

9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French.

10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.

11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.
To: Humor Rcpt
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: HUMOR
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Question: Why is it called a "hamburger" if it doesn't contain ham?

Answer: At first glance, it seems that the word "hamburger" is a combination of the words "ham" and "burger." Therefore, one naturally assumes that a hamburger is a burger that contains ham.

But the word "hamburger" actually traces its roots back to Hamburg Germany, where people used to eat a similar food called the "Hamburg steak." Eventually, the Hamburg steak made its way to the United States, where people shortened its name to "hamburger."

-==================-

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his 
breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there 
is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the 
morning?" 

"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

-==================-

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally 
swallowed his glass eye. 
He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot 
about it. 
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, 
undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he 
looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him. 
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me." 

-==================-

A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be
stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a
year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he
wrote her a letter.

" My love," he wrote " we are going to be apart for a very long time.
Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in
the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive
native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not
tempted? "

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play
this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife.
"Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make
passionate love!"

"Not so fast," she replies.  "First let's see you play that harmonica!"

-==================-

If Men Were in Charge of Weddings.....

There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.
Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.
They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not..  Tuxes
would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have
matching team colors..

June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.  Vows
would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking
all others" part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some
other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car.
Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old)
would get punched in the head..

Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man". 

There would be "Tailgate Receptions". 

Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or
between innings.

Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long. 

Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of
the bachelor party.  The cost of strippers and liquor really do add up.

Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear?  The burgundy or the
wine colored napkins?"  They'd just grab extras from their local pub
or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars.  Better yet, free drink
passes at the local lounge.

The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted
to her ass.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast
or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.

No one would bother with that "Veil Routine".  But they would insist
that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go. 

The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding
(what's the difference) or something.

Invitations would read as follows...
Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain... 
He's getting married. He either:
 	A) knocked her up
 	B) couldn't get a different roommate or 
 	C) caved in to her ultimatum..

Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him 
For the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium
On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game
Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game For Beer, Nachos
and Pizza.   
Oh yeah... BYOB.. 
From: Boaz Fletcher 
To: Aviva Vaknin , , , , , , , , , , , , , Udi Finkelstein 
Subject: Deep Thoughts on Telling Us Apart
Date: Wed, 01 Jul 1998 10:30:00 +0200

(this joke uses a naughty word many times)


  A Short Guide to Comparative Religions
  --------------------------------------
 
Taoism            Shit happens.
Buddhism          If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam             If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism     Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Hinduism          This shit happened before.
Catholicism       Shit happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna      Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism   Send more shit.
Atheism           No shit.
Jehova's Witness  Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism          There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism       Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism    What is shit anyway?
Stoicism          This shit doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianism    Let's smoke this shit.
Judaism           Why does this shit always happen to us?
To: Humor Rcpt
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: HUMOR
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is
pulled over by a cop.

Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning.
You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.

That's fine.  Another thing, ma'am.  I don't like the way that one rein
loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls.  I consider that
animal abuse.  That's cruelty to animals.  Have your husband take care of
that right away!

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter
with the cop.  Well, dear, what exactly did he say?

He said the reflector is broken.

I can fix that in two minutes.  What else?

I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...

-==================-

In eighteenth century America, the Spanish dollar was a
popular coin. It was made out of silver and was so large
that people often cut it into smaller pieces, or "bits."
Each bit was one-eighth of the original coin and was
therefore worth 12.5 cents. Later, when the American
quarter came into use, it was said to be worth "two bits."

-==================-

Did you hear about the man who called the doctor and said excitedly,
"My pregnant wife's contractions are only two minutes apart!"
The doctor asked, "Is this her first child?"
"No, you idiot!" exclaimed the man. "This is her HUSBAND."

-==================-



During the big DUI Dragnet, a Highway Patrolman waited outside a
popular local bar, hoping for a bust.  At closing time as everyone
came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.  He
stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his
car.  After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own
vehicle.

He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left.  He
turned his lights on, then off, wipers on then off.  He started to
pull forward into the grass, then stopped.  Finally when he was the
last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the
man over.  He administered the breathalizer test, and to his great
suprise the man blew a 0.00!  The Patrolman was dumbfounded!

"This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the Patrolman.  "I doubt
it," said the drunk, "tonight I'm the Designated Decoy!"

-==================-

Top 50 OXYMORONS:

           50.    Act naturally
           49.    Found missing
           48.    Resident alien
           47.    Advanced BASIC
           46.    Genuine imitation
           45.    Airline Food
           44.    Good grief
           43.    Same difference
           42.    Almost exactly
           41.    Government organization
           40.    Sanitary landfill
           39.    Alone together
           38.    Legally drunk
           37.    Silent scream
           36.    British fashion
           35.    Living dead
           34.    Small crowd
           33.    Business ethics
           32.    Soft rock
           31.    Butt Head
           30.    Military Intelligence
           29.    Software documentation
           28.    New York culture
           27.    New classic
           26.    Sweet sorrow
           25.    Childproof
           24.    "Now, then ..."
           23.    Synthetic natural gas
           22.    Christian Scientists
           21.    Passive aggression
           20.    Taped live
           19.    Clearly misunderstood
           18.    Peace force
           17.    Extinct Life
           16.    Temporary tax increase
           15.    Computer jock
           14.    Plastic glasses
           13.    Terribly pleased
           12.    Computer security
           11.    Political science
           10.    Tight slacks
           9.     Definite maybe
           8.     Pretty ugly
           7.     Twelve-ounce pound cake
           6.     Diet ice cream
           5.     Rap music
           4.     Working vacation
           3.     Exact estimate
           2.     Religious tolerance
           1.     Microsoft Works

-==================-

A couple were sitting in the living room watching TV when the phone rang.
The husband picked it up, listened for a minute then screamed, "How the
hell would I know? Call the weather bureau!"

As he stomped back to his chair his wife asked, "What was that all about?"

He replied, "Aw, it was just some dumb dork wanting to know if the coast
was clear."

-==================-

BUMPER BLABBER: Wrentham District Court Judge Daniel Winslow wanted to
  try out a new punishment on himself before he imposed the sentence on
  convicted drunk drivers, so he plastered two bright orange stickers on
  the back of his car: one said "convicted repeat drunk driver", the
  other urged others to report "erratic driving" to police. "The idea is
  to remove the mask of anonymity from driving a car and expose one's
  driving to 1,000 eyes," Winslow said. The Massachusetts judge ruled the
  experiment a success, saying he got a lot of concerned looks when he
  drove around town, but no threats or intimidation. He hasn't used the
  punishment yet, but said he won't hesitate to apply it in an
  appropriate case. (AP) ...The best part: his teenager stopped asking to
  borrow the car.

SNIFF: When a police officer found an envelope in Michael Horne's truck,
  a field test showed it contained methamphetamine and he was arrested.
  The San Antonio, Texas, officers would not believe Horne when he said
  the contents were his grandmother's ashes from her cremation. He waited
  in jail for a month while more sophisticated tests showed they were
  indeed not speed, but grandma. "Nobody would believe the poor guy no
  matter how much he screamed and shouted," said Luis Vera, Horne's
  attorney, who has filed a lawsuit against the city. "You can tell this
  is ashes when you look at it." And, he was quick to add, "Grandma
  wasn't a doper." (Reuters) ...Soon to be the title of a Country Western
  ballad.

-==================-

* A bus station is where a bus stops. 
  A train station is where a train stops.  
  On my desk I have a work station...

* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

* If quitters never win, and winners never quit,
   what fool came up with,
 "Quit while you're ahead"?

* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

* I was thinking that women should put pictures of 
  missing husbands on beer cans.

* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole 
  lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . 
  they were cramming for their finals.

* Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified   in case of an emergency.  
  I think you should write . . . A Very Good Doctor.

* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?  
  What are we supposed to do . . . become Pen Pals to these men ?

-==================-

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
Bad Golfer:  "Whack!"  "Shit!"
Bad Skydiver:  "Shit!!"  "Whack!!"

-==================-

For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not
always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how implausible,
are still the facts ...

A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:

"This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you
for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a
fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert
after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every
night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice
cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's
also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my
trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy
vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't
start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just
fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter
how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not
start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get
any other kind?'"

The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter,
but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised
to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine
neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time,
so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It
was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came
back to the car, it wouldn't start.

The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the
man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got
strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla.
The car failed to start.

Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this
man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore,
to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the
problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down
all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back
and forth, etc.

In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy
vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of
the store.

Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at
the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were
kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took
considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out.

Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start
when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the
vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer:
vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to
get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to
start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the
vapor lock to dissipate.

Moral of the story: even insane-looking problems are sometimes real.


To: Humor Rcpt
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Weekly Humor Hit 12/7/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4 
year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole 
event.  
The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining 
the birds and bees.  No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, 
and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,  
"Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf 
going when he hit that cow?"

-==================-

Why is a jeep called a "jeep?"

The Answer:

The early jeep had the letters "GP" painted on its side,
which stood for "general purpose." This lead people to call
it a "jeepee." Later, the nickname was shorted to "jeep."

(Source: "Ever Wonder Why" by Douglas Smith)

-==================-

A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little
late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some
even look a little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room.

"What's the matter" he asked

"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news"

"What's the bad news?"

"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test
site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is
warning them both that this could lead to regional war -- that may go
nuclear."

"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"

"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra"

-==================-

The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and 
asked if she might have the sentence "If you can read this, 
you're too damned close" embroidered on her panties and bra.

"Yes madam," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could 
be done. Would you prefer block or script letters ?"

"Braille," she replied.

-==================-

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...

They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

-==================-

                      HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT
                          - Submitted by Rich Rumsey
              ------------------------------------
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a
junior high school.  He spent the first few weeks of his 
retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.  The very next afternoon three
young boys full of youthful after-school enthusiasm came down 
his street beating merrily on every trash can they encountered.  
The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the 
wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
     
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists 
as they banged their way down the street.  Stopping them, he said, 
"You kids are a lot of fun.  I like to see you express your 
exuberance like that. I used to do the same thing when I was your 
age.  Will you do me a favor?  I'll give you each a dollar if 
you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
     
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the
trash cans.A few days later, the wily retiree approached them 
again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look" he said.
"I haven't received my Social Security (Pension) check yet, 
so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents.  
Will that be okay?"
     
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed.  "If you think
we're going to waste our time beating these cans around 
for a quarter, you're nuts!  No way, mister.  We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity 
for the rest of his days.

-==================-

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on
his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming
as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with
Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over,
shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump
through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul
made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the
balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

-==================-

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi- stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up,he put his suitcase in it and got in himself.  As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?''

Doyle was flabbergasted.  He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.  The driver said: "No Sir, I have never seen you before.'' The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle.  The driver replied: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles.  This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to.  Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation.  The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle said: "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to
my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing,'' the driver said.

"What is that?''

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase.''

To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 14/7/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

First grade class comes in from recess.
Teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?"
Alice says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says "that's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write
'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.
Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.
Billy says, "I played with Alice in sand box."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on blackboard, I'll
give you a fresh baked cookie."
Billy does, and gets a cookie.
Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial
discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial
discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

-==================-

What does OK stand for?

The Answer:

Originally OK stood for "oll korrect," a comical way of
saying "all correct."

It seems that newspaper writers in the 1830s got a real
kick out of making up silly initials. Similar initials
included KY for "know yuse" (meaning "no use") and KG "know
go" (meaning "no go"). Most of these initials didn't last,
but OK did because it was so handy in conversation.

In 1840, President Martin Van Buren made OK even more
popular by using it in his failed re-election campaign. He
called himself OK, explaining that in his case OK meant
"Old Kinderhook," a reference to his hometown in New York.
Van Buren's opponents said that he really was OK, "Orfully
Konfused."

By the end of the campaign, everyone called Van Buren OK
for their own reason, making OK very popular initials.
Eventually, people forgot what OK stood for, but they knew
that it was a sign of approval and kept using it.

(Source: "Know it All" by Ed Zotti)

-==================-

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am 
Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"

-==================-

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.  The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking.  Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life.  First, I overslept and late to an important meeting.  My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

-==================-

All babies start out with the same number of raw cells 
which, over nine months, develop into a complete female 
baby.  The problem occurs when cells are instructed by 
the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.  

Because there are only so many cells to go around, the 
cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs 
have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in
the female.  Recent tests have shown that these cells are 
removed from the communications center of the brain, 
migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual 
organs.  If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a 
full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few 
cards short, so to speak.  And some of their cards are in 
their shorts.  This difference between the male and female 
brain manifests itself in various ways.
 
Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to 
read.  Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing 
a bucket over their heads and running into walls.  Little girls 
will think about doing things before taking any action.  Little 
boys will just punch or kick something and will look 
surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their 
little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. 
This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until 
puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble 
really begins.  
 
After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains 
differ, but the center of thought also differs.  Women think 
with their heads.  Male thoughts often originate lower in their 
bodies where their ex-brain cells reside.  Of course, the size 
of this problem varies from man to man.  In some men only 
a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with 
nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, 
sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as 
"Republicans."  Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation.  
These men are medically referred to as  "Democrats."  A
small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to 
their groins.  These men are usually referred to as.....
"Mr. President."

To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits ??/7/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

[ed: Most of the people on this list probably know this, but - here it is anyway]

Why are the keyboard's letters arranged so awkwardly?

The Answer:

Anyone who has ever tried to learn how to touch-type must
have wondered about this. Why, for example, does the word
"the," which is one of the most used words in the English
language, require the use of three different fingers and
both hands?

The answer is that the keyboard was arranged awkwardly on
purpose. As you know, before the advent of computers,
keyboards were used on typewriters. If a series of keys
were pressed too quickly, on the old typewriters, the
keys would jam. So engineers got together and "conspired"
to make it harder for typists to press the keys too
quickly, and thus the modern keyboard was born.

-==================-

What does S O S stand for?

The Answer:

Believe it or not, S O S, the international distress
signal, doesn't stand for anything. Some people think that
it stands for "Save Our Ship" or "Save Our Souls," but it's
just not true. Those famous three letters don't stand for a
thing. In fact, they were only chosen to indicate distress
because they're easy to communicate in Morse code: three
dots, three dashes, three dots.

(Source: "Knowledge in a Nutshell" by Charles Reichblum)

-==================-

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself
greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over,
shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer. 
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old." 
"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

-==================-

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two  'gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.

And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

-==================-

One day Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat talking. They get to talking
about the old days and they decide to test their own powers.

Moses goes first. He stands up in the boat and spreads his arms and the
water parts around them and before they know it they're sitting on the
bottom of the lake. He lowers his arms and the water returns to normal.

It's Jesus' turn now. He stands up and is about to step onto the water,
but when he tries he sinks right to the bottom. When he finally crawls back
in the boat, Moses asks him what happened.

Jesus replies, "I forgot about these damn holes in my feet."

-==================-

DON'T WAIT FOR THE MOVIE: The book is not dead in America. A new Harris
  Poll finds that Americans' preferred activity during their average of
  20 hours per week of leisure time is reading, chosen by 30 percent as
  their number-one time-off activity, with watching TV coming in second
  at 21 percent. Unfortunately, spending time with family was noted by
  only 13 percent. (Reuters) ...Tragically, they're mostly reading books
  about what's wrong with the modern American family.

-==================-

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." 

-==================-

Why are people of noble decent called "bluebloods?"

The Answer:

The word "blueblood" traces its origins back to the eighth
century. At the time, the Moors ruled large parts of
southern Europe, including Spain. The Spanish, who
originally had milky complexions, began to intermarry with
the Moors, producing the darker skinned Spanish people we
see today.

Among the Spanish aristocracy, however, many didn't
associate with the Moors. Instead they secluded themselves
in the mountains of Castile, deliberately avoiding the sun
in order to set themselves apart from the foreign invaders.
As a result, these aristocrats had such pale skin that
their veins were visible. And, since veins seem to carry
blue blood when they're seen though skin, these aristocrats
became known as "bluebloods."

-==================-

On the day before Halloween, a lawyer from Little Rock, Arkansas, 
decided to file a federal class action suit to stop public schools 
from observing the "rites and customs and practices of the religion 
of Satan on its annual high unholy day." The case is listed as:

Forbes, All Christian Children, Their Parents, Taxpayers of 
Arkansas, Jesus Christ, Lord, Savior, Best Friend, Master, King of 
Kings & Rightful Sovereign vs. Department of Education, School 
District, School Board, High Priests of Secular Humanism, Communist 
Party USA, Church of Satan, the Anti-Christs, Satan, the God of 
this World System

Everyone thought it was going to be an uncontested lawsuit until, 
surprisingly, Satan filed a motion to dismiss the suit. Another 
Little Rock lawyer, John Wesley Hall, playing the devil's advocate, 
claimed that Satan couldn't be sued because he lacked sufficient 
"minimum contacts" with the state of Arkansas to allow a suit in a 
federal court. In this case, "minimun contacts" meant that Satan 
had never transacted business, owned property, written contracts, 
or filed any other lawsuit in Arkansas. The case was dismissed. 

-==================-

Why do pilots say "mayday" when they're in trouble?

The Answer:

You see it in movies all the time. A plane has some
technical trouble and starts to nosedive, so the pilot
grabs the radio and shouts "Mayday! Mayday!" leaving the
audience wondering what the month of May has to do with the
plane's predicament.

Actually, the word "mayday" has nothing to do with the
month of May. Instead, it comes from the French word
"m'aidez," which means "help me," an appropriate thing to
say when your plane nosedives.

(Source: The American Heritage Dictionary)

-==================-

A Blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly
that day.  As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to
instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
 He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and
sent her on her way.
 Who Said Blondes Can't Fly, she thought to herself. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great!  I love it!  The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
 After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to
fly.
 The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to
worry that she hadn't radioed in.
 A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a
mile away.  He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.  When he asked
what happened, she said:  "I don't know!  Everything was going fine, but
as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.  I can't remember anything
after I turned off the big fan."
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 26/07/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink. A few minutes later, he 
says to no one in particular... "All lawyers are assholes."
The fellow next to him lit into him. "How dare you just stereotypically
categorize all lawyers as assholes! How have you missed that it's just
not okay to cast aspersions on an entire group of people? You just try
saying something like that about any other group of people and you'd 
get slugged. And you should! If you weren't such a jerk, I'd pour my 
drink all over you, but you're not worth the cost of my drink."
The fellow was properly abashed, and apologized. "Look, I'm really
sorry, I didn't mean to offend you," he says, "By the way, what kind of
lawyer are you?"
"Lawyer? I'm no lawyer, you idiot. I'm an asshole!"

-==================-

SO FUN, YOU'LL WET YOURSELF: Prolume, Ltd., of Pittsburgh, Penn., has
  cloned the genes of glowing sea creatures to create an inexhaustible
  supply of glow-in-the-dark proteins. There are some medical
  applications for them, but their first product will be the
  "Splashlight" -- squirt guns which shoot bioluminescent jets of liquid
  for nighttime water wars. Meanwhile, to diffuse workplace tension,
  reports a toy industry newsletter, more and more toys are appearing in
  offices around the country for stressed workers to play with. One
  favorite toy being there seen more: squirt guns. (Reuters, AP) ...Yes,
  seeing someone pull a gun out of their briefcase at the office is a
  sure tension breaker. Especially at the Post Office.

CAN YOU BEAT THAT? Shard Tappan, 28, was escaping the heat in Mt.
  Clemens, Mich., in an apartment swimming pool. He and friends decided
  to have a contest to see who could hold their breath the longest.
  Tappan won. After five minutes at the bottom of the pool, the friends
  pulled him out and started CPR. He was pronounced dead on arrival at a
  hospital. (UPI) ..."Everyone is subject to the laws of Darwinism
  whether or not they believe in them, agree with them, or accept them.
  There is no trial, no jury, no argument, and no appeal." --Posting on
  the Internet.

-==================-

Pilot:  November 123 on a very short final, understand I'm cleared to land ?
Tower:  Oh, who's talking ?
Pilot:  Me

Radar:  Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees
Pilot:  Roger, but we are at 35.000 feet, how much noise can we
        make up here ?
Radar:  Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits
        a 727 ?

Radar:  CRX 500, are you on a course to SUL ?
Pilot:  More or less
Radar:  So proceed a little bit more to SUL

Tower:  N2234, are you a Cessna ?
Pilot:  No, I'm a male hispanic

Pilot:  ... request heading 110 to avoid"
Radar:  To avoid what ?
Pilot:  To avoid delay

Pilot:  Radar, this is Cessna 4675
Radar:  Cessna 4675, go ahead
Pilot:  Radar, I dont seem to be making much progress here.
        How is my groundspeed ?
Radar:  Well, all depends. If you are a hang glider, you are
        doing very well.

Captain: (after landing a bit rough)
         Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour. You just received two
         landings for the price of one.

-==================-

 A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money,
 she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

 She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind
 a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

 She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid.
 Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under
 the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the
 playground. Signed, A Blonde."

 The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent
 him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the
 blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting
 beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found
 the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this
 to a fellow Blonde?"

-==================-

      CONGRESS PASSES AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT
        --------------------------------------------

WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans
With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits
and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans.

The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its
passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon
millions of US citizens who lack any real skills or uses.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their
own--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful
role for themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter.
Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding,
dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in
rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic
forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of non-abled
Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the
ranks is
simply not a reality."

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in
the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an
illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-
based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of
upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable
employees.

The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to
hire non-abled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one
non-germane worker for every two talented new hires.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains
tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the non-abled by
banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions
as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any
special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"

"As a non-abled person, I frequently find myself unable to
keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said
Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk
at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of
notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me."

With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act,
Gertz and millions of other untalented, nonessential citizens can
finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings,
to provide each and every American citizen, regardless
ofhis or her of value to society, some sort of space to take up in
this great nation.

-==================-

Why are coin banks shaped like pigs?

The Answer:

Originally people kept their money in jars that were made
of clay called "pygg." Realizing the phonetic similarity
between pygg (the material) and pig (the animal), people
started to create their jars in the shape of a pig, and
later called them "piggy banks."

To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 26/7/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on
seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather
expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and
perhaps talk a few words with him.
As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past
the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next
to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's
ear, and made his way on again.
This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard,
the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the
hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.
The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the
Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way
slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned
over to the American and spoke softly into his ear...
"I thought I told you yesterday to get the fuck out of here."

-==================-

                    THE NEW DICTIONARY 
                          - Submitted by Rubin
              ------------------------------------
Websters cme out with a new dictionary to reflect the modern times
Here are a few highlight of what's inside

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both 
ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born 
and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the 
truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH:
A female moth.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have.  You have character lines.

     and one to tell your boss...

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

-==================-

Computer Terminology
--------------------
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to
  become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than
  the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to
  buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp.
  after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
  (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to
generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at
  home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

			Submitted by: Dan Grossman @ yale.edu

-==================-

 Vice President Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. 
 
 Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00
 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."
 
 Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00
 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
 
 Hillary tosses her perfectly coifed hair and says, "Of course, then, I
 could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred
 people very happy." 
 
 Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all
 of you out the window and make the whole country happy."  

