101 Things not to say During Sex

1) is it in?

you've got to be kidding me.

4) (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?

9) you look better in the dark.

11) i thought that goes in the other hole....

14) this sucks.

16) i hope you don't expect a raise for this...

17) i think you might get the job for this.

18) damn! is that all you know what to do.

19) did i tell you, i have herpes?

20) now we must get married.

21) hurry up, the games about to start.

22) i'm hungry. (My line!!! MY LINE!!!)

25) are you trying to be funny?

27) are those real?

29) is that smell coming from you?

31) wow!! i've never seen those before (then grope wildly) .

32) do you know what some female spiders do after sex?

33) you're so much like your sister....

35) what's your name again?

36) do i have to be here in the morning?

37) a second time? i barely stayed awake the first time!

38) but you just started!!

39) you're about as good as a 9 year old, and i should know!!

40) don't touch that!!

43) smile for the camera, honey!!!

44) take off that damn monkey glove!!

45) get your hand out of there!!

46) i think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.

47) i knew you wore a padded bra!!

48) cover me boys, i'm going in!!!

49) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!

50) Fire one!

51) God, that is small!!

52) hold on, let me change the channel...

54) is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?

55) your best-friend does it much better.

57) hurry up, the motor's runnin'.

58) you're fogging up the wind-sheild.

60) what the hell noise was that?!

61) stop moaning, you sound so stupid.

63) you know, you're not really attractive.

64) i'm sorry, i was not listening.

65) what, oh yea, i love you too, now let me concentrate!!

66) stop interrupting me!!

67) i have to take a shit.

69) your breath is funky.

71) is it o.k. if i call someone, its o.k. though, keep going....

72) its ok honey, i can imagine that its bigger.

73) god i wish you were a real woman.

76) oh susan, susan... i mean donna.... shit.

77) your breast milk is like my mom's....

80) is it o.k. if i never see you again?

82) don't make that face at me!

84) you're boring.

86) suck my dick, bitch.

87) how much do i owe you?

88) How come we each have a penis?

89) of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!

91) just use your finger, its bigger.

92) does your family have to watch?

93) we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.

94) get off me, i'll do it myself!!!!

96) you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.

97) the only reason i'm doing this is because i'm drunk.

98) my mom taught me this.....

100) Damn girl! my tits are bigger than your's!

103) if you can't do it, i'll find someone else who can!

107) no i don't love your mind, i can't grab that!!

108) is it o.k. if i tell my friends about this?

109) i'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!

110) you wanted me to use a condom?

111) you're no better than my brother!!

113) Fire in the hole!!!

114) i wanna see how many quaters i can fit in there.

115) hurry up, i'm late for a date.

116) o.k. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!

117) you ever see basic instinct?

118) i'm out of condoms, can i use a sock?

119) don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.

120) Did i tell you where my cold sore came from?

123) i think i just shit on your bed.

124) of course i don't love you.

1.But everybody looks funny naked!

2.You woke me up for that?

7.A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

10.But whipped cream makes me break out.

11.Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today.

14.Do you accept Visa?

15.ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

16.On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17.And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18.So much for mouth-to-mouth.

20.Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21.(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

26.But I just brushed my teeth...

27.Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28.I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29.I want a baby!

30.So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31.(in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

33.Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34.I think you have it on backwards.

35.When is this supposed to feel good?

36.Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37.You're good enough to do this for a living!

40.Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

42.That leak better be from the waterbed!

43.I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44.But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

45.Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46.If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..

47.No, really... I do this part better myself!

48.It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49.This would be more fun with a few more people..

51.Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

53.You look younger than you feel.

54.Perhaps you're just out of practice.

55.You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56.They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

57.Now I know why he/she dumped you...

59.You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

62.And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63.What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64.I have a confession...

65.I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66.Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67.Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

69.You'll stil vote for me, won't you?

70.Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71.I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72.Did you come yet, dear?

73.I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

74.A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75.Does this count as a date?

80.When would you like to meet my parents?

81.Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?

83.Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

89.You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90.Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91.Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

93.So that's why they call you MR. Flash!

94.My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95.Is this a sin too?

97.Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98.Long kisses clog my sinuses...

100.How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

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