flowers of disgust
"men are monkeys, robots win."
 

 Lyrics: ButtHouse 
Act One:

     1. OVERTURE: Beard's Theme

          Yeeeeeah!!
          I Grew me a Mark Beard!
          Grew me a Mark Beard!
          Grew me a Mark Beard!
          Grew me a, grew me a,
          I grew me a Mark Beard, yes I did!
          (Whoa-oh-ho Ho-oh, My name's Mark Beard)

          Hell Yeah! (Ya know, ya know)

     2. FIREY DEMONS (Come Ye All)

          Burn!  (moaning)
          Burn!  (moaning)
          Burn!  (moaning)
          Oh, but in the darkness, curling tongues of flame,           Burn!  (moaning)
          Quietly crackling as he lays asleep,
          Burn!  (moaning)
          Firey Demons, Come Ye All!
                  I command thee, Mark Beard's house
          to Burn!  (moaning)
          Bwah-Hah!

     3. JUST MONKEYIN' AROUND

          (various monkey noises)

     4. MONKEY BUSINESS

          We're doin' Monkey Business!
          Monkey Business
          Monkey, Monkey of Evil.

          I'd been swingin' on the Monkey Bars of despair
               for so long,
          My heart was in a zoo.
          People came by with the kids and took pictures of me.
          Hell, I don't mind.
          Cos now, I'm, I'm a Monkey.

          Put on my Monkey Suit.

          It was the Monkey House, or the poor house, yeah.
          So I, I took off for the BUTTHOUSE.
          Now lemme, lemme tell ya people,
          I'll be in the doghouse, if I don't, if I don't,
          Take this match and this gasoline can,
          And burn down Mark Beard's House

          Throw a Monkey Wrench....

          Cos I'm a Monkey....
          Monkey of Evil

          Well, Monkey see, Monkey do.......yeah.

          Yeah, it's tough bein' evil.
          I'm eye-to-eye with the APES of Wrath.
          Well, you can, you can goddamn teach me the alphabet,
          Yeah!
          But, word up!
          I'll still be a Monkey
          Monkey of Evil!
          Goddamn.

          (repeat to chaos)

     5. [Incident]

          (spoken) "William Conrad is dead!"
           (indescribable noisescape, laughter)

     6. COME TO THE BUTTHOUSE

          So your house burned down, Mark Beard?
          Well, isn't that a shame. (what a shame)
          Come to the BUTTHOUSE,
          Everything will be fine.

     7. BUTTHOUSE

          Yeah.....YEAH!
          Take me to the BUTTHOUSE tonight!
          I said yeah.......YEAH!
          Take me to the BUTTHOUSE alright!
          I said, take me to the BUTTHOUSE,
          Take me to the BUTTHOUSE,
          Take me to the BUTTHOUSE tonight, yeah, yeah!
          I said, take me to the BUTTHOUSE,
          Just drop me in the BUTTHOUSE
          Drop me in the BUTTHOUSE, alright!
          Alright, Alright!

          (Jammin' Harmonica Solo)
          (Wailin' Guitar Solo)
          (Unknown instrument solo.....involves feedback)

          Yeah.......YEAH!
          Take me to the BUTTHOUSE tonight, yeah, yeah!
          I said, yeah.........HELL YEAH!
          Drop me in the BUTTHOUSE, alright, alright, ya know,
          When we hit the BUTTHOUSE,
          When we hit the BUTTHOUSE,
          Everything's gonna be alright.
          When we hit the BUTTHOUSE,
          When we finally hit the BUTTHOUSE,
          Everything is gonna be alright!

         (Voice of Jay Hunt: YOU'VE REACHED THE BUTTHOUSE!)
 

Act Two:

     8. BEARD'S AWAKENING

          (yawning)
          Aw, fuck yeah!
          What a fucking beautiful morning!
          Listen to those fucking birds singing!
          Aw, hum de dum,
          Hum de fucking tra-la-la.
          Hey, this isn't my house.
          This is NOT MY HOUSE.
          THIS IS NOT MY HOUSE.
          This is...
          This is like no house I've ever seen before.
          What house is this?
          What house is this??
          What HOUSE is this???
          What house IS this????
          (moaning)
          What house is this?????
          It's not the Fire House,
          It's not MY house,
          It's not any of my friends' houses,
          It's... It's..
          It's not MY house....
          What HOUSE is this??????
          What HOUSE is this???????
          Oh NO! It is the BUTTHOUSE.
          I'm at the BUTTHOUSE.
          Oh no, oh no.
          I, Mark Beard, am at the BUTTHOUSE.