-==================-

Submitted By:          Daniel Stevens 

Old man Harry and his wife get in the car and head for town one day.  When
they get to the end of their street Harry's wife says, "Harry you need to
put on your seatbelt."  Harry barks back saying, "I'm not wearing a
seatbelt! I"ve been driving for over 30 years and I've never worn a
seatbelt yet and I'm not wearing one now!  They make me feel trapped in."
Harry's wife says, "But Harry it's the LAW now that you have to wear a
seatbelt while driving and if we get stopped you'll get a big fine."
Harry yells back, "I don't give a damn what THE LAW says...I'm not wearing
a seatbelt!"
     Just minutes after turning out on to the main highway Harry sees the
flashing lights and hears the siren of a police car pulling him over.
Harry pulls over to the side of the road and the patrol car pulls in
behind him.  Harry real quick puts on his seatbelt.  The officer walks up
to Harry's side of the car and Harry rolls down the window.  The officer
asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over today sir? "Harry replies, "Well
no sir I don't...I know I wasn't speeding."  The officer says, "I pulled
you over because you weren't wearing your seatbelt."  Harry quips back,
"I'm wearing my seatbelt."  The officer replies, "Yes sir, but you weren't
wearing it when I pulled you over...you put it on AFTER I stopped you...I
saw you do it."  Harry loudly responds, "I'VE BEEN WEARING THIS SEATBELT
EVER SINCE WE LEFT THE HOUSE, AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME JUST ASK MY
WIFE!"  The officer leans down and looks in at Harry's wife and asks, "Is
that true mam, has he been wearing the seatbelt ever since you left the
house?"  Harry's wife shakes her head and replies, "Officer if there is
one thing I've learned...it is that you DON'T argue with my Harry when
he's been drinking!"

-==================-

awyers You Love to Hate:

A former insurance official in Kansas hurt himself trying to lift his
briefcase from his car trunk. Even though he missed no work or even 
a golf game on account of the injury, he was awarded $95,000 because 
of the work-related injury.

A law firm in New Orleans routinely billed four hours of work for 
letters that were only one sentence in length.

A Chicago lawyer charged $25,000 for "ground transportation" while 
on business in San Francisco.

A Kansas lawyer received nearly $35,000 in workmen's compensation 
because he hurt his shoulder reaching into the backseat of his car for 
his briefcase.

One lawyer, while working on a government contract, wrote a 
definition of the words "and/or" that was over 300 words in length.

-==================-

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket 
and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can 
you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out 
of nowhere."

-==================-

MESS HAUL: The Russian military is having so much trouble finding fit
  recruits that it is drafting the ill, Russian newspapers report. In one
  case, a mentally ill soldier on guard duty at the prime minister's
  house started to randomly fire his rifle. "Imagine what a mentally ill
  person or a drug addict can do if you give him an assault rifle," said
  a Russian general of the problem. Incidents of suicide, and shootouts
  between soldiers, are also high, officials say. Meanwhile, the Russian
  army is so short on funds that it is buying canned dog food to feed
  troops. Investigators say they found 1,000 tons of dog food when they
  inspected army food depots near Moscow. When the investigators
  announced they were going to inspect other food depots, the general in
  charge of food services resigned. (AP, 2) ...So, if the conscripts
  weren't sick when they were drafted, they were by the time they were
  discharged.

Y2K A-OK: The U.S. military has "offered to share or engage in joint
  early warning projects with Russia and maybe with other countries as
  well" in order to avoid a war on January 1, 2000, the Pentagon has
  announced. Military planners are afraid that the "Year 2000 bug" in
  computers might trigger a false attack warning. Computers or programs
  that use only two digits to store or calculate the year might be
  confused by the year 2000, perhaps mistaking it for the year 1900.
  (Reuters) ..."Sir! The system reports the Russians are attacking -- on
  horseback!"

-==================-

In the smoking-car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits
of various ways of preserving health.  One stout, florid man held
forth with great eloquence on the subject.
"Look at me!" he said.  "Never a day's sickness in my life,and all due
to simple food.  Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of
twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular
life----no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances.
Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine
o'clock and up again at five in the morning.  I worked from eight to
one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words:  after that, an
hour's exercise; then--"
"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner,
"but what were you in for?"

-==================-


Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company responsible for the accident to Court.  In Court
the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.  "Didn't
you
say at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine,?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened.  I had just
loaded
my favorite bull Boris into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the
question.  Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine?".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Boris into the trailer and I was
driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the
fact that, as the scene of the accident, this man told the Policeman on the
scene that he was fine.  Now, several weeks after the accident he is trying
to sue my client.  I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply
answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he was to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Boris into the trailer and was driving him down the highway when
this
huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in
the side.  I was thrown into the ditch and Boris was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.  However, I could hear 'ol
Boris moaning and groaning.  I knew he was in terrible shape just by his
groans.
Shortly after the accident, a Policeman came on the scene.  He could hear
Boris moaning and groaning so he went over to him. After he looked at him,
he took out his gun and shot him between the eyes.
Then the Policeman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked
at me.  He said, "Your bull was in such bad shape I had to shoot him."
"How are you feeling?"

-==================-

Who was the first president of the United States of America?

Answer:

Seems like an easy question doesn't it? After all, most of
us learned that George Washington was the first president
of the United States of America. Technically though, John
Hanson--not Washington--was the first president. (Don't
believe me? Well read on.)

Although in 1789 Washington became the first president of
the U.S. under the U.S. Constitution, the U.S. existed
since 1776--thirteen years before Washington became
president. For eight of those years, the U.S. was governed
by the Articles of Confederation, which were adopted by
Congress in 1777 and ratified by the states in 1781.

When the Congress met in 1781, it elected John Hanson its
"President of the U.S. in Congress assembled." After the
election, George Washington wrote Hanson to congratulate
him on his "appointment to fill the most important Seat in
the United States."

Today, Hanson is rarely remembered because his position
carried little power and because the system of government
that elected him was quickly replaced.


Don't believe today's answer?

If you have a copy of "The World Almanac and Book of
Facts", look up "The Continental Congress: Meetings,
Presidents." In that section you'll find a reference to
John Hanson. Look at the footnote and you'll see that he
really was America's first president.

To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 03/08/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Why does "let the cat out of the bag" mean "to let a secret
be known"?

The Answer:

In 18th century England, British tenants who farmed land
that belonged to gentry were required to pay part of
everything they produced as rent. To avoid paying some
rent, many cunning farmers secretly sold some of their pigs
without reporting the transactions.

Often, these farmers would hide their pigs in a heavy bag,
or a poke (which, by the way, is why the phrase "pig in a
poke" means "something that's offered in a disguised way").

Eventually, crafty salespeople realized that, in their
haste, customers who engaged in these illegal deals didn't
bother to look inside their bag, which made it easy to pass
off a cat as a young pig. Once the buyer arrived at home,
however, the secret came out in the open, as he let the cat
out of the bag.

(Source: "Why You Say It" by Webb Garrison)


BY THE WAY, here in New York, cunning sellers use a similar
trick. Drivers who stop at red lights are often approached
by guys who claim that they just stole a TV set that's so
new it's still in the original box. Though the set is worth
$500 these sellers are willing to sell if for a mere $100.

If a driver buys the set, he's told that he must drive home
quickly to keep from getting arrested for buying stolen
merchandise, and that he must not stop to look inside the
box until he gets home. Once the driver gets home and
excitedly opens the box, all he finds are a couple of heavy
rocks. It's an old trick, but people still fall for it.

-==================-

In the old days, prisoners tried to escape the confines of their cell 
by using a file hidden inside a cake. Today, thanks to our criminal 
justice system, prisoners try to escape their boredom by filing a 
lawsuit, which is a piece of cake. Because inmates are considered 
"indigent," they don't have to pay filing fees and are either given 
a court-appointed lawyer or can respresent themselves. Every claim, 
no matter how fivolous, must be considered by the district attorney's 
office. Over 90 percent of prisoner cases are determined fivolous and 
therefore dismissed.

Glenn Spradley, who is serving a life sentence for attempted murder 
and aggravated assault in Florida, sued for three pancakes instead 
of two.

Michael A. Johnson, who was serving time in Lorton Reformatory 
filed a lawsuit for $12,500 because he was charged $6 for a $5.80 
book of postage stamps. A federal judge in Washington, DC, 
dismissed the lawsuit.

A lawsuit was filed against Buchanan County, Missouri, alleging 
that the county should award damages to a prisoner who broke 
his leg while attempting to escape from its jail.

-==================-

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He
lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers
around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman
checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any
kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty
years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a
Catholic.  But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's
Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the
Catholic litany.
Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying
man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

-==================-

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can
get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of
customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long
before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says,
"About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow
that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the
shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

-==================-

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony
$18 bills would be in some small hick Southern town. So, he got into
his new wheels and off he went.
   He found a tiny town with a single store.  He entered the store and
handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you
change this for me, please?" he said.
   The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and
told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

-==================-

Why is a dismissed employee said to be "sacked"?

The Answer:

In the 17th century, craftsmen and artisans brought their
own tools to work, storing them in a sack. If the boss
wanted to dismiss one of these workers, he would often give
him his sack. The implication being that he should put his
tools in the sack and leave the shop. Today, you don't have
to be an artisan or a craftsman to "get the sack." Even the
boss can be "sacked."

(Source: "Why You Say It" by Webb Garrison)

-==================-

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was adroit at counting money and
adding up figures.

"Where did you get your finance education?" he asked.
"Yale," replied the lad.

"Good!,"  said the manager.  "And what's your name?"

"Yim Yohnston," he replied.

To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 04/9/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking,
minding his own business when all of a sudden this
great big guy comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him
clean off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on
the stool and starts drinking again when all of a
sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and
says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets
up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.

The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he
returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind
the big idiot and --Bong!!!"--bangs the big guy off
his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When
he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."


-=========================================-

This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of
the gorilla's enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his
eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the
gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, the zookeeper was anxiously bending
over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had
happened. The zookeeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language,
pulling down your eyelid means "Fuck you". The explanation didn't make
the gorilla's victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. 

The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party 
horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he 
hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he 
tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the big apes 
were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at 
him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn 
and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then 
the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, 
and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla looked at the knife in his 
cage, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.

-=========================================-

The seven-year old told her mom, that a little boy in her class asked
her to play doctor.
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the
insurance company."

-=========================================-

Several cases during this century have been dubbed "The Trial of the 
Century." Among them are: People v. Richard Loeb and Nathan 
Leopold (aka the Leopold & Loeb trial), Commonwealth v. Nicola Socco 
and Bartolomeo Vanzetti (aka the Sacco & Vanzetti trial), State v. John 
T. Scopes (aka the Scopes Monkey trial), and People v. Bruno Richard 
Hauptmann (aka the Lindbergh Baby kidnapping). But without a doubt, 
the most famous trial of recent times has been People v. OJ Simpson 
(1995). OJ Simpson has become part of American folklore - but a what 
cost? Take a look:

$3.6 million to investigate and prosecute the case
$3 million in food, security, and shelter for the jury
$2.7 million in Sheriff's department expenses
$1.9 million in court costs (superior and municipal)
$100,000 for autopsies
$21,000 in accounting costs

And an estimated $40 billion in loss of productivity due to American 
workers discussing the Simpson trial instead of doing their job.

Cuts right to the heart of the matter, doesn't it?

-=========================================-

[ed: This reminded me of the MS-helicopter joke. But read it through, it
adds a cute little twist in the end]

     A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He
     reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon
     further and shouts:

     "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

     The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet
     above this field."

     "You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.

     "I do" replies the man. "How did you know."

     "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
     technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

     The man below says "You must work in business."

     "I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

     "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're
     going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same
     position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

-=========================================-

Why do lion tamers use chairs?

The Answer:

Lions are predators, and unlike other animals, they can't
be domesticated. But, as lion-tamers know, it is possible
to predict when a lion is going to strike. Before a lion
turns aggressive, his eyes narrow and he starts to focus on
the object that he wants to strike.

At that point, the lion-tamer must distract the lion and
make him lose focus. Often, the cracking of a whip or the
shot of a gun will do the trick. Other times, a chair is
used. When the tamer points the legs of a chair at his
lion, the lion suddenly goes from having one point to
concentrate on (the tamer) to four (the chair's legs), and
his aggression usually subsides.

(Source: "The College of Obscure Knowledge" by Jim Marbles)

-=========================================-

CURSE OF THE ANCIENTS: German Adam Gotz, 30, claimed he was a "spiritual
  psychiatrist" and said the Pyramids in Giza, Egypt, provided spiritual
  energy that enabled believers to "transcend humanity". That energy
  would allow people to be "free from death", he told his girlfriend
  Sarah, traveling with him from Germany. Later, after climbing to the
  top of the 187-meter (617 feet) Cairo Tower, Gotz told Sarah he would
  prove what he was telling her was true: he jumped off. He was killed on
  impact. (Reuters) ...Warning: Belief in strange ideas does not
  guarantee that strange ideas will believe in you.

GOLD WATCH OPTIONAL: The Japanese government has awarded a pension to two
  Korean women who were forced to work in a Japanese factory during World
  War II. After a court fight, the government relented and made the
  payment in a lump sum, basing the pension on 15 days of the women's
  1941 wages. Yang Chun-ki and Kwon Byong-suk, both 68, collected 24
  cents, which was split evenly between them. (AP) ...It's so moving to
  see injustice finally get righted.

POISONING PIGEONS IN THE PARK: Someone in New York City has a "very
  premeditated, conscious and sick desire to take out their ill feelings
  on the city's wildlife," says Chief Alex Brash of the Urban Park
  Rangers. Bird seed laced with pesticide is being left around Manhattan.
  At least 60 dead birds, mostly pigeons, have been found near Times
  Square and the Upper East Side. "This is someone who had a bad time
  with pigeons at some point and is taking it out on them now," Brash
  theorizes. (AP) ...Rangers say Tom Lehrer is being sought for "routine
  questioning".

NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION: The Inquisitions shouldn't
  necessarily be condemned, argues Roman Catholic theologian Georges
  Cottier. Rather, its historical context should be reviewed before
  saying "that such and such an act should not have been committed," he
  said. Cottier will chair a symposium at the Vatican this fall to
  examine the Roman, Spanish and Middle Age Inquisitions in order to
  provide the Pope "with enough information to see if there is a need to
  apologize" for such acts as torture or the burning of Protestants at
  the stake. (AFP) ...Indeed, we must examine whether the Inquisitors
  came from broken homes and inner city squalor, which might help us
  understand them better.

DING DING DING DING DING: Michael Kearney just got his master's degree in
  chemistry with an A-minus grade point average. Not a big deal, perhaps,
  unless you consider he is only 14 years old. The Murfreesboro, Tenn.,
  boy started high school at age 5, was awarded a bachelor's degree at
  10, and is taking it all in stride: "I'm happy. I'm giddy. I'm spiffy,"
  he said. "Everyone's sending me money, so I'm happy. It's not so much
  the graduation, it's the cash. The cold, hard cash." That attitude
  might help to explain his main goal in life: to become a game show host
  on TV. He'll be starting on a doctorate program soon, but "the game
  show host thing is always there. If someone gives me an offer, boom,
  I'll be there," he said. (AP) ...If you ever needed proof that
  television can harm young minds, boom, there you are.

-=========================================-


Life is sexually transmitted.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause
kids.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the
end.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the
sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide
to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

-=========================================-

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign
saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides
the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to
beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look
like a dangerous dog to me.  Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept
tripping over him."

-=========================================-

Why do people believe that breaking a mirror causes seven
years of bad luck?

The Answer:

Back in the sixth century B.C., the Greeks began using a
shallow bowl filled with water to predict the future of the
person who cast his image on the reflective surface. If one
of these mirrors broke, the seer would automatically
predict that the person holding it didn't have a future--
i.e., he was going to die.

In the first century A.D., the Romans adapted this
superstition and added their own twist to it. Since they
believed that a person's health changed in cycles of seven
years, a broken mirror indicated seven years of poor health
and misfortune.

That belief was reinforced in fifteenth-century Italy,
where the modern mirror was first manufactured. Since
mirrors were expensive at the time, those who were wealthy
enough to afford them told their servants that breaking the
fragile treasure would result in seven years of bad luck.

(Source: PANTI'S EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS
by Charles Panti)


-=========================================-

MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN

"LOTTERIES MAKE US DREAM BIG"

The American dream sure has changed.

The dream used to be to make a decent living, buy a
house and raise a few loving children to be good
citizens and mow the lawn.

The new dream is far more appealing: win millions of
dollars in the lottery, tell your boss exactly what to do
with your job, and spend the rest of your life shopping.

Which man hasn't dreamed of owning a fleet of Ferraris,
a wardrobe of Armanis and a lifetime supply of Rogaine?
Which woman hasn't dreamed of visiting several malls
in one day and buying them all?

The government has helped foster these dreams,
sponsoring a number of lotteries and somehow fooling us
that buying tickets is a wise investment. Truth is, it would
be wiser to invest in prune juice, hoping it will one day
be as popular as beer.

In most states, lotteries are one of the few legal forms of
gambling, an easy way for governments to tax people,
even the poor, who cling to the hope that they are buying
a ticket to Bill Gates' world -- or at least his village. Many
buy hundreds of tickets, playing various combinations
and increasing their chances of going bankrupt.

The recent $295 million jackpot in the Powerball lottery,
sponsored by 20 states and the District of Columbia,
created more excitement around the country than a
celebrity divorce. Millions of people rushed to stores to
buy tickets. If only we could get that kind of turnout for
elections. Perhaps we should allow voters to pick
candidates, as well as numbers. So many people
would vote, the next president might actually get a
majority.

I could laugh at all the people who drove several hours
to neighboring states to buy Powerball tickets. I could
laugh at those who stood in line for hours. I could laugh
at those who ended up with worthless pieces of paper.
But I don't like laughing at crazy people, especially
when I happen to be one of them. Sort of.

One of my work mates offered to drive to West Virginia
to buy tickets for everyone in the office. And I decided
to give her $5 for five chances at instant retirement. I
didn't want to be the only loser in the office, the only
person who had to work for a living.

I knew the odds of winning were steep, about one in 80
million, equal to the odds of:

---Mike Tyson being asked to host the next Miss America
   contest.

---Monica Lewinsky refusing to write a tell-all book.

---Robert Downey Jr. being appointed as the country's
   drug czar.

---Richard Simmons writing a best-selling book called
    "How to Gain Weight and Stay Fat."

---Howard Stern talking for an hour without mentioning sex.

But despite the odds, the jackpot was too enticing for me,
because I knew someone was going to win it. And
chances are, whoever won it wouldn't share it with me.
Even if I begged them.

Despite the odds, millions of people couldn't help
dreaming about what they'd do with the money. Some
dreamed about all the things they'd buy. Others
dreamed about all the people they'd help. It's so easy to
be generous in your dreams.

Despite the odds, the American dream lives on. Until the
next jackpot.


Submitted by the author:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Melvin Durai is a humor columnist at the Chambersburg, Pa.,
Public Opinion. Write to him at mdurai@mail.cvn.net. Read
previous columns at www.cvn.net/~mdurai.

To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 07/9/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

[ed: This doesn't work well in writing. You need to drag out the part
just before the punch line]

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune
teller of some local repute.  In a dark and hazy room, peering into a
crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.


"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself
to be a widow.  Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this
year."


Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands.  She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself.  She simply had to know.  She met the fortune
teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.


"Will I be acquitted?"

-=========================================-

Some Clinton Jokes:

Q. What's the difference between Jerry Springer
    and Kenneth Starr?

A.  One's a guy who gets his kicks exposing 
the sexual transgressions of hillbillies, 
and the other one is a talk show host.

---

Sears is making a tool in honor of Bill Clinton....the
  Clinton driver...screws everything guranteed.

---

As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes 
his customary request over the loudspeaker: 

"Mr. President, would you please return
the stewardess to the upright position and 
prepare to land?"

---

 THE INTEROGATION
     - Submitted by Sheffie Kadane
  "STARR I ARE -- a newly discovered tale of Dr. Seuss"
    ------------------------------------------------
I'm here to ask
As you'll soon see --
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?

Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?

I did not do that
Here or there--
I did not do that
Anywhere!

I did not do that
Near or far --
I did not do that
Starr-You-Are.

Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?

And did you tell
the girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?

I do not like you
Starr-You-Are --
I think that you
Have gone too far.

I will not answer
Any more --
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!

The public's easy
To distract --
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!

-=========================================-

                  THE DESIGNER AND THE ENGINEER
                   (A Bit long, bt worth the read)
                      - Submitted by David Rim
               ---------------------------------
Throughout history, Artsy types and techy types have always been
in conflict. This is most probably caused by 'Right Brain'
and 'Left Brain' dominance of the respective professions.

I am sure there was conflict even when the wheel was designed
'Make it perfectly round to reduce friction," said the wheel 
techician.

"No, perfectly round is so boring and generic," argued the
wheel designer.

Well in today's moden age, the internet has created one of the
most glaring and continuous confrontations between the two.
Here is a recent conversation overheard between a web deigner
and an engineer.
                             ---------

Hi, I don't think we've met yet. I'm the designer. I just started, 
and I have a bit of a technical question.

That's what I'm here for. What's the problem?

Well, I was wondering how you set the font in HTML? 
How do I make sure that our audience gets their text 
in Myriad MM light norm 12 pt?

Oh that's an easy one!

Great! What is it?

You can't. Cheers!

That doesn't make any sense.

Sure it does. You see, HTML is designed to work on all computers
 and all displays. You don't know what fonts people are going to 
have installed on their machines or even if they have monitors. 
They may be visually impaired, you know. So trying to set the 
font is a useless endeavor.

So I'm stuck designing with the default fonts set by the 
Web browser?

Well, unless readers set their own fonts.

What?

Yeah, check it out. I've set up my fonts and display just the 
way I like it: black background, orange text, and the fonts are 
all Courier.

AAAHHHHHH!!!!! You fiend! My designs! My beautiful designs! 
All ruined! What a world ... what a world....

Well that's what you get when you try to control visual presentation
 on a multiplatform environment.

Stupid designer.

Some time later ...

I figured it out!

What? What did you figure out?

Fonts on the Web. I got them to work.

WOW! It's ... it's beautiful! Elegant, refined, readable. 
I don't understand. This shouldn't be possible. How'd you do this?

Oh, it was easy. I made our entire site into a background GIF, 
flattened the text down into the bitmap, and then just made 
an image map around all the linkable items.

But that's monstrous! It's unstructured! It's unsearchable! 
It's unindexable! It's ... it's ...

It's got the font control that I need.

(looks at file size) IT'S 150 KILOBYTES!!!!

But I have the fonts I needed.

AHHHH!!!!!! My server! My poor server! 
What a world! What a world.

Stupid engineer.

-=========================================-

Why do we cover our mouths when we yawn?

The Answer:

Today, we cover a yawn out of politeness, but that's not
why the custom got started. It began out of fear. In
ancient times, it is believed, people thought that a yawn
was the soul's attempt to leave the body. Covering a yawn
with one's hand was the way people kept their souls from
escaping.

