| The Christmas Jukebox There is a great pub debate which sweeps the country at this time of year and it goes like this: What is the best Christmas song of all time? Now, as long as you're sitting in reasonably intelligent surroundings, the equation will come down to a simple contest between the world's two greatest songwriters, Lennon and McCartney, who both had a crack at releasing solo Christmas singles without the constraints of the wife-beating drummer and the bloke with the sitar. (However, this theory won't work if you're sitting at a table full of women who will probably go for Shakin' Stevens or The Wombles or something). Clueless students hellbent on pissing away their potential down the toilet will probably go for Happy Xmas (War Is Over) by Lennon, despite the fact that this is clearly WRONG. The best festive song of all time is of course Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney because it has a happy,bouncy feel to it and it has carol singers going 'Ding-Dong-Ding-Dong' repeatedly in the middle which is just great. Lennon simply uses the Christmas theme to have another go at an anti-war dirge and doesn't even bother to mention Father Christmas or Morecambe and Wise or any of the true heroes of Christmas. The lyrics in this song are absolutely dreadful, they probably didn't even have anything to do with Lennon himself, I suspect Yoko Ono wrote them all in-between painting butterflies and making sculptures out of poo. If Lennon had been alive during the Iraq conflict, he would probably have invited some more television cameras round his £28 million property to film him and his hairy monkey wife sitting in bed in protest at the whole thing. Thank God for Paul McCartney who, during the conflict, was OUT THERE on the battlefield, KICKING and PUNCHING Iraqi soldiers in their stupid faces! Luckily for us, there are lots of other great Christmas songs for us to put on our record players at this time of year. There's the Slade classic of course, and good old Cliff Richard can always be relied upon to release a heart-warming slice of festive cheer (although he did mess up a bit with that bloody awful Millenium Prayer thing - I think his original plan of reciting the whole of 'Revelation' from the Bible would have worked out better, but he couldn't edit it down to a radio-friendly mix). Perhaps the most IMPORTANT Christmas song ever released was the groundbreaking charity record Do They Know It's Christmas? by the ultimate supergroup, Band Aid. Not only did it save the lives of a couple of hundred starving Africans, but it also revived the career of many flagging 80's popstars, and proved with spectacular confidence that you can have a Christmas number one without the slightest hint of melody or coherent song structure. The Pylon Cafe was fortunate enough to be in the recording studios during this momentous event and we can now reveal for the first time a tiny snippet from the transcript of the tape recording we made. It's worth pointing out that Paul Weller from The Jam was not aware that we were recording and therefore spoke in his natural Newcastle accent which he tends to hide from the press. The Band Aid Tapes SIMON LE BON: Hi, everyone, I'm here! Sorry, I'm late, I couldn't park my big expensive yacht anywhere. So, where are all the starving Africans then? BOB GELDOF: No, you've misunderstood, we're here to record a single to help the starving Africans and I don't remember inviting any Duran Duran knobs. PAUL WELLER: Aye, it's shite though, man, it's a shite record, it just sounds shite, we shouldn't be recording this fucking shite, no-one's gonna wanna buy this. MIDGE URE: (hands on hips) Ooooh, well look at me everyone, I'm Paul Weller, oooooh, everyone look at me. PAUL WELLER: Oh aye, you're just a fucking knob man, get out of me face or I'll crack thee one. PAUL YOUNG: I don't feel very well, I think I might have to go to the toilet. BOB GELDOF: Look everyone, this is gonna be the best thing anyone ever did, we're making history here, let's all just make this work. Admittedly, the song was a little rushed and may not be to everyone's taste...... MIDGE URE: Oh, it's like that, is it? Maybe you should have written it all yourself Mr Fancy Pants out of the oh-so-big Boomtown Rats which by the way I don't think. BOB GELDOF: Please, let's not bicker amongst ourselves, let's get started on this, we've only booked the hall for half an hour, there's a karate lesson starting after that. Now, do we all know which bits we are supposed to be singing? PAUL WELLER: I'm not singing nowt on this shite,man, I'm away,like. NIK KERSHAW: Erm......I don't appear to have anything to sing on this, the lyric sheet must be wrong. PAUL YOUNG: Can I just sing the first bit and then go home, I really need to go to the toilet. BONO: No, I wanted to sing the first bit, Bob said I could, didn't you, Bob? Tell him, Bob, tell him I'm singing the first bit. BOB GELDOF: Right, well Paul Young's not feeling very well, so let him sing the first bit and we'll take it from there. BONO: You said I could do the first bit, you promised! (starts crying) I hate this, I hate today! PAUL WELLER: I wouldnae worry aboot it man, it's all fucking shite anyhow, it sounds like the fucking Thompson Twins or summat. BOB GELDOF: Shit! The Thompson Twins! I knew I'd forgotten to invite someone. MIDGE URE: Well, excuse me for a second, did The Thompson Twins write 'Vienna'? Hmmm, let me think, don't think they did, did they, I think that was me. Did The Thompson Twins write 'Visions In Blue'? Anyone? Does anyone in here know the answer, raise your hand if you do. PAUL WELLER: That was fucking shite an' all man, you should be ashamed o yoursen writing bollocks like that. Anyhow, this shite shouldna be called Do They Know It's Christmas, it should be called Do They Give A Gnat's Fucking Knacker That It's Fucking Christmas? NIK KERSHAW: I don't appear to have anything to do in this song. SIMON LE BON: Is this going to take much longer? I don't really understand what's happening, I was expecting lots of starving Africans to be here. BOB GELDOF: Oh, this is all going horribly wrong, I should have just recorded a duet with The Human League and be done with it. MIDGE URE: Oh don't be such a sissy drama queen Bob, we've already sold millions of advance copies without even recording a note. We could have just released a blank record and it would still have made millions of pounds. PAUL WELLER: Aye man, I would have fucking preferred it if you had done, you big Ultravox tosser. MIDGE URE: What I'm saying is that we can already start spending the money on charity because we've already made it! I put Francis Rossi out of Status Quo in charge of the budget this afternoon, he's been writing out cheques already, this is just one big success, everyone, let's all just have a big group hug! BOB GELDOF: Oh, well this is great news! Francis, you mean to say that vital supplies are already on their way to the people of Ethiopia? FRANCIS ROSSI: (Thumbs aloft, beaming with pride) Oh aye man, we've just spent six million quid on sending them as many Christmas Trees and fairy lights as we possibly can! Those starving Africans are gonna have a right rockin' christmas and no mistake! BOB GELDOF: Oh, for fuck's sake. |
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| Christmas Memories "My favourite Christmas was back in 1994 when all the family sat around the dining table and played a game of Risk. After Christmas Tea, I went upstairs and got a new high score on my Flight Simulator for my Amstrad. Then, to top it all off, I stayed up late eating scrummy mince pies and I was allowed to watch a late-night film, and there was a bit where a woman got her boobies out. It really was the best Christmas ever! Alex Sotheran, Ireland |
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