1. OVERTURE: Beard's Theme
Yeeeeeah!!
I Grew me
a Mark Beard!
Grew me
a Mark Beard!
Grew me
a Mark Beard!
Grew me
a, grew me a,
I grew me
a Mark Beard, yes I did!
(Whoa-oh-ho
Ho-oh, My name's Mark Beard)
Hell Yeah! (Ya know, ya know)
2. FIREY DEMONS (Come Ye All)
Burn!
(moaning)
Burn!
(moaning)
Burn!
(moaning)
Oh, but
in the darkness, curling tongues of flame,
Burn! (moaning)
Quietly
crackling as he lays asleep,
Burn!
(moaning)
Firey Demons,
Come Ye All!
I command thee, Mark Beard's house
to Burn!
(moaning)
Bwah-Hah!
3. JUST MONKEYIN' AROUND
(various monkey noises)
4. MONKEY BUSINESS
We're doin'
Monkey Business!
Monkey Business
Monkey,
Monkey of Evil.
I'd been
swingin' on the Monkey Bars of despair
for so long,
My heart
was in a zoo.
People came
by with the kids and took pictures of me.
Hell, I
don't mind.
Cos now,
I'm, I'm a Monkey.
Put on my Monkey Suit.
It was the
Monkey House, or the poor house, yeah.
So I, I
took off for the BUTTHOUSE.
Now lemme,
lemme tell ya people,
I'll be
in the doghouse, if I don't, if I don't,
Take this
match and this gasoline can,
And burn
down Mark Beard's House
Throw a Monkey Wrench....
Cos I'm a
Monkey....
Monkey of
Evil
Well, Monkey see, Monkey do.......yeah.
Yeah, it's
tough bein' evil.
I'm eye-to-eye
with the APES of Wrath.
Well, you
can, you can goddamn teach me the alphabet,
Yeah!
But, word
up!
I'll still
be a Monkey
Monkey of
Evil!
Goddamn.
(repeat to chaos)
5. [Incident]
(spoken)
"William Conrad is dead!"
(indescribable
noisescape, laughter)
6. COME TO THE BUTTHOUSE
So your house
burned down, Mark Beard?
Well, isn't
that a shame. (what a shame)
Come to
the BUTTHOUSE,
Everything
will be fine.
7. BUTTHOUSE
Yeah.....YEAH!
Take me
to the BUTTHOUSE tonight!
I said yeah.......YEAH!
Take me
to the BUTTHOUSE alright!
I said,
take me to the BUTTHOUSE,
Take me
to the BUTTHOUSE,
Take me
to the BUTTHOUSE tonight, yeah, yeah!
I said,
take me to the BUTTHOUSE,
Just drop
me in the BUTTHOUSE
Drop me
in the BUTTHOUSE, alright!
Alright,
Alright!
(Jammin'
Harmonica Solo)
(Wailin'
Guitar Solo)
(Unknown
instrument solo.....involves feedback)
Yeah.......YEAH!
Take me
to the BUTTHOUSE tonight, yeah, yeah!
I said,
yeah.........HELL YEAH!
Drop me
in the BUTTHOUSE, alright, alright, ya know,
When we
hit the BUTTHOUSE,
When we
hit the BUTTHOUSE,
Everything's
gonna be alright.
When we
hit the BUTTHOUSE,
When we
finally hit the BUTTHOUSE,
Everything
is gonna be alright!
(Voice of Jay Hunt:
YOU'VE REACHED THE BUTTHOUSE!)
Act Two:
8. BEARD'S AWAKENING
(yawning)
Aw, fuck
yeah!
What a fucking
beautiful morning!
Listen to
those fucking birds singing!
Aw, hum
de dum,
Hum de fucking
tra-la-la.
Hey, this
isn't my house.
This is
NOT MY HOUSE.
THIS IS
NOT MY HOUSE.
This is...
This is
like no house I've ever seen before.
What house
is this?
What house
is this??
What HOUSE
is this???
What house
IS this????
(moaning)
What house
is this?????
It's not
the Fire House,
It's not
MY house,
It's not
any of my friends' houses,
It's...
It's..
It's not
MY house....
What HOUSE
is this??????
What HOUSE
is this???????
Oh NO! It
is the BUTTHOUSE.
I'm at the
BUTTHOUSE.
Oh no, oh
no.
I, Mark
Beard, am at the BUTTHOUSE.
My name is
Mark Beard and I am at BUTTHOUSE.