It seems that this belief began when ancient man observed
that babies yawn soon after birth. With infant mortality
being inexplicably high, people blamed yawning for their
babies' deaths. In fact, Roman physicians actually
instructed mothers to make sure that their baby's mouth was
always covered during a yawn in order to protect its life.

(Source: PANTI'S EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS
by Charles Panti)


-=========================================-

Funnty signs from around the world:
  -------------------------------

Plumer: "We repair what your husband fixed."
    -Mo4al
   ************

On the trucks of a local plumbing company here 
in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip, call your plumber!!"   
    -Rickley L. Buck
   ************

Pizza shop slogan: 
7 days without pizza makes one Weak!!
   ************

At a Tire shop in Milwaukee: 
"Invite us to your next blowout."
     - Adolph Herbstrei
   ************

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: 
Hello, can we pick your nose?
    -Chanel Rose
   ************

Sign at the psychic's hotline: 
Don't call us, We'll call you.
    -IBDOUGELL
   ************

At A Laundry shop: 
How about we refund your money 
Send you a new one at no charge 
Close the store and have the manager shot. 
Would that be satisfactory? 
 'Signed Customer Service'
    -Janet36603
   ************

At a towing company: 
"We won't charge an arm and a leg. 
We want tows."
    -Phred
   ************

Billboard on the side of the road: 
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop 
reading these signs"
    -Joe E Bowers, Jr.

-=========================================-

[ed: BTW, The Muppets made a song out of this.]

          THE OEDIPUS COMPLEX
             - Submitted by Rosie Fife
       -------------------------------
Many many years ago when I was twenty three, 
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. 

This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. 
My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. 

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. 
My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. 

To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy. I
 soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. 

My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. 
And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. 

For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother 
To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother. 

Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. 
And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. 

My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue.
 Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too. 


If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. 
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.
 
For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. 
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!! 

To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 9/09/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

            HOW TO WRITE YOUR THESIS PAPER 
                - Submitted by KSmocke
          -------------------------------
Scene: It's a fine beautiful day in the forest; 
and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, 
typing away on his lap top. 

Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox:    "What are you working on?"
Rabbit: "My Thesis paper to graduate from University."
Fox:    "Hmmmmm. What is it about?"
Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
         (There is an incredulous pause)
Fox:    "That's ridiculous! 
         Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!"
Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. 
After a few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, 
the rabbit returns to his lap top and resumes
typing. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to 
watch the hard working rabbit.
(Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap).

Wolf:    "What's that you are writing?"
Rabbit:  "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats wolves."
         (loud guffaws).
Wolf:    "You don't expect to get such garbage 
         published, do you?"
Rabbit:  "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, 
and again the rabbit returns by himself.
This time he is patting his stomach. 
He goes back to his typing.
(Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap).

Finally a bear comes along and asks, 
Bear:   "What are you doing?"
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats bears."
Bear:   "Well that's absurd!"
Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you."

SCENE: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, 
there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner is a 
pile of wolf bones. On the other side of
the room a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
-----------------------
It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis topic.
It doesn't matter what you use for your data.
It doesn't even matter if your topic makes sense.
What matters is who you have for a thesis advisor.

-=========================================-

Why is something that's thrown out said to be "86ed"?

The Answer:

It seems that in the 1920s, diners and soda fountain
employees used to use code numbers to communicate with each
other. 82 meant "I need a glass of water," 19 was a call
for a banana split, 99 meant "the manager is on the prowl,"
and 86 meant "we're out of that item."

Later 86 came to mean "Whatever he asks for, tell him we're
out of. He's broke, so don't serve him anything."
Eventually, when someone was 86ed, he was simply asked to
leave or thrown out.

(Source: THE STRAIGH DOPE, by Cecil Adams)

-=========================================-

      REASONS FOR ALLOWING DRINKING AT WORK       
                - Submitted by Steve
       --------------------------------------------
While this may appear simply as a joke, if you
read carefully below, the logic is actually 
pretty sound.

1. It's an incentive to show up. 

2. It reduces stress. 

3. It leads to more honest communications. 

4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 

5. It cuts down on time off because you 
   can work with a hangover. 

6. Employees tell management what they think, 
    not what management wants to hear. 

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 

8. It encourages carpooling. 

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you 
    have a bad job you don't care. 

10. It eliminates vacations because people w
    would rather come to work. 

11. It makes fellow employees look better. 

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises 
    when they have had a couple of drinks

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

AS ALWAYS - We encourage responsible drinking

-=========================================-

               ARE YOU A PROBLEM THINKER??     
                - Submitted by Polo
            ------------------------------
Are YOU a problem thinker?

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at 
parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, 
one thought led to another, and  soon I was more than 
just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself. 
But I knew it  wasn't true. Thinking became more and more 
important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and 
employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read 
Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied 
and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening 
I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning 
of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss 
called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me 
to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. 

If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find 
another one." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. 
"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, 
"and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. 
"You think as much as college professors, and college 
professors don't make any money, so if you keep on 
thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she 
began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," 
I snarled as I stomped out the door.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass,
a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking 
ruining your life?" it asked. 

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the 
standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.Which is why I am 
what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss 
a TA meeting. 

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last 
week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how 
we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. 
Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as 
I stopped thinking.

-=========================================-

            SO WHO SENT IT???            
                - Submitted by JSmith
         -------------------------------
A young couple got married and went away on their 
honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put 
away all of the presents they received from friends and
family.  Since this was a new home, the process took some
time. The silver went into the closet, items were put 
on the walls for display and some of the more intimate 
apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets 
for a popular show where tickets were impossible to 
get. They were very excited nnd warmed by the gesture 
of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, 
however, was only a small piece of paper with a single 
line. 

"Guess who sent them."

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, 
but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, 
and had a wonderful time. On their return home late 
at night, still trying to guess the identity of the 
unknown host, they found the house stripped of every 
article of value. And on the bare table in the 
dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written
in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:

"Now you know!"

-=========================================-

Why do golf balls have dimples?

The Answer:

They're not there just to make the ball look pretty. The
dimples on a golf ball actually enable the ball to travel
faster and further than a smooth ball of the same size.
They allow air to travel around the ball in a way that
makes it fly as it would if it were smaller and smooth.

So why don't air planes have dimples on them? Because the
dimple phenomenon is unique to small round objects
traveling at certain speeds. In fact, when the dimpled golf
ball travels at high speeds, the dimples don't create any
advantage, and when it travels at slow speeds the dimples
are disadvantageous to flight.

(Main source: "Myth Information" by J. Allen Varasdi.)

To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 9/17/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

[Note: I'm not sure the got to everyone, so I'm sending it again]

John:  I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary:  Are you wearing it now?
John:  Yup.  Cost me four thousand dollars, though.  But it's top of
       the line.
Mary:  What kind is it?
John:  Twelve-thirty.

-=========================================-

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my
mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for  her? She would like
something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"

-=========================================-

Two young engineers fresh out of college put in applications
for an engineering position with a company. Both clients having
the exact same qualifications, they were asked to take a test
by the Department manager to help decide which one to hire.
Upon completion of the test, both applicants had missed only
one of the questions. After reviewing the tests, the manager
decided to speak with the losing applicant first:
Manager: Thanks for your interest, but we have decided to give
the position to the other applicant.
Applicant: Why would you do that? We both got 9 questions correct,
why choose the other applicant over me?
Manager: We have made our decision not based upon the correct
answers, but on the question you missed.
Applicant: And just how would one incorrect answer be better than
the other?
Manager: Simple. The other applicant put answered "I don't know"
for question 5. Your answer was "Neither do I."

-=========================================-

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the
noose.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

-=========================================-

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him,
questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband
any message if they found him.
"Yes," she replied readily. 'Tell him Mother didn't come after
all."

-=========================================-

Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish
to have for their last meal.
The Italian responds, Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then
executed.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then
executed.
The Jew requests a plate of strawberries.
"STRAWBERRIES ????"
"Yes, Strawberries."
He is told "But they are out of season !"
"So, I'll wait..."

-=========================================-

Why do grooms have best men?

The Answer:

According to German folklore, around A.D. 200, if a
Germanic Goth couldn't find a wife from within his
community, he would go off to a neighboring town and abduct
a woman. Often, he would encounter resistance from the
woman's family, so the would-be groom took along a good
friend. The friend's job was to counter resistance and
stand guard during the wedding. This cohort became known as
the best man.

While this story is folklore, it does have supporting
evidence. For example, many older churches, including the
Goths', had weapons underneath their altars, presumably to
protect against retaliation from the bride's family.

(Source: EVER WONDER WHY? by Douglas Smith and PANATI'S
EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS by Charles Panati)

-=========================================-

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I
keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I JUST DID YOU STUPID FUCK!!!!!

-=========================================-

DISORDER IN THE COURTS - ACTUAL LEGAL LOONIES

US District Court Judge Samuel King was weary of jurors not showing 
up because of the heavy rains that plagued California during the early 
part of 1986. He decreed: "I hereby order that it cease raining by 
Tuesday." Shortly after this declaration, the rain stopped - and five 
years of severe drought fell upon California. In February 1991 Judge 
King proclaimed, "I hereby rescind my order of February 18, 1986, and 
order that rain shall fall in California beginning February 27, 1991." 
Later that same day, February 27, 1991, California saw four inches of 
rain, the greatest accumulation in a decade. The judge claimed this 
sudden change in the weather was "proof positive that we are a 
nation governed by laws." 

------

In November 1973 prosecutor Willima Lawler of Madison County, 
Indiana, won his case for the county against 18 year old Rodney 
Cummings on burglary charges. The judge sentenced Cummings 
to three years probation and then apparently Lawler helped young 
Cummings see the light. Cummings joined the Anderson Police 
Department, made detective and eventually became a lawyer himself. 
Was Lawler pleased? Not really. In the November 1994 elections, 
in a close race, Cummings beat Lawler out of his job and became
Madison County's new prosecuting attorney. 

------

It is one of the only prisoner filed lawsuits that ever worked out best 
for the taxpayers. David Earl Dempsey, then 37, an inmate at the Pima 
County jail in Arizona, filed a lawsuit against prison officials in
Feb. 1996 seeking damages for a botched suicide attempt. Dempsey claimed 
the guards and other officials were negligent in allowing him to have 
bed sheets in his cell which he used to tie around his neck and jump 
out a jail window. Obviously Dempsey wasn't a Boy Scout because 
the knot he tied in the sheet unraveled and he plummeted to the concrete 
below, injuring himself. Before the case could appear before a judge, 
Dempsey saved the court and the taxpayers money by attempting 
suicide a second time and succeeding.

-=========================================-

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown 
wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, 
the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their
families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!  Everyone starts screaming 
and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their 
determined efforts to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who
sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's 
ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan 
walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope. Sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

-=========================================-

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and
then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired.

Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you
see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you
deduce from it?"

Watson yawns and tries to play the game. "Well, this clearly tells us the
weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."

"No, my friend. It's much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our tent."

-=========================================-

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into
night.  Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil!  Let
him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.  The priest repeated his order.  Still 
the dying man said nothing.  The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to 
denounce the devil and his  evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I
ought to aggravate anybody."

-=========================================-

Abe meets his friend Isaac on the street.
Isaac: Abe, why are you looking so sad?
Abe:   It's my son.  I sent him off to college, and now he has come back
home, all full of Gentile ideas.  Where did I go wrong?
Isaac:  Funny you should mention it!  My son, too, has come home from
college, with his head all messed up, filled with Gentile ideas...There is
but
one course open to us.  We will ask the Rabbi.
So they go to the Synagogue, and obtain an audience with the Rabbi.
Both:  Rabbi, our two sons, whom we have raised to be devout followers of
the Law, have come home from college, full of Gentile ideas.  What
can we do about it?
Rabbi Bernstein:  Funny you should mention it!  My son also has come back
from college, with all sorts of Gentile ideas.   I assure you my
friends, this problem is beyond human solution.  We must go into
the place of worship and pray.
The three go in and spread their hands in supplication to the Lord.  No
sooner have they articulated their common lament than the lights go out,
the building is filled with cloud and smoke, and a thunderous voice answers
them
FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION IT.......

-=========================================-


Did a real Uncle Sam ever exist?

The Answer:

We all know Uncle Sam as the bearded character, who, in his
red, white and blue outfit represents America, but did a
real Uncle Sam ever exist? And if he did, how did he come
to be the personification of the United States?

Until recently, no one was sure of the origins of the Uncle
Sam character, but recent discoveries show that Uncle Sam
is based on a man named Samuel Wilson. Wilson was an
American patriot who, at age eight, was a drummer boy whose
drumming at the sight of redcoats kept the British from
advancing on Montgomery during the American Revolution.

After the war, Wilson opened a meatpacking business, where
his fairness lead people to affectionately refer to him as
"Uncle Sam." This reputation for fairness also won Wilson a
military contract to provide meat to soldiers during the
War of 1812.

To indicate which of his crates were meant for the
military, Wilson used the initials "U.S."--as in "United
States." At the time, however, the abbreviation U.S. had
not yet become popularly associated with the United States,
so many soldiers assumed that the initials stood for "Uncle
Sam." Before long, all government food was said to have
come from Uncle Sam, while government issued supplies were
said to belong to Uncle Sam, and the soldiers even referred
to themselves as Uncle Sam's men. To the army, Uncle Sam
represented America.

The public at large was introduced to Uncle Sam a little at
a time. At first he appeared in newspaper illustrations as
a clean-shaven figure wearing a top hat and black tailcoat.
Abraham Lincoln inspired the addition of the beard.
Cartoonists dressed him in the nation's colors to make him
look more patriotic. With each change, Uncle Sam became
more national figure and less Samuel Wilson, until few
remembered that one was based on the other.

(Sources: THE AMERICAN HERITAGE DICTIONARY and PANATI'S
EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS by Charles Panati)

-=========================================-

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening 
the front door.  "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner."  She quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.  "Just pretend you're a
statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.  "The Smiths bought
one for their bedroom.  I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they
went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen & returned a while later with a sandwich & a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something.  I stood like an idiot
at the Smiths' for three days & nobody offered me as much as a glass of 
water."

-=========================================-

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his 
chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster "Ok, old 
fellow its time to retire."
The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens...look at 
what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. 
Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a 
hike." 
The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon...just let me have the two old hens 
over in the corner. I won't bother you." 
The young rooster says "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking 
over." 
So, the old rooster says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what 
young fellow. I'll have a race with you around the farm house. Whoever 
wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop." 
The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, so 
just to be fair I'm going to give you a head start." 
They line up in back of the farm house , get a chicken to cluck "GO" 
and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young 
rooster takes off after him. 
They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only 5 
inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on 
the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!
He blows the young rooster to bits. 
He sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought 
this week!"

-=========================================-

Why do zippers have the letters "YKK" on them?

The Answer:

Never noticed this before? Well go grab a pair of pants, or
anything with a zipper, and have a look. Chances are,
you'll find the letters YKK imprinted on the tab.

YKK stands for "Yoshida Kogyo Kabushikikaisha" which means
"Yoshida Industries Limited," the name of the company
started by Japanese tycoon Tadao Yoshida in 1934. YKK
zippers seem to be most popular in the US (where I spent a
full day unsuccessfully looking for a zipper that wasn't
stamped with its initials) but its zippers are used
throughout the world.

(Source: THE STRAIGHT DOPE column by Cecil Adams)

To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 9/20/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

A clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He
had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it. So, he
called the sanitation department, the health department and several other
agencies, but no one seemed able to help him. In desperation, the good
reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done.

The mayor must have been having a bad day. "Why bother me?" he asked.
"You're a clergyman.  It's your job to bury the dead."

The pastor lost his cool. "Yes," he snapped, "But I thought I should at
least notify the next-of-kin."

-=========================================-

Judge John H. Gillis and two other judges of the Michigan Appellate 
Court were faced with an interesting lawsuit in which $15,000 was 
demanded for the pain and suffering - of a tree. The driver of an 
automobile collided with the plaintiff's "beautiful oak" and severely 
damaged its bark. The dirver paid the owner $550 for a tree surgeon 
to help spruce up the tree, but the owner wanted more. Judge Gillis 
couldn't see how a tree could be compensated for pain and suffering 
so he rejected the demand, but he was so overcome by the tree's 
majesty that he penned his decision in rhyme. The court rendered 
its decision in Fisher v. Lowe (1983) as follows:

We thought that we would never see
A suit to compensate a tree.
A suit whose claim in tort is prest
Upon a mangled tree's behest;
A tree whose battered trunk was prest
Against a Chevy's crumpled crest;
A tree that faces each new day
With bark and limb in disarray;
A tree that may forever bear 
A lasting need for loving care.
Flora lovers though we three,
We must uphold the court's decree.
Affirmed.

-=========================================-

In a Houston, Texas, courtroom in April 1994, Arthur Hollingsworth 
was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store. Hollingsworth 
waived his constitutional right to remain silent and testified in his 
own defense. Harris County prosecutor Jay Hileman eventually got 
Hollingsworth to admit he was, in fact, in the Sun Mart convenience 
store at the the time of the holdup. Hileman then got Hollingsworth 
to admit he had taken a gun into the store with him at the time it was 
robbed. Hileman then moved in for the kill.

HILEMAN: "Mr. Hollingworth, you're guilty, aren't you?"
HOLLINGSWORTH: "No."
HILEMAN: "Mr. Hollingworth, you're guilty, aren't you?"
HOLLINGSWORTH: "Yeah."

Prosecutor Hileman was stunned. "I couldn't believe it," he said. "I 
quite after that." When Hollingsworth's trial resumed the following 
day, the jury, because of his lack of a criminal record, or his amazing 
honesty, gave the convicted robber only five years in prison. They 
could have given him life.

-=========================================-

Why did pirates wear earrings?

The Answer:

It's believed that pirates, like other sailors, wore
earrings to improve their eyesight. While the idea that
piercing an ear will improve one's vision might seem like
an old wives' tale, acupuncture supports the practice. In
acupuncture, thin needles are sometimes inserted into the
earlobe to correct vision problems.

It seems that pirates began piercing their ears after
traveling through the oriental trade routes in the
eighteenth century. The acupuncture connection is further
supported by the lack of earrings in the pre-eighteenth
century depictions of pirates.

(Source: HOW DO ASTRONAUTS SCRATCH AN ITCH? by David Feldman)

-=========================================-

A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former
husband, Walter Smith.  Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter
Smiths.  Give us a little clue."

The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that
if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward.  "Take her to Whirling Walter!"

-=========================================-

Does subliminal advertising work?
(answer below)


===================
New Virtual Gifts: Cindy Crawford and Leonardo DiCaprio

Give a virtual date

http://www.MailBits.com/VirtualGifts
===================


The Answer:

That's an interesting question. (Send me money.)

The American public was first introduced to the idea of
subliminal advertising in 1957 by James M. Vicary. In a
press conference announcing the formation of the Subliminal
Projection Company, Vicary claimed that he was able to
increase sales of popcorn and Coke through the use of
subliminal advertising. (Send me lots of money.)

According to Vicary, during a six-week test in a movie
theater, he was able to drive up sales of popcorn by 57.5%
and sales of Coke by 18.1% simply by flashing the slogans
"drink Coke" and "eat popcorn" over the movie for 1/3,000th
of a second every five seconds. (You want to send me money.)

As plausible as his assertions might have been, there was
little evidence to support them. (Send me money.) For one
thing, Vicary refused to reveal where he conducted his
experiment or document it in any meaningful way. What's
more, psychologists who performed similar experiments
concluded that a subliminal ad was no more compelling than
a billboard glimpsed from the corner of the eye.

In an effort to vindicate his claim, Vicary agreed to run
the subliminal message "telephone now" during a Canadian
broadcast. Like other documented cases, the experiment
failed. Telephone usage didn't increase noticeably, and not
a single viewer guessed Vicary's message. (Send me money.)

While neither this experiment nor previous experiments
disproved conclusively the effectiveness of subliminal ads,
American broadcasters were so convinced of the
ineffectiveness of subliminal messages that they simply
volunteered not to run them. (You have an urge to send me
money.)


BTW, If you're still unconvinced and would like to see more
research on the subject, you'll be happy to know that I'm
running my own little subliminal experiment. I can't tell
you about it now, but in the coming weeks I'll reveal my
findings.

By the way, if you ever need to reach me--for any reason--
my mailing address is: MailBits.com, 110-64 Queens Blvd.,
Suite 242, Forest Hills, NY 11375, USA.

(Source: THE STRAIGHT DOPE Column by Cecil Adams)

-=========================================-

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind
of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions
were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all
over, "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was
in dire need of a rest room.  He told her not to worry, that he was
sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a
powder room for female skiers in distress.  He was wrong, of course,
and the pain didn't go away.

If you've ever had nature hit its your panic button then you  know
that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time
running out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that
since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, so she should go off in
the woods and take care of the situation. No one would even notice he
assured her. "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage,"
he continued. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and
proceeded to do her thing.

If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a
right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't start moving.
Yup, you got it!  She had them positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments.
Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of
control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and
onto another slope.  Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare,
her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the
while.

She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an
unusual vista for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift
and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she
broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last
her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the
base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol.  They transported
her to the local hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously
broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.  "So How'd you break your
leg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up
this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this
crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her
bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her
knees."
"I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how
far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."

"So, how'd you break your arm?"

-=========================================-

Why is it called a "hot dog" if it's not made out of dog?

The Answer:

The journey of the hot dog from a simple sausage to a
staple of the American diet began in 1852 Germany, when the
Frankfurt butchers' guild created a long, thin sausage and
named it "frankfurter" in honor of their town. Shortly
after that, someone noticed that the new sausage looked
like a dachshund and started calling it a "dachshund
sausage," after the long, thin dog. The name stuck and soon
people were calling the frankfurter a dachshund sausage.

In 1906, Harry Mosley Stevens, who operated the New York
Giant's ice cream and soda concession, decided to add the
dachshund sausage to his menu. Stevens realized that in New
York's cold spring afternoons the last thing anyone wanted
was cold ice cream and that the dachshund sausage, which
would stay warm in its skin and warmer still in a roll, was
just the thing for his customers.

So Stevens had his vendors hawk the sausage, instructing
them to sell it by yelling, "They're red hot. Get your
dachshund sausages while they're red hot."

While attending a game, Ted Dorgan, a leading cartoonist,
saw the popularity of Stevens's new food idea and decided
to lampoon it in a cartoon. In the cartoon, vendors were
selling real dachshund dogs in a roll, yelling "Get your
hot dogs!" at each other. As a result, the name "hot dog"
caught on, and--after Stevens was able to convince people
that it wasn't made out of dog meat--the hot dog became a
hit.

(Main Sources: THE PEOPLE'S ALMANAC PRESENTS THE 20TH
CENTURY by David Wallechinsky, EVER WONDER WHY? by Douglas
B. Smith, and PANATI'S EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY
THINGS by Charles Panati)

-=========================================-

Top 13 ways to say a computer geek is dead.

13> Clicked the bucket
12> www.he's-dead,-jim.com
11> Invested in Pointcast
10> Visiting the Chat Tomb
 9> No longer able to view the web's hottest women
 8> 
 7> Opened "GOOD TIMES!"
 6> Transferred to WWW.HasBecome.Com/post
 5> 404ever, Pulse Not Found
 4> Installed the Kevorkian Plug-n-Play
 3> www.MyFirstCoronary.com
 2> Assigned to the Hale Bopp Project

 and Top5's Number 1 Internet Euphemism for Death...

