SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer unusually pale and clear
FAULT: Glass empty
ACTION: Find someone who buy you another beer
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking, or glass applied to wrong part of face
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of the mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle
ACTION: Point glass other way up so the open end points to the ceiling
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet
FAULT: Improper bladder control
ACTION: Go and stand next to the nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred
FAULT: You are looking at floor through bottom of empty beer glass
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to darts game in progess
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket
SYPMTOM: Floor moving
FAULT: You are being carried out
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered in ceiling tiles and flourescent light strip across it
FAULT: You have fallen over backwards
ACTION: If glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up and lash yourself to bar
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts
FAULT: You have fallen forwards
ACTION: See above
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark
FAULT: The bar is closing
ACTION: Panic. Then find a late closer
SYMPTOM: You awake to find your bed is cold, hard and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom
FAULT: You have spent the night in a gutter
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in
Drink More Beer (the buffalo theory)
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
The slowest buffalo are the sick and the weak so the die off first, making it possible for the buffalo to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak slow brain cells are the ones killed off by excessive beer drinking and socialising, making the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story is:
DRINK MORE BEER IT WILL MAKE YOU SMARTER.