(repeated)
(moaning)
9. KRISPY KREME (We Got Donuts)
(eating)
Mmmm! This
is a really good donut....
I could
eat it all day...
Mmmmm-hmmmm!
Lemme tell
ya, what we got!
We Got Donuts In The BUTTHOUSE
(Horn Lick Trade-off)
We Got Donuts In The BUTTHOUSE
We got any
more donuts?
Yeah, here's
one.
[voice of
high energy prop comic: Gallagher]
DONUTS!
10. SEND HELP: Part Noonan
(dialogue)
Keep Calm!
Honk your
horn and flash your lights to attract
attention!
Do not betray
your residence to your follower:
You may
be setting yourself up as a victim in the
future!
Keep your
gas tank full, and your car in good repair!
Do not pick
up hitchhikers!
If necessary,
drive into someone's driveway and honk
the horn!
Keep Calm!
Remember
the weapons you have at your disposal: keys,
hairpins, fingernails, teeth, forehead, elbows,
knees, and feet!
11. BUTTHOUSE
BUTTHOUSE
BUTTHOUSE
BUTTHOUSE
BUTTHOUSE
12. SEND HELP: Part Two
Keep Calm!
Remember
your attacker's weak points: eyes, nose, solar
plexus, groin, knees, shin, ankles, and toes!
Do not leave
you car. Consider it a SUIT OF ARMOUR!
Consider
it a SUIT OF ARMOUR!
Consider
it a SUIT OF ARMOUR!!
Consider
it a SUIT OF ARMOUR!!!
CONSIDER
IT A SUIT OF ARMOUR!!!!
If you have
a breakdown along the road, do not open
your door to a stranger; ask him to summon the police!
Consider
it a SUIT OF ARMOUR!
CONSIDER
IT A SUIT OF ARMOUR!!
13. DECIDUOUS BASTARD
Rocks!
Water!
Pine Trees!
14. BUTTHOUSE
He who seeks
BUTTHOUSE,
Shall BUTTHOUSE
find.
15. [A Message To Jon Herring]
(spoken)
Hey, this is the, ah, Flowers of Disgust.
We hope
you're enjoying BUTTHOUSE, so far,
And if this
is Jon Herring, we'd just like to say,
Go to Hell.
16. BEARD'S LAMENT
Oh, Mark
Beard, what will you do?
You're here
in the BUTTHOUSE, here to stay,
Oh, WHOA-ho!
Mark Beard,
Mark Beard!
Mark Beard,
Mark Beard!
17. UNCLE WIGGLY'S ADVENTURE
aw yeah,
yeah.
alright,
yeah.
Way over
yonder, on a hill overlookin' the village,
I see a
creature.
He's got
a wide-brimmed tophat in one hand.
He's got
a blue ribbon runnin' round his neck.
He's got
a yellow vest, got pants,
He's got
a cane, it's got stripes on it.
He's got
a crowd around him, an awed crowd.
Members
of the animal kingdom, representing all various
Life forms,
races, that sort of thing. (a congregation)
What do
I see???
I see a.....
rooster.
With a bonnet
on its head.
I see a
toad wearin' pants.....pants.
I see a
rhino with a snowcap on, and a belt.
I see a
birdie with a hat on, a squirril with a sweater, oooh!
They're
watchin' Uncle Wiggly and his Smooth-Talkin' Jive,
Uncle Wiggly's
Smooth-Talkin' Jive.
Uncle Wiggly's
tophat and his smooth-talkin' jive
Are gonna
groove you to next Thursday, and it
Ain't no
thang.
Join the
rabbit gentlemen on an exciting adventure.
(be the first to get uncle Wiggly to Dr. Possum's House
2-4 players, ages 4 and up)
Uncle Wiggly's
Adventure is about to start!
18. EASE-A-PHONE
Buddada-dup, buddaduddump, buhdump, (x8 or so)
19. THE SCAB-EAT WOMAN
Mark Beard!
You're covered
with scabs!
Oooh, but
who can eat them away?
The Scab-Eat
Woman, baby, baby yeah!
Raised by
Robots, on a satellite up in space!
Space, baby,
get down!
Be afraid,
cos even wolves hid their teeth,
when the
Scab-Eat Woman came their way!
Oooh! Baby,
baby, hold on tight! Scab-Eat Woman
make everything
alright!
20. --
The Scab-Eat
Woman lives with me.
The Scab-Eat
Woman knows my name.
I don't
even have a watch--it's OK.
When I want
to know the time,
I ask the
Scab-Eat Woman,
She tells
me.
21. OUTER SPACE GIRLS
(Robot voice)
And now a message
from the Robots' Perspective
We are the Robots
who raised the Scab-Eat Woman!
On a satallite
in outer-space!
Please don't blame
the Scab-Eat Woman,
She is only what
we made her!
Ohh, Scab-Eat
Woman!
22. BALLAD OF THE SCAB-EAT WOMAN
If even wolves
will hide their teeth,
Then how does
Mark Beard's heart hold back its beat
From the frightening,
briney firgure called,
The Scab-Eat woman
lived alone,
The Scab-Eat woman
is misunderstood.
Her skin is made
of wax.
I hear them say
that love is blind,
And that must
be why Mark Beard doesn't mind
the puss that
drips from her eyes.
Mark Beard's heart
was set aflame.
She eats his scabs,
he loves her the same.
Now, Mark Beard's
boat might float away.
He gave the anchor
to her just today,
Her collection,
it grows and grows.
Well, Mark Beard
likes to care for them.
He polishes them
for his girlfriend,
But he's not allowed
to touch them.
The Scab-Eat Woman
has a beard,
But to Mark that
really isn't all that weird,
He lets her borrow
his razor!
On the satallite
of hate,
It's like they
always say,
MEN ARE MONKEYS,
ROBOTS WIN.
They're coming
for you today.
Now there are dogs
with shiny teeth,
You see, these
dogs are robots, not mere beasts.
Mechanical Horror
Dogs!
And Mark Beard,
he went out one day,
The wicked ones
did not stand in his way!
They hid in the
dark folds of the night.
Was she kidnapped,
or was she ate?
Will poor Mark
Beard ever learn her fate?
What did they
do to his Scab-Eat Love?
Act Three:
23. HELP ME (I'm On Fire)
(features 16-piece nose-flute orchestra)
24. SHRINK WHEN YOU TOUCH THE GLOVE
It's
a small door, you can't deny
That
leads into the boiling room.
You've
come so far, Mark Beard.
You
must find the BUTTMASTER.
For
only he can bring her back!
Touch the Glove!!
It's
a small door, and you're such a big fellow.
Mark
Beard, your love awaits.
And
you must sacrifice your bigness
If
you ever want to escape.
Mark
Beard, remember.....
[sound of a wild cocktail party]
Shrink
When
you touch the Glove.
Shrink
When
you touch the Glove.
Shrink
When
you touch the Glove.
Shrink
When
you touch the Glove.
25. THA BOILING ROOM
Well, I'm the superintendant of tha Boiling Room.
I hope you brought your.....
Cos I'm a big daddy catfish, hook, line, and sinker,
I'll make you wish you'd....
Boil to the left, and boil to the right,
But don't forget to.....
I'm the meanest lion in the whole damn pride,
You've surely seen my.....
Myyyyyyyyyyy teeth are sharp!
My mouth is filled with.......
But I'll give you a scare, and a run for ya money
When I show you my.......
I've three buckets, one's metal, one's wood,
And one is filled with........
My favorite thing in the world to do
Is go and watch the.......
Don't look at me wrong, you son-of-a-bitch,
Or I'll cut off your.......
(wailin' guitar solo)
(guitar/slide whistle lick trade-off)
YOU WILL BOIL
YOU WILL BURN
SLAY JESUS CHRIST
NEVER RETURN
WELCOME TO THA BOILING ROOM
(BOILING ROOM)
26. THE BUTTMASTER
Listen to the sound!
The sound of the voice!
The voice of the house!
BUTTHOUSE!!
I am the BUTTMASTER!
I am you lord and master!
I am your best friend!
I am your plumber!
I am your smoke-detector!
I am your favorite T-Shirt!
I am your oven-mitts!
I am your barber!
I am your caddy!
I am your shoeshine boy.
Listen to the sound of the voice of the house
of the BUTTHOUSE
27. THE JOURNEY BEGINS
BUTTHOUSE, what a house!
Full of things both nice and foul!
BUTTHOUSE, what a house!
In my heart and in my soul!
BUTTHOUSE, what a house!
Now the Monkeys are my friends!
BUTTHOUSE, what a house!
Thanks to you, the Journey Begins!
BUTTHOUSE, what a house!
Full of things both nice and foul!
BUTTHOUSE, what a house!
In my heart and in my soul!
BUTTHOUSE, what a house!
Men are Monkeys, Robots win!
BUTTHOUSE, what a house!
Thanks to you the Journey Begins!