 1> It Doesn't Matter Whether You've Got Mail

-=========================================-

DISORDER IN THE COURTS - ACTUAL LEGAL LOONIES

When Plymouth, Massachusetts, resident Anthony Varrasso received 
a letter calling him to report to jury duty, he couldn't believe they 
wanted him. Varrasso was short on experience in dealing with city hall 
and asked his mother, Lisa Varrasso, for her assistance. Mrs. Varrasso 
was informed by state officials that the last census form listed Anthony 
as being 18 years of age, and therefore, he must report for duty or be 
held accountable. Anthony appeared at the Plymouth Superior Court 
on the date specified on his summons and looked up at the judge. The 
judge looked down at him and saw little three year old Anthony 
nervously holding his mother Lisa's hand. Court officer Nanci Cordiero 
told Anthony, "You're Anthony? We'd love to have you here, but 
you're a little too young." The other potential jurors broke out in a 
spontaneous round of applause for the junior jurist and Cordiero gave 
Anthony a tour of the court. Massachusetts has been plagued with 
faulty jury summonses in the past. Among some of the potential jurors 
selected at random by computer have been pets, dead people and 
buildings.

-=========================================-

TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"
   - Submited by J. Ward O'Brien
---------------------------------

"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl 
accidentally kills the first woman she meets, then 
teams up with three complete strangers to kill the 
woman's sister for personal gain." 

To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 9/24/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said
to himself every so often, "Lord I hope I'm sick !"
After about the 5th or 6th time, the receptionist couldn't
stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you
want to be sick Mr. Adams ?"
The man replied, "I'd hate to be well & feel like this."

-=========================================-

		THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

My mother taught me LOGIC
Like -- "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to
the store with me."
 
My mother taught me MEDICINE
Like -- "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze
that way."
 
My mother taught me ESP
Like -- "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
 
My mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE
Like --  "Where's your brother and don't talk with food in your mouth. Now
answer me!"
 
My mother taught me HUMOR
Like -- "When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
 
My mother taught me CONSEQUENCES
Like -- "You're grounded and this is what is best for you. You'll thank me
one day" (she is still waiting for the thank you)

-=========================================-

DISORDER IN THE COURTS - ACTUAL LEGAL LOONIES

Peter Maxwell of Chino, California is his own boss - literally. He and 
his wife own 95% of a urethane manufacturing company. Maxwell is 
also on the payroll as a worker, so Maxwell is both the owner and an 
employee. Maxwell, the boss, was pretty stingy, however and paid 
Maxwell the employee, only $10,000 a year. One day  when Maxwell 
the employee, was operating a mixing machine, his sweater became 
entangled on an exposed bolt and he was pulled into the device, which 
severely injured him. Maxwell the employee, hired an attorney and 
sued Maxwell the owner, for negligence and sought damages for his 
injuries. Maxwell the owner, hired another lawyer to defend the company 
against the lawsuit. Strangely enough, both Maxwells decided they 
could settle their dispute out of court and negotiated that Maxwell 
the owner, should pay Maxwell the employee, $122,500 for his injuries.
When the IRS got wind of the deal, it was not pleased. It demanded 
that Maxwell the employee, pay $64, 185 of the settlement in income 
tax. It also insisted that Maxwell the owner, cough up $58,500 because 
he tried to write off the payment to Maxwell the employee, as a 
business expense. Maxwell was outraged - so was Maxwell. Maxwell 
the owner, side by side with Maxwell the employee, appealed to the 
IRS's judgment to the US Tax Court. In 1990, Judge Robert Ruwe 
ruled that Maxwell the employee, could have the settlement income 
tax-free and that Maxwell the owner, could deduct $58,500 as a 
business expense.

-=========================================-

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of
the lanes.  He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to
blow into this breathalyzer tube The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do
that.  I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma
attack."
"Okay, fine.  I need you to come down to the station to give a blood
sample."
I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac.  If I do that, I'll bleed 
to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do 
that either.  I am also a diabetic.  If I do that I'll get really low
blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

-=========================================-

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the
group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are
uncomfortable the food is terrible It's too hot, It's too cold & the
accommodations are awful.
 
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone."Good luck
will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"
the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one
will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
 
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some
other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid
stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who
has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
 
"No, ma'am," the irritated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

-=========================================-

Y2KNY: New York "retail designer" Ken Walker says he has spent $500,000
  of his own money getting U.S. and international trademark registrations
  for "01-01-00" -- the "language-independent" depiction of the first day
  of the next millennium that will be "easily recognized all over the
  world." He is already licensing the digit sequence to fashion designers
  to put on T-shirts, clocks, baseball caps, even dinnerware. "The last
  new millennium wasn't very well-marketed," Walker claims. "Atilla the
  Hun really screwed up on the distribution. This time, though, I think
  everyone will get into the hoopla." (UPI) ...But only because the world
  will grind to a halt when all the computers crash.

-=========================================-

THE BRITISH vs. THE AMERICANS             
          - Submitted by JStone
___________________________________
In a recent television show in the UK, actor 
and comedian John Cleese explained three reasons 
why the British are superior to the Americans:

1. They speak English.

2. When they host a world championship they 
   invite other countries.

3. Visitors to the head of state are only 
   expected to go down on one knee.

-=========================================-

     "The Latest Hit",  by Arpad Nemeth, Budapest, Hungary
       `````````````````````````````````````````````````

The latest hit in Budapest is a T-shirt with 
the following message:

   Hiroshima '45
   Chernobyl '86
   Windows   '98

-=========================================-

THIS is TRUE for 13 September 1998     Copyright 1998 by Randy Cassingham
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
IF THE DRESS DOES NOT FIT, YOU MUST ACQUIT: A New York entrepreneur is
  reporting brisk sales of a doll he created in the likeness of President
  Clinton. The doll, which wears only boxer shorts, talks when squeezed
  below the waist. "I'll bomb Baghdad, I'll bomb France, if you'll remove
  my underpants," the doll might say, or "Oral sex is not adultery." But
  designer Ted Theise says the gag doll, marketed under the name "Fondle
  Me Bubba", is "not really anything nasty. If anything, we've probably
  toned down from the real Bubba." (Reuters) ...Meanwhile Clinton says
  that if he is forced out of office, he will devote his full time
  efforts to "finding the real Bubba."

HERE DOGGIE DOGGIE DOGGIE DOGGIE: An anonymous millionaire family
  convinced they own the perfect dog have contracted with Texas A&M
  University to clone the mutt. The school quoted the family $2.3 million
  to clone "Missy", an 11-year-old collie-husky mix. The project, dubbed
  "Missyplicity", was brokered by a San Francisco company, Bio Arts and
  Research Corp. Lou Hawthorne, BARC's president, says the project is not
  a joke. "If we're very lucky, we should have puppies within a year," he
  said. The owners rescued Missy from an animal pound when she was 4
  months old. (AP) ...That $2.3 million will look like a bargain after
  everyone sees what Alpo is going to offer for the endorsement contract.

-=========================================-

Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his
Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him
in tears.
"What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news."  Replied Mary.  "My husband passed
away last night."
"Oh, Mary!" said the good father.  "That's terrible.  Tell me, Mary, did he
have any last requests?"
"Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly.
"Well?"
"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"

-=========================================-

DISORDER IN THE COURTS - ACTUAL LEGAL LOONIES

Michael S. Allen appeared in court wearing the best outfit he had, an 
olive-green, double-breasted suit, because he wanted to make a good 
impression on the judge. Allen, then 26, along with an accomplice faced 
charges of credit card fraud, carrying a concealed weapon, and auto 
theft in Flint, Michigan. According to Mundy Township Detective Tom 
Hosie, the gun carried by Allen's alleged partner had been stolen from a 
Groveland Township home a few weeks earlier. The homeowner had 
been called to court to testify about the theft of the weapon and happened 
to see Allen standing outside the courtroom doors. The man walked up 
to Mundy Township Police Chief David Guigear and Hosie and asked  
if Allen was involved in the burglary case. The officers asked why the 
wanted to know, and the man replied, "Because he's wearing my 
suit." The suit's custom-made lable verified his claim. It was also 
discovered that, since the suit was a few sizes too large, Allen was 
wearing a sweat suit underneath the suit to make it fit correctly.

-=========================================-

Why are horseshoes hung for good luck?

The Answer:

Many ancient cultures attributed supernatural powers to the
horseshoe for a variety of reasons. The Greeks, for
example, revered it because it took the shape of a crescent
moon, which they regarded as a symbol of fertility. But our
modern use of the horseshoe as a symbol of good luck comes
from the legend of St. Dunstan.

Dunstan was a blacksmith who was approached by a man who
wanted to have horseshoes attached to his own feet--which
were suspiciously cloven. Immediately realizing that the
customer was the devil, Dunstan told him that in order to
perform the service, he would have to shackle him to the
wall. When the devil agreed, Dunstan made the job so
agonizingly painful that the devil begged to be released.
But Dunstan wouldn't release the devil until he promised
never to enter the house of a Christian, which he would
recognize by a horseshoe displayed above the door.
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 9/30/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Why do we try to trick our friends on April 1st?

The Answer:

In the early sixteenth century, France observed New Year's
Day on March 25 with celebrations that lasted until April 1.
Then, around 1564, King Charles IX adapted the more
accurate Gregorian calendar and moved the beginning of the
year to January 1.

Many Frenchmen, who either didn't know about the change or
refused to honor it, continued to hold parties and exchange
gifts on April 1. Jokers made fun of these people by
sending them frivolous gifts and invitations to non-
existent parties. Playing these practical jokes was so much
fun that after the calendar change was accepted by all
Frenchmen, people made April Fools Day a tradition in its
own right.

(Sources: PANATI'S EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS
by Charles Panati and EVER WONDER WHY? by Douglas Smith)

-=========================================-

This one is from alt.sysadmin.recovery:

> An Earth First! activist was killed Thursday when he was struck in the 
> head by a falling tree while trying to block logging in a redwood grove. 
> David Chain, 24, a member of the radical environmental group, was with a
> group of protesters who were standing among redwoods marked for logging
> when the tree hit him, sheriff's officials said. 
> A spokeswoman for Pacific Lumber company says its logging crew did not
> see anyone in the area and had no idea Chain was standing nearby. 

-=========================================-

     A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by
a coupleof strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give
anything to sink this next putt."

     A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a
fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that
his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good
omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult
putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

     Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only
get an eagle on this hole."  The same stranger moves to his side and
says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"The golfer
shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

     Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to
win.Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says,
"Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win
this match?"

     The golfer says, "Certainly."  And makes the eagle.As the golfer
walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You
know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I
am.  I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

		Submitted by: Meyer Wolfson @ mindspring.com

-=========================================-

                 DISORDER IN THE COURT
                        Part II
                - Submitted by Bob Castro
            -------------------------------
These excerpts from court transcripts are purported to
be true. You be the judge! 
              
The following are actual statements made during court
cases:

          *****************************

From a defendant representing himself...

Defendant:  Did you get a good look at me when 
            I stole your purse?

Victim:     Yes, I saw you clearly.  
            You are the one who stole my purse.

Defendant:  I should have shot you while I had the chance.
              
          *****************************
              
Defendant:  Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

Judge:      And why is that?

Defendant:  Because the Public Defender isn't
            interested in my case.
Judge to
Public 
Defender:   Do you have any comments
            on the defendant's motion?

Public 
Defender:   I'm sorry, Your Honor.  I wasn't listening.

          *****************************
              
Judge:     Please identify yourself for the record.

Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.

Judge:     What does the "Colonel" stand for?

Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in
           front of your name.  Not a damn thing.

          *****************************
[ed: The following two have appeared before. I don't know if they're true].
              
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness.

Have you nything to say in your defense?

Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

          *****************************
              
Defendant  (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail):
           May I adress the court?

Judge:     Of course.

Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, 
           what would you do?

Judge:     I'd hold you in contempt and assess an
           additional five days in jail.

Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?

Judge:     I can't do anything about that.  
           There's no law Against thinking.

Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.

-=========================================-

Why is a wedding ring worn on the ring finger?

The Answer:

The Western practice of wearing a wedding ring on the third
finger (not including the thumb) began in Greece in the
third century B.C. The Greeks believed that there was a
vein, named the "vein of love," that ran from what we now
call the ring finger directly to the heart. As a result,
they placed the ring that symbolized love on that finger.

Later, the Romans, adopting Greek science, copied the
custom and took it one step further. Roman physicians used
their ring fingers to stir medicine, believing that since
the ring finger was connected to the heart, it could detect
toxicity.

(Sources: PANATI'S EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS
and THE AMERICAN HERITAGE DICTIONARY)

-=========================================-

After bragging the strong young man on the construction site could out do
anyone in a feat of strength. Especially picking on the older construction
workers. "Will you put your money where your mouth is?" an older worker
said said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a
wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "I'll take that bet."

The older worker grabbed the wheelbarrow saying to the young braggert,
"All right Get in."

-=========================================-

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub
late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old
graveyard. 

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave,
God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." 

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says
here that he was 95 when he died." 

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that got to be
145 years old!" 

"What was his name?" asks Paddy. 

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is
written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, to Dublin." 

-=========================================-

Ben & Jerry's new presidential flavors:  
        - Submitted by Bob Castro
------------------------------------
Ben & Jerry's  New Presidential Flavors
(For those of you - especially outside of the US, 
"Ben and Jerry's" is one of the most famous ice cream 
companies in the US - and is known for creating funny 
names for their ice cream such as "Cherry Garcia," 
playing on the name of "Gerry Garcia."

THE FLAVORS
Double Nut Joy
Impeach-Mint
Subpoenas 'n' Cream
Chubby Cheatin' Hubby
Candy Pants
Chilly Hillbilly
Pants-offio Pistachio
Horny Bubba Crunch
Arkansas Peach
Subpoena Butter Cup
Peppermint Fatty
Captain Cream
Tubby Bubba
Hillary Chiller
Fundraising Coffee
Oval Office Surprise
Arkansas Smoothie
Subpoena Colada
Hyperactive Nuts
Scandalberry

-=========================================-

BED AND BREAKFAST II: London's Brixton prison is offering up to 200
  people the opportunity to stay overnight. Guests will be required to
  raise at least 50 pounds (US$83) for charity, and can then check into
  the recently renovated 19th-century prison for dinner and a cell for
  the night. The honorary inmates will be awaked at the usual time --
  06:30 -- and will be released after breakfast. "We promise you an
  informative and fascinating experience, not to be easily forgotten,"
  says prison governor Mike O'Sullivan. (Reuters) ...Guests are strongly
  advised to decline the turndown service.

STUPID NETWORK TRICKS: Spartan Communications, owner of seven television
  stations, was angry with late night talk show host David Letterman, so
  it pulled "Late Show With David Letterman" from its lineup for a week
  and instead sold the air time for "infomercials". After the week was
  over, the programming director of Spartan's flagship station WSPA in
  Greenville, S.C., was "surprised" to announce that the hour-long ads
  received the same Nielsen ratings as Letterman's show. (AP) ...Regular
  Letterman viewers were upset, however, because they were not lulled to
  sleep as fast by the infomercials.

-=========================================-

GEORGE WASHINGTON AND THE CHERRY TREE
            The new vesion                      
                - Submitted by JOHN BOYANCE
_______________________________________________

There has been a recent discovery among archives shedding
new information regarding George Washington's famous line
"I can not tell a lie - I chopped down the Cherry Tree"
It seems that someone was hiding nearby during the 
following discussion and copied this on parchment.

HERE's THE STORY
----------------

"George, son, did you chop down the cherry tree?" 

"No, Dad." 

"Son, because I trust you and have given you the privilege 
of running the plantation while I'm gone as a symbol of that 
trust, I'm going to believe you."
     
SEVEN MONTHS LATER...

"George, your brother was talking to one of our slaves, 
and the slave told him he saw you chop down that cherry 
tree last winter. Did you?" 

"No, Dad."

"I think you are lying."

"No, no, no! I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree."

"Son, he saw you out here with your axe. Your punishment 
will be much worse for you if you lie. Now, tell me the truth!"

"Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take 
complete responsibility for all my actions. While my answer 
was legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. Indeed, 
Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground. 
To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in 
judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am 
solely and completely responsible. I know my answer to you 
gave a false impression. I misled you, my own father. I 
deeply regret that. I can only tell you I was motivated 
by many factors.

" What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry 
tree to fall. Only after the tree was already down did 
I go get my axe to chop off individual branches. So, 
I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree. 
Look at the saw cut on the stump and the axe cuts on the 
branches. Therefore, legally, I told the truth. I ask you 
to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and 
to return our attention to a solid family relationship. 
After all, who's going to remember a cherry tree as a 
symbol of my character and ability to lead?"
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 10/03/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" a bit more entertaining.  Here are some real examples
that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing
of the airplane.

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited.  Any person caught smoking
in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off.  Feel free to move about as
you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight
pattern."

And, after landing:  "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in
front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage
from the overhead bins.  The head attendant announced on the intercom,
"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that
monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in
their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at
the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.  I'm
switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with
all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella..WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses."  "Last
one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited,give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."  He said
that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye,thinking that someone would have a smart
comment.  Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old
lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
question?"  "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"  The little
old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the
Captain was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with
your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:  "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

>From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY.  To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other
seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.  In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask,and pull it over your face.  If you have
a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
with theirs.  If you are traveling with two small children, decide now
which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."

-=========================================-

Email Facts Of Life

1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true". Furthermore, just because someone said in the message, four generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit", does not actually make it true.

2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hellbent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see: http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm 
And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have." That's "none" as in "zero". Not even your friend's cousin.

3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at: http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html 
Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.

4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate co-workers gross out bathroom stall neighbors and creep out people on an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students, Usenet posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes to change a lightbulb

5. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter?

6. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with virii. Try: http://www.norton.com/. And even then, don't forward it. We don't care.

7. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, you're probably going to Hell.

8. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off the "HTML encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and don't care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.

9. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ">" that begineach line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times - we've probably already seen it.

10.Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is also no longer a "little boy" either.

-=========================================-

Some years ago, on Times Square in NYC, I observed a
native American, in full Indian regalia, feather head dress,
buckskin clothes, etc.

As a pretty woman would walk by, he would raise his right
hand, in an Indian greeting, and say " Wanna ".

I watched this ritual for about 20 minutes, and I became more
curious as he kept making these greetings.  Finally, I couldn't
resist any longer.  I went up to the native American, and said,
" I have been watching you, and I am confused.  I thought that
Indians say  "How "

He turned to me, obviously quite annoyed, and said...
"ME KNOW HOW...ME TRYING TO FIND WOMAN WHO WANNA!!"

-=========================================-

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized
his boat.  He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him
clinging to the overturned craft.  Spotting an old beachcomber
standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators
around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About
halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin,'" the beachcomber said.

"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

-=========================================-

        WANNA DATE MY DAUGHTER       
             - Submitted by William Conway
      -------------------------------
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my 
girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting 
to place my hands on his daughter's chest.  He would open 
the door and immediately affect ma good-naturedly murderous 
expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt 
like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad.  Remembering 
how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, 
I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse.  
My motto:  wilt them in the living room and they'll stay 
wilted all night.

"So," I'll call out jovially.  "I see you have your nose pierced.  
Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR 
stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into 
two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One:  If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd 
better be delivering a package, because you're sure as 
heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two:  You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  
You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything 
below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of 
my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:  I am aware that it is considered fashionable 
for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that 
they appear to be falling off their hips.  Please don't take 
this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are 
complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded 
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come 
to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten 
sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, In order to 
assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during 
the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my 
electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in 
place around your waist.

Rule Four:  I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, 
sex mithout utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can 
kill you.  Let me elaborate:  when it comes to sex, 
I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five:  In order for us to get to know each other, we 
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the 
day.  Please do not do this.  The only information I require 
from you is an indication of when you expect to have my 
daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need 
from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:  I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with 
many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with 
me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once 
you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to 
date no one but her until she is finished with you.  
If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven:  As you stand in my front hallway, waiting 
for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, 
do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the 
movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting 
on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting 
the Golden Gate Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, 
why don't you do something useful, like changing the 
oil in my car?

Rule Eight:  The following places are not appropriate for 
a date with my daughter:  Places where there are beds, 
sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.  Places 
where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.  
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, 
holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient 
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear 
shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other 
than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped 
up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic 
or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature 
chainsaws are okay.  Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs 
and find me attempting to get her date to recite these 
eight  simple rules from memory.  I'd be embarrassed too--
there are only eight of them, for crying out loud!  And, 
for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins 
that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't 
remember them.  (I checked into it and the cost is 
prohibitive.)  I merely told him that I thought writing 
the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate
--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably 
a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's 
would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out 
of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had 
violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run 
through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I 
was being so hard on the boy.  "Don't you remember being 
that age?"  she challenged.

Of course I remember.  Why do you think I came up 
with the eight simple rules?

-=========================================-

During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff 
occured along the front. For days and days neither side made 
any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea. 

He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey 
Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general 
shot him dead. This continued for three days. 

A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and 
decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!" 

An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The 
Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....

-=========================================-

A Marine walks in the restroom and sees a Sailor standing at the
urinal, fussing with the thirteen buttons on his pants.

The Marine says, "It must be a pain in the ass to have to mess
with all those buttons every time you take a piss."

The sailor replies, "Yes it is! If I were a Marine, all I'd have
to do is take off my hat."To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 10/12/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Poll: Should I send out _long_ or _short_ digests?

Your welcome to ignore this, if you wish. I'd just like to know whether the people on the list would rather have the jokes sent less frquently, and in longer format (sorta like it is now), or more often, and in a shorter format.
The more frequently I send, the newer the stuff will be.

I'd appreciate your feedback on this, so please respond.

	-= Shalom

-=========================================-

I have a job that processes book orders that people have placed by mail.
Sometimes, the books ordered tell a whole story in and of themselves.
Here are three that have kept us laughing:

One order for two books-
	1. "How to win every argument"
	2. "Conversations with God"

Another order-
	"For My Only True Love"
	Note-please send three copies

Last order for four books-
	"Getting along with mean people"
	"How not to be mean"
	"How to stay lovers for life"-two copies please

-=========================================-

FAMOUS QUOTES
In The end, it's all politics
===============================

1. "Public media should not contain explicit or implied 
descriptions of sex acts. Our society should be purged 
of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic 
material while pretending it has some redeeming social
value under the public's 'right to know!'."
    -- Kenneth Starr, 1987,  Sixty Minutes 
      interview with Diane Sawyer


2. From the editorial page of the Arkansas Gazette

 "Yes, the president should resign.  He's lied to the 
American people time and time again and betrayed their 
trust.  Since he has admitted guilt, there's no
reason to put the American people through an impeachment.  
He will serve absolutely no purpose in finishing out 
his term.  The only possible solution is for the president 
to save some dignity and resign."

