Shortly after we adopted Suzi, our 15 year old, I figured it was time to get serious about treating the lick granuloma we inherited along with this amazing ”Kennel Matron.” We put a sock on it, sprayed vet wrap with Bitter Apple, tried multiple layers of gauze and bandage. Poor Suzi looked like she’d stuck her foot in white lasagna. All to no avail. She wouldn’t leave it alone.

The holistic partner of our wonder-vet suggested perhaps Suzi was bored, or had Seperation Anxiety, or maybe was experiencing “ghost” pain. If so, he had just the thing! Tiny little white tablets that looked like tapioca beads called calcaria - two twice a day should do the trick. They came in a small, suspicious looking, thin dark brown vial with a blue plastic twist thing on top.

To be truly effective, he said, you cannot touch them as that will destroy their energy field. Just turn the vial upside down and with each twist of the top, one pill will drop into the little built-in cup. Then, you empty them from the cup directly into her mouth. Now, I like this guy, and at this point we were willing to try anything. We got the calcaria at one of those gourmet groceries, you know the kind; they specialize in free-range carrots and sell mango-raspberry vinegar with twigs in the bottle.

Okay Suzi, we’re going for the cure. I made sure she looked comfortable and that the other hounds were thoroughly occupied with their naps. Turning the vial upside down, I twisted the cap once (tiny “plunk””) and again (another tiny “plunk”!). There were two little ball bearing pills in the cup! Now to get them down her throat without touching them and the magic would begin.

Maybe, like me, you’ve found the very first pill is the easist to give; they don’t know what’s coming...yet. No greyhound in my family will pass up the possibility of a treat, even if it is new and different. Open Suzi’s unitoothed mouth, move her tongue to the side and pour the two little pills down her throat. Galumph, big swallow, piece of cake! Maybe Suzi had a fleeting case of Age Associated Memory Impairment, because Dose Two was equally as easy to administer.

The next day I was running late for work, so Suzi would her get her first set of pills when I came home for lunch. She was still working away at her foot, but hey, it was early days yet. I’m not unreasonable.

Lunchtime arrives, I get home, let the other puppers outside and close the door. Hi Suzi, let’s do it again, okay? She seemed to be in agreement, so I retrieved the little brown vial from it’s cool dark place, twisted the top twice and moved Suzi’s tongue to the side. I dropped the pills onto the back of her tongue then watched them fall, one, then the other, out of the other side of her mouth. I can’t pick them up and put them in her mouth; that’ll destroy their power. So, I twisted the top twice again, plunk, plunk, and tried to open her jaw. Well, she wasn’t having any. No sir. The two little pills fell out of the cup onto the rug. Ok. let’s try this again. Twist, twist, plunk, plunk and this time keep the vial upright. Oh, Suuuuuuzzzziiiii, see what I’ve got for you! Got her mouth open, poured in the pills from the opposite side and out they came again. Of was it just one? I couldn’t tell.

Maybe one with an undistrubed energy field plus one wearing carpet fuzz will work as well. It’s worth a try. I saw a little white pill on the floor near my foot, picked it up very carefully and placed it in the back of Suzi’s mouth. Eagle eyed, I watched for the galumph. No galumph. But where was the pill? I’m frustrated now, the other dogs want to come back inside and I’m not going to get any lunch. I saw the rest of the little white pills and picked them up - not quite so carefully - and shoved them, one at a time, into Suzi’s mouth. There were no galumphs, so I kept feeding these little white beads, at least twelve of them, into her mouth, figuring she’d have to swallow soon. Galumph, galumph, swallow she did, twice, gave me a dirty look, tucked her head under her armpit and wouldn’t budge. Well, that’s all right, I must have gotten one more in her.

Wait a minute. Twelve pills? I only twisted the cap three times and I’m pretty sure one pill went down. That should have left no more than five pills on the floor. Twelve? Uh-oh.

Tess has this little pink mouse stuffy whose squeeker still works after almost two years. None of the other dogs were interested in playing with the pink mouse, which was good, because they tended to destroy their toys. There was the pink mouse, right there. I picked it up to check the squeeker and put my finger into a small hole in the mouse’s backside. Six little white tapioca bead like plastic balls fell onto the carpet. Ohhhhhhh. I had enhanced Suzi’s calcaria dose with the stuffing from Tessie’s pink mouse.

I let the dogs back in, slunk out of the house and left my Ancient of Days with her nose in her armpit and her tummy rattling with little plastic beads.

I don’t recommend this treatment for lick granulomas.