Salt and Light

Yes, it's been ages since I've posted. Yes, I realize that probably no one reads here anymore. That's ok. I'd like to start posting regularily again, but I'm not sure I will be able to keep it up. But I seem to find myself with more free time than usual.

The thing is, I'm sick. Pretty sick. I have taken a total of 6 days off work within 2 weeks. And I still have 2 days to go before I can go back. And I may need to check with my doctor before I even go back this week, because I don't want to risk relapsing and being gone from work even longer. It's not even that I'm worrying about my sick days running out, or that it will reflect badly on my review that I had to take so many days off (although those are both concerns.) The big thing is, I miss my kids.

I miss teaching them. My last real lesson, where I was healthy and alert and able to be a 'good' teacher, was the Wednesday before March break. Since then, there have been snow (ice?) days, last-day-before-holiday-days (where I still teach, but it's not quite the same), sick days, and I'm-too-tired-to-do-a-real-lesson-so-I'll-have-them-do-an-activity days. And I miss it.

I miss telling them stories and sharing stuff from my life. I'm really excited for the next unit, because it really allows me a chance to share from my own faith life. And I want so badly to get well so I don't have to miss any more days.

But God's teaching me stuff, even through my illness. Because I never realized it before, but I'm turning into a workaholic. Now, for anyone that knew me as a student, this is no surprise. But it surprised me, since I was never as passionate about software development as I am about teaching. I never wanted to work late nights, head in on weekends, bring work home with me at any of my old jobs. But I'll do it for my new career.

And I started putting my work before God. Sure, I'd keep my prayer life in order, if only to be able to tell the kids honestly what my prayer life looks like. But my primary love became teaching kids about God, instead of God Himself. And there is a difference, however slight, between the two. As my students pointed out to me, surely it's easy to put God first when you're teaching religion, but that's not always the case.

When I first realized how many more days it would be before I could even think about going back to work, I cried. I actually cried. I was angry with myself for allowing my body to get that run down (I have either bronchitis or pneumonia, or some combination of the two) and frustrated that all I could do to make myself better was to rest, drink liquids, eat and sleep. I hated the imposed nothingness that became my existence. And God revealed in my heart how much I believed the same lie I would caution my kids about: that my value is found in what I am able to do, instead of who I am.

You see, by no longer being able to think of myself as a 'teacher' (even for a brief period of time) I began to struggle with my sense of self-worth. Since all I'm doing with my day is waking up to eat breakfast, take a nap, have some lunch, go back to bed until dinner, eat dinner and maybe watch a movie before going back to bed, well I feel like I'm wasting my time. Since I'm doing nothing, I must be worth nothing. Right?

It has been a major battle to go from head-knowledge about my worth (We are human beings, not human-doings, thus our value is not found in what we can do) to heart-knowledge of accepting my limitations and realizing that this short period of rest does not in any way reduce my value as a person. But life's all about fighting battles, right? :)

So this time I'm determined. I will do it. no matter what the pain, this time I'm following through

Learning guitar

I can't remember how many times I have tried to learn, but I always stop before I make any real progress. But this time, encourage by a visit from a very musical family, I will stick it through. I even bought some new strings which I'm hoping will make my learning a little less painful. (nylon instead of metal ... 40 year old metal strings ... ouch! The sound isn't as nice, but I'm hoping to work my way back up to metal strings ... in a few years :P )

Only a little less, though. ouch! I just had a good hour of practice amd now that my fingers are starting to get numb, I'm noticing that my whole hand/arm cramps up when holding the simplest chord positions! I figure it's like exercise: i need to develop the right muscles.

But it's all good. My goal is to be able to lead worship ... it may be a long time off, but at least i have something to work towards. That always helps :)

Bring out the blogger in me. But such is my nature, it appears.

But I read something that made me very sad, and I wish I could do something about it. Perhaps I need to justify myself. But I always find that justification is only required when we don't think we are doing the right thing. So perhaps what I wish is not justification, but explanation.

Relational ministry. This has been such an important part of my life for the past 2 years. It has taken up my time, consumed my mind, and required my soul. And I would do it again in a heartbeat. Every thing I do, I try to do for the other. But there is a season for every purpose under heaven, and sometimes it is the season to depart.