This is a quote during the Nixon investigation 
by William Jefferson Clinton.
He should heed his own advice.

-=========================================-

* Reading, Pa., county controller Judith Kraines complained at a
commissioners' meeting in January about having to type letters
and do other business on a typewriter because her computer was
old and no one had been able to get it to work for two years.  "If
we had a computer," she said, "letters would go out faster."
Three days later, she announced that the computer she was
complaining about in fact had not been plugged in to any
electrical outlet and that when the plug was inserted and the
computer was turned on, it worked fine.
(This was luser of the year, but no potential replacement has come in
for this year.)

-=========================================-

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the
metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory
birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the
Washington  Biological Survey, abbreviated:
 
Wash.  Biol.  Surv.
 
until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
 
"Dear Sirs:
 
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow.
I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell
you, it was horrible."
 
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

-=========================================-

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT!! 
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the
car.  After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice
your eyes are bloodshot.  Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but
notice your eyes are glazed.  Have you been eating doughnuts?"
(THANKS TO: Rick Estep @ Humor From The Edge)

-=========================================-

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives
at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down
at the Guiness brewery..." 

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.  "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda.  Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair
by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept
for many minutes.  Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" 

"It was terrible, Brenda.  He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and
drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus!  But you must tell me true, Tim.  Did he at least go
quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda......no."

"No?" 

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee." 

-=========================================-

A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town.  While walking through
the streets, a car was involved in an accident.  As expected a large crowd
gathered.  Going by instinct, the lawyer was anxious to get to the
injured, but he couldn't get near the car.  Being a clever sort, he
started shouting loudly, "Let me through!  Let me through!  I am the son
of the victim."

The crowd made way for him.  Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

-=========================================-

[ed: There really hasn't been any good jokes lately, so here a list of quotes]


I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
               -- Groucho Marx


There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in 
the streets? 
               -- Dick Cavett


Today's sensitive male has learned to share in open frank 
discussions about relationships like, "Where the hell did 
you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?" 
               -- Lewis Grizzard


After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something 
that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.' 
               -- Ronnie Shakes


We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard 
to remain stupid.
               -- Benjamin Franklin


Live long and prosper. - Vulcan proverb
and eat well.          - Jewish addendum to Vulcan proverb
feast on your enemies! - Klingon interpretation of Jewish 
                         addendum to Vulcan proverb


To the man who only has a hammer, everything he encounters begins 
to look like a nail.
               -- Abraham H. Maslow


"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and 
it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This 
is a terrible thing for the Padres!"

               -- Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer


Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
               -- Steve Landesberg

-=========================================-

Boss:  I notice you go out and get your hair cut during business
hours.

Employee:  My hair grows during business hours.

Boss:  But it doesn't all grow during business hours.

Employee:  I didn't get it all cut.

-=========================================-

[ed: Here are some CONFIRMED (by CNN or authorities) Darwin Award nominees]

"Darwin Awards are dedicated to those idiots who were dumb enough to take themselves out of the gene pool."

1. "This is a little late, but amusing none the less. This is a story about an idiot in Oceanside California, Late December 96. The URL is the
newspaper clipping, But it doesn't tell everything. This guy goes to a Hometown Buffet with probably 6 or 7 police/sheriff's cars in the
parking lot, There was some training on Camp Pendleton and probably 15-20 Federal and State law enforcement agent had carpooled to
the restaurant for dinner. Well, our hero, walks past all the cop cars in front, inside the restaurant, and attempts to rob it. The table closest all
stands up and draws on him, and the rest of the marshals at the nearby tables move for cover, and they tell the man to drop the gun etc.,
numb nuts gets a flash of courage or whatever, and gets capped. I was a Marine at Camp Pendleton at the time, and my roommate worked
there, he wasn't working the night of the incident, but I talked to two of his coworkers the next week who were there that night, they all had a
good laugh over this guy."

 #########

2. A Brazilian thief was killed when the grenade he was carrying blew up in his hands while he was being pursued by police, authorities said.
Police said Omar da Silva Firmo, 36, was killed instantly when he tried to hurl the grenade at policemen who were chasing him and three
accomplices after they robbed a bank in Guarulhos, 12 miles (20 KM) northeast of Sao Paulo, of about $28,000. ``It was a tragedy, but he
dropped it on himself,'' police investigator Roberto Moreira da Silva said. Firmo's three accomplices were captured and suffered minor
injuries, police reported.

 #########

3. As of March 2, 1998

Body of pyromaniac discovered in burned-out stolen van By Meredith Raine TRIBUNE-REVIEW (PITTSBURGH)

Randall Nestor had played with fire before. In the late 1980s, the Lawrenceville man was convicted on multiple counts of car theft and
arson, Pittsburgh police Comdr. Dom Costa said Tuesday.

"He was notorious for this sort of thing," Costa said. "Randy was always prone to trouble. He'd steal cars, strip them, then set them on fire
and push them over the hill."

On Sunday, police discovered the body of the 28-year-old Nestor in a burned-out van that had been hot-wired and driven to Gold Way in
Oakland.

In those early morning hours after he left a Ross Township bar, police said, Nestor apparently stole the van, removed musical equipment,
then planned to set the van ablaze and abandon it before the flames became too intense.

But he couldn't escape the fire.

There was no handle on the inside of the driver's side door. Nestor was overcome by smoke before he could escape another way, Sgt.
Paul Marraway of the city homicide division said.

Two men who were following Nestor watched the flames build in the back of the van, Marraway said. They tried to help Nestor, but the van
doors were locked.

The Allegheny County Coroner's Office ruled that Nestor died from smoke inhalation.

"It's sad to say, but you live by the sword and die by the sword," Costa said.

Nestor's family couldn't be reached yesterday.

Costa said Sunday wasn't the first time Nestor had set a stolen vehicle on fire while driving it.

"He took a car once and was driving it down Butler Street while it was on fire," Costa said. "Somebody testified to that in court."

Sometimes Nestor even used an accelerant to fuel the fire, Costa said. Police are investigating whether the van stolen Sunday was doused
with flammable liquids before it was set ablaze.

Costa was assigned to the city's arson squad in the late 1980s when he came to know Nestor and his pyromaniacal tendencies.

"I asked him once why he set the cars on fire, and he told me he thought it helped the owners collect their insurance money," Costa said.

A little more than a year ago, Nestor asked Costa if he would give him a reference for a job as a mechanic.

Costa said he took that as a sign that after almost a decade of run-ins with police, Nestor was trying to turn his life around.

"I thought he'd learned his lesson," Costa said. "Guess I was wrong."

Marraway said Nestor and two or three other men stole the van shortly after 2 a.m. Sunday from Oregon Bar on Babcock Boulevard in Ross
Township.

The men unloaded roughly $10,000 worth of band equipment from the van before Nestor died in the fire, Marraway said.

The stolen equipment was recovered at the residence of one of the men suspected in the theft, he said.

Ross Township police are investigating the case, and will decide whether to charge the men who were with Nestor the night he died.

Diane Schaub
 
[ed: This was getting a *little* long, so I'm continuing it next issue.]
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 15/10/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

[continued from last week...]

4. I have been the prosecuting attorney in Kettering Ohio for 23 years. within the past 3 years the following have occurred: young man enters an all night convenience store with a starter's pistol which is capable of only shooting blanks, and which was in fact loaded with .22 cal blanks. the store clerk jumped the would-be robber and wrestled the gun away from him. the clerk then held the bad guy at gun point (the starter pistol) until the police were summoned. the robber reportedly begged the clerk "please don't shoot!"

 #########

5. (The following is taken verbatim from our local newspaper "The Pacific Daily News" a Gannet Newspaper. 3/24/98 edition p 9)

MANILA - A World War II bomb dug up by treasure hunters exploded Sunday when the men pounded on it with a hammer to try to open it. Five people were killed, officials said. Police said the men dug up the bomb along with empty bomb shells last month in the town of Teresa in Rizal province, 22 miles east of Manila. The men stored the two-foot bomb and shells in a house. They tried to open the explosive by pounding on it with a hammer, police and local radio said.

Maybe they should of tried a blow torch instead??

 #########

6. Friend of mine was in the Air Force, and happened to be stationed at one of the ICBM bases out in Kansas or somewhere. Anyway, one day during some routine maintenance, a guy working in the silo was testing out the manual release on the silo doors. Well, if you consider how big these doors are and how heavy solid concrete is... well, you get the idea. The method they use to manually open these doors is basically a large (read: fucking HUGE) bolt attached to the door mechanism. To move this bolt, you need what amounts to a really, really big ratchet. These ratchets have really, really, really big sockets. Apparently all was not going well for the poor guy, who was struggling to get the ratchet to budge the nut when the whole contraption slipped out of his hands. Mind you, he's standing on top of the silo at this point. The socket comes loose, and falls down the silo. Pretty heavy socket. Pretty big hole it rips in the side of the missile... down around the bottom 1/3 of the missile. Which was full of fuel. Which is now leaking out of the missile at a rather fast rate.

OK, picture time. We've got one (closed) missile silo, with hundreds of thousands of gallons of (highly flammable) rocket fuel spilling out, filling up the silo. Now, these rockets aren't made with the thickest skin on them (engineers can't be expected to plan for people carelessly dropping sockets down large holes, I don't imagine) so when all the fuel escapes, you're left with the heavy warhead at the top of the missile. The fuel acts as a kind of stabilizing agent with the pressure pressing on the metal... take away that pressure, and the missile might collapse on itself.

Fumes start overtaking the area, so everyone evacuates the silo. As the chain of command starts working and more people become aware of the situation at hand, it just so happens one of the Air Force's generals is on location for one reason or another. He learns of the incident, and immediately assumes command of the potentially nuclear situation.

He instructs four individuals to suit up (with protective gear to save them from the toxic fumes of the fuel) and 'go in there'. Keeping in contact via 2-way radio from a 'safe' distance (mind you there is a nuke in there!) he has the team relay what they see. As they enter the silo, the can hardly see because the fumes are so thick... when one mentions something about the exhaust fan they can turn on... the general thinks this is a great idea and tells the team to find the switch and turn on the fan... a short while later they locate the switch, flick it, and *poof*! No more team.

You see, when you complete a circuit with a light switch, many times you get a spark... although very small, it was enough to light the fumes....

Which was enough to reach the big pool of fuel at the bottom of the silo.

Which created such an explosion, the 2' thick concrete doors on the silos were blown off. Some parts as far away as 2 miles.

Fortunately, the nuke didn't go off. (I'd guess it'd have to be

 #########

7. Corona, California

Early one morning, about 2am, the California Highway Patrol is doing its rounds. As the officer is taking the interchange ramp from the 91 freeway eat onto the I15 north, he sees a large hole in the concrete barrier.

You have to understand that this is a massive freeway interchange with the highest ramp over 175 feet above the ground with various industrial buildings below. The curved ramp in question is about 100 feet high with the Santa Fe Railway mainline running beneath.

The officer quickly stops, turns on his flashers, and backs up to where the hole is. He gets out of his patrol car, walks over to the edge and see's a burning motorcycle laying next to the railroad tracks.

Reinforcements were called, and shortly thereafter began arriving below at the scene of the "accident". The investigation begins as soon as the fire department extinguished the motorcycle and it quickly begins apparent that there is no body to found anywhere. The police went as far as searching the roofs of nearby building just in case there was, in fact, a body to be found.

No carcass was to be found anywhere and it was about to be written up as a creative way of abandoning an unwanted motorcycle.

Four days later the highway patrol receives a call from the Santa Fe Railway. Some Santa Fe employees in a railroad yard had found a broken body on top of a train clothed in riding leathers and a motorcycle helmet...

According the the official California Highway Patrol report, our Darwin Award nominee was cruising along on his motorcycle doing about 150-170 mph . As he was going around the curved ramp from the 91 freeway east to I15 north, he lost control and went through the concrete barrier plunging to his death about 100 feet below. Upon impacting the roof about midway through a moving freight train, our Darwin nominees body shattered and the motorcycle exploded and bounced to the ground where it was found. This was explained by the large dent in the roof of the railcar.

This one is very true because I have read the railroads official report on the incident. I travel across this ramp quite often and the concrete patch job on the barrier is quite visible. I always get a good laugh when I see it.

What made me think of this again and write it up was an event that occurred just this Saturday night, June 13, 1998.

I was headed home about 11:45pm this Saturday night when I had to detour around the ramp from the I15 north to the 91 east because it had been blocked off by the CHP. I saw the flashing red lights of some fire trucks next to a broken barrier.

I learned on the news this Sunday morning that I had been inconvenienced by the two latest Darwin Nominees. Seems that two teenagers (ages 14 and 16) had stolen a motorcycle and launched themselves of this ramp at about 100 mph. They impacted a wall of a factory. The scenes they showed on the news of the wall were quite bloody. The ironic thing is that it was the wall of a pillow factory.

These were teenagers so they qualify for the Darwin Award since they did not have the opportunity to reproduce. I have not seen this in my local paper so if someone with the resources would please confirm it.

 #########

8. PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly -- and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen sometimes -- a billion-to-one shot, at least."

 #########

9. Associated Press, 06/12/98 12:50

OSLO, Norway (AP) - A woman imitating Rose's deckside suicide try in the Oscar-winning ``Titanic'' lost her grip on a ferry's railing and plunged into the ocean off western Sweden, a newspaper reported Friday.

The woman vanished and is presumed dead, Oslo's Dagbladet newspaper said. She was identified only as a Norwegian in her 30s.

 #########

10. In the early spring of 1994, a man and a rented steam roller had a meeting. Our local genius, in or near Ashtabula if I remember right, had finished his work and was loading this multi-ton piece of equipment back onto its' trailer. Once he got to the ground he was dissatisfied with its' placement and attempted to adjust it. From the ground. Yes, he reached up from the ground and tried to operate the steam roller from where he could see where it sat on the trailer. He really should have paid more attention to the controls. He actually managed to drive the machine off the trailer and onto himself. I think he was trying to back it up and accidently knocked it into drive or vice versa but I can't remember exactly.

-=========================================-

LAWYER:  Did you ever sleep with him in New York? 
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question. 
LAWYER:  Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago? 
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question. 
LAWYER:  Did you ever sleep with him in Miami? 
WITNESS: No. 


LAWYER:  So, after the anesthetic, when you came out of it, what did
         you observe with respect to your scalp? 
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. 
LAWYER:  It was covered? 
WITNESS: Yes.  Bandaged. 
LAWYER:  Then, later on, what did you see? 
WITNESS: I had a skin graft.  My whole buttocks and leg were removed
         and put on top of my head. 


CLERK:   Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..." 
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God." 
CLERK:   "That the evidence that I give..." 
WITNESS: That's right. 
CLERK:   Repeat it. 
WITNESS: "Repeat it". 
CLERK:   No!  Repeat what I said. 
WITNESS: What you said when? 
CLERK:   "That the evidence that I give..." 
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give." 
CLERK:   "Shall be the truth and..." 
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth! 
CLERK:   Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..." 
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know. 
CLERK:   We can appreciate that.  Just repeat after me: "Shall be the
         truth and..." 
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and." 
CLERK:   Say: "Nothing...". 
WITNESS: (Witness remains silent.) 
CLERK:   No!  Don't say nothing.  Say: "Nothing but the truth..." 
WITNESS: Yes. 
CLERK:   Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
CLERK:   Well?  Do so. 
WITNESS: You're confusing me. 
CLERK:   Just say: "Nothing but the truth..." 
WITNESS: Is that all? 
CLERK:   Yes. 
WITNESS: Okay.  I understand. 
CLERK:   Then say it. 
WITNESS: What? 
CLERK:   "Nothing but the truth..." 
WITNESS: But I do!  That's just it. 
CLERK:   You must say: "Nothing but the truth..." 
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth! 
CLERK:   Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But",
         "The", "Truth". 
WITNESS: What?  You mean, like, now? 
CLERK:   Yes!  Now.  Please.  Just say those four words. 
WITNESS: "Nothing.  But.  The.  Truth." 
CLERK:   Thank you. 
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar. 

-=========================================-

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake.  Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize."

To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 10/16/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Hello again! I'd just like to thank those who answered my question, and
I'd REALLY like to thank those who didn't. 
So I'm going to start shortening the digest. It will be about 1/3 or 1/4 of 
what it used to be.

	-= Shalom

-=========================================-

At my University's Student center Bathrooms:
"If you see four feet instead of two under the 
bathroom door, please notify it immediately to 
the University Police."
   -joohh

********
Seen on a truck:
"I am as smart as a horse 
and hung like Einstein!"
   -Kathryn J. Davis

********
In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey
"Our School:
Commitment 
Responsibility 
Attitude 
Persistance."
   -Josh Forman

********
Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: 
"Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a 
person right into to a cemetery.
   -Karen Case

********
A sign in the local opportunity shop says, 
"If your going to steal, then smile for the camera."
   -Michael Silcock

********
While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing 
on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a 
ign that read "Will work for food." If he had only looked up, 
he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly a
bove him read "Now hiring."
   -James Kelly

********
A sign on the backbar-
Earl's Bar-Indiana
"A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey's monkey."
   -Jorj Maharg 

********
At an office:
"This job is only a test 
had it been an actual job, 
you would have recieved 
raises,bonses and promotions."
   -Alicia Villarrea

********
SEEN ON A BILBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY:
"Caution: objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers ed."
   -LTLRDNK

-=========================================-

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

The Answer:

Don't ever say that I shy away from the tough questions. If
ever there was a man who wasn't afraid to tackle the
questions that have perplexed humanity for centuries it's
your buddy Tom. Today's trivia is just another example of
that commitment.

According to scientists, the chicken evolved from the
archaeopteryx (AHR-kee-OP-tar-ix), the creature said to be
the evolutionary transition between reptiles and birds.
Since this animal existed before the chicken and since it
laid eggs, the egg came first.
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 10/19/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Scientists at NASA developed a gun specifically to launch dead
chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets, and the
space shuttle.  The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents
of collisions with airborne fowl and to test the strength of the
windshields in collisions at maximum velocity.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it
on the windshields of their new high speed trains.  Appropriate
intergovernmental arrangements were made and the gun was shipped
to England.  But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked
as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the
"shatterproof" shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through
the control console, snapped the engineers backrest in two and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked
the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence:

     "Thaw the chicken."

-=========================================-

[ed: this is a little lame, but I'm a die-hard Star Wars fan]

It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few
beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July." He
was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a
cruise.

Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from
her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap
because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway,
the appointment went over time, and Opie was late getting to the
marina.

Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he
saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the
side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got
there just in time to grab Luke.

.. . . Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from
falling to the dock side of the Fourth.
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 10/21/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip
to Louisiana.  He immediately sent an e-mail back to his wife, Jean.
Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to
a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who just passed away.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.
When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message,
which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

-=========================================-

As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to
take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was
discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely
interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the
lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does
physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied
the professor.

-=========================================-


"Silent Cal" Coolidge may have been the least voluble
of all U.S. presidents.  He was very well known to be
a man of few words.

Once, a reporter said to him: "I have a wager on with
the boys back at the paper, who bet me I couldn't get
you to say three words to me!"

Coolidge: "You lose."
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 10/22/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the
first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the actual
"first page" of the Bible. When deciphered, it read:
"Copyright (c) 300 B.C. God. All Rights Reserved First scrawling
First-Sunrise-After-Stonehenge-Keystone-Is-Shadowed, 300 B.C.
All beings, places and events depicted in this work are fictional, and any
resemblance to actual beings, places and events past, present or future is
purely coincidental.

WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are dangerous and
should only be attempted by professionals familiar with the action in
question.

NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark are called
'stars'. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In no way should this be
construed as a sign that there is, beneath such an explosion, any form of
saviour. Should such a misconstrual happen, the author will not be held
responsible for the avalanche of arrogance, zeal, bigotry, humanocentricity
and other vile acts which will surely follow the residents of the planet
into time eternal until someone sees fit to erase the denizens of the
world and let the author start over.

-=========================================-

Is it true that a duck's quack doesn't echo?

The Answer:

This one has myth written all over it, but you'd be amazed
by how many emails I get suggesting that I amaze my readers
with the "fact" that a duck's quack won't echo. How absurd.

It's true that sound waves can cancel each other out. It's
called "destructive interference" and it happens when sound
waves of the same amplitude collide in such a way that the
maximum positive amplitude of one wave coincides with the
maximum negative amplitude of the other wave. But how could
this consistently happen with all quacks and echoes in
uncontrolled situations? It can't and it doesn't.

To verify that a duck's quack does echo (can you believe
that people had to actually take the time to debunk this
foolishness), two Michigan researchers grabbed a duck and
took it to an environment that's conductive to reflective
sound. When the duck quacked, as expected, the sound echoed.

(Sources: THE STRAIGHT DOPE column by Cecil Adams and The
Concise Columbia Encyclopedia)
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 10/27/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

(JAPAN) More than 13,000 people formed a nearly 9-mile
long human chain around a U.S. military base in Okinawa on
Sunday to dramatize their demands for the return of land on
the southern island.

Although intimidated by the demonstration, base officials took
the opportunity to test the theory of electrical conductivity by
wiring the human chain to a series of arc welders.

In related news, bewildered commanders had no explanation
for a massive cloud of acrid smoke above the U.S. military
base in Okinawa.

-=========================================-

What's the origin of the coin toss?

The Answer:

Ever notice how handy a coin can be in making a tough
decision. Have a dispute with a friend over who should get
his way? Well just toss a coin in the air and when it comes
down you'll have your answer. Heads you win, tails he loses
(or something like that).

Today we generally use a coin toss to decide trivial
matters, but it originated as a way of making major
decisions. Centuries ago, before the Magic 8 Ball, the
Ouija board, and advice columnists, people used to believe
that important decisions should be left up to the gods. To
get the gods' opinions, they devised all sorts of clever
methods.

One of these methods was the coin toss. The idea behind the
toss is that after you throw the coin in the air, the gods
will make sure that the proper side lands upright.

-=========================================-

A man showed some friends his apartment. One guest asked "What's that big
brass basin for?"

"That's the talking clock," answered the man. He gave it an ear shattering
pound with a hammer. Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall
screamed, "Knock it off!  Don't you know that it's 2 a.m., you idiot?"
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 10/27/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside close
to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of
their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship
or personal affection.

     One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning
paper and turns to the 'Obits' page.

     He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in
the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local
newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event.
He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database,
premature and erroneous..

     It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up.  "Jake,
are you up yet?"

     Jake sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my
coffee."

"Jake. open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"

"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"

"Jake, open the paper to page 31 already!"
"All right, don't be such a pain in the butt so early in the morning
already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"

"Jake, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"

"Jake, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"

     The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause
ensues. Finally, Jake comes on the line quietly and fearfully,
"So Saul, where are you calling me from right now?"

