Major Technological Breakthrough =Back to the drawing
board.
Developed after years of intensive research= It was discovered by
accident.
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties=We
are working on something else.
The designs are well within allowable limits=We just made it, stretching
a point or two.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period=We haven't
started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
A number of different approaches are being tried=We don't know where
we're going, but we're moving.
Test results were extremely gratifying=It works, and are we surprised!
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem=We
just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive=The darn thing blew
up when we threw the switch.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned=The only guy who understood
the thing quit.
Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties=We
threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
Essentially complete.=Half done.
We predict...=We hope to God!
Drawing release is lagging.=Not a single drawing exists.
Risk is high, but acceptable.=100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the
budget and 10 times the manpower, we may have a 50/50 chance.
Serious, but not insurmountables, problems. =It will take a miracle.
God should be the program manager.
Not well defined. =Nobody's thought about it.
Requires further analysis and management attention.=Totally out
of control.
OR
1.A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED We
are still pissing in the wind.
2.EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3.CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION We know who to blame.
4.MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5.CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED We are so far behind schedule
the customer is happy to get it delivered.
9.IT IS IN THE PROCESS It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation
is about hopeless.
10.WE WILL LOOK INTO IT Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11.PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL Let's spread responsibility for the screw up
12.GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING We'll listen to what you have to
say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13.GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION I can't wait to hear this BS!
14.SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15.ALL NEW Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16.RUGGED Too damn heavy to lift!
17.LIGHTWEIGHT Lighter than RUGGED.
18.YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT One finally worked.
19.ENERGY SAVING Achieved when the power switch is off.
20.LOW MAINTENANCE Impossible to fix if broken.
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer."Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.
The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?" The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."
Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?" The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."
The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?" The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."
This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!" The policeman calmly wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm too drunk to do that."
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all
trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President
decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each
of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing
everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The
rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let
you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky
for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good
mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm
the groom."
The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC, and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.
The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.
The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you -name-it, and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can* put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep.
How do you prove that all odd numbers are prime ? Depends who you ask ...
Logician:
Hypothesis: All odd numbers are prime
Proof: 1) If a proof exists, then the hypothesis must be true
2) The proof exists; you're reading it now.
From 1 and 2 follows that all odd numbers are prime
Physicist:
3 is a prime
5 is a prime
7 is a prime
9 is not prime, experimental error
Mathematician:
3 is a prime
5 is a prime
7 is a prime
by induction all the rest are prime
Engineer:
3 is a prime
5 is a prime
7 is a prime
9 is a prime
Three men with degrees in mathmatics, physics and biology are locked up in dark rooms for research reasons.
A week later the researchers open the a door, the biologist steps out and reports: `Well, I sat around until I started to get bored, then I searched the room and found a tin which I smashed on the floor. There was food in it which I ate when I got hungry. That's it.'
Then they free the man with the degree in physics and he says: `I walked along the walls to get an image of the room's geometry, then I searched it. There was a metal cylinder at five feet into the room and two feet left of the door. It felt like a tin and I threw it at the left wall at the right angle and velocity for it to crack open.'
Finally, the researchers open the third door and hear a faint voice out of the darkness: `Let C be an open can.'
Ivan Ivanovich, great russian Scientist does an experiment. He wants to know how fast a thermometer falls down. He takes a thermometer and a light, a candle light. He drops both from the 3rd floor and recognices that they are reaching the ground at the same time. Ivan Ivanovich, great russian scientific writes in his book: A theomometer falls with the speed of light.
The engineer thinks of his equations as an approximation to reality. The physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations. The mathematician doesn't care.
TWO sodium atoms are walking down the road chatting. All of a sudden, one stops and turns to its friend looking worried:
Na(1)- "Oh No... I think I've lost an Electron!"
Na(2)- "What... are you sure?"
Na(1)- "Yes, I'm Positive!"
When considering the behaviour of a howitzer:
A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land.
A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there.
An engineer will stand there and try to catch it.