          My name is Mark Beard and I am at BUTTHOUSE.
              (repeated)
               (moaning)

     9. KRISPY KREME (We Got Donuts)

          (eating)
          Mmmm! This is a really good donut....
          I could eat it all day...
          Mmmmm-hmmmm!
          Lemme tell ya, what we got!

          We Got Donuts In The BUTTHOUSE

               (Horn Lick Trade-off)

          We Got Donuts In The BUTTHOUSE

          We got any more donuts?
          Yeah, here's one.
          [voice of high energy prop comic: Gallagher]
          DONUTS!

     10. SEND HELP: Part Noonan

          (dialogue)

          Keep Calm!
          Honk your horn and flash your lights to attract           attention!
          Do not betray your residence to your follower:
          You may be setting yourself up as a victim in the
            future!
          Keep your gas tank full, and your car in good repair!
          Do not pick up hitchhikers!
          If necessary, drive into someone's driveway and honk               the horn!
          Keep Calm!
          Remember the weapons you have at your disposal: keys,             hairpins, fingernails, teeth, forehead, elbows,             knees, and feet!

     11. BUTTHOUSE

          BUTTHOUSE
          BUTTHOUSE
          BUTTHOUSE
          BUTTHOUSE

     12. SEND HELP: Part Two

          Keep Calm!
          Remember your attacker's weak points: eyes, nose, solar             plexus, groin, knees, shin, ankles, and toes!
          Do not leave you car. Consider it a SUIT OF ARMOUR!
          Consider it a SUIT OF ARMOUR!
          Consider it a SUIT OF ARMOUR!!
          Consider it a SUIT OF ARMOUR!!!
          CONSIDER IT A SUIT OF ARMOUR!!!!
          If you have a breakdown along the road, do not open            your door to a stranger; ask him to summon the police!
          Consider it a SUIT OF ARMOUR!
          CONSIDER IT A SUIT OF ARMOUR!!

     13. DECIDUOUS BASTARD

          Rocks!
          Water!
          Pine Trees!

     14. BUTTHOUSE

          He who seeks BUTTHOUSE,
          Shall BUTTHOUSE find.

     15. [A Message To Jon Herring]

          (spoken) Hey, this is the, ah, Flowers of Disgust.
          We hope you're enjoying BUTTHOUSE, so far,
          And if this is Jon Herring, we'd just like to say,
          Go to Hell.

     16. BEARD'S LAMENT

          Oh, Mark Beard, what will you do?
          You're here in the BUTTHOUSE, here to stay,
          Oh, WHOA-ho!
          Mark Beard, Mark Beard!
          Mark Beard, Mark Beard!

     17. UNCLE WIGGLY'S ADVENTURE

          aw yeah, yeah.
          alright, yeah.
          Way over yonder, on a hill overlookin' the village,
          I see a creature.
          He's got a wide-brimmed tophat in one hand.
          He's got a blue ribbon runnin' round his neck.
          He's got a yellow vest, got pants,
          He's got a cane, it's got stripes on it.
          He's got a crowd around him, an awed crowd.
          Members of the animal kingdom, representing all various
          Life forms, races, that sort of thing. (a congregation)
          What do I see???
          I see a..... rooster.
          With a bonnet on its head.
          I see a toad wearin' pants.....pants.
          I see a rhino with a snowcap on, and a belt.
          I see a birdie with a hat on, a squirril with a sweater, oooh!
          They're watchin' Uncle Wiggly and his Smooth-Talkin' Jive,
          Uncle Wiggly's Smooth-Talkin' Jive.
          Uncle Wiggly's tophat and his smooth-talkin' jive
          Are gonna groove you to next Thursday, and it
          Ain't no thang.

          Join the rabbit gentlemen on an exciting adventure.
                 (be the first to get uncle Wiggly to Dr. Possum's House
                  2-4 players, ages 4 and up)
          Uncle Wiggly's Adventure is about to start!

     18. EASE-A-PHONE

          Buddada-dup, buddaduddump, buhdump, (x8 or so)

     19. THE SCAB-EAT WOMAN

          Mark Beard!
          You're covered with scabs!
          Oooh, but who can eat them away?

          The Scab-Eat Woman, baby, baby yeah!
          Raised by Robots, on a satellite up in space!
          Space, baby, get down!

          Be afraid, cos even wolves hid their teeth,
          when the Scab-Eat Woman came their way!
 
 

          Oooh! Baby, baby, hold on tight! Scab-Eat Woman
          make everything alright!
 
 

     20. --

          The Scab-Eat Woman lives with me.
          The Scab-Eat Woman knows my name.
          I don't even have a watch--it's OK.
          When I want to know the time,
          I ask the Scab-Eat Woman,
          She tells me.