-=========================================-

Why do little kids always ask stupid questions like, "Why is the sky blue?"
Don't they know anything?  Stupid little kids!  You don't see me asking
pointless questions.  --Jamie Bronstad

Like my father always said:  "Laugh, and the world laughs with you.  Cry,
and I'll give you something to cry about, you little bastard."  --Isaac
Hodnett

If I ever got to drive a 'Big Rig' truck, I think it would be fun to sleep
in those back bunks, but I bet it would be even more fun to watch the truck
careen driverless down the highway.  --Kermit Woodall

If all rain were acid rain, I'd re-write that song, "Singing in the Rain",
and call it "Screaming in the Rain."  --Steven Sugg

I saw this crowd of people the other day and about half of them were women.
I mean, what are the odds of that?  They gotta be like one in two.  --Mark
Niebuhr

I think probably the best place to be during an earthquake would be
bungie-jumping.  --Andrea Judson

Women:  Ya can't live with 'em, ya... well, I guess I probably could live
with 'em.  I think I've only got half a problem here.  --Eryk Nielsen

Sometimes when it's raining really, really hard outside and I'm inside, I
want to find the guy who invented buildings and give him a big kiss.  Not a
big wet kiss, though, because that would defeat the purpose.  --R.M. Weiner

My wife gave me a nose hair clipper for my birthday.  I guess she finally
realized that wasn't a moustache.  --Lee Entrekin

Is it just me, or does "once upon a time" sound intentionally vague?
--Alisa Meadows

The other day I was narrowly missed a head-on collision with another car,
and just like they say, my life flashed before my eyes.  Now I carry a big
bag of popcorn in my car for just such occasions.  --Chris Collins

Every time I go to a restaurant that serves chicken fingers or buffalo
wings, I think, "Man, here's yet another example of genetic engineering
gone terribly awry."  --Dave Henry

Sometimes while I'm sitting in the dark just a-rockin' with the headphones
on, I think, "Man, I should get a stereo so I can plug these things in."
--Bill Ervin

What makes me tick?  I don't know, but the noise is driving me nuts.
--Michael Hayward

You can tell a lot about a man from the kind of underwear he wears.  Like
the guy who wears silk boxers on his head -- that guy's probably nuts.
--Paul Paternoster
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 10/29/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by 
Representative Dick Armey, who when asked if he were in the 
President's place, would he resign, responded....  

"If I were in the President's place I would not get a chance to resign. 
I would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey 
standing over me saying, 'How do I reload this damn thing?'"  

-=========================================-


A truck driver who has been delivering radio-active waste 
for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on 
the job. He then seeks to be compensated for this ailment. 
Appearing at the workers' compensation department, he 
is interviewed by an assessor. The assessor asks several 
questions in relation to the claim. 

Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and 
wish to claim compensation. 

Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. 

Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures 
to protect you from radiation poisoning? 

Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. 

Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? 

Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined. 

Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? 

Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. 

Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead 
suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is 
kept in a lead container. 

Trucker: Yeah, that's right all lead 

Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against 
him for radiation poisoning. 

Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.

-=========================================-

ON HAIRDRYER INSTRUCTIONS:
Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.  Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP, IT SAYS:
Directions:  Use like regular soap.

I HAVE A FROZEN DINNER AT HOME THAT READS:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
Fits one head.

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESSERT
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
Product will be hot after heating

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
Do not iron clothes on body

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE
Do not drive car or operate machinery

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID)
Warning: may cause drowsiness

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
Warning keep out of children

ON A STRING OF CHINESE-MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
Not to be used for the other use

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS
Warning: contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 10/31/98
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This is suppose to be a true story… well they say fact is stranger then
fiction.

It was a typical cold night outside Fairbanks, Alaska, when Officer Mike

Smith noticed a car’s headlights peering out from a roadside snowbank—
a fairly routine sight in Alaska in the winter.  Smith lit a flare and
started
down to give assistance.  Then he realized that the inebriated driver
had
no idea he was wedged into an embankment.  He must have thought he
was in a heck of a blizzard because he was staring intently at the snow
ahead, driving for all he was worth.  His foot was on the gas, and the
rear tires were spinning as the car slid slightly from side to side.

Smith couldn’t resist:  He positioned himself just behind the driver’s
side window and began to run in place.  He rapped on the glass with
his flashlight.

The driver did a perfect double take and sped up;  so did Smith.
Sprinting in place, Smith again tapped the window.  This time the
driver relented and "stopped" his car.

When the driver’s case came before the magistrate, the judge asked,
"Are you guilty as charged?"

The man looked forlornly at the judge and said,
"I must be, your honor.  The officer chased me down on foot!"

-=========================================-

Question:
        Why do computer programmers confuse Hallowe'en and Christmas?
Answer:
        Because oct31=dec25.

-=========================================-

CONFUCIUS SAY:

"Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who run in front of car get
tired."

"Passionate kiss like spider web - soon lead to undoing of fly."

"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"

"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."

"Man who walk through airport turnstile backwards going to Bangkok."

"Man who do business in whorehouse get jerked around."

"Baseball wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk!"

"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."

"War not determine who right. War determine who left."

"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse."

"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"

"It take many nail to build crib, but one screw to fill it."

"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"

"Man who live in glass house should change in basement."

"Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with solution in hand"

"Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs."To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 11/3/98
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The village busybody and supervisor of village morals, accused
a workman of having reverted to drink because "with her own
eyes" she had seen his pick-up truck parked outside the village
tavern.

The accused made no defense, but that evening he parked his
truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

-=========================================-

SHORT FINAL...
We can't verify this story, but it seems that aircrews are getting more
resourceful about supplementing their incomes...

An AVweb reader reports that, while sitting in the upper deck business
class front seat of a Cathay Pacific 747 in Taipei, the following
announcement was heard over the cabin PA system: "Ladies and gentlemen,
we are overbooked and are offering anyone $1,000 plus a seat on the next
flight in exchange for their seat on this flight."

After a short pause, the offer was loudly accepted by someone in the
cockpit.

-=========================================-

Rumor has it that FedEx and UPS are in secret negotiations to merge
after the strike is settled -- the new company will be known as "FedUp."

Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape. ...
Net'n'yahoo. ... It didn't work out because they were afraid they would
have to relocate the headquarters ... Intel Aviv.

There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner
Brothers, and Keebler.  It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 11/4/98
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Why is blue considered a boy's color?

The Answer:

Blue is considered a boy's color because our ancestors were
deathly afraid of evil spirits!

To prevent these spirits from entering the bodies of their
male children, parents dressed them in blue. Blue was
chosen because it's the color of the sky and was therefore
associated with heavenly spirits.

Girls weren't dressed in blue, apparently because people
didn't think that evil spirits would bother with them.
Eventually, however, girls did get their own color: pink.
Pink was chosen because of an old English legend which said
that girls were born inside of pink roses.

(Sources: EVER WONDER WHY? by Douglas Smith and
IMPONDERABLES by David Feldman)

-=========================================-

The doctor entered the waiting room.

"I have some good news for you, Mrs. Douglas."

"Pardon me," she interrupted, "but it's Miss."

"The doctor said, "I have some bad news for you, Miss Douglas."

-=========================================-

One difference between man and beast is that in the jungle there is no
group called Predators for the Ethical Treatment of Prey.  --Jim Rosenberg

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.  They left
a little note on the windscreen which said, "Parking Fine."  --Tommy Cooper

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.  Teach a man to fish and he's
always asking to borrow your bass boat.  --Bill Hewins

If I owned a ceiling fan company, I would have a model called the "Dion"
because then you could own the ceiling Dion fan.  You got to jump on these
things when the market is hot.  --Richard Marek

I remember the days of youth -- running through fields of clover, barefoot
and carefree; playing in the rain, naked and innocent; riding with my head
out the window of my parents' car, the wind blowing through my hair... no,
wait... that was my dog, Cookie.  I was the one who had to stay after
school and finish my math homework.  Yeah, I remember now...  --Lee
Entrekin

If these walls could talk, they'd probably say, "No!  Not the nails again!
Not the hammer!  NOT THE HAMMER!!!!"  --Jennifer A. Ford
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 11/5/98
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Two guys trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are
two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball
everywhere but where it's supposed to go.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we play
through?"
The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back.
The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my
mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."
He gets about halfway there and comes back.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "Small world."

-=========================================-

The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still
not decided what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano
solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with
anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells
her, he has worked out his act.

Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall
and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to
a rapturous applause...

Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to
the delight of the audience.

Finally, out comes Johhny, in a checked shirt, and bib overalls.
He steps up to the microphone and says...

"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I
visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my
impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm.
Here is the first....'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'"

-=========================================-

The following are from actual company memos or remarks to the press:

"As of tomorrow, employess will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards.  Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks." - (Microsoft Corp.)

"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." -
(Lykes Lines manager)

"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it." - (United Parcel Service Advertising/marketing)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day.  We've been working
on it for months.  Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know
when it's time to tell them." - (3M Research and Development)

"Teamwork is alot of people doing what I say." - (Citrix Systems, Inc,
Marketing Executive)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees." - (AT&T Long Lines Division)
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 11/6/98
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[From alt.sysadmin.recovery, with the ">" chars removed:]

Hmm, now there's an idea for a computer security class:

Instructor:  "Your grade is stored on this ostensibly secure
system.  Your grade will be whatever you can change it to by the
end of finals week.

All of your grades are currently 'F'."

-=========================================-

Can you tell how a general died from a statue of him on
horseback?

The Answer:

According to popular belief, if a general is depicted on
horseback in a statue, you can tell how he died by the
number of the horse's legs that are above ground. If the
horse is depicted with no legs in the air, then the rider
died of natural causes. If the statue shows one of the
horse's legs in the air, then the general was wounded in
battle. If the horse had two legs in the air, then the
rider died in battle.

As valid as this belief sounds, there doesn't seem to be
any truth to it. In researching whether such a code exists,
Ed Zotti, author of the trivia book KNOW IT ALL, pulled
pictures of horse statues from all over the world and
compared the way the rider died with the number of legs his
statue's horse had in the air. Zotti's research showed that
there was absolutely no connection between the two. So much
for that belief.

(Source: KNOW IT ALL by Ed Zotti)

-=========================================-

YOUR HELP IS NEEDED!!
I saw a report recently, about how gravity, which is a nonrenewable
resource, is gradually diminishing. Top scientists agree...  "With the
present rate of consumption, the earth's supply of gravity will be
exhausted before the 24th century."

There is a direct link between the vanishing of the ozone layer and
decrease in the earth's gravity supply. We're already seeing the effects
of the disappearance of the ozone layer, but we're not likely to see the
effects of vanishing gravity during our lifetimes. However, our children
will probably have to deal with the issue.

It is interesting to think of some of the results science has yet to
consider. The obvious impact will be on engineering (like keeping bridges
and buildings weighted down), but what about sports? Breaking records for
the high jump will become easier. Football kicks will likely grow longer
and an 82-yard field goal will not be unheard of. Limbo dancing will be
more difficult and even Louis Anderson will be able to run the hurdles.

Until scientists discover a cheaper alternative, we need to help...

PLEASE CONSERVE GRAVITY
Follow these simple suggestions: 
(1)  Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
(2)  Use tape, magnets or glue instead of paperweights.
(3)  Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like curling.
(4)  Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
(5)  Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
pile.
(6)  Stop flipping pancakes

Any other suggestions for ways to conserve this precious natural resource
will be appreciated. Please e-mail all of your gravity conservation tips
and ideas to. 

This is *not* a joke. What could be more serious? After all gravity is the
opposite of comedy! You may be laughing now, but just picture your great
grandchildren wearing safety tethers, unable to play outdoors for fear of
floating away in a wind storm. Please be gravity conscious.
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 11/7/98
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The rules at a particular university were such that if the
professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past
the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students
were free to leave -- with no penalties for missing a class.
The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks which
"jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion.
As it were, these clocks were also not of the most
sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student
discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard
erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.

So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take
target practice at the clock ( as it would have it, this
particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students
considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed
erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor
strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them
"You have 1 hour to complete".

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around
the room, gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had
successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed
the class and collected the exam papers.

Life does teach some lessons the hard way.

-=========================================-

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says,
"we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife
needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling
stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day
off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

-=========================================-

Driver Education Exam Answers 

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by
the California Department of Transportation's driving school.  

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?  
A: What for?  He can't see my license plate.  

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the
same time?  
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
"Guns don't kill people.  I do." 

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?  
A: Always wear a condom.  

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?  
A: Your car.  

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?  
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.  

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?  
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.  

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
lawfully?  
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.  

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?  
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.  

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?  
A: The color.  

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?  
A: Heavy psychedelics.  

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?  
A: Carry loaded weapons.  
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 8/11/98
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FORE! Richard Passwater, 30, of Salt Lake City, Utah, was golfing in
  Laverne, Calif. On the fourth hole, his swing clipped a fence, tearing
  off the club's head. As the shaft swung around, it pierced his lower
  abdomen; the tip came out his back. His golfing partner helped him back
  to the clubhouse, and Passwater, still fully conscious, was airlifted
  to a hospital to remove the impaled club. In good spirits afterward,
  the golfer has asked doctors to return his club. "It still has a few
  good swings left," he said. (UPI) ..."Golf is a good walk spoiled."
  --Mark Twain (1835-1910), U.S. author and humorist.

[From "THIS is TRUE for 1 November"]

-=========================================-

Excuse me sir.  Seeing as how the VP is such a VIP, shouldn't we keep
the PC on the QT, because if it leaks to the VC, he could end up 
MIA, and then we'd all be put on KP.
           -- Robin Williams in "Good Morning, Vietnam"

I never exaggerate. I just remember big.
           -- Chi Chi Rodriguez

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home 
atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of their tires.
           -- Dorothy Parker

Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the 
intelligence? There's one marked "Brightness," but it doesn't work. 
           -- Gallagher

"Why yes -- a bulletproof vest."
           -- James Rodges, his final request before the firing squad

"The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if 
they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a little."
           --Porterfield

"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did; I ought to 
know because I have done it a thousand times." 
           --Mark Twain

[From "The Daily Quote"]

-=========================================-

>>What do you suppose will happen when they find the gene responsible for
>>homosexuality and are able to detect it in the womb??  Think that might
>>impact the homo population?  Just a thought.

>Does that mean you'd suddenly support _certain_ abortions?

As a matter of fact, what would happen if they found the gene responsible for
stupidity, and based abortions on that? The Usenet population would drop like a
fuckin' stone come 2025.

[From the Usenet newsgroup alt.humor.best-of-usenet]

-=========================================-

[ed: Sorry about the mess, I had to reformat a VERY long thread...]

Here's Mr and Mrs Uxbox and their daughter Lynne. What a lovely red hat she's wearing!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome 'Chelle Script and her charming sister Pearl.

Followed closely by Mr and Mrs Larris, with their lovely daughter Sue.
She'd better be careful not to fall over with those high-heels, you can see she's having to move slowly.

The Dowes family are here - sadly not with their daughter Wyn as she crashed on the way.

Bzzt! Deviation into imaginary names.
And to compound matters please welcome Mr. and Mrs.
Tair's-Fallen-Over-Again and their son Al.

I do believe it's Mrs Quota, but I don't see her husbnd Phil. I must have gone past him a while ago.

Oooh, and who's this? It's the lovely Lyn Klist and Bubbles Ort, with their helpful friend Mac Roe!
Oh dear, what's happened to Dec Laration, limping in with his leg in a cast? He always was a dodgy type of character...

And why is Bubbles looking jealous? Ah, here comes Marge Sort, the
daughter of Mrs Gorithm and her husband Al.

Now please welcome Mr and Mrs Uptable, with their son Luke. What an
array of people we have here tonight!

[From alt.humor.best-of-usenet]
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 11/11/98
Cc: 
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I would like to send this message to my neighbors.  That wasn't an
earthquake you felt last Sunday.  I am happy to announce I now have
nuclear weapons.  --Dennis Miller

[From "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List"]

-=========================================-

Why is 13 considered an unlucky number?

The Answer:

Many people believe that fear of the number thirteen goes
back to the Last Supper. Jesus and his apostles numbered
thirteen at that meal, and within a day Jesus was
crucified. Truth is though, that this superstition predates
the Last Supper, going back at least to Norse mythology.

According to Norse tradition twelve gods were invited to a
banquet at Valhalla. Loki, the evil god, wasn't invited to
this party but crashed it anyway, bringing the number of
guests to thirteen. During the evening, Loki, always
looking to cause destruction, shot the god Balder with a
mistletoe arrow, killing a favorite of the gods.

As a result of this story, the number thirteen became a
source of anxiety for people. By the time Jesus began
preaching, the superstition had already been established,
but the Last Supper reinforced it.

(Sources: PANATI'S EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS
by Charles Panati)

[From "MailBits.com Trivia Questions"]

-=========================================-

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist (a non-
optimist) sees only the worst.  An optimist finds the positive in the 
negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.  
Let me illustrate what I mean . . .  

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.  His 
search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on 
water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of 
his friends would ever believe him.  

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist 
by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.  

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.  they fired, 
and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The 
dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to 
retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.  

The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.  

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice 
anything unusual about my new dog?"  


"I sure did," responded his friend.  "He can't swim."  

[From The "Mark Moshe Kays" List]To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 11/15/98
Cc: 
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Why is Friday the thirteenth regarded with such dread?

The Answer:

The Norse, whose mythology gave us fear of the number
thirteen, are also responsible for the anxiety over Friday
the thirteenth. Friday gets its name from Frigg, the Norse
goddess of the heavens. When Norse tribes dropped their
polytheistic religion in favor of Christianity, they began
vilifying Frigg, calling her a witch.

In their attempts to malign the goddess who used to
represent love and fertility, people began to make up
stories about her. In one tale, the deserted goddess was
said to convene weekly meetings with eleven other witches
and the devil--a total of thirteen participants. During
these meetings, which naturally took place on "Frigg's day"
or Friday, Frigg and her cohorts would hatch evil plots for
the following week.

As a result of this story, Friday became known as the
"Witches' Sabbath" and Friday the thirteenth was especially
feared.

(Sources: PANATI'S EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS
by Charles Panati)

[From "MailBits.Com Trivia Questions"]

-=========================================-

Here supposedly are true accounts of crazy deaths. We are not 
vouching for their authenticity - only their humor.

JUST PLAIN BAD LUCK
--------------------
A fierce gust of wind blew  45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a
river near Naples, Italy, in 1983.  He managed to break a window,
climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed
him.

ALWAYS LOOK BOTH WAYS
---------------------
Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the
dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on
passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.

TAKE NOVOCAINE
---------------
Walter Hallas,  a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so
afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to
cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw.  The punch caused
Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured
skull.

NEVER RETURN TO THE SCENE
--------------------------
George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly
escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one
wall.  After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene
to search for files.  The remaining wall then collapsed on him,
killing him.

POOR SUCKER
--------------
Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla
sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand
threatening to kill himself in 1981.  His wife pleaded for him not
to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the
gun to the floor.  It went off and killed his wife.

CHECK THE PULSE FIRST
-----------------------
In 1983, Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her
coffin, presumed dead of heart disease.  As mourners watched, she
suddenly sat up.  Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

FRAUD DOESN'T PAY
-------------------
A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay
back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend
he was hurt so he could collect insurance money.  The car rolled
forward and crushed him to death.

[From the "JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.COM" mailing list]
-=========================================-

The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to come to the
police station to study a lineup of five people.  He placed his suspect
at the end of the line.  Then he asked each to step forward and say,
"Give me all your money... and I need some change in quarters, nickels
and dimes."

The first four did it right.  However, when it was the last man's turn
to recite, he broke the case by blurting out, "That isn't what I said."

[From Keith Sullivan's mailing list]
-=========================================-

He--	It's coming up on your birthday and I'd like some idea of what
	you would like for your birthday.

She--	I want a divorce!!

Pause--

He--	I'm really sorry, but I hadn't planned to spend that much.

[From rec.humor.funny.reruns]
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 11/15/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
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A guy goes to see his rabbi, and tells him he desperately
wants to be a Kohain.  The rabbi gently explains to him that
it doesn't work like that.  The guy is having none of
_that_.  He pulls out his check book and says he is prepared
to make a _large_ contribution.

"Oh," says the rabbi.  "Well, that's different."

The transaction is concluded and the man is pronounced a
Kohain.  They sit down to shmooze and the rabbi asks him why
it is so important that he be a Kohain.

"Oh," says the guy.  "My father was a Kohain..."

[From "Ziggy's Joke of The Day"]
-=========================================-

On Thu, 12 Nov 1998, Kimberly Chapman wrote, without the least grovelling:
> 
> Carla Miriam Levy wrote in message ...
>>Look, some of you fellas have said enough "women do this, women do that"
>>things on this froup, and had me, or Kimberly, or JustMe, come back
>>with "well, *I* don't do that" that you ought to start to see that the
>>generalizations just don't hold up.
> 
> 'Course, Carla, we rhod chickies are pretty awesome compared to the
> normal slop of society. ;) We should start a gang.  The Rhod Chickies.
> And anyone else who calls us "chickies" gets punched in the mouth. >:)

I can see the interview already:

Journalist:  "So, you're the Rhod Chickies..." *WHAM*

Kimberly:  "Don't call us that!"

J: "Argh... ow... ok, ok.  So, who are you?"

K: "We're the Rhod Chickies, and don't you forget that!"

J: "The Rhod Chickies? But..." *WHAM*

K: "I told you!"

J: "Ungh... *spit out tooth* uhh... so, er, what are you doing?"

K: "We want everybody to know that the Rhod Chickies are pretty awecome
compared to the normal slop of society."

J: "But are you?  I mean, with a name like Rhod Chickes, won't..." *WHAM*

K: "Tsk, tsk.  Will you never learn?"

J: "*spit out teeth* *swipe away blood*  argh... oof... surely you can't
get popular by decking anybody who says 'Rhod Chickie'... whoops" *WHAM*

[Short pause while the Journalist comes to again.  Kimberly, as usual,
looks smugly and exceedingly sexy.]

J: "This is J. Ournalist signing off from KaCee's Pub and the amazing new
phenomenon, the Rhod Chickies... ARRG" *WHAM*

K: "Our name.  And ours alone."


[From alt.humor.best-of-usenet]
-=========================================-

THEM TOO: The Japanese Atomic Energy Research Institute and the Kansai
  Paint Company have developed "smart" paint that can warn of structural
  problems in buildings and airplanes. The paint sends out electrical
  signals if the underlying structure begins to crack, allowing engineers
  to remedy the situation before catastrophic failures occur.
  "Potentially, the paint can be applied to all kinds of metals, ceramics
  and concrete," said researcher Shigenori Egusa. (Reuters) ...If they
  can develop makeup that lets men know when their wives are about to
  crack, they may have something.

[From THIS is TRUE for 8 November]
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 11/18/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

You have to admit, US bombs are incredibly smart. In fact,
the bombs are better-educated than the average high-school
graduate.  I mean, at least they can find Iraq."

-=========================================-

>BTW, the sequel, "I STILL Know What You Did Last Summer", opens today.
>
>But shouldn't the proper title be, "I Know What You Did Summer Before Last"?

Or there could be a completely different event and the movie could be
entitled:
	
	I Know What You Did Last Spring 

We could have a psychic killer

	I Know What You Did Next Summer

We could have the apathetic killer

	Who Gives a Shit What You Did Last Summer?

The teen sex/horror film

	I Know Who You Did Last Summer

Paranoia

	Everyone Knows What I Did Last Summer

The possibilities are, not endless, but pretty damn large.

