The Italian in America

                    D I R E T T O R E . . .

The Manager
Y.M.C.A. -hotel
LONDON                                           Roma 28 Sept.1995


Dear Signore Direttore,
Noew I am tella you story wot I was a-treated at jour hotella.

I am a-comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a-younga
christian man at your hotella.
When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed - how can
I sleep with no shit in my bed?  So I calla down to receptione an
tella.
"I wanta shit".  They tella me:"Go to toilet".  I say:"No, no Iwanta
shit in my bed".  They say:"You better not shit in your bed, you
sonna-wa-bitch".
What is sonna-wa-bitch?
I go down for breakfast into restorante.  I order bacon and egga
and two pissis of toast.  I getta only one piss of toast.  I tella
waitress, and point at toast:"I wanta piss on my plate".  She then
say to me:"You'd bloody wella not piss on the plate, you sonna-
wa-bitch".

That is second person who do not even know me calla me "sonna-wa-
bitch", and why is your staff replying "Go to toilet", is that a
modern tella?  I do not understand, please tella me.
Later I go for dinner in your restorante.  Spoon and knife is laid
out, but no fock.  I tella waitress:"I wanta fock".  And she tell me:
"Sure, everyone wanta fock".  I tella her:"No, no you don't understand
me, I wanta fock on the table".  She tella me:"So you wanta fock on
the table?  Get your ass out of here".
How comma this christian hotell tella the guest in such bed manner?
So I go to receptione and ask for bill.  I no wanta stay in this
hotella no more.  When I have paid the a-billa the portier say to me:
"Thank you, and piss on You".  I say:"Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-
bitch, I now go back to Italy".
Direttore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no more, you sonna-wa-
bitch.


               Sincerely   Dicci Elgre`