AIRLINE PA ANNOUNCEMENTS
>> Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight >> safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. >> >> Here are some real examples that have been heard or >> reported: >> >> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ >> "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways >> out of >> this airplane..." >> >> "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an >> emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." >> >> "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, >> contact >> a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the >> airplane." >> >> "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking >> in the >> lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately." >> >> Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am >> going to >> switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, >> but >> please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, >> and >> if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." >> >> And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We >> hope >> you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you >> for a >> ride." >> >> As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in >> front of >> us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the >> overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This >> aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors >> the >> cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats >> until >> the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be >> strip-searched as they leave the aircraft. >> >> Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our >> cruising >> altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching >> to >> autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for >> the >> rest of the flight." >> >> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a >> lone >> voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!" >> >> >> "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the >> overhead >> area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before >> assisting >> children or adults acting like children." >> >> "As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your >> belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the >> flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." >> >> "Last one off the plane must clean it." >> >> And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have >> some >> of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of >> them >> are on this flight...! >> >> Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt >> Lake >> City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was >> quite a >> bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it >> wasn't >> the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight >> attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!" >> >> Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a >> particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the >> Captain >> was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard >> landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies >> and >> Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your >> seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane >> to >> the gate!" >> >> Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We >> ask >> you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the >> terminal." >> >> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a >> flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care >> when >> opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, >> sure >> as hell everything has shifted." >> >> From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest >> Flight >> XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the >> buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and >> if >> you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in >> public >> unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen >> masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and >> pull >> it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, >> secure >> your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two >> small children, decide now which one you love more. >> Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but >> they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and >> remember, >> nobody loves you, or your money, more than >> Southwest Airlines." >> >> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered >> his >> ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which >> required >> the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, >> smile, >> and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in >> light of >> his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, >> thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone >> had >> gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She >> said, >> "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the >> pilot,>> "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot >> down?" >> >> After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant >> came on >> with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain >> Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up >> against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the >> warning >> bells are silence, we'll open the door and you can pick your way >> through >> the wreckage to the terminal. >> >> Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to >> thank you >> folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane >> urge >> to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope >> you'll think of us here at USAirways."