[From alt.humor.best-of-usenet]
-=========================================-

How was the potato chip invented?

The Answer:

Potato chips were invented in 1853 by a chef who was trying
to get revenge on a complaining diner.

At the elegant Moon Lake Lodge in Saratoga Springs, New
York, a customer found chef George Crum's French fries too
thick and sent them back for a thinner batch. Obligingly,
Crum cut his potatoes thinner the second time, but the
customer refused them again. Frustrated this time, Crum
decided to teach the diner a lesson by cutting his French
fries so thin that they couldn't be stabbed with a fork.

To his surprise, the diner loved the thin chips and didn't
mind getting his hands dirty while eating them. Crum
was even encouraged to open his own restaurant. When he
did, Sarasota Chips, as they appeared on the menu, were the
house specialty and they attracted the era's rich and
famous.

The invention of the mechanical potato peeler in the 1920s,
allowed Crum to mass-produce his chips, sending them on the
road to becoming a staple of the couch potato's diet.

(Sources: PANATI'S EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS
by Charles Panati)

[From MailBits.Com Trivia Questions]
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 11/18/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'.  He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid.  "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth.  His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust.  But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head.  "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

[From "Jokesrus" mailing list]
-=========================================-

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE POTATOES

1. Some people are very bossy and like to tell everyone what to do, but
of course they do not wish to soil their hands.  You might call that
type "Dick Tator."

2. Some people never seem to be motivated to participate.  They are
content to watch while others do.  They are "Speck Tators."

3. Some people never do anything to help, but they are gifted at finding
fault with the way others do things.  They might be called "Comment
Taters."

4. Some people are always looking for ways to cause problems.  They look
or others to agree with them.  You call them "Aggie Taters."

5. Then there are those who always say they will, but somehow never get
around to doing anything.  They are "Hezzie Taters."

6. Some people put on a front and act like they are someone they are
not.  They are "Emma Taters."

7. Still, there are those who live what they talk.  They are always
prepared to stop what they are doing to lend a hand.  They bring real
sunshine into others' lives.    You might call them "Sweet Taters."

[From alt.humor]
-=========================================-

An interoffice softball game was held between the marketing department
and sales department of one company. The sales department whipped the
marketing department soundly.

The marketing department posted this memo on the bulletin board after
the game:

"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 1997
Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all
year. The Sales Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they
won only one game."

[From alt.humor]
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 11/19/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Microsoft recently announced that the upcoming release 5.0 of Windows NT
will be renamed "Windows 2000," which will presumably be abbreviated Win2K
in the press. That got me to thinking about a comparison between Win2K and
Y2K...

Win2K - Represents large problem for computers, looming in the near future.
Y2K - Ditto.

Win2K - Projected to ship in mid 1999.
Y2K - Projected to start causing problems in mid 1999.

Win2K - Real effects won't be known until sometime in the year 2000.
Y2K - Ditto.

Win2K - Will cost corporations millions in support, upgrades, and time.
Y2K - Ditto.

Win2K - Will result in a need to upgrade most hardware.
Y2K - Ditto.

Win2K - Entire industry waiting for the product to slip...uh, ship.
Y2K - Entire country waiting for solutions to ship.

Win2K - Many characterize it as being an evil plot created by programmers.
Y2K - ditto.

Win2K - Probably could have been avoided if UNIX had a better U/I.
Y2K - Probably could have been avoided through foresight and planning.

Win2K - Likely to cause more bugs than it cures.
Y2K - Ditto.

[ed: This list's Subject line isn't Y2K complient. Oh well...]

[From rec.humor.funny]
-=========================================-

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a
small town and  went to a bar.  He stood at the end of the bar,
ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.

As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.

After he  blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry
American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like
that and I'll smash your face in!"

[From "laugh-your-ass-off" mailing list]
-=========================================-

THE TRUTH ABOUT THANKSGIVING
By Jonathan P. Bernick

Today America celebrates the holiday of Thanksgiving, or as it is known
outside the United States, "Thursday."  Families separated for months or
years will reunite, and shortly afterwards remember why they separated.
In a darkened gymnasium Richard Simmons will run his revenue
projections, and consider buying a small Caribbean island.  Throughout
the nation, those wretched souls condemned to the public school system
will breathe a bit easier, eager in their anticipation of four days
surcease from education.  (The students are pretty happy about it, too.)

Yet running through this gaiety is an undercurrent of bewilderment.  In
this decadent age we live in, far too many of our unlettered countrymen
think Plymouth Rock a music style from the 70’s, or the Mayflower a
potpourri ingredient.  Accordingly, in the best traditions of
journalistic public service and overweening arrogance, my column this
frosty morn shall be dedicated to answering your questions about
Thanksgiving.

Q. Gosh, you're right, Jonathan; I, the average reader, am dumb as a
post.  What exactly are the origins of Thanksgiving?

A. Thanksgiving is, of course, a holiday invented by grocers and farmers
to allow them to sell huge quantities of disgusting "traditional" foods
that no one in his right mind would eat otherwise, such as squash.  The
average squash is a triumph of minimalism wherein Nature manages to
convert mud into a plant without bothering to change its taste and
texture.  Attempts to improve the mud-like flavor of squash by the
addition of delicate seasonings and spices have produced dishes that
taste, at best, like delicately seasoned and spiced mud.  A master chef,
faced with the necessity of making a palatable squash dish, would throw
in his funny hat and become a short-order cook at Denny's

Q. That's quite a conspiracy theory.  Where do the Black Helicopters fit
it?

A. They transport the squash.

Copyright 1997 by Baja Arizona Publishing Company

[From Keith Sullivan]
-=========================================-

You know, despite the fact that the Internet is a wierd place,
I can't seem to find EVERYTHING in it. Like a person with an
e-mail address of:

nobody_is@home.com
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 11/21/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

A Radio interview I heard a year or two ago.  An American and a UK
journalist were discussing Thanksgiving.  The American asked if we
celebrated Thanksgiving in the UK.

"Yes," the UK guy replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of
September."

"Why then?"

"That's when they left."

[From Keith Sullivan]
-=========================================-

Some *interesting* car name arconyms:

AUDI 
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence 
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented 

BMW 
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder 
Big Money Works 
Bought My Wife 
Brutal Money Waster 

BUICK 
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer 

CHEVROLET 
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips 
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time 

DODGE 
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater 
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere 

FIAT 
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology 
Fix It All the Time 
Fix it again, Tony! 

FORD 
backwards -- Driver Returns On Foot 
First On Recall Day 
First On Rust and Deterioration 
Fix Or Repair Daily 
Found On Road, Dead 
Fault Of R&D 
Fast Only Rolling Downhill 
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA 

GM 
General Maintenance 

GMC 
Garage Man's Companion 
Got A Mechanic Coming? 

HONDA 
Had One Never Did Again 

HYUNDAI 
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive... 

MAZDA 
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along 

OLDSMOBILE 
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.=
 
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover
Equipment 

SAAB 
Send Another Automobile Back 
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown. 

TOYOTA 
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto 

VOLVO 
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object 

VW 
Virtually Worthless
Vomit on Wheels

[From the Jokesrus mailing list]
-=========================================-

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen
listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living
room.  She heard the train stop and her son said, "all of you sons of
bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last
stop!  And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses
in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."  The mother went in
and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house. 
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO
HOURS.  When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you
to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing
with his train.  Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to
take all of your belongings with you.  We thank you for riding with us
today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.  We hope you will ride with
us again soon."  She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you
just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your
seat.  Remember, there is no smoking on the train.  We hope you will
have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the
kitchen."

[From Ian Harris]To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits Recipients
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Ever wonder what would happen if a car company came out with a model
with the name "HandBasket"? Apart from the fact that it is a dumb name
for a car, imagine the potential for bad jokes!

Hitchhiker thumbs (flags?) a car down.
Driver:	"Hello."
Hitchhiker:	"Hi. Where are you going?"
Driver:	"Well, this is a HandBasket. Figure it out."

[Yeah. Kinda far-fetched, but imagine what you could do to small children!]

I've got a BIG back-log, so the mailings will be a tad bit longer.
-=========================================-

IN FLORIDA:


[Uh, pardon our English] A thief burst into the bank one day wearing ski

mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,

"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F**K-UP!" For a moment, everyone was

silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and

doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he was about

to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got

him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event,

the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers,

this is a fxxk-up!" 

[From alt.humor]
-=========================================-

RUMINATIONS

Sometimes at work, I think to myself, "If shit were camouflage, I'd be
invisible right now."  --David Huddle

When I get an email chain letter, I forward a copy to all my friends
telling them not to participate.  Just one of the ways I'm helping reduce
Internet traffic.  --Matt Diamond

The greater the number of multiple personalities one has, the greater the
chance that one of the less responsible ones won't pull his or her weight
with the household chores.  --Chuck Smith

I guess my first mistake was buying that stupid inflatable 747 for the
kids.  But how was I to know my 5-year-old would tell the stewardess,
"Daddy says he's going to blow up our airplane!"?  --Zev Farkas

I think if you were ever tunneling through the earth and happened upon a
giant groundhog with a pickaxe, you should run because, hey, you're on
*his* turf now.  --Dan Flippo

Lucky for us that snot doesn't smell bad, or we'd walk around all day
going, "Jeez, what *is* that?  Ewwww."  --H.G. MacLure

Sometimes i think to myself:  "How can i be a better women?  How can i be a
better mother?  How can i be a better wife?"  Then I snap out of my
daydream and realize i'm peeing on the seat again.  --John Jose'

If I ever get plastic surgery, I want to have a head like a fish with two
great big eyes on each side.  Once people see how effortlessly I change
lanes in rush hour traffic, I'm pretty sure it will catch on.  --David
James

I'd hate to be the person on the operating table when Doogie Howser's
pent-up frustration at being allowed to amputate a leg but not to buy a
6-pack of beer surfaces.  --Rian Rutherford

Life is like a box of chocolates.  Some bastard always steals the ones you
like.  --Adam JI Rakich

Sometimes, I feel like smacking myself for being so stupid.  Then I realize
that would be kinda dumb.  --Amber Stockham

I think a neat addition to the Swiss Army Knife would be a Swiss Army Lava
Lamp.  That way, if you're lost in the wilderness, there's instant
entertainment.  --Rian Rutherford

Dad always promised me that when I turned 12 he would take me flying.  So
on my 12th birthday, Dad put on his blue tights and red cape and took me to
the roof of a tall building and jumped.  I guess Dad didn't really know how
to fly.  --Anna Chin-Williams

When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the
rain or snow.  Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus.
--Brian Auten

[From Keith Sullivan]
-=========================================-

For those not in the geeky circle I wish I had a copy of the "Halloween"
document I would sent it allong w/ this is it would make sense of it. This
parody is refering  to Linux (a public free Unix) which is becoming very
popular.


Archeaologists Unearth "Ooga!" 
Document Written by Dave Finton (dfinton@d.umn.edu) 
November 12, 1998

It was made public today that a 30,000 year old stone tablet titled the

"Ooga!" Document had been unearthed alongwith many other stone tablets from the same era. The Ooga!Document outlines the plans of the then-powerful corporation known as MoogaSooga (to be referred in this article as MS) to challenge and undermine the then-growing hobbyist wheel-making industry.  MS at that time owned a virtual monopoly on wheel production, and consumers of that era were clamoring for alternatives to the MS Wheel.

The stone tablet was leaked to one such wheel-making hobbyist referred to as "Eega S. Rooga", or ESR for short. The tablet outlines and researches a wheel-making method where wheel-makers share ideas and contribute their

work to make better wheels, and create better tools from those wheels. The tablet also outlines possible actions that MS could take against the wheel-making hobbyists in order to maintain its market share.

The document, authored by MS employee and wheel expert Vooga Voogavoogavoogavooga, talks about the process by how these new wheels were made, and how much better the hobbyists' wheels were than MS's own commercial wheel.

The MS Wheel was a large unwieldly structure approximately 30 feet tall. Users of the wheel would have to climb on top of the wheel and have 75 people behind him or her push the wheel down the hill.  The MS Wheel was prone to stalling in mid-transit, causing the passenger to be flung off

the top of the wheel to his death on the ground below. In worst case scenarios the MS Wheels were also known to veer off course, often into crowded villages where everyone in the wheel's path would be run down, causing a lot of damage and heartache.  In addition to all this the wheel would often break apart into several pieces whenever it hit even the slightest bump.  Of course once the wheel reached a valley or the bottom of the hill, it would be impossible to push it back up the hill again because it was way too heavy.  Thus, users of the MS Wheel were often forced to "upgrade" to a new wheel, most likely even larger and less stable than the previous one.

Despite these and other problems, the MS Wheel was immensely popular. However, it sparked a populist movement by amature wheel makers to share ideas and come up with a better solution.

In the "Ooga!" Tablet, Vooga says, "After trying out these hobbyists' wheels, I am surprised to learn that their quality surpasses the quality of commercial-grade wheels, particularly the MS Wheel."  He goes on to say, "These wheels are only a couple of feet in diameter, weigh only 30

pounds, and are much sturdier than our heavyweight counterparts.  Even worse, the hobbyists are using these wheels to create even more complicated yet useful structures, such as carts and wagons.  Our wheels couldn't even hope to compete in that market!"

In one of the other stone tablets found during the dig, a pundit and long-time MS supporter named Jooba Berst wrote down "These new wheels will never be taken seriously in the marketplace.  Who are you going to sue or hold accountable when the wheel breaks down and kills several hundred villagers-- woah WOAH-- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  *THUD*!

Vooga himself refuted those claims within the "Ooga!" Document itself: "Since these wheels are small, the chances of them running over and killing helpless villagers are extremely low.  In addition to this, the

wheels are skinny enough to allow what is known as 'steering' to avoid veering off course to begin with.  And in the unlikely possibility of a

wheel breakdown, the wheel can be easily fixed or replaced with a new one relatively cheaply."

Since MS was a large and powerful corporation, surely it must have had some kind of strategy against the hobbyist wheel-makers.  Indeed, Vooga

stated, "These hobbyists are unabashedly cream-skinning the best features of MS Wheel, such as the fact that it is round and is capable of rolling down hills."  The solution?  "The possibilities of clubbing the hobbyists to death or simply stealing their wheels have yet to be looked at."To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 11/25/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Oops! Sorry about the subject line in the last message. Sorry.
-=========================================-

BAYWATCH: Police in Seal Beach, Calif., got an urgent call from a
  resident looking through his new telescope: a pink Corvette was being
  ravaged in the surf, and the caller was afraid that someone might be
  trapped inside. Officers rushed to the scene, but couldn't find the
  car. The man confirmed he could still see it, so officers came to his
  house to take a look. Through his telescope, they saw it too: a
  "Barbie-sized" toy car on the beach, highly magnified by the powerful
  lens. "Had he panned his telescope up a little from the ocean ...he
  would've realized what he was looking at," said police Sgt. Rick
  Ransdell. The cops recovered the toy, which was less than a foot long,
  he said. (Los Angeles Times) ...New from Mattel: "Bawling Barbie",
  dressed in black for the funeral of "Carjacker Ken".

[From THIS is TRUE for 15 November 1998]
-=========================================-

Here are two entertaining emails exchanged between father
and son.
 
Dear Dad,
 
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need,
$o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I 
would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

------------------------------------------------------------
 
Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are
eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that
the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never 
study eNOugh.
 
Love,
Dad

[From "[best-joke]"]
-=========================================-

[ed: Then again, some people are just too wierd to contemplate. What did
you say? Oh, *very* funny - I'm NOT talking about myself.]

M&M's
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the
strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M
duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply
pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters.
That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner
gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher and the
newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the
blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of
competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or
pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a
weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In
this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of
the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it
neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc.,
Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please
use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2
pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside
the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will
discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.    

[Written by oalami@mnsinc.com]
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 11/26/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

 While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90+y/o man (he got his
hand caught in a gate while working his cattle), a doctor and an old
man were discussing Clinton's health care reform ideas. The old man
said "Well, ya know old Clinton's a post turtle".
 So, not knowing what he meant the doctor asked him what a "post
turtle" was.  And he said "When your driving down a country road, and
you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a
post turtle.  You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't
belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you
just want to help the poor thing down."

[From alt.humor]
-=========================================-

There was a 10 year old boy, who's left arm was damaged and
subsequently amputated.  He decided to learn judo.  His
Sensei (teacher) was an old Chinese judo expert.

The boy learned quickly.  After three months, he had
learned only one move.  He asked his teacher to teach him
more moves.  The Sensai told him that this was all he would
need.

Soon after, the boy entered a tournament, where he quickly
advanced to the finals, where his opponent was bigger and
more experienced.  The boy seemed very out matched.  After
a long match, the opponent seemed to loose concentration.
Quickly the boy took advantage and pinned what seemed to be
his superior opponent.

On the ride home, the boy asked his Sensai.  "How could I
win with only one move?"

The Sensai replied, "You have nearly mastered one of the
most difficult moves in all of judo.  And, the only defense
against that move, is for your opponent to grab your left
arm."

[From the "Jokesarus" mailing list]
-=========================================-

  It was slightly before Thanksgiving.  The trip went reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back.  The airport on the other end had turned a
tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

  Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

  Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one
suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe.  Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder
parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that
could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

  With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the attendant,  "Even if I were not married, I would not want
to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

  "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
  (pause)

  "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd
have to step forward for a kiss."

  "That's not why it's there."
  (pause)

  "Ok, I give up.  Why is it there?"

  "It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

[From "Oracle Service" mailing-list]
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 11/28/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsyl vania Ave
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labled
"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid
skull."  We have given this speciman a careful and detailed
examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with you
theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of
Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago."  Rather, it
appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of
the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to
be the "Malibu Barbie."  It is evident that you have given a great
deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be
quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior
work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your
findings.  However, we do feel that there are a number of physical
attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to
it's modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains
   are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
   cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the
   earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more
   consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the
   "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the
   wetlands during that time.  This latter finding is certainly
   one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
   history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh
   rather heavily against it.  Without going into too much detail,
   let us say that:

       A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie Doll that
          a dog has chewed on.

       B. Clam's don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon dated.  This is partially due
to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and
partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent geological record.  To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
Dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely
to produce wildly inaccurate results.  Sadly, we must also deny
your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino."  Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound
like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to the museum.  While it is undoubtedly not a
hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
effortlessly.  You should know that our Director has reserved a
special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.  We
eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it.  We are particularly interested in hearing
you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions on a structural matrix" that makes
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently
discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears
Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,


Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

[From alt.humor]
-=========================================-

142857 is a cyclic number, the numbers of which always appear in 
the same order but rotated around when multipled by any number 
from 1 to 6. 
142857 * 2 = 285714 
142857 * 3 = 428571 
142857 * 4 = 571428 
142857 * 5 = 714285 
142857 * 6 = 857142 

[http://www.southhouse.com/useless/]
-=========================================-

>The first sign of wisdom is knowing what you don't know.  The more
>intelligent one is, the less "smart" he is.  The more educated, the more
>aware of one's ignorance.
>
>Well, well, well.
>What do you know?

Not much, although I don't like to brag.

[From alt.humor.best-of-usenet]
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 12/1/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Interesting Fact:

If all the Spice Girls CDs sold so far were laid
end-to-end, it would be pretty easy to run them
over with my car. 

[Jokesrus]
-=========================================-

WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP??
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=  
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he 
lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million 
severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking 
intelligence.  


 WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue 
a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing 
ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was 
standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give 
himself up.  

WHAT WAS PLAN B???  
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and 
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The 
kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank 
accounts.  

THESE NITWITS ARE TEACHING OUR CHILDREN??
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day 
suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - 
for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints 
would make him "jump higher."  

and  

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for 
giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann 
reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused 
with the "zero-intelligence" policy.  


SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY TO GNAW THROUGH THE 
STRAPS!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze 
that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the 
homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is 
even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when 
someone broke in and stole my new security system..."  

DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY??
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police 
station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly 
asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which 
he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the 
man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & 
Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the 
missing brain.

OUCH, THAT SMARTS!!  
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye 
pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-
Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his 
pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and 
jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an 
explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's 
charred trousers in custody.  

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!  
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to 
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a 
thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to 
keep his hand in his pocket.  

[From MMK]
-=========================================-

The following letter to the editor appeared in the Boston Globe this week:

Bear Hug

In a recent column Susan Trausch [Globe columnist] referred to Smokey the
Bear.  It is true that Smokey the Bear deserves praise for his campaign
against forest fires.  But nobody ever mentions the boy scouts he kills 
for their hats.

(signed) Martin H. Slobodkin
	Cambridge

[rec.humor.funny.reruns]
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 12/1/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

          Geeks with Guns
         by Declan McCullagh

3:00 a.m.  24.Nov.98.PST John Jasen squints down the barrel of his .40 
caliber Beretta and carefully squeezes the trigger. The pistol barks as 
180-grain slugs smash into the 17-inch RGB monitor a few dozen feet away. 
Thin grey smoke seeps from the perforated screen.

The 24-year-old system administrator releases the empty clip from his 
Beretta and grins wolfishly. "It's gratuitous destruction," he says.

Saturday's outing was the most recent in a series of trips to the firing 
range that Jasen has organized for Baltimore-area sysadmins. The attendees 
are anyone who's fed up with recalcitrant hardware, buggy Microsoft code, 
and interface cards that never worked quite the way the manufacturer 
promised.

Their solution has been to find catharsis by blasting the objects of their 
disdain to smithereens. An announcement sent to their mailing list last 
week said the outing lets disgruntled and overworked administrators "vent 
frustrations on computers, household appliances, and electronics that 
richly deserve it."

And for sysadmins who love Unix but work with Windows, nothing deserves 
death more than Microsoft products. At the Anne Arundel Fish and Game 
Association's pistol range, Microsoft manuals, floppies, and instructional 
videotapes have become favorite targets. "We have discovered that NT 
workstation disks do not stop bullets," Jasen says.

Support Fundamentals for Microsoft Windows NT is thick enough to prompt 
Jasen to switch to a .45 Heckler and Koch.

The 230-grain rounds lance through the manual, erupting out the back in 
puffs of white paper.

By the time he's done, the remains resemble a Thanksgiving turkey carcass. 
Jasen holds up what's left of the book. "This is definitely coming to work 
with me," he says. "It's too bad nobody brought a CPU."

It's not just programmers and sysadmins in Baltimore who feel an urge to 
mutilate computer equipment that can no longer fight back. KGB, the 
unabashedly geeky student group at Carnegie Mellon University, occasionally 
jettisons intractable hardware down a stairwell in the computer-science 
building.

Early-morning shooting outings in the Nevada desert have long been a staple 
of the annual DefCon hacker convention. A group of San Francisco Bay Area 
cypherpunks recently spent hundreds of dollars per person on "defensive 
handgun" and "practical rifle" courses at the Front Sight firearms training 
institute in Aptos, California. The 1.2 MB 5 1/4-inch floppy drive Jasen 
brought to the range remains largely intact, even with bullet holes punched 
through the circuit board. The sound card and external speakers have 
suffered only minor wounds, as have the internal and external 14.4 Kbps 
modems. "You know what we need to do the next time we do this? Bring a 
shotgun," Jasen said.

