Phillipians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" I love this verse. It was written on a raspberry-peach teabag that I received as palanca on a retreat weekend. I still haven't made the tea, for I didn't want to lose it. Is tea still good 2 years later? Maybe it doesn't matter.
It's a comforting thought, that with God I can do anything. But the inverse of that is also true. That without God, I can do nothing. I forget that all too often. It's so easy to try and do things all on my own, neglecting my prayer time. Because it takes up time, and time is what I feel I have so little of. I forget of that point in my life when prayer came easy, 15 minutes of bible reading here, daily Mass, 30 minute in adoration there. All in one day. Those were the good days. And then I come back to reality, where there are so many demands on my time and I don't ever feel that I can submit to them all, and maintain my sanity. But I did once. Surely I could again.
But this is different! I tell myself. I'm fulfilling my vocation here; I truly believe that God is calling me to be a teacher. So I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, isn't that enough? Do I really need to pray and attend Mass and take care of my own faith? Do I really need to take care of myself? Can't I just give to others? Can't i just study and learn and prepare for interviews and expect the rest to take care of itself?
I love having a role in minitry. I love sharing my faith with others. I wish I could share it with my students, colleagues, teens, friends, family, everybody. But how can I give what I don't have? What is the point of talking of the importance of prayer when I don't pray myself? What is that dreaded H- word? Hyprocrite? maybe just Human? I had it written down here somewhere ...
This past weekend's retreat was a blessed time. I needed it. But I was not moved by it. So often on retreats I have a very emotional reaction. Not so this weekend. Same with adoration last night. People around me were crying, laughing, healing. I was just trying to feel. Praise God that my faith isn't based on feeling, and I know that not feeling anything doesn't mean that something's wrong. I know it's perfectly normal.
But maybe it's more than that. I know there are places that I won't let God into. I won't let anyone in there. As it was said last night, I won't let God love me there. I'm not lovable there. And no matter how many times I have heard it said, it stays an intellectual thing, and never makes it down into my heart. Maybe I don't want it down there. Keeping it an intellectual thing is safer. People don't see you cry. They don't see you weak. I still want to be so strong.
But my strength isn't enough.
