COLLECTION OF QUOTES

>>>Have you ever noticed....  Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
>>>anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
>>>* George Carlin
>>>
>>>
>>>You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother, she started walking
>>>five miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 today and we don't know
>>>where the hell she is.
>>>* Ellen DeGeneris
>>>
>>>
>>>I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
>>>marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
>>>* Rita Rudner
>>>
>>>
>>>I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.  So I grew
>>>hair under my arms instead.
>>>* Sue Kolinsky
>>>
>>>
>>>I'm not into working out.  My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
>>>
>>>* Carol Leifer
>>>
>>>
>>>I have a great diet.  You're allowed to eat anything you want,
>>>but you must eat it with naked fat people.
>>>* Ed Bluestone
>>>
>>>
>>>The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By
>>>the second day you're off it.
>>>* Jackie Gleason
>>>
>>>
>>>I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."
>>>The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
>>>* Jay Leno
>>>
>>>
>>>The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would
>>>not be caught dead in otherwise.
>>>* Roger Simon
>>>
>>>
>>>I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
>>>helmets.
>>>* Dave Edison
>>>
>>>
>>>If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television
>>>by candlelight.
>>>* George Gobel
>>>
>>>
>>>Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the
>>>Salvation Army instead.  They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.   Next
>>>morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
>>>* Billiam Coronel
>>>
>>>
>>>Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same.
>>>* Oscar Wilde
>>>
>>>
>>>I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
>>>because I hate plants.
>>>* A. Whitney Brown
>>>
>>>
>>>If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
>>>an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
>>>considering if there is a man on base.
>>>* Dave Barry
>>>
>>>
>>>Suppose you were an idiot...  And suppose you were a member of
>>>Congress ...  But I repeat myself.
>>>* MarkTwain
>>>
>>>
>>>Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.  At
>>>least they can find Kuwait
>>>* A. Whitney Brown
>>>
>>>
>>>Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just
>>>having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when
>>>they're eating sandwiches.
>>>* Jim Carrey
>>>
>>>
>>>My mom said she learned how to swim.  Someone took her out in the
>>>lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim.  I
>>>said,  "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
>>>* Paula Poundstone
>>>
>>>
>>>I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability
>>>to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That
>>>could be.  But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
>>>animals.  We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
>>>* Jeff Stilson
>>>
>>>
>>>Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?  I
>>>think that's how dogs spend their lives.
>>>* Sue Murphy
>>>
>>>
>>>I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
>>>something else.
>>>* Lily Tomlin
>>>
>>>
>>>Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
>>>violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
>>>all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.  Maybe you should
>>>get rid of the body before you do the wash.
>>>* Jerry Seinfeld
>>>
>>>
>>>Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
>>>through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a
>>>slow learner.
>>>* Lynda Montgomery
>>>
>>>
>>>What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
>>>
>>>* Marilyn Pittman
>>>
>>>
>>>Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but
>>>when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
>>>* Lily Tomlin
>>>
>>>
>>>When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in
>>>the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
>>>* Robin Williams
>>>
>>>
>>>Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color,
>>>but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.