But even pistols can savage the chief attraction of this expedition: the 
monitors. Chris, a local sysadmin who asked that her last name not be used, 
rescued three from the trash heap at work and hauled them to the range in 
Arnold, Maryland.

After she fires the first shot from a 9mm Glock, the glass at the front of 
the picture tube is punctured, but not shattered. It's too thick. A few 
dozen rounds later, though, and only a shell of the picture tube is left. 
In the back, bullets have ripped the plastic case wide open.

"Do you want the keyboard and I'll go after the book?" Jasen asks.

"No, it's your keyboard. Go ahead," Chris replies.

Some of the range staff and regulars join in the spirit of the day, 
contributing a microwave that they pepper with upwards of 400 rounds of .22 
ammo. During a break in the firing, one wanders over and inspects the 
computer hardware. "There's no more joy left in this joystick," he says, 
holding up the now-lifeless input device.

When the ammo is gone, the day ends. The tired sysadmins begin to pack up 
their gear and plan for the next time. One jokes, "Now if only we could 
shoot some users...."

[Taken from Wired News 
http://www.wired.com/news/news/culture/story/16433.html]
-=========================================-

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started
massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front
turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you
were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help
practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for
the IRS.  Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

[Oracle Humor]
-=========================================-

How can someone possibly escape "by the skin of her teeth"?

The Answer:

The phrase, "by the skin of one's teeth," which means "with
the smallest possible margin comes from the Bible. In the
Book of Job (19:20), while complaining about his pitiable
situation, Job makes a statement that the King James Bible
translates as: "My bone cleaveth to my skin and to my
flesh, and I am escaped with the skin of my teeth."

While we don't have skin on our teeth, Job's vividly
poignant phrase, like so many others from the Bible, stuck.
So now, whenever anyone narrowly escapes, they're said to
have made it "by the skin of their teeth."

(Sources: WHY YOU SAY IT by Webb Garrison and THE KING
JAMES BIBLE)

[MailBits.Com Trivia]To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 12/2/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Hello, sorry for the lack of joke past week... Wasn't much that was
actually *funny* out there. BTW, here are my ideas for great party
"ice-breakers":

"I'm a Food Magician. Want a demonstration? Buy me a pizza and watch me make it dissapear."

"I'm very depressed. I think I'm going to drown my gold-fish now."

"Whales are God's tamagutchies."

"Are people with no neck immune to vampires?"

"Poll: When _you_ play Tick-Tack-Toe against yourself, do you win or do
you lose?"

"I never forget. It's just that I don't always remeber."

"Life is what happens when the soul realizes it's on the road to insanity
and it stops for a beer."

"Oh yeah? Well your VCR has been blinking "00:00" for the past decade!"

"The middle of nowhere is the best place to be - every direction leads
to the edge of nowhere."

"Of course I'm concentrated! I'm all in one place aren't I?"

"I don't see what's so amazing about black holes. I remember having one
for a stomach, once."

[Shalom Craimer]
-=========================================-

A tabloid reports that Paula Jones has decided to get a nose job.  "Is
that such a good idea?  Isn't there a chance Clinton might not recognize
her and hit on her all over again?"  --Jay Leno

According to the New York Post, the money for Paula Jones' $9,000 nose
job came from an anonymous donor.  "That's when you know you're
unattractive, when strangers just send you cash.  'Lady, I saw you.
Her, fix your nose!'"  --Jay Leno

[Keith Sullivan]
-=========================================-

AND THE DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS

Japan Times-April 16, 1997

"The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of "Pumping', a
spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this
perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream  of Thailand's manhood." He
was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been
rushed into the hospital's emergency room. "Most 'Pumpers' use a standard
bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving
themselves a rush of air, creating  a momentary high. This act is a sin
against God." It appears that the young Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two- cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting  enough
for him, so he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air
hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it, so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in. Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted 
he tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot.

As a result, he died  virtually instantly, leaving passers-by still in shock.
One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and started
clapping. "We still haven't located all of him," say the police authorities.
"When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly
exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something." "Pumping is the
devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan," Ratchasima concluded.
"Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it
cannot tempt you."

[alt.humor]
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 12/3/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Seems this Russian wine exporter was trying to get his product
past a bureaucrat who insisted on a payoff.   The bureaucrat
quoted a figure of $10,000 to let the shipment past his
checkpoint.  The exporter replied that the price seemed a little
high -- as for only $2000 he could have the bureaucrat killed.
The wine made it through just fine.

[alt.humor]
-=========================================-

Why do things appear darker when they're wet?

The Answer:

Grab a white shirt, dip it in water, and voila, it turns
gray right before you very eyes. If we hadn't all seen it
much too often it would make for an impressive magic trick.
Since we have, it's an excellent trivia question.

What causes this optical transformation is simple science.
When fabric gets wet, light coming towards it refracts
within the water, disbursing the light. In addition, the
surface of the water causes incoherent light scattering.
The combination of these two effects causes less light to
reflect to your eyes and makes the wet fabric appear
darker.

(Source: WHY DO DOGS HAVE WET NOSES? by David Feldman)

[MailBits Trivia]
-=========================================-

An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a
nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old
bomber.  The F-4 called the B-52 crew and told them that,
"Anything you can do, I can do better."
 
Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot replied that he would
rise to the challenge.  The B-52 continued its flight, straight
and level, however.
 
Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So?  What did you do?"

"We just shut down two engines."

[alt.humor]
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 12/7/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Eugene M. Garlow II said a German tourist walked into a McDonald's in
New York City and ordered a beer.  (In Germany and many parts of Europe,
McDonald's and other fast-food places serve beer and wine.)

A man in line told the tourist, "They don't serve beer here, you moron."

The visitor, somewhat embarrassed, got out of line and started to move
on.  But he stopped, looked at the fellow who had called him a "moron"
and started to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demanded.

"Oh, nothing really," the tourist said.  "It just suddenly occurred to
me that you came here for the food."

[Terry Marchal]
-=========================================-


At the post office a woman complained to the clerk that a
Pony Express rider in the "Old West" could get a letter from
Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it took three.
"I'd really like to know why," she scoffed.

The clerk thought a moment and then suggested, "The
horses are a lot older now."

[alt.humor]
-=========================================-

Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction?

Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Futurist: The milk's in the wrong half of the glass.
Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it?
C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.
Assembly programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.
Basic programmers: No thanks; I'm still breast feeding.
MIS: I'll drink it if you can give me 'til next year.
Prolog programmers: I know I drank it - just don't ask me how.
Non-procedural language programmers: I drank it when nobody was looking.
UI designers: What's that crap in my glass?
Pentium users: I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that.
Windows users: Where's my straw?
UNIX users: Nahh . . . too easy.
Multimedia author: 
Shareware game author: That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.
Free Software Foundation: That milk is the cow's contribution to all
mankind!
IRS: Thanks for getting your milk withholding correct this year.

[alt.humor]
-=========================================-

10 Reasons Santa must be a System Administrator:

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted
are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says,
"Elves make it for me."

5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the
work themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

[alt.humor]
-=========================================-

What do you do if you see a (insert least favourite Race, color profession etc 
here) man walking towards you with half a face?


Stay calm

Re-load

Fire again

[alt.humor]
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 12/13/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Sorry about the lack. But now I'm going back to suffering..um..studying, so
I have less time. Expect less. Sorry.
	-= Shalom

-=========================================-

MIAMI, FL (DPI) -- With the burning of the cruise ship Ecstasy, personal
injury lawyers turned out in herds on the docks waiting for the ship to
be to towed back to port.  The more enterprising ones created a new
version of ambulance chasing by hiring anything with a motor that
floated to go out to the damaged vessel and get first dibs on the
soon-to-be-litigating passengers.  Many of them taped their business
cards to rocks and hurled them onto the deck of the ship, while others
used Nerf footballs offering to represent those hurt by falling rocks.
The school of shysters circled the ship and prompted one passenger to
say, "It was kind of neat to watch them.  Just like dolphins.  But I
hear they're related to the shark family."

[Reported by Dave Henry]
[The Daily Probe, July 27, 1998 ]
-=========================================-

I have a rock garden.  Last week three of them died.  --Richard Diran

How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a big doofus
who should have looked at a map?  --J. Wagner (Crabby Road)

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.  --Oscar
Wilde

To their credit, my new bifocals initially made me feel much younger.
Immediately after putting them on, I discovered that moving my head up
and down produced the same level of nausea that I once got only at
high-school beer parties.  --Robert Kirby

This morning, my wife asked me for a divorce.  Oh, she didn't come right
out and use the D word.  She's much too subtle for that.  What she said
was, "When are you going to put up the Christmas lights?"  --Robert
Kirby

[Kieth Sullivan]
-=========================================-

From a toy store:  "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

In a bridal boutique:  "Marry Christmas."

Outside a church:  "The original Christmas Club."

>From a department store:  "Big pre-Christmas sale.  Come in and mangle
with the crowd."

In a Texas jewellery store:  "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000.  Three for
$200,000.

A reducing salon:  "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."

In a stationery store:  "For the man who has everything... a calendar to
remind him when payments are due."
[Kieth Sullivan]
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 12/16/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town
shopping.  He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.  "I'll
never do that again!" he told his mother that evening.  "I didn't catch
a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away,"
his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that.  She ate all the bait."

[Keith Sullivan]
-=========================================-

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING BAD AT MATH: Women greatly overestimate
  their risk of getting breast cancer, says a researcher at Britain's
  Cancer Research Campaign. While it's true that 1 in 12 British women (1
  in 8 in the U.S.) will indeed get breast cancer, that's only if they
  live through other, more threatening diseases, says Dr. John Bunker.
  "For most women the lifetime risk of dying of breast cancer is only one
  in 26; the other 25 women will die of something else," he said.
  (Reuters) ...So much for the bright side.


[THIS is TRUE for 6 December]
-=========================================-

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah.  The next
time we visited, I made sure to wear one.  As we entered her home,
instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter?  You
didn't, like the other one?"

[JOKE-OF-THE-DAY]
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 12/17/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

* In February, Timothy Devine, 37, thought he had merely been
struck in the ear while in a Boston, Mass., park trying to purchase
marijuana and that he could walk off the pain, but he decided to go
to Quincy Hospital, whose attendants confirmed his emerging
suspicion that he might have been shot in the head.  And in May in
Sacramento, Calif., a 19-year-old man was convicted of four counts
of attempted murder, based in part on the testimony of one victim
who said he not aware for several days afterward that he had been
shot in the stomach and another who said he thought at first he had
been hit in the nose by a rock until a doctor told him a bullet had
entered through an ear and exited through a nostril.

* In March, a 20-year-old man was charged with attempted murder
in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan, for stabbing a 29-year-old man, an
acquaintance, in the head.  The victim walked out of his apartment
after the stabbing, fully conscious and speaking, despite the fact
that the butcher knife was still embedded in his skull.  He survived. 

* Golf Imitates Miniature Golf:  In May at Beaver Brook Golf
Course in Haydenville, Mass., Todd Obuchowski was credited with
a hole-in-one on a par 3 hole after his tee shot went over the green
and onto a highway, hit a passing Toyota driven by Nancy
Bachand, ricocheted back to the green, and rolled into the cup.  At
least eight golfers witnessed the shot. 

* In April, a 47-year-old man in Peoria, Ill., finally died of a 1971
gunshot wound that had paralyzed him for 27 years.  His assailant
would thus have been charged with murder, but he died 5 years
ago.  But in Boston, Raul Casanova, who had shot a man in 1991
and left him paralyzed and who had served 7 years for that assault,
was charged in June with the murder after the man died.  In fact,
the charge was filed on the day Casanova was to be released from
prison. 

[News of the Wierd]
-=========================================-

Why are pipes under kitchen sinks so curvy? Isn't there a
more direct path for them to travel? 

The Answer:

Contrary to popular belief, this is neither a ploy by pipe
manufacturers to double their revenue, nor an attempt by
the plumbers' lobbyists to make our pipes look so
complicated that we feel compelled to call a professional
every time something goes wrong.

The "S" shape seen in most pipes serves two very important
purposes. First, by ensuring that water fills the bend
below the sink, it keeps sewer smells and other nasty odors
from drifting into the room.

Second, as anyone who's accidentally dropped anything down
the drain can attest, it saves our valuables from landing
in the sewer.

(Source: WHY DO DOGS HAVE WET NOSES? By David Feldman)

[Mailbits Trivia]
-=========================================-

              VIDEO WARS: Titanic vs. Clinton
                 - Submitted by BC
         ____________________________________

When watching the Clinton video, did you get the feeling 
of "deja vu" - of watching something that you had just seen 
in a similar structure?

Well your brain never fails. By reading below, you will see 
the remarkable similarities between the Clinton Video and the 
Titanic Video. Was this just by coincidence... or much more. 
We will let you be the judge.


Clinton vs Titanic:  Incredible Similarities

TITANIC VIDEO:  Over 3 hours long and $9.99 on the Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO:  Over 3 hours long and $9.99 on the Internet.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden
               love, a subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden
               love, a subsequent catastrophe.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.
CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.
CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70%
 
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hilary.

[Joke-of-the-Day]
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 12/19/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled 
over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the 
window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, 
and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.     

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you 
over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.
He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the 
passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls 
his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the 
nightstick. 

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" 

The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true." 

The passenger says, "Huh?" 

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're 
gonna say, 'I wish that mother fucker would've tried that 
shit with me.'"

[laugh-your-ass-off]
-=========================================-

Doctor comes home and finds he has no water so he calls a plumber.  The
plumber walks in and has the water back on in 5 minutes.  The plumber
turns around and hands the doctor a bill for $275.00.  The outraged
doctor stammers "I'm a Neuro-surgeon, not some damn dumb plumber, and I
don't even make that much for 5 minutes work!"

The plumber smiles and says "Yeah, I know, I didn't make that much when
I was a Neuro-surgeon either"

[Keith Sullivan]
-=========================================-

It was a really hot day at the office. There were about 20
people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with
a fan on. All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their
noses at an odor passing through the air.

It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelt.

One man said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working."

A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not
wearing any."

[laugh-your-ass-off]
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 12/20/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

When my brother-in-law was on leave from national service, he brought
home a heavily tattooed friend.  We all sat down to Sunday lunch, and my
four-year-old nephew couldn't take his eyes off the man's colourful
arms.

Curiosity finally got the better off him.  Politely, he asked the
visitor, "Didn't your mother give you paper to write on?"

[WEiRD ]
-=========================================-

A local Radio Station, WINO was running a competition to find
contestants who could come up with words that were not found 
in any English Dictionary yet could still use these words in 
a sentence that would make logical sense; the prize being a 
trip for two to Bali for a week. The DJ, Sam, had many 
callers, the following two standing out:

DJ : WINO, what's your name?

Caller: Hi, me name's Dave.

DJ: Dave, what is your word?

Caller: "Gwan" spelled G, W, A, N.

DJ: We are just checking that (pause)... and you are correct 
    Dave, Gwan is certainly a word not found in the English 
    Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to 
    Bali, is: What sentence can you use that in that would 
    make logical sense?

Caller: Gwan fuck yourself! Ha Ha Ha!

At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that
there is no place for that sort of language on a family show.

After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following
caller:

DJ: WINO, what's your name?

Caller: Me name's Jeff.

DJ: Jeff, what is your word?

Caller: "Smee" spelled S, M, E, E.

DJ: We are just checking that (pause)... and you are correct 
    Jeff, Smee is certainly a word not found in the English 
    Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to 
    Bali, is: What sentence can you use that in that would 
    make logical sense?

Caller: Smee again!  Gwan fuck yourself!  Ha Ha Ha!

[laugh-your-ass-off]
-=========================================-

YOUR TAX DOLLARS NOT AT WORK: The Internal Revenue Service has been
  audited. Government auditors found that IRS employees have stolen at
  least $5.3 million in taxes over 2 1/2 years. The General Accounting
  Office says the IRS lacks basic deterrents to theft, such as security
  cameras. And better tracking of tax payments: one employee altered a
  tax check to be made payable to "I.R. Smith" and deposited it into a
  personal account. But Jimmy Smith, the head of the IRS's field centers,
  argued that "the instances of embezzlement and theft are extremely
  rare," and that the GAO audit "gives us some reassurance that the
  safeguards we [do] have in place are working." (AP) ...Yeah, right:
  he's just covering for his brother Irving.

[THIS is TRUE for 13 December]
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 12/22/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

August 24th: Day of Ruin
   * MT. Vesuvius Destroys Pompeii, 79 AD
   * Fall of Rome, 410 AD
   * British Burn D.C., 1812
   * Windows 95 Released, 1995
[ed: Shalom Craimer born, 1980]

[rec.humor.funny]
-=========================================-

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.  He was told
the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a
parcel of property being offered as collateral.  The title to the
property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to
track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following
reply (actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application,
we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title.  While
we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and
presented the application, we must point out that you have only
cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803.  Before final
approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title
back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received.  I
note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years
covered by the present application.  I was unaware that any educated
person in this country, particularly those working in the property
area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U. S. from
France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the
land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had
acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.  The land came into
possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a
sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the
privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning
monarch, Isabella.  The good queen, being a pious woman and careful
about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of
securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund
Columbus' expedition.  Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the
emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.  And God, it is commonly
accepted, created this world.  Therefore, I believe it is safe to
presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana.
He, therefore, would be the owner of origin.  I hope ... you find His
original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our ... loan?"

They got it.

[Oracle Humor]
-=========================================-

The blonde reported for her University final examination which 
consists of "yes/no" type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question 
paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her 
purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking 
the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.   

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is 
sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen 
desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.  

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and inquires if something 
is wrong?

"I finished the exam in half an hour but I am rechecking my 
answers..."

[Mark Moshe Kays]
To: Humor Hits Recipients
From: Shalom Craimer 
Subject: Humor Hits 12/26/98
Cc: 
Bcc: 
X-Attachments: 
In-Reply-To: 
References: 

Isn't it strange? If you stand in the middle of
a library and go "Aaaaggghh!" everyone stares at
you like you're a total idiot or something, but if
you do the same in an airplane, people join in.

[JOKESARUS]
-=========================================-

While in a pub in England, a condom machine in the 
men's room had this on the ad: 
"Manufactured to strict British standards." 

Underneath, someone had scratched, "So was the Titanic."
   -Tracy Perry

           -=()=-

While driving on the West-bound I-10 from Baton Rouge to 
New Orleans, my friends and I saw a couple of small signs 
every few miles. They read, 

"PMS Test Site." I still don't know what they're supposed 
to mean, but we've had plenty of speculation. 
   -Raymond O. Squires

           -=()=-

On a bumper sticker:

"Take my advice, I'm not using it" 
   -Chris

[Joke-Of-The-Day]
-=========================================-

NESCAFE ICED COFFEE, WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?
by Joe Lavin

Last week, I received a call from a marketing company that was
conducting a public opinion poll.  I was overjoyed.  This is a sad
confession, but I love opinion polls.  It's not because I enjoy the
opportunity to let my voice be heard.  No, I don't care about that at
all.  It's because I enjoy the opportunity to develop a different
persona and completely screw up the sample.

"Hmmn.  So, Mr. Lavin, you're a member of the Religious Right and a
supporter of Newt Gingrich, but you're also strongly in favor of
abortion rights and gun control."

"Yes, and I also think marijuana should be legalized for all church
functions."

I was looking forward to similar fun this time, but it turned out only
to be a survey for Nescafe Iced Coffee.  Even I couldn't come up with a
persona who gave a damn about Nescafe Iced Coffee, and so I had no
choice but to tell the truth.

And the truth probably was not what the Nescafe people wanted to hear.
That's because I absolutely hate coffee.  To me, its only redeeming
quality is the fact that it's hot, and so the idea of cold coffee is
simply disgusting.

What's worse is that I had never even heard of Nescafe Iced Coffee.
Until this phone call, I was completely and entirely oblivious to its
existence.  The Nescafe people couldn't have chosen a worse person on
this planet to take their opinion poll.

After I told her that I had never even heard of the drink, the Nescafe
woman asked cheerfully, "Would you be interested in trying Nescafe Iced
Coffee then?"

"No." I said honestly.

"Oh.... Well, I have just a few more questions to ask.  If you were to
drink Nescafe Iced Coffee, would you drink it in the morning?"

"No."

"Would you drink it at home?"

"No.  I wouldn't really drink it at all."

"I'm sorry.  I have to ask these.... Would you drink it at work?"

"No."

"Would you drink it in your car?"

"No."

"Would you drink it for its bold taste?"

"No."

"Would you drink it as a refreshing pick-me-up?"

"No."

"Would you drink it on a beach in the French Riviera with a naked
Claudia Schiffer, just after Claudia leaned over and whispered in your
ear, 'Oh, Joe!  If you drink this Nescafe Iced Coffee, I'll do
absolutely anything to you.'"

"Well, maybe once."

Okay, the last part was made up, but that's all.  And the Nescafe Lady
didn't stop there either.  Soon, she started asking me general questions
about coffee, which I stopped drinking at age eighteen.

"Could you tell me whether you think the following brands are excellent,
good, fair, or poor.  Maxwell House?"

"Poor.  I don't really like coffee."

"Folgers?"

"Poor."

"Taster's Choice?"

"Poor."

"Nescafe?"

"Poor."

Later, she asked, "Of all the brands that I mentioned, are there any
that stand out in your mind as being of a higher quality?"

At this point, I was starting to feel guilty for being such a miserable
git.  I decided to be nice.  I thought long and hard about brands of
coffee.  Finally, I said, "Well, General Foods International seems to be
a higher quality."

She paused.  "Um, that's not one of the ones I mentioned."

"Oh."

With a hint of hope in her voice, she asked, "So are there any others
which you think are of a higher quality?"

"No, not really."

Next, she gave me a list of statements about Nescafe Iced Coffee to
which I was supposed to agree or disagree.  I again reminded her that I
had never drunk the stuff, but she didn't seem to care.  "I enjoy
Nescafe Iced Coffee when I come home from work."

"Disagree."

"Nescafe Iced Coffee quenches my thirst."

"Disagree."

"Nescafe Iced Coffee gives me that little pick-me-up I need."

"Disagree."

This went on for a while until she actually said, "Nescafe Iced Coffee
is my friend."

I'm still not quite sure what kind of survey this was.  "Disagree."  I
said quickly, though I shouldn't have.  If I had agreed, who knows what
kind of follow-up statements there would have been?

"Nescafe Iced Coffee is my soulmate.  Together, we are one."

"Agree."

"Nescafe Iced Coffee and I like to hang out and watch sports together."

"Agree."

"I never drink Nescafe Iced Coffee, because it's my friend and my mother
taught me never to drink a friend."

"Agree."

And I really wonder if anyone did say that Nescafe Iced Coffee was a
friend.  Now that I think about it, someone probably did.  After all,
this was in about the seventh minute of the phone call.  The people who
were still on the line were probably so lonely and so desperate for some
form of companionship that they really did need Nescafe Iced Coffee as a
friend.

Either that or they had a humor column to write.

[Copyright 1997 by Joe Lavin ]

    Source: geocities.com/siliconvalley/pines/6103/humor

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