New Periodic Elements
In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:
Limbaughium Lb - The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.
Billclintium Bc - With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.Canadium Eh - Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.
Innofensium Pc - Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.
Newtium - Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.
Quaylium Vp - Einsteinium it ain't.
Budweisium Ps - Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.
Cabmium Cb - Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.
Politicium Po - Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.
Congress Cg - Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.
Snot Sn - Bonds forever with corduroy.
(from Oracle)
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered. The element, tentatively named ADMINISTRATIUM, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0.
However, it does have 1 Neutron, 128 Assistant Neutrons, 75 Vice-Neutrons and 111 Assistant Vice Neutrons. This gives it an atomic weight of 315. These 315 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called Morons.Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every other reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal life of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in which Assistant Neutrons, Vice-Neutrons and Assistant Vice-Neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government, large companies, healthcare facilities and universities; and will often be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is know to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.