A sad thing happened to me tonight. I walked into my doctor’s office for a routine check-up, actually feeling pretty good. She looked at me, raised her eyebrows up to her hairline, uttered the most devastating "tsk tsk” and said, “Sit down, Nancy. We have to talk.”

Evidently I am overweight… a lot more overweight than I was when I saw her six months ago. She wasn’t crass enough to ask me whether I can see my feet when standing up, but did caution me about the perils of airplane aisles and turnstiles and suggested that I use the handicapped facilities in public restrooms.

I was reminded yet again just how much I would benefit from a program of regular exercise. It should be something that would involve the whole of me; my musculo-skeletal, respiratory, cardio-vascular, nervous, digestive/eliminative and what ever systems are left would benefit from consistent exercise, preferably on a daily basis. There are some caveats, however. Evidently repeatedly lifting a full fork during a ten-course meal can’t be written off as upper torso tuning any more than my smoking qualifies as inhalation therapy.

Mary, my doctor, said this: ”You’re always talking about your dogs. Greyhounds are pretty fast, aren’t they? There’s your answer; take your dogs for a brisk walk. You’ll all benefit.”

Since most aerobic exercise leaves me gasping for breath through cyanotic lips framed by a fuchsia face punctuated by bulging eyes and bad hair, a brisk walk with my dogs sounded doable. Honestly, I don’t want to look like a carrot stick in Spandex and “beach appeal” is no longer my primary motivation. I am not one of those fortunate athletically inclined, immortality motivated, “my body is a temple” type greyhound owners. But, I think, with some alterations, I can undertake the exercise du jour, powerwalking. This should keep the pups happy and elevate me from the ranks of “Tsk, tsk” into the rarefied air of “Hotcha!”.

Powerwalking with your Greyhound
or
Running in Place

For various reasons, I have a difficult time reaching and/or sustaining a beneficial speed when walking my pups. More on that in a moment. However, it can be done. And since I’m sure you want to get into as good or better shape than I will eventually be, let me share a few simple rules, such as…

If people, strangers as well as acquaintances, stop you whenever you walk your greyhound, switch to a morning powerwalk; as close to 5 a.m. as possible. Hit the streets before the milkman, the paper person and the commuters begin to emerge. If night walking is your thing, it's best you wait ‘til the Golden Retriever down the street has consumed everything in your trashcan and gone home for the night. One nighttime bonus is if the neighborhood cats have been let out; their presence greatly enhances the velocity of your powerwalk. Oh, and apparently you can powerwalk during a hurricane warning day or night, secure in the knowledge that you and your greyhound will be the only ones on the street.

If you can’t take advantage of the wee or wet hours, more imaginative methods of ensuring a real powerwalk must come into play. The following have earned accolades for their success. Learn what “No habla Inglis” means and repeat it frequently and loudly. Wear a goalie’s mask and carry a stick. Wear earphones, nod your head, snap your fingers and do an occasional “one - two - slide - together – stomp” step. Even better if the earphones aren’t plugged in to anything.

Your greyhound may itself impede your exercise regimen by bringing your powerwalk to a dead halt should the leash somehow end up caught around his/her butt. For some reason, this sensation sends “STOP NOW” signals to the greyhound brain and the dog does just that. So for your own safety, keep the leash higher than the dog. In a similar vein, powerwalking with more than one greyhound is an oxymoron, close to impossible. One always wants to go there although the other is temporarily happy here, and then of course, they have to switch, usually one directly in front of you and the other as far behind you as the leash allows. This situation is with two greyhounds. Imagine me trying to powerwalk with my four. We shall do our powerwalks in shifts in alphabetical order. That’ll work.

Be aware that your greyhound will have to perform its ablutions several times during your powerwalk. Your male thinks he’s obligated to anoint every vertical surface you pass. The benefits to your cardiovascular system will be much greater if you make it clear to him that he’ll have to settle for every tenth telephone pole or fire hydrant. Also, remember to stttrrrrettttchhh your legs and EXHALE whenever you bend over to pick up your hound’s deposit. The bennie here is that, in some neighborhoods, what you’re carrying can be used as a weapon. If that’s not needed, then what you’ve got is a disposable wrist weight. Or two.

The primary reason for my difficulty in managing a powerwalk is the extemporaneous Meet ‘n Greets guaranteed whenever I walk my hounds at a “normal” hour. To keep from ending up doing the second part of the title, avoid playgrounds, school bus stops, shopping malls and retirement communities. Under most circumstances, it is difficult to be consciously rude to young children and octogenarians. Thus, you’ll have to stop and talk, answer and explain, laugh a little and listen politely to “I once had a Pekingnese with bugout eyes. Name was Snidely. Bit everybody.” stories.

If you do end up having to curtail your powerwalk out of courtesy, a virtuous upbringing or a socio / economic / geographical misstep, be prepared to answer odd looks or direct questions regarding your running in place. Stock answers such as “My cardiologist insists I do this”, “I believe I sat on ants” while pulling out your waistband and looking down, “Do you see any?”, or “I have to pee sooooooo bad, I’m afraid to stop” may let you get back underway before too long.

One more thing before you lace up your Reeboks and grab your baseball cap; if you’re anything like me, you love to talk about your greyhound(s) and will tell every silly, sad and inspiring story you know to anyone who will listen. I’m too old to change now.

Powerwalk? Wish me luck!