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RANDOM HUMOR


> Subject: Lawyer
> >
> >
> > >A lawyer who works in Texas gets a call about an emergency which
> requires
> > him to immediately fly out of the state for a short period of  time.
> > >
> > >He has  no time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is
> going.
> > The maid answers the call, but is quite hesitant about putting his wife
> on
> > the phone. After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the wife
> is
> > upstairs in bed with the mailman!
> > >
> > >The lawyer is furious, and wants to rush  right home, but of course
> there  is this emergency he must take care of. So instead, he tells the
> maid
> to go
> > get the gun from the desk drawer and kill both his wife and the mailman.
> 
> She protests!
> > >
> > >The lawyer explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your
> adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally
> convinces
> her to do it.She puts down the phone, and soon the lawyer hears the sound
> of
> two gun shots, a scream, some loud thumps, and finally, two splashes.
> > >
> > >The maid comes back to the phone. The lawyer asks, "Did you kill them?"
> > >
> > >"Yes," she replies.
> > >
> > >The lawyer questions her again, "What did you do with the bodies?"
> > >
> > >"I threw them in the pool," she responds.
> > >
> > >There is a brief pause from the lawyer. He asks her, "You threw them
> in
> > the pool?"
> > >
> > >"Yes! I threw them in the pool!" she says.
> > >
> > >"Uh, is this 555-8234?"
> > >
> 
> >DIRTY BIRD
> 
> 
> David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with
> a
> bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word as an expletive. Those
> that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
> 
> David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly
> sayingpolite
> words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He
> yelled at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the birdand the bird
> got
> madder and ruder.
> 
> Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
> For
> a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then,
> suddenly, all was quiet.
> 
> David was frightened that he might actually have hurt the bird and quickly
> opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's
> extended
> arm and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions.
> I
> ask for your forgiveness. I will try to check my behavior..."
> 
> David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask
> what
> changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
> 
> ? *    *    *    *
> 
> 
> How To Brighten Your Day By Annoying Others
> 
> 1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark,
> 17-inch paper.
> 
> 2. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
> 
> 3. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while
> talking to others.
> 
> 4. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
> 
> 5. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
> conditions,"to keep them tuned up."
> 
> 6. Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think."
> 
> 7. Practice making fax and modem noises.
> 
> 8. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them
>  to
> your boss.
> 
> 9. Make beeping noises when you back up.
> 
> 10. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with
> prophecy."
> 
> 11. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over
>  your
> ears.
> 
> 12. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge
>  across
> the room.
> 
> 13. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
> 
> 14. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and
> insist to others you "like it that way."
> 
> 15. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
> 
> 16. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking"
>  noise.
> 
> 17. Honk and wave to strangers.
> 
> 18. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the
> complimentary mints by the cash register.
> 
> 19. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
> 
> 20. type only in lowercase.
> 
> 21. Don t use any punctuation either
> 
> 22. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole
> streets.
> 
> 23. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:"Do you hear
> that?"... "What?"... "Never mind, it's gone now."
> 
> 24. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
> 
> 25. Try playing the 'William Tell Overture' by tapping on the bottom
>  of
> your chin.  When nearly done,announce, "No, wait, I messed it up," and
> repeat.
> 
> 26. Ask people what gender they are.
> 
> 27. While making presentations,occasionally bob your head like a
> parakeet.
> 
> 28. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
> they slow down.
> 
> 29. Sing along at the opera.
> 
> 30. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't  rhyme.
> 
> 31. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions  and then scribble their
> answers in a notebook and mutter something about "psychological
> profiles."
> 
> 32. Tell your friends 5 days prior, that you can't attend their party
> because you're not in the mood. 
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