Am I abandoning them? Some would say that I am. But I disagree. If I stay longer than God is calling me, am I not encouraging dependence? Am I not limiting them in their growth to holiness? She talks about detachment, and maybe she is right. But that doesn't mean I don't love them. It doesn't mean it's easy to leave. It doesn't mean they are replaceable. But it does mean that I am not my own, and where the master calls, I must follow. To ignore the calling of Christ so that I can stay and minister, what good is that? Why would you listen to a youth leader who doesn't listen to Christ? What is the point in that?

God is calling me elsewhere. I know that. And it amazes me how good He is. That in the short time of two years He can take a life headed one direction, and turn it around completely. To a path that they never dreamed possible, and are frankly a bit scared to head down, but yet they do. Putting their faith in Christ. Following the call of the master. And trusting in His goodness.

A lot has been happening, so I haven't really been posting. Finished teacher's college (yay!), taking a summer course (?? ... um, yay?) and got a job (YAY!!!) for September. Permanent, full-time, close to home, working with people I already know and like ... it's like God is saying "I love you, and not only do I love you, but I'm going to put all the cards together just so, for your happiness" It's amazing.

I have to admit, that a few weeks into teacher's college, I started thinking that I was insane. the stories you hear about how difficult it is to find teaching jobs, how teachers work for years on supply lists before they find anything permanent, and while I know the software industry has its own challenges, I almost kicked myself for passing up a golden oppurtunity at my last co-op placement. But something kept telling me, keep going, this is what I want you to do. And it's worked out.

Not in a way I ever imagined it would ... I will be a full-time religion teacher. Crazy, eh? All the more reason for my to continue to educate myself about the faith, and to continue to try to be salt and light ... this time to my students.

But at the same time ... I've had moments of complete panic: I can do math, I can do computers. I can be sure that the kids are on the right track and understand things well. But religion? I don't want this to just be another 'snooze & cruise' course: I want to take it seriously. But what if I lead them astray? Marks are one thing, souls are another. At least at LT, I had a team of other young adults and we always worked together: when I'm in my portable with my class, it'll just be me. All the more reason for my to stay on top of my prayer life ... surely this will be a boost to it, if nothing else.

Still, I am comforted to know that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28)

Funny :)

Phillipians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" I love this verse. It was written on a raspberry-peach teabag that I received as palanca on a retreat weekend. I still haven't made the tea, for I didn't want to lose it. Is tea still good 2 years later? Maybe it doesn't matter.

It's a comforting thought, that with God I can do anything. But the inverse of that is also true. That without God, I can do nothing. I forget that all too often. It's so easy to try and do things all on my own, neglecting my prayer time. Because it takes up time, and time is what I feel I have so little of. I forget of that point in my life when prayer came easy, 15 minutes of bible reading here, daily Mass, 30 minute in adoration there. All in one day. Those were the good days. And then I come back to reality, where there are so many demands on my time and I don't ever feel that I can submit to them all, and maintain my sanity. But I did once. Surely I could again.

But this is different! I tell myself. I'm fulfilling my vocation here; I truly believe that God is calling me to be a teacher. So I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, isn't that enough? Do I really need to pray and attend Mass and take care of my own faith? Do I really need to take care of myself? Can't I just give to others? Can't i just study and learn and prepare for interviews and expect the rest to take care of itself?

I love having a role in minitry. I love sharing my faith with others. I wish I could share it with my students, colleagues, teens, friends, family, everybody. But how can I give what I don't have? What is the point of talking of the importance of prayer when I don't pray myself? What is that dreaded H- word? Hyprocrite? maybe just Human? I had it written down here somewhere ...

This past weekend's retreat was a blessed time. I needed it. But I was not moved by it. So often on retreats I have a very emotional reaction. Not so this weekend. Same with adoration last night. People around me were crying, laughing, healing. I was just trying to feel. Praise God that my faith isn't based on feeling, and I know that not feeling anything doesn't mean that something's wrong. I know it's perfectly normal.

But maybe it's more than that. I know there are places that I won't let God into. I won't let anyone in there. As it was said last night, I won't let God love me there. I'm not lovable there. And no matter how many times I have heard it said, it stays an intellectual thing, and never makes it down into my heart. Maybe I don't want it down there. Keeping it an intellectual thing is safer. People don't see you cry. They don't see you weak. I still want to be so strong.

But my strength isn't enough.

http://www.angelinthewaters.com/

i found this touching and sweet.