     21. OUTER SPACE GIRLS

          (Robot voice)
         And now a message from the Robots' Perspective

         We are the Robots who raised the Scab-Eat Woman!
         On a satallite in outer-space!
         Please don't blame the Scab-Eat Woman,
         She is only what we made her!
         Ohh, Scab-Eat Woman!

     22. BALLAD OF THE SCAB-EAT WOMAN

         If even wolves will hide their teeth,
         Then how does Mark Beard's heart hold back its beat
         From the frightening, briney firgure called,
         The Scab-Eat woman lived alone,
         The Scab-Eat woman is misunderstood.
         Her skin is made of wax.
         I hear them say that love is blind,
         And that must be why Mark Beard doesn't mind
         the puss that drips from her eyes.

         Mark Beard's heart was set aflame.
         She eats his scabs, he loves her the same.

         Now, Mark Beard's boat might float away.
         He gave the anchor to her just today,
         Her collection, it grows and grows.
         Well, Mark Beard likes to care for them.
         He polishes them for his girlfriend,
         But he's not allowed to touch them.
         The Scab-Eat Woman has a beard,
         But to Mark that really isn't all that weird,
         He lets her borrow his razor!
 
 

         On the satallite of hate,
         It's like they always say,
         MEN ARE MONKEYS, ROBOTS WIN.
         They're coming for you today.

         Now there are dogs with shiny teeth,
         You see, these dogs are robots, not mere beasts.
         Mechanical Horror Dogs!
         And Mark Beard, he went out one day,
         The wicked ones did not stand in his way!
         They hid in the dark folds of the night.
         Was she kidnapped, or was she ate?
         Will poor Mark Beard ever learn her fate?
         What did they do to his Scab-Eat Love?
 
 

Act Three:

     23. HELP ME (I'm On Fire)

           (features 16-piece nose-flute orchestra)

     24. SHRINK WHEN YOU TOUCH THE GLOVE

           It's a small door, you can't deny
           That leads into the boiling room.
           You've come so far, Mark Beard.
           You must find the BUTTMASTER.
           For only he can bring her back!

           Touch the Glove!!

           It's a small door, and you're such a big fellow.
           Mark Beard, your love awaits.
           And you must sacrifice your bigness
           If  you ever want to escape.
           Mark Beard, remember.....

           [sound of a wild cocktail party]

                   Shrink
           When you touch the Glove.
           Shrink
           When you touch the Glove.
           Shrink
           When you touch the Glove.
           Shrink
           When you touch the Glove.

     25. THA BOILING ROOM

            Well, I'm the superintendant of tha Boiling Room.
            I hope you brought your.....
            Cos I'm a big daddy catfish, hook, line, and sinker,
            I'll make you wish you'd....
            Boil to the left, and boil to the right,
            But don't forget to.....
            I'm the meanest lion in the whole damn pride,
            You've surely seen my.....
            Myyyyyyyyyyy teeth are sharp!
            My mouth is filled with.......
            But I'll give you a scare, and a run for ya money
            When I show you my.......
            I've three buckets, one's metal, one's wood,
            And one is filled with........
            My favorite thing in the world to do
            Is go and watch the.......
            Don't look at me wrong, you son-of-a-bitch,
            Or I'll cut off your.......

            (wailin' guitar solo)
            (guitar/slide whistle lick trade-off)

            YOU WILL BOIL
            YOU WILL BURN
            SLAY JESUS CHRIST
            NEVER RETURN

            WELCOME TO THA BOILING ROOM
                        (BOILING ROOM)

     26. THE BUTTMASTER

            Listen to the sound!
            The sound of the voice!
            The voice of the house!
            BUTTHOUSE!!

            I am the BUTTMASTER!
            I am you lord and master!
            I am your best friend!
            I am your plumber!
            I am your smoke-detector!
            I am your favorite T-Shirt!
            I am your oven-mitts!
            I am your barber!
            I am your caddy!
            I am your shoeshine boy.

            Listen to the sound of the voice of the house
            of the BUTTHOUSE

     27. THE JOURNEY BEGINS

            BUTTHOUSE, what a house!
            Full of things both nice and foul!
            BUTTHOUSE, what a house!
            In my heart and in my soul!

            BUTTHOUSE, what a house!
            Now the Monkeys are my friends!
            BUTTHOUSE, what a house!
            Thanks to you, the Journey Begins!

            BUTTHOUSE, what a house!
            Full of things both nice and foul!
            BUTTHOUSE, what a house!
            In my heart and in my soul!

            BUTTHOUSE, what a house!
            Men are Monkeys, Robots win!
            BUTTHOUSE, what a house!
            Thanks to you the Journey Begins!