FATHER NATURE
>> COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING - (the author is >> responding to a woman >> who accidentally walked into the men's restroom): >> Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's >> washroom that >> caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we >> do that all the >> time. It's rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for. >> Sometimes I go >> into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start >> spinning around; just >> so I'll make sure I hit something. >> You see, something you ladies should understand by now >> is that men's >> penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a >> bathroom stall >> because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim >> at the toilet, >> and his penis will still manage to piss all over the >> roll of toilet paper, >> down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling >> 'ya those little >> buggers can't be trusted. After being married 28 years >> my wife has me >> trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - >> standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. >> She has convinced me that this is a small >> price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet >> one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked >> toilet seat, or fell right into the >> toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was >> going to kill me in my sleep. >> Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk >> about, but because you and I have become such good >> friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I >> might as well be candid with you because it's a real >> problem, and you >> ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded >> "morning wood". >> Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous >> desire to pee, and >> a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no >> matter how hard >> you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it >> won't bend you can't >> aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but >> to piss all over >> the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you >> women insist on >> putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use >> those damn fuzzy >> toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay >> up by itself. >> So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet >> seat and the >> other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. >> Now sometimes, >> when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here >> will back me up on >> this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that >> damn fuzzy thing to >> stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing >> until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that >> compressed fuzzy >> starts to decompress and without warning that damn >> toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. >> So us guys will not lift a >> toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried >> to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told >> her...look, it won't >> bend. She said, "so sit down like I told you to do all >> the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with >> "morning wood". >> Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, >> and before I could >> manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging >> on the wall across the room. >> Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get >> it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to >> pee the pee shoots >> out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat >> and the top of >> the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and >> it runs down the >> back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy >> horseshoe rug you keep >> putting on the floor in front of the toilet. >> I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with >> this morning >> urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman >> position laying over the >> toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, >> perfect balance, and >> split time precision, but it's the only sure way to get >> all the pee in the >> bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have >> to understand that >> us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to >> your concerns about >> hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times >> when things just get >> beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just >> Mother Nature. >> Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a